NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITE AND MAKES INCREASINGLY ELDERLY PEOPLE DO MODERATE CHUCKLES?"
This Week:
* AN IMAGE CHALLENGE WITH 160 ENTRIES - Hooray!
* EGGPOD SUMMER EVENT - Tickets now on sale
* AGAIN A WEIRDLY BURSTING FOLLOW UPS THING - why?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Can someone else please
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | save the web, we're very
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| tired... together"
B3ta snoozeletter 903 - 12th April 2024
Read this issue in large print & reading glasses:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue903
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their partners despair
* B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE 'HIT' - Occasionally we
do an image challenge that gets lots of
submissions and we can pretend it's 2004 and
B3ta is still relevant. This is NOW coz our 'Big
Screen Comedy Cameos' challenge has 160 entries
and counting. Do join in if you can find your
old COMPAQ laptop that still has your log-ins on
it.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/bigscreencomedycameos/p...
* THE EGG/DRAGON SONG - celebrate the end of
Easter with Koit's "new fable of the Egg and the
Dragon".
https://b3ta.com/links/Egg_Dragon
* EGGPOD SHOW TICKETS AVAILABLE - the B3ta
affiliated (hey, Chris is our friend) Beatles
podcast is doing their annual show this summer
on Saturday 6th July in Holland Opera Park , and
they've got Mark Lewisohn as a speaker. Make
sure you get your ticket to ride etc etc etc.
https://eventbrite.co.uk/e/eggpod-live-2024-ticket...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
It's a sale! Get in now!
Our sponsors Hebtroco have got a sale on - so if
you want some quality British clothes at
temporarily reduced prices now is the time to
buy. Ideal presents for the men in your life, or
even yourself.
https://hebtro.co/its-a-sale/
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: FESSHOLE
Confessions fessed up as a digestible content
Each week we ask you to confess and then feel
quite alarmed at the size of the task we've been
given to read all this stuff and pick out a few
to tweet. Our favs include:
* BLACK MAIL - "Created graphics for a large
food & drink company. It was used in their ads
all over TV & the internet. But they never paid
me. After 6 months of waiting to be paid, I very
briefly redirected the QR code in the ads to a
gay porn site. They paid me 5 minutes later,
plus late fees."
* IT'S A TRAP - "My daughter is mute, but signs,
people assume she's deaf, so they talk about
personal things in front of her, we get all the
gossip from her later."
* "WALKEEEEES!" - "Rescued a dog from Dogs Trust
in Liverpool. He didn't seem to understand us
much & we thought it was because he wasn't used
to the commands/words. Turns out he understands
us better when we talk in a Scouse accent, so
we've had to teach ourselves to speak Scouse for
the dog."
Follow the account that has 1/4 of the followers
that Gary Barlow has got. The shit.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
COME TO THE GIGS - We're coming to Dublin next
on the 18th and after that it's Northampton
(only 7 tickets left) and then Durham and
Brighton. BUY NOW.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Of course we need to mention the second book,
it's the yellow one and it's actually slightly
better than the first red one as the font is
slightly bigger.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Remember when the internet wasn't just
platforms?
* AN EVEN BETTER AI MUSIC THING THAN LAST WEEK -
this AI music thing is incredible/awful.
Infinite pap that sounds exactly like competent
music that you're not very interested in and
it's extraordinarily fun to play with.
https://www.udio.com/songs/rr2dCyfqYZYE6jQpZUE7Rr
* SOLAR SO GOOD - experience the excitement of
this week's solar eclipse in glorious HTML5,
then ask Dr Google about your eyes hurting to
complete the experience.
https://stevegardner.hatch.one/2024-eclipse-simula...
* STEVE REICH IN THE AFTERNOON - nice idea for a
video where a bloke hits a xylophone at
different intervals and loops it so that music
is created by it going in and out of sync.
https://b3ta.com/links/A_man_hits_a_musical_instru...
* VIRTUAL PARK 2000 - Forget about impending
doom for sixty seconds by sitting in a random
park and staring at a tree or a duck with this
realistic midlife lonely day out simulator.
https://sites.elliott.computer/one-minute-park/
* OK, FINE, HERE'S THIS WEEK'S WORDY GAME LINK -
this one about word association. Could do with
the Mallett's Mallet noise when you get an
answer wrong or hesitate too much.
https://chaindle.com
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: FOLLOW UPS
Your replies to stuff in previous newsletters
* "RE: THERE'S MORE THAN ONE WAY TO SHIT IN A
LIFT" - UK_cougar writes, "A friend of mine,
bored with all the Buzzword Bingo Bollocks in a
meeting one day, blurted out 'well, I really
think we should ringfence the unicorn on this
one.' Two things happened: 1) No-one batted an
eyelid, like this was a totally normal phrase to
drop into conversation. 2) Gloriously, it stuck.
Other people started using it in meetings,
everyone nodding sagely along like it was some
insightful insight rather than abject bobbins."
* B3TA LOTTERY PROPAGANDA ACCUSATION -
jeremyhurst3 complains, "As an experiment I
wanted to see how poor an investment the
Powerball is so I flashed up the Lottery
simulator as mentioned in a previous newsletter,
loaded it up with a million dollars, hit go and
went down the pub for a pint. Imagine my
surprise when I came back to find I'd won $3.6M.
It must be a fluke thought I so I did it again,
and this time I won $1.67M. The point is that
I'm still up on my million bucks so it's not
exactly telling me that gambling is stupid is
it? Either the programming of this is shit, or
it's a secret plot to try to get me buying
Powerball tickets for real. Either way you can
keep it. Gambling is for losers." SORRY!
* GAME FEEDBACK - Po.Studio writes, "Thanks for
posting my word game, Riddler. I hadn't heard of
Jotto or Acrophobia. Both are interesting.
Riddler is essentially a word ladder. Let me
know if you have any suggestions. Glad I
discovered b3ta!"
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Word_ladder
* POSTSECRET - Andrewandrew24766 suggests a
"Longread about your American Fesshole
doppleganger. I don't suppose you can match his
story's pathos, narrative arc or profundity, but
you've got 1m followers on Twitter and he's only
got 391,000, so I guess you win." We think the
big difference is that we publish many more
things that are meant to amuse - ours is a
comedy project which edges into occasional
tragedy - his is more arty and less jokes - this
probably reflects our differing tastes. Maybe
everyone should run their own take on this
project and see how they come out different -
and they would come out different because
editorial choices matter.
https://hazlitt.net/longreads/dark-matter
* AGES AGO WE LAUNCHED GEOCITIES GIF BOT -
amused that it's spat out a random gif that's
done hashtag numbers. Not safe for work, if you
work in a graveyard.
https://twitter.com/geocitiesgifbot/status/1776929...
That's the second weirdly bursting follow-ups
section in a row - and frankly we quite like it
- do send us more feedback and messages please.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* RESEARCH CRAP OLD QR CODE TATTOOS - Purchase
and redirect all expired domains to a "We've
Got Your Tattoo! We like donkeys, lalalalala!"
site.
* THIS FESSHOLE POST COULD BE AN USVSTH3M STYLE
INTERACTIVE - "As a gay man approaching 50, I
wondered what distance would be covered if I
could lay all the dick I've sucked in my
lifetime, end to end. Assuming an average of 6"
per cock I was disappointed to find out it only
adds up to 208 metres." Build it and they will
cum.
* HOW OUT OF TOUCH ARE YOU WITH MODERN POP -
write a quiz that picks 10 random songs from the
current top 100 and asks you to identify them
and then says you know nothing daddio, you ain't
hip to the kids.
Go on, make stuff and tell us about it. We are
the spider that sits in the middle of a
sprawling creative universe.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (There's always room for
more plants - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec,
Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
couple of bits recently, do sign up.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
Like Liz Truss, we too are victims of the Deep
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newsletter having more subscribers. Take a blow
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'SECRET MILK' FESSHOLE
"Sat with my wife and we were watching a
programme where the husband drank milk direct
from the container in the fridge. She commented
how she would divorce me if I ever did that.
I've managed 26yrs so far without being caught."
