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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 97: "I'M SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT"

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This Week:
* ANIM - Teddy bear that says, "I'm Sorry"
* PARTY - It's tonight!
* WEEBL - Tentacle rape 

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web ... together"

B3ta email 97 - 18 Jul 2003

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue97/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: TEDDY BEAR THAT SAYS "I'M SORRY"
  Get nookie now

  Here's a lesson in basic psychology: acting
  like a twat and then apologising is more
  likely to get you a shag than being nice all
  the time.

  We want to get our readers laid, so here's
  what to do: send a really offensive email to
  your partner and then say sorry with this mega
  kitsch singing teddy bear, and you'll have more
  shags than you know what to do with.

  Please note: B3ta is not responsible for any
  relationships this advice wrecks.
http://www2.b3ta.com/sorry/


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: B3TA PARTY TONIGHT
  Meet the premier web twats

  What? You're still reading this? Get to our
  party. Now. Well, at 7:30 anyway.

  We'll be the ones vomiting in the corner.
http://www2.b3ta.com/party/2ndbirthday.gif


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: B3TA CODE CHALLENGE
  What could you do with a B3ta XML feed?

  We hold a lot of challenges at b3ta. Mostly
  they are about visual stuff.

  We know that we've got a lot of techie readers
  too and have decided to give them a way 
  to join in.

  We've made RSS / XML feeds of various parts
  of the site. This means you can use
  up-to-the-minute b3ta content in applications
  that you make. E.g. a Snap game using the 
  photoshopped images or a b3ta channel for
  a G3 phone.

  The only limit is your imagination. Oh, and
  not making any sneaky commercial thing and
  flogging it to a phone company. 
http://b3ta.com/xml/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 
  Brady Bunch, Immigrants, Hats, Weebl


  >> Brady Bunch Pop-ups <<
  Monkeon has been worrying that pop-ups are
  dying out because of all the blocking software
  that people install these days. So he's re-made
  the intro sequence to the Brady Bunch in pop-up
  windows and pixels, whilst he still can. It's
  actually rather marvelous, but does fuck up
  your screen a bit.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/brady/


  >> Immigrant Hunting for Sport <<
  "People who've been to my site", writes
  Little Goth Girl creator Matazone, "will be
  familiar with Mr Snaffleburger, my long running
  daft satire series." Blimey. He's going to
  get a few complaints about this. Hope he's
  got thick skin.
http://www.matazone.co.uk/Mr-Snaffleburger-human-hunting.html


  >> Hat catching sport <<
  "Seeing as it's come round to the summer," drawls
  Nathan Dobson, "I thought I'd let you know of our
  breathtakingly simple yet addictive game." It
  involves kicking a baseball cap from your foot
  to your head. Yay. Utterly pointless.
http://www.cap-attack.com/
 

  >> Weebl tentacle rape <<
  Behind the scenes at b3ta towers we often mock
  Jonti for his love of Japanese culture. We
  think he's turned on by squid sex. Our theories
  have been proved correct in Weebls' latest
  adventure.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/hentai.htm


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.


  >> Jesus/Vodka advert <<
  We love Jesus and we love vodka. So what could
  be better than Jesus advertising vodka? Nothing.
  These fake ads are flipping great. Watch.
http://www.pinkypoos.co.uk/images/wwjd_fingers.mov
http://www.pinkypoos.co.uk/images/wwjd_frog.mov


  >> Gollum award acceptance speech <<
  Did you catch the MTV Movie Awards? They had this
  great Lord of the Rings skit where Gollum gets
  all sweary. Surprisingly off-colour for a
  corporate thing.
http://img-nex.theonering.net/movies/gollum_mtvawards_BbandLo.mov


  >> Hairy arse <<
  Every so often the web throws up a very simple
  page that just makes us laugh. This one features
  a hairy bloke wiggling his bum to yesteryear's
  "Move it" hit from Reel 2 Real. Ah, the memories.
http://man-faye.mooniidx.com/index.php?page=1


  >> Granny Russian roulette <<
  This short film about old ladies playing
  Russian roulette is probably meant to be
  black comedy. We found it both compelling
  and disturbing. We didn't get stiff even once.
http://www.ifilm.com/filmdetail?ifilmid=68895&cch=1

 
  >> Stupid Customers #2 <<
  Unlike us super clever gods of nerdom, some
  people find tech stuff a bit confusing. Check
  out this collection of PC mistakes recorded
  by a computer repair bloke. Great photos,
  although the one with the credit card in the
  floppy drive is surely a fake.
http://sct.staghosting.com/sct005.html


  >> Talking computer <<
  There's been a lot of Eliza style "talk to the
  computer" pages on the net. This one kept us
  entertained for a bit. You can teach it simple
  stuff, and then ask questions. We asked "do you
  wanna cyber?" and got, "I have been asked that
  question more than 100,000 times since 1995."
http://platoon.dk


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GOATSE ART ENETERED FOR COMPETITION - a couple
    of weeks ago we told you about BoyT and his
    success in getting the local paper to print
    an arty version of the famously obscene goatse
    photo. And now? He's been asked to enter it
    for childrens art competition. Result.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/1582285


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Japanese Product Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted fake Japanese products:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/japanese/

  We asked B3ta boarder 'Threepwood' to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Mr Threepwood writes -


  #1 "Super Happy Office Puppy - Silly product +
     Great subtitles + Running Japanese man =
     winner. (sosumi)
http://b3ta.com/board/1589473

  #2 "Magic Panties - They look real and in a few
     months they probably will be. (slim)
http://b3ta.com/board/1607422

  #3 "Turtle house - Is it a dwelling? Is at a toy?
     Who cares as long as it looks like that."
     (Cozzza)
http://b3ta.com/board/1582706


...and a special mention for Pecker's pixeltastic
Hello Kitty inspired range.
http://b3ta.com/board/1595357


  >> This Weeks Challenge <<

  This week, B3ta contributor Mystery Bob gave us
  the suggestion, "What I found in my Kinder Egg"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/kinderegg/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * CRAB FIREWORKS - Apparently a crab will
    clutch onto pretty much anything placed
    in its claw. Including a lit banger. 

  * OBSCENE FIREWORKS - can you paint a cock in
    the sky using the medium of light?

  * INDOOR FIREWORKS - they always say your
    shouldn't let off rockets indoors. Why?
    They're just trying to spoil our fun.

  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS: 

  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel.
  David Stevenson is on holiday.
  We're not.
  Links sent in by Olly/Campion, Divstivs,
  Simon Tinsley,  Charles (no catchy or cool
  nickname at this time, sorry), Hentai_for_kids
  and Mr Softy.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Top Tippery by Joel Veitch and brumhilda69.
  Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
  Proofing by the b4ta rest home for retired queens.
  (68429)

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  HANDY TIP:  WD40 is excellent at removing oil,
  grease and even fresh paint marks from
  concrete floors. Spray on & allow to soak in,
  the oil or grease lifts to the surface of the
  WD40 and can be wiped off.

                  *  *  *

  BONUS SWEARING TIP: By reversing "fuck" and
  "cock" you can substantially improve your
  swearing. EG: "Cock off you cocking fucksucker."

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