Bigger than all of you put together

In 1999/2000 the insurance company I worked for merged with another of roughly the same size. In order to create one huge company with a common brand identity, it was decided to hold a series of four full day ‘brand events’ in the Birmingham Exhibition Centre or whatever it’s called. Over the four consecutive days, one quarter of all staff would attend to meet ‘the other lot’ and have a fun day of branding nonsense. Billeting was in about four local business hotels.

Those that went on day one didn’t know what to expect, nor did those on day two. I was due to go on day three and we got to hear about it from the day-oners. We found out there was a free bar in the evening before the meal.

The event part of the day included a Q&A session led by none other than Michael Buerk of BBC fame, and the evening entertainment was Alistair MacGowan.

Now, when you work for an insurance company there are few perks. 13% discount on your insurance plus as many paperclips as you can palm doesn’t do it for most people, so the prospect of free booze was not to be missed….and it wasn’t. We started with bottles of beer, but found that the bar-staff were not stingy when we asked for spirits, so, in the hour before the meal, I managed about four bottles of bud and four very large scotches. Each table had ample bottles of red and white wine to go with the meal as well…

…my last memory is dirty dancing with a foxy lady from the helpline to the live band, and I vaguely remember spraying my bathroom with shit and vomit, though no idea how I got back to the hotel. Needless to say, I passed on the breakfast and only just made it back to the coach for a nightmare four hour journey home.

The upshot was that the WHOLE COMPANY was barred from Birmingham – apparently there was some serious abuse of room service, copulating couples in the bushes, vomit-a-plenty and other disgusting behaviour too shocking to ever be revealed.

Six or seven years on, people still talk fondly about those days, even though all the branding stuff was shelved when we merged yet again two years later.

[Off topic: ‘Quote me Happy’ – who can think up other 3-word phrases in this format, i.e. ‘imperative verb – pronoun – adjective’. My best efforts are ‘Fuck me Stupid’, ‘Suck me Silly’ and ‘Paint me Orange’. Answers on a post please]

DAMN – there goes all my credibility, still, at least you now know why I’m heading for a mid-life crisis.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 13:15, Reply)