Soylent Green
They should've stuck to the burgers.
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Tue 5 Mar 2013, 9:12, Reply)

I have a mate, Methuselah.
He's a bit long in the tooth and his missus Karen had some strange ideas but otherwise a good bloke.

Unfortunately his missus was diagnosed with type 3 breast cancer and since they were trying to have a kid before she died she chose not to have any treatment.
As a result the breast with the cancer grew some lumps and looked a bit different.

One of Karen's dying wishes was that as a group all of their friends would travel to their favorite holiday destination in Indonesia and partake of her flesh as a final tribute to her.

Aside from the illegalities Methuselah organised that we could all eat a meal prepared from Karens breasts (with the cancerous growths removed) by a private chef at a resort of their fave holiday archipelago.

So there I was one night, on an island in Indonesia eating my friend's dead wife's boob - Weird Tit ala Gorong.


NB: I asked my missus who is a breast cancer survivor if a) she thought I'd crossed the line and b) if she thought the pun was worth it. She wasn't happy about the cannibalism and she thought the joke was shit but, she was comfortable with it.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 5 Mar 2013, 9:08, 20 replies)

The scientists might say that walking uphill to
collect water for hydration is not logical.

The health and safety boffins would say that sending two young children to climb a mountain was a violation of the regs.

The lawyers would be suing the wooden bucket manufacturers after the incident due to their clear negligence.

The medical community might say that due to his head injuries the brother now suffers from some permanent disability and this combined with his sisters Munchhausen syndrome was a result of their parents neglect and laziness particularly when it comes to providing basic necessities.

Me.
I think it all went downhill when Jack fell down.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 5 Mar 2013, 8:26, 1 reply)

Was readingThe Inconvenient Truth when
I got to thinking, "This is bollocks and I need to trace the idiot author and tell him."
Word, de tit Al Gore wrong?
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 4 Mar 2013, 23:16, 2 replies)

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( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 21:16, 17 replies)

I sent a cv for a job last week. I re-read it again today and as a placeholder in the skills section I'd written "I once fucked a puppy" until I could think of a final one to round it out
then forgotten to replace it.
I've not heard back from them yet.
It's a nice job and would allow me to work in a country I want to live. Maybe this will be where it all went wrong.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 20:42, 15 replies)

Not really about where life went wrong, but a tale of epic disaster anyway
Many years ago, I used to do a lot of video stuff. And, inevitably, over a pint or several, a friend announced that he wanted to make a film.

For some weeks he brought me script ideas, and we played around with it until we had something that seemed to work. I was still dubious, however, until he introduced me to the two girls he had in mind to star in it, along with himself of course. Now steady on at the back there, it wasn't that kind of film - no nudity was planned. It is, remarkably, possible to make a video starring two girls that doesn't involve any kind of sex. I know, weird, huh?

Anyway, I went around to meet these girls, and was immediately impressed: they had a real chemistry together, they were funny, creative, enthusiastic, and the camera loved them. I started to think that we might just be able to make something here.

So, a few weeks later, we set up the shoot. We had access to an empty flat for the weekend, so I planned a two-day shoot, setting up in the morning and filming in the afternoons. We had about ten people involved, and remarkably, they all turned up.

That was the last thing that went well. It became immediately apparent that something was wrong with the two girls. There was no chemistry; in fact they barely looked at one another. It turned out that they'd had a blazing row the night before, and were not on speaking terms. One of them was consoling herself by taking large gulps from a bottle of vodka, the other was simply glaring at her and delivering her lines in a sort of clenched-toothed snarl.

After giving up on the girls' scene, I decided to focus on another bit for a while. A guy had a very small part (fnarr): all he had to do was to take a pull on a large comedy spliff and deliver a single line. In the interests of veracity, he insisted on using a real spliff. This turned out to be more methodone than method, as he could not seem to deliver the line correctly, and by the time we got to about take 38, he was incapable of speaking at all. I eventually left him slumped in the corner mumbling incoherently to a rubber plant.

I decided to see if the girls were doing any better. I discovered that one of them was about to be date-raped by one of the other cast members, who was taking maximum possible advantage of the rapidly reducing level in her vodka bottle.

At this point I gave up, and told everyone to come back the next day. I hoped that things might be better in the morning. Fat chance. The only thing I remember about the next day is that one of the main characters had decided to have his long hair cut short on Saturday night, so looked completely different. The rest of the day is a complete blur.

It was my last attempt to make a film. I've never even watched the pitiful amount of footage we did manage to capture. I gave up video work shortly after.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 16:17, 3 replies)

Oxford University, 1996
A young emvee had been encouraged by his school to apply to Oxford and with an interest in doing PPE at Jesus College, I attended an open day there. I quite liked the university and understood that if the "informal" chat with the Professor went well I'd be offered a place, so along with about 20 other prospective students I trooped into his study and found myself somewhere to sit. He'd just about got into the introduction when there was a knock at the door and this girl arrived late.

She was a 10, no question, with beautiful brunette hair, lovely face and a stunning body - I was more or less smitten at first sight. Being late, there weren't any chairs left so the Professor rummaged around behind his desk and managed to find her a small stool to sit on and she found herself a bit of space to sit down - directly opposite me. Even though she was wearing a long skirt, it was one of those that had a split up the middle at the front and this, combined with my 18 year-old libido, was to prove my downfall as it allowed me a perfect view of her knickers.

There I was, thinking quite happily to myself: "They're white, they're lacy and I can just about see a little bit of bush behind them" when I realised the study had gone quiet and everyone seemed to be looking at me, including the object of my affections. The Professor had just asked me a question about the European Union or some such shit, and was expecting a smart-arsed answer. I had to confess that I had no idea what he was talking about.

I never got that offer and I didn't go to Oxford, all for a brief glimpse of gusset.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 16:12, 10 replies)

i paid
the ferryman
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 16:10, Reply)

I think it all went wrong for this person when they got upset enough to make an account dedicated to following me around.
b3ta.com/users/profile.php?id=93074

Tragic really. I still lolled though.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 15:20, 17 replies)

First cigarette at 13, first taste of alcohol not long after
I didn't wake up back then and think "Something seriously lacking in my life, must be cigs and booze." No.

Peer pressure and relentless, brilliant advertising were the main factors.

The downhill slope of addiction is pretty mild. And pretty boring. Like a really shit go-cart on a very gentle slope.

Cold turkey, on the other hand, wow.
(roysin, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 13:53, 19 replies)

It was in 1996
when Larry LaPrise, who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died at the age of 84. To hear tell of it, the family was coping reasonably well up to the point of putting the body into the casket.

They put the left leg in... and then the trouble started.
( Wanderer, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:51, 8 replies)

Would someone be kind enough to explain why my post was deleted?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:36, 87 replies)

St Petersburg was where it all went wrong.
The success of the Bolshevist coup in Russia created the myth that Leninism was the only, or the the dominant, form of communism. An opportunity to build a free world was pissed away in favour of non democratic socialist tyranny, giving capitalism another chance.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:30, 19 replies)

twats like Dr shambolic and the majority of /talk users ruining virtually every qotw, that's where it's gone wrong on this once great site, gone are the days of me enjoying reading stories by pooflake etc, what has ascii pictures got to do with this qotw?
(biggary, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 2:28, 73 replies)

One simply told One's Privy Counsellor that One did NOT wish to go to Swansea.
/HM The Queen blog.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Mon 4 Mar 2013, 0:29, Reply)

bout there I reckon
www.b3ta.com/questions/allwentwrong/post1882876
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 3 Mar 2013, 18:37, 32 replies)

..."my dad when he suggested I become a civil servant. Dammit, I could have been an astronaut"
Astronauts are civil servants.
(speedevil, Sun 3 Mar 2013, 16:23, 6 replies)

That time I got clepped.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sun 3 Mar 2013, 15:25, 3 replies)

Mrooowwwwm!

　　　　　　 ∧ ∧　　　　
　　　　　 (´･ω･｀):.　_
　　　　 ｒ'⌒と､j 　　ヽ　　
　　　 ノ　,.ｨ'　 ｀ヽ.　/
　　／　　　　　　 i!./
　 （_,. 　 　 　 　 //
　く.,_｀^''ｰ-､_,,..ノ/
　　　｀~`''ー--‐'

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 3 Mar 2013, 14:45, 5 replies)

Dear Jim
Please could you fix it for me....
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Sun 3 Mar 2013, 13:16, 3 replies)

It would have to be
When they filled my entire existence with Asian people.

That's when it all went Wong for me.
(David CopAFeel Used to be The_Elcat - Spouting crap since 1970., Sun 3 Mar 2013, 11:48, 2 replies)

see years/months/days
in profile.
( blyerkit e k trilby, Sun 3 Mar 2013, 10:24, 2 replies)

This Winter With Joe The Plumber
Every winter is a challenge for Joe the Plumber, because the work runs out, and Joe tends to make dumb decisions when he has too much time on his hands. This winter, though, was the worst.

The downhill slide actually started in the spring of 2012. He developed a crush on a prostitute, and saw a future for himself as a bodyguard for her and her colleagues. I pointed out that the motorcycle dudes who hung around with her were probably already her bodyguards: they certainly weren't clients, but he ignored my advice. Instead, he offered to give her his pickup truck. She accepted the gift, but became suspicious of his intentions, and soon rejected his calls. Then, in the autumn, Joe's van became disabled, and since he had no transportation at all apart from a bicycle, he lost all ability to keep an income. So, he spent the winter shivering in a disabled van in a motel parking lot, picking up odd jobs like fencing stolen goods, and the like. The prostitute lost the pickup truck too: it got impounded for no license, etc. Some people don't appreciate gifts.

Now that temperatures are warming up, Joe can get more work again, and finally move on. But the moral is, don't develop a crush on a prostitute. But I'm sure he'll come up with some equally-dumb idea for screwing himself over in 2013.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sun 3 Mar 2013, 9:40, 4 replies)

"We never should have given women the vote."

( Wanderer, Sun 3 Mar 2013, 6:42, 4 replies)