I get furious
My partner is lovely, she is kind considerate and has lovely norks, her eyes are beautiful and I could drown in them, but when I get hungry I get irritable and just breathing in and out will annoy the fuck out of me! The same happens when I get tired.



I don't know how she puts up with me some days!
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 12:48, Reply)

I want a dog
My soon to be ex-partner wanted a dog. "I don't really" says I, "I want a dog" says she, "But you work shifts, it'll be difficult",..."I want a dog". I continue a reasoned debate about the 'cons of having a dog that I don't want, but it's very difficult to emapthise with someone who basically behaves like a spoilt child and counters any reasonable argument with 'But I want a dog'.

As no middle ground can be reached she finally is resigned to the fact that I don't want a dog. Then I'm told that I will never be forgiven and that I need to move into the spare room. I do so beliving that she will calm down soon and see the sense in two people being able to have different points of view and still live comfortably together.

Next day at work, phone call. "Just wanted you to know, we've got a dog."

I'm currently looking at flats.
(onemunki Down there for dancing, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 12:34, 12 replies)

Lately...just about everything
I go upstairs to get some peace and quiet and read my magazine. She simply HAS to tidy that room at that moment in time.

I walk back downstairs to the lounge - then the lounge suddenly must be cleaned.

I don't hear two words from her all night while Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, etc is on TV, we go to bed and she can't talk enough.

I just shouldn't be around people.
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 12:29, 1 reply)

Daily Mail
The Amish Wife drags a fetid copy into the house on a semi-regular basis.

On the other hand, it is quite medically useful, as if you find yourself with dangerously low blood pressure, you can just start reading it. And if you have dangerously high blood pressure, you can just tear it into a million pieces, or set fire to it.

The Saturday TV section is quite good, though. <goes for shower>
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 12:07, 5 replies)

Annoying habits of my ex
1) Sleeping with other men
2) Not sleeping with me
3) Going into a psychotic rage because I'd chopped the vegetables the "wrong way"
4) Refusing to define what the "right way" was
5) Demanding that I came to bed even if I'd been out all night, so that I would be "the first thing she saw when she woke up". Then getting royally pissed off the first time I actually did that.
6) Finally pissing me off so much that I walked out, then running past me in the street, turning, and accusing *me* of leaving her daughter alone in the house
7) Decking me because *she* had left her coat in the pub

OK, by the time we reached 7) I had worked out that she was completely unstable and was about to break up with her. And to her credit she was a foot shorter than me, and about half my weight, so it was an impressive punch!

But the most annoying thing about her?

Since then she's sorted herself out and is quite a nice person now.

Bitch!
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 11:48, 1 reply)

"Vagabond, you're great in bed - seriously - you do things I never knew existed, and your technique is absolutely awesome ... but ...
you're not a woman."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 11:45, 3 replies)

Snoring.
That little sound that heralds the build up, the crescendo, the sleepless nights, the kicks, the nudges, the 30 second silence, then that little sound again, the nasal whistle, the build up, the crescendo, sleepless....OH FUUUUUCK! THE FUCKING SNORING, THE ENDLESS FUCKING SNORING.

Give me Chinese water torture any day.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 11:36, Reply)

One from my sister-in-law.
My brother is a Sharpe fanatic and a sleepwalker/talker. According to his wife, one night after a DVD boxset binge he sat bolt upright in his sleep, shouted "HOLD THE LINE, BOYS!" and then fell back to sleep.
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Fri 5 Aug 2011, 11:12, 6 replies)

My ex was the untidiest person I've ever met
It was so bad that it seemed to take more effort for her to be as untidy as she was than not. If she had the sweet wrapper when in the kitchen, she would walk over to the worktop to lay it on there rather than put it in the bin right next to her. I am hardly Mr Anal Retentive Neat And Tidy, but there was something about this ridiculous slovenliness that put me off. (Or would have done, had I not cried tears of gratitude for being able to have real sex with a real woman, without paying.)
(McChinaman banned, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 10:43, Reply)

She just wouldn't stop crying.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 10:36, 6 replies)

Do you know what? I've got NOTHING this week...
I've done lots of ranting about exes on here before, and as most of you will know, Jessie and I were sickeningly happy together.

For those of you that don't know, I'm engaged now, to someone I've known for 18 years, and I'm so happy I can't even begin to tell you. There's nothing about her that I'd change...

Sorry, this is one of those "I don't have a post" posts (although I did warn you at the top)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 10:31, 6 replies)

my wife....
gets upset with me when I introduce her as "my first wife" or "my current wife"
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 10:09, 8 replies)

My girfriend keeps going down on me.
Why is that annoying you say? Well, it's costing me a fortune in puncture repair kits.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 10:03, 3 replies)

'Have you got everything?'.
'Have you got your iPod?', 'Yes'
'Have you got your train ticket?', 'Yes'
'Have you got the camera?', 'yes'
'have you got the your walking boots?', 'Yes'
'Have you got...',

'Look woman! I've got everything, OK? I've got my iPod, I've got my train ticket, my wallet, my boot, the camera, the lunch is in the car, the maps are in my bag, I have a book, I have the newspaper, I have bottles of water, I've even got the recycling ready to drop off on the way to the car, I'm not a child, I don't need you to list everything one by one, I can remember things on my own, OK?'

'OK, only trying to help'.

An hour later:

'Why do you keep pulling your trousers up? You forgot your belt didn't you?', 'Yes'.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 9:57, 1 reply)

she was a total muppet
which meant I couldn't go out with her, or meet her. Oh Piggy.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 9:51, Reply)

Derailment
When Mrs Duck and I are arguing. Not the full on important stuff the stupid bickering we all do. She will quite often get her tits out while I'm ranting away and completely derail my train of thought.

She has got lovely norks
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 9:35, 16 replies)

On the night I finally tore up my V Card, I was in a crappy hotel in Brummigham.
Before I finally became a man, I was very nervous and I had a terrible, window-rattler of a fart brewing. So I retired to the en-suite to 'freshen up'. I was in there ten minutes (About five minutes longer than I was in her, as a matter of fact), willing this foul vapourous eruption to escape.
Finally, finally, it is released, and I am free! Free to lurve!

I make for the door, and the moment my hand touches the handle, she starts banging on it frenziedly.
Says my beloved, in dulcet tones: "Come on, I've got a fucking huge shit coming!"

How did I ever let a jewel like that get away from me?
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Fri 5 Aug 2011, 9:28, 2 replies)

Leave a light on for me
My wife will kindly leave a light on for me if she knows I'm coming in late. It's very thoughtful of her. But guess which light she leaves on? The MAIN one with all the non energy saving bulbs! She was as well go and set fire to the fucking rainforest and hack all the panda cubs to death! The thing is, her intentions are good and I don't want to piss her off by suggesting she kindly leave a lamp on instead, or perhaps realise I'm all grown up and can locate the light switch, most of the time.
(impossibly witty twat No, YOUR Mum etc etc, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 9:24, 9 replies)

I'm struggling this week,
because I don't really like the negative questions, particularly those that so quickly descend into bitterness, misogyny or rehashes of the type of stand up comedy that Alexis Sayle and his ilk were supposed to have killed off ('she eats my chips', really?). It just makes me despair, no one is having fun with this, it's all just poorly written recrimination and vitriol. The stories are dull, unfunny, tedious and painful to read. There's no amusement to be had in telling shitty tales of shitty people that don't mean anything to anyone else. We were barely two hours in and the bad puns started, that's how bad things are.

Also, I didn't think I had anything to say until I remembered one ex in particular. She was annoying because all she did was moan. Nothing was ever good enough for her.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 9:20, 4 replies)

Oral hygene is important....
... but why does she have to leave the evidence splattered over the bathroom mirror. Every. Funting. Night?

I clean it off each morning - with her face cloth.
(karnuvap, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 8:22, Reply)

Just too many peas
I'll start with the peas (not the roasted kind - as you shall see).

The current Mrs. Vap has developed a taste for risotto and this involves adding peas to the sticky rice (recipe to follow) but she judges the correct proportion of peas to add by virtue of leaving exactly the right number behind in the bowl that they were defrosted in. No matter how many handfulls of peas were added to the bowl in the first place - there has to be a set amount left over. WHY?
(karnuvap, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 8:19, 4 replies)

My ex was a filth bag
I still shudder thinking about this.

I am as most males fairly interested in licking the hairy clam.

So one night my then girlfriend gets home and we start down the path of hanky panky. Now at this stage ive forgotten that ive noticed the shower head hasnt been moved from where I so carfully put it three days in a row and head down south for some mouth love.
Cue me screwing my nose up and asking if she has washed lately? Shock horror, no she hasnt, but hops out of bed and grabs a mediwipe.

Im not sure which tasted worse, the three day old manky pussy or the lemon flavoured chemical minge i had a go at.

Needless to say we broke up not long after that.

Good riddance to bad rubbish!
( jakedamusss I understand, and dont care., Fri 5 Aug 2011, 6:35, 6 replies)

Stupid ex husband
would wake me in the night to tell me something. Being tired it wouldn't quite make sense and he'd get more and more annoyed that I didn't understand.

At some point during the conversation he'd actually wake up and stop talking in his sleep, but continue arguing anyway, I assume because he didn't like losing arguments.

Throughout the whole thing I'd have no idea what was going on but usually too half asleep to work out he was sleep talking
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 0:32, Reply)

There is a list of things *
but as his brother is a b3tan I shall say none of them here.


*actually, not that many really.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Fri 5 Aug 2011, 0:21, 3 replies)

My wife
Is wonderful, lovely and perfect in just about every way.

Except that when she does the washing-up, she insists on using ten times as much washing-up liquid than necessary.

While I will give a light drizzle over a plate - enough to enable the hydrophilic and hydrophobic molecules to mix and wash off under running water with a brush - she will squeeze a huge great ejaculation of liquid onto a sponge, and half-fill the sink with the suds - for each and every item.

I have to speak to my bank manager every time I go to Tesco to stock up on Fairy.
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 23:44, 12 replies)

Why Not Stay Home?
Me: Do you have to drive to San Francisco twice a week to do Israeli Folk Dancing? It's a long way; it requires lots of fuel; why not stay home, for a change?

Her: It's part of who I am. It's what I HAVE to do!

Me: If it's so important, why are we living out here?

Her: You tell me. But I've got to go; I'm going to be late.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 23:17, Reply)

When I was young and foolish, I got to know this lass and we ended up moving in together.
Things were strained after it became obvious she was quite spoiled and used to getting her own way by whinging, passive-aggression and manipulation, and I was rational, emotionally detached and treated these tactics with tolerant incomprehension; as a result, we annoyed the shit out of each other.

The major source of friction at first was the difference between our work patterns - she was a secretary at a law firm and worked 9-5 Monday-Friday, and I was a lab technician in a paint factory and did continental shifts (7am-7pm two days, 7pm-7am two nights, then four days off). So she'd whinge for waking her up when I got up for work at 5.30am, whinge when I went to straight to bed after coming in from a night shift still smelling of solvents, and throw a strop and sulk for several days when I calmly pointed out this was because she was usually in the shower when I got home, usually spent a very long time in there, and had previously point-blank refused to consider taking a shower a bit earlier and let me have a turn in reasonable time if my lingering eau de petrochemicals was really such a problem.

Besides these small niggles, there were more snarky queries like "why can't you get a proper job?", "why can't you be here every weekend?", "[her friend's] fiance James has a job in sales and they're going to Barbados on their honeymoon, why don't you go into sales?" and so on. She fancied herself as a social climber, you see. Another silent sulk resulted when I pointed out I wasn't a natural salesman, my job was paying most of the rent and I had better prospects in my line of work than I would have done if I'd jacked it in and become an office skivvy.

It was all a bit tiresome, and sometimes unintentionally funny, but it ended in ugly scenes when I found out she'd been shagging one of the solicitors at her workplace, confronted her with the evidence and kicked her out. As revenge she claimed I'd been physically abusive and managed to do a lot of damage to my reputation, career and sanity, thanks in no small part to some mysterious legal assistance. But now the dust has cleared I live on my own several towns away, lead a gainfully employed yet mostly carefree life and the only source of irritation is my own bad habits. Hooray for independence!
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 23:16, Reply)

i am on the internet and have touched a human being.
/lies
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 23:07, 2 replies)

I dated a Jewish Princess from North London once
Lovely girl. Sweet and loyal and fun and she had a pair of great big sloppy norks like the world's most perfect pillows. She had a proper Jewish mother who loved to cook for me too, which was a bonus. She could be bloody annoying though. Here follows a typical scene. It's 10am on Saturday. I'm in bed with a head banging away like the boiler room on the Titanic and a gutful of last night's ale that's been granted parole and wants out. I'd like to be asleep, dreaming of bunnies and sunshine but no, my phone is bleeping at me. Ah hell, she's probably crashed her car into the house again. Better answer it.

"Hi Scrumper!" I can barely make her out. She's whispering.
"Hi, I'm asleep, what's up?" Groggy.
"I just wanted to say that I can't talk now. I'm at Synagogue. I'll call you later. OK bye!"


Every. Sodding. Weekend.
( Scrumper, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 22:46, 1 reply)