SLAVES OF THE FOMBUGG
Hello Sweeties!

This is a tale from long, long ago, all the way back in my first incarnation, would you believe!

Back then I was a slim young male with receding blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. I was quite ascetic and brainy and spent a lot of my time on Gallifrey learning stuff. I became an expert in many fields, and often toured the universe lecturing on such subjects as genetics, astro-engineering, cybernetics, neurostructuralism and moral theology.

For a while I took up residency at Varchon University on the planet Turaleq lecturing on moral theology. Turaleq is a desert planet sparsely populated but with one major city, Varchon, which housed some fifty million indigents and offworlders. The locals were slim and dark skinned with golden eyes and I found them intensely attractive, and had affairs with several of my students of all sexes. My apartment overlooked Lake Varchon and the local cuisine consisted of curry and many ice cold lager-like beverages, so my time on Turaleq was exceedingly pleasurable and stimulating.

This agreeable state of affairs continued for several months, until, one day, it came to a dramatic and surprising, not to say incredibly inconvenient and annoying, end.

One sunny morning I woke next to my latest conquest, a lithe young Turaleqi student called Aravantez. We were about to make love again when a loud, bombastic, booming metallic voice from the street outside shattered the mood:

'THIS WORLD NOW QUAILS UNDER THE AUSPICES OF THE FOMBUGG', it bellowed. And then ten seconds later it bellowed it again, and again ten seconds later, and so on.

'Bollocks!' I shouted, leaping out of my bed where Aravantez did indeed quail, the sheets pulled up over her breasts. 'Time Lords quail under the auspices of NO cunt!' I strode to the window and looked out. There, in the wide street with its shops and fountains and trees, stood a new arrival - a shiny grey cone, about twelve feet high. At its apex a pink glow blurred the air, and it hurt to look at this glow, and I could feel alien mind-tentacles brushing the fringes of my psyche. I looked up and down the street to see more of these cones, evenly spaced along the boulevard, all with their attendant pink glow, and all bellowing at ten-second intervals: 'THIS WORLD NOW QUAILS UNDER THE AUSPICES OF THE FOMBUGG.'

I searched my capacious Time Lord memory but I could not recall anything about this 'Fombugg'; I had never heard of the fucking thing. A student prank? Maybe... but the mental tentacles spoke of something alien, alien and sinister and inimical. I averted my gaze from the pink miasma at the cone's tip and turned back towards the bed. Aravantez had risen and was walking in a trance-like state towards the door. 'Hey!' I called. 'Where d'you think you're going?' But she didn't hear me, or chose not to. I grabbed hold of her arm but she shook free. 'Must... obey... Fombugg,' she was muttering, over and over again. I let her go, and dressed quickly, hoping to get to my TARDIS and get the fuck offplanet, because whatever this Fombugg was, it clearly wasn't good news for the denizens of Turaleq.

But as I slipped my shoes on, I felt those alien mind-tentacles again; more insistent this time, and I felt myself lose control of my mind and body. A prisoner within myself, I marched from my room, muttering 'Must... obey... Fombugg.' I went out into the streets and joined a massive flood of people, all under the control of this mysterious alien entity.

The next few months I find hard to recall, as my mind was totally subjugated to the will of the Fombugg. I was set to work with the Turaleqi and the other offworlders unfortunate enough to find themselves on the planet at the time of the Fombugg's arrival. We were sent into the desert there to construct vast and abstract machines for our alien overlord. The purpose of these machines remains unclear, even afterwards when everything returned to normal and the Fombugg's machines could be explored and analysed. There were too many of them to describe here, but the most notable ones included:

- An enormous construction that resembled a windmill with sieves for vanes
- An enclosure filled with cruciform robots that would crawl all over each other without cease
- A deep pit, accessed by spiral steps along its inner walls, at the bottom of which a giant mirror was constructed
- A thirty-mile long pipe, open at one end, and closed off by a wire mesh at the other
- A series of poles supporting giant latticed cubes that would rotate slowly and ponderously casting surreal shadows on the desert below
- A stepped, pyramidal structure at the top of which sat a gigantic concrete ring
- A number of glass towers that refracted and diverted the rays of the Turaleqi sun
- A moss-like extrusion that emitted the most vile smell I have ever smelt
- An installation of rubber hoops and rings that looked like a giant croquet set
- A great many troughs leading out from all directions in the desert
- A giant spring

And everywhere the grey cones with their pink glowing mantles, overseeing everything.

There was, however, one construction that did seem to have a purpose - to house the Fombugg itself. This was an enormous geodesic dome, surrounded by multitudes of the sentinel cones. It was on this that I was set to work on the most, though of course, at the time, being under the control of the Fombugg, I had no clue as to the true purpose of my work.

I toiled under the control of the Fombugg for several months, and, eventually, like many of its other servants, I died. After weeks and weeks of work I collapsed, dehydrated and starved. Of course, being a Time Lord, I regenerated - it was my first ever regeneration, and my second incarnation woke to find himself lying in a great big pile of stinking decomposing Turaleqi bodies who had died unable to save themselves through the Time Lord gift of regeneration.

This new body, my second incarnation, was, in contrast to the first, a stocky, bullish male with a mane of curly black hair. I extricated myself from the pile of corpses and almost immediately felt the mind-tentacles of the Fombugg attempting to re-acquire my psyche. A newly-regenerated Time Lord, however, is a force to be reckoned with and I was able to use my regenerative energy to shield my mind against the alien entity's mental advances.

Thus protected, I returned to Varchon and marched straight in to my TARDIS, intending to get the fuck off of Turaleq. But this new incarnation had a conscience. I found myself thinking mournfully of that pile of Turaleqi corpses, and wondered if Araventez had been among them. Anger then posessed me, and I vowed to stay on Turaleq and defeat the evil Fombugg.

I looked up the thing on my TARDIS databanks and discovered that the Fombugg was a gestalt entity, a distributed being, which consisted of numerous Nodes (the grey cones) and a central, controlling Kernel - housed in the dome-like building I had helped to construct. Destroy the Kernel, and you destroy the Fombugg. And so, armed with a claw hammer, I made my way back to the desert and to the dome that housed the Kernel of the distributed being.

The Fombugg, alerted now to the danger of my presence, sent its slaves after me and so I had to fight of legions of Fombugg-controlled Turaleqi zombies. And yes, one of these was Aravantez, and I sobbed as I throttled the life out of her. This, of course, only intensified my hatred of the Fombugg. The cunting thing HAD to die.

I reached the dome and smashed my way in. Inside, cobwebby corridors led hither and thither, spiralling round to the centre of the construction. Still pursued by the slaves of the Fombugg, I crashed through these, unerringly intent on reaching the centre of the Fombugg's power.

At last I penetrated the central chamber there to confront the Kernel of the Fombugg.

The chamber was a domed, ribbed, cathedral-like space, and the Kernel hovered in mid-air before me, rotating gently along its longitudinal axis. In appearance it was a small, shiny, grey thing the shape of a comma or a stylised human ear, no bigger than a clenched fist. The slaves of the Fombugg at my heels, I stepped forwards, raised the hammer and brought it down hard right onto the Kernel of the Fombugg.

It shattered into a zillion smithereens, dying with a tiny, keening shriek.

Immediately the slaves were released and stopped their attack. I was taken back to Varchon to explain what had happened, and was hailed as a hero, and given the Freedom of Varchon City. I then returned to Gallifrey where I was, of course, bollocked about my interference in 'local affairs.' Cunts. I saw then why that other Doctor had fucked off, and I was not far behind him, leaving Gallifrey forever to explore, and eventually attempt to take over, the universe (yes, the irony is not lost on me, sweeties, but don't worry I'm nice now, as you all know!)

The Fombugg's machines remain in the Turaleqi desert to this day and are a popular tourist attraction.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 4 Aug 2014, 22:23, 15 replies)

*gallifreylols*

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 4 Aug 2014, 22:27, closed)

alright Pooflake, I see you've finally got to grips with editing.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 4 Aug 2014, 22:28, closed)

NEVER!!!!!!...

Alright, Dozer.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 5 Aug 2014, 11:36, closed)

tosser

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 9:31, closed)

shut up quinchy

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 9:41, closed)

If only I were blessed with the talent to compose such prolific and thought provoking prose.
All I can come up with is, Swipe likes poo.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 10:58, closed)

Urgh
After God knows how many years I've finally reset my password so I can log in and ignore this twat
(Gomi No Sensei, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 13:38, closed)

Another satisfied cunstomer!
RESULT
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 18:11, closed)

Dear Sweeties
Please let me assure you that I am NOT Quincy, or Poof Lake, or Hanky Wanky, or Weepy Phantom, or Mr Shambles, or Frank Spencer, or Sob Carehome, or any other cunt.

I AM THE ONE AND ONLY FABRILLIANT SUPER SMEXY DR SKAGRA.

That is all

Laigh8t£rz!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 17:59, closed)

and I for one am enjoying these stories - please continue..
(Carpe Cyprinidae, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 20:17, closed)

seconded

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 20:42, closed)

these are well
better than 4/5 of those leaked Doctor Who scripts, if they are correct.
(yeswehavenopasties, Thu 7 Aug 2014, 2:46, closed)

yaaaay!
Back on form!
(yeswehavenopasties, Thu 7 Aug 2014, 2:45, closed)

How do I vote for this twice?
(cs1ca, Thu 7 Aug 2014, 13:22, closed)