Cautionary tale...
Im sorry to say that people too k me seriously when I said I'd never burped the weasel. Nevermind :)

My life: Making mistakes so you don't have to.

**********************************

Wanking when young was an act of desperation... It was to fulfil a need. Wanking in later years became more of an art-form: finding novel ways to achieve the ultimate goal became my vocation - and if you can imagine it - I've probably tried it.

I recently wrote about my little disaster with a napkin ring, when - though a series of errors and ignorance when it came to the workings of the erectile one-eyed trouser-gopher - I ended up on my knees, engorged and metal-clad cock in one hand and Dremel in the other... This one however falls below that in terms of horrifying moments... but none-the-less represents what must be one of man's more horrific blunders in the name of self gratification.

The phrase to describe man's needs "Warm, tight and wet" is, in honesty a bit bland, but as a teenager in love with ejaculation, my goal was to painstakingly replicate those precise conditions in an engineered form, and Fuck it. A typical week's R&D would go like this...

Hot Sponge
This proved to be too "cleaning" and I cleaned a lot of skin off my bellend. Ouch.

Hot Sponge Mod 1
With Soap!! (see, I wasn't stupid). Cleans skin off bellend, and sting more. BUGGER.

Hot Sponge with "Shammy" leather liner.
Smooooth and yummy. With added Body lotion... Better! SUCCESS!!! (but leaves weird streaks on the car)

Most teenagers are infamous for spending suspiciously long in the bathroom... I possibly had them trumped by being the only lad who'd take half the garage with him.

What I though would be the culmination of my work would the the only logical extension of the "shagging an orange" theory. Oranges are acidic, they have sharp pips and they are SMALL. We needed something less acidic and larger. MELONS!!!

The only thing that a melon naturally lacked was warmth.

My parents were out, and we had just got a microwave. Excellent. Not one to master the power settings, I plumped for "turbo". I nuked the melon in 30 second bursts, waiting until the outside felt good and warm. 5 minutes later we were ready to pork.

I retired upstairs with a Starret hole-saw and a drill and proceeded to remove a neat 52mm diameter plate of potentially sharp and hard skin.. This was going to be sublime... then, using the handle of a wooden spoon, I poked a "pilot" hole into the soft melon-flesh.... it was easy....

I was a bit giddy with excitement as I shed clothes. This was going to be fucking PERFECT. My knees were trembling and I had that fluttery excited feeling in my stomach that you get when you know something awesome is about to come your way.

I experimentally nudged my teenage boy-hood in though the hole in the skin, and the first inch of soft, warm and forgiving melon-flesh lovingly gave way. I knew that - in a moment - I was going to feel warm juices squirt back onto my balls I was drooling at this point.

~~~~~~~~ Wavy lines ~~~~~~~~

We'll take a little break here so I can tell you that later on I learned that the hardish parabolic skin of a melon concentrates the microwaves into the centre of the fruit. This - put simply - means that if the outside of the melon was warm, then the sugar-rich and watery centre was going to be literally boiling.... but - you just have to learn the hard way sometimes. *sigh*

~~~~~~~ Wavy lines ~~~~~~~

I thrust home to the hilt.

It actually sizzled.

And I walked funny for a month.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 22 Feb 2011, 10:08, 4 replies)

I assume this is a
repost, because I've heard that before.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 12:19, closed)

Reposted Questions
get Reposted Answers.

and yes, you heard it from me before: in "The things I've been most ashamed of doing with my Penis" QOTW.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:28, closed)

fair enough
just checking if it was you that did it, or urban legend.

I'd have probably left it on the radiator for half an hour :)
( Not Pineapple anymore, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:35, closed)

It's the way you tell 'em mate!
*Clicks*
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:52, closed)