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This is a question Best Comebacks

At some point we've all been insulted. What's the wittiest retort you've ever uttered leaving the antagonist lost for words? Share your wisdom so that we learn, and have a come back ready for every occasion.

(, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:19)
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Kind of a geeky one
I moderate an American gaming community message board, and am well known for my low tolerance of stupid people, especially kids around 13-16. Anyway, while discussing the up coming GTA: San Andreas, one such stupid person said this:

"I read on a website somewhere that they're not going to make anymore GTA games after the fourth one."

My response:

"I read on a website somewhere that Hitler was made of biscuits"

Like I said, pretty geeky, and technically not a comeback, but still pretty funny, even if I do say so myself.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 15:50, Reply)
Patronising revisisted
Her: Don't patronise me!
Him: No, patronising is when you talk _down_ to someone..

Usually followed by a slap.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 15:50, Reply)
Patronising you back...
Said this with some venom in the middle of a very heated argument:

"Don't try and patronise me - you're not intelligent enough."

He didn't like that much I can tell you :)
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 15:47, Reply)
Shabbyshop fizz-faced cunt!
When I was at Uni, I worked the summer holidays in the Habitat store in Edinburgh. I turned up for work a few minutes late one Monday morning and found the store closed (for staff training - apparently). A woman was standing outside the front doors with a face like fizz. I asked her' "Isn't the shop open?" She replied, "If it was open, I'd be in there, wouldn't I, Moron!". She then noticed my Habitat staff badge, showing from under my coat, and asked, "Isn't there a staff entrance you can use?". My reply, of course, was, "If there was, I'd be in there, wouldn't I, Moron!". When we eventually got in, half an hour later, she reported me to the manager and I got a verbal warning. Cunt!
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 15:44, Reply)
I honestly have said some good ones
but I can't remember them so have this crap one instead.
When I was in school some guy used the ol' "You're mum's so stupid she got locked in Tesco and starved"
To which I said: "You're mum's so FAT she got locked in Tesco and starved"

Do you see? Not my best.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 15:43, Reply)
This isn't really a verbal comback, no was it really my doing but...
Was driving home yesterday, and overtook a bloke who was hovering between the two lanes approaching an island. On pulling back in front of him he procedded to give it the big'un, honking his horn, and effing and blinding. I ignored the freak, and once he'd picked a lane, he pulled up along-side me, shouting and dishing out dirty looks. So intent on giving me the evil eye, he drove into the back of the car in front of him !!! A man who was built like a bear got out to inspect the damage- I gave a small pip of applause and drove away - I laughed so much.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 15:30, Reply)
Not technically a comeback, but it had a similar effect
My old mate had few redeeming features when I knew him but he had a knack for timing... good and bad, appropriate and not...

Best of all was when he got woken up by a knock at the door, and opened the door to a small cluster of Jehovah's Witnesses. Picture the scene, if you will, of 2 sharply dressed men, clutching a bible and wearing a suspicious grin suddenly being confronted with a lardy, bleary, unshaven, greasy-haired Geordie, wearing a Cradle of Filth "Jesus is a Cunt" t-shirt and a pair of boxers with his cock hanging out... and generally looking like he'd been dragged through a hedge backwards.

Apparently the JW's faces dropped and they hustled away with an expression that said "Must... burn... out... my... eyes..." while he collapsed on the doorstep in a state of hysterics.

At least that's the basic story he told me when I went round after work to pick up some stuff. Normally, these kinds of stories are made up, or embellished... but if you ever met the Geordie in question you'll understand why I believe every word of it.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 15:28, Reply)
Whilst having a row in the pub with his ex,
a friend of mine was heard to utter:

"Shut up you tart. The most intelligent thing that ever came out of your mouth is my cock!"

Classy.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 15:24, Reply)
A bit late for the other week's question...
I just remembered one insult/comeback that I delivered to a "celebrity".

This happened many years ago when I worked at St. Thomas' Hospital. Having made it to Westminster Tube Station, who do I bump into but the old lothario himself, Cecil Parkinson, recently outed as having a love child by his secretary, Sarah Keyes.

Rather impatiently he said, "Could you watch where you're going?" so I said, "Does your wife know you're out?"

The scowl I received was worth it.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 15:19, Reply)
Well yah new...
Oi was a school the other day and Charlotte told Kirsty that Oid done the dirty thang with Paul Jones's cousins brother and that I wuz the biggestest slaag in the whewl school.

Yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah...

STOP GIVEN ME EVILS!!
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 15:16, Reply)
My Mum
Jahova's witness came to the door, and said are you ready for jehova's return, she tried to close the door, but he put his foot init mum said you cunt and kicked him in the bollocks CLASS
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 15:12, Reply)
Plebs on the bus
A mate was on a packed bus heading home after a gruelling day's work. Also on there were three generations of chavs - a grandmother, her daughter and the daughter's 3-yr-old daughter. The child/antichrist was running up and down the bus screaming and treading on people's toes. The grandmother grabbed hold of her and told her to keep quiet to which the little dear replied "fuck off" and carried on screaming.

At this point the driver gets up and decides to chuck Ilkeston's answer to the Waltons off the bus. The woman went off on one and said she was staying.

The rest of the passengers had by now had enough and one bloke got up and told the woman to do everyone a favour and fuck off.

Woman: How dare you use language like that to me?
Passenger: Sorry love. I'd never heard the phrase till your charming daughter said it"

She got off the bus. The bus cheered.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 15:11, Reply)
One of those annoying compensation blokes
accosted me in the street the other day. He came out with the standard have you had an accident in the last three years question as they do. Quick as a flash I pointed to my daughter and said only her. He pissed off. YAY
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 15:08, Reply)
DO ONE MATE
if someone gets in my face i just say fucking do one it's cool
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 15:07, Reply)
the jesus army (or some other happy clappy halfwits)
were running their annual plague through the streets of brummingham trying to find other like-minded simple-minded folks to join their bronze-age cult. A couple of the shiny-eyed manchildren approached me (I was in full stoodent hippy fuck garb - beard, flowing locks, sandals).
"Excuse me sir ... can we tell you about Our Saviour Jesus Christ?"
Pause. Look myself up and down. Raise Eyebrows.
"I am fucking Jesus Christ."
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 15:02, Reply)
A mate of mine...
was well into his metal and as was his want had fairly long, slightly girly hair.

A girl who was friends with my sister was walking down the street one day and she shouted over "Hippie!" (highly original). Without missing a step he turned around and shouted back to my sister's slightly tubby friend, "Hippo!". Simple, elegant and left the silly fat moo with a look of stunned bewilderment...priceless.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 15:00, Reply)
Just thought of another...
Me: Whats wrong?
Mates Boyfriend: You can't get a wank on the NHS.

Well it certainly shut me up!
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 14:55, Reply)
Not me, Harold Bishop
Apparently at some sort of Neighbours meet and greet a guy went up to Harold Bishop and asked him why he was so fat, to which Harold replied "because everytime i f**ked your mum I ate a pie".
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 14:49, Reply)
not so much verbal, but still hysterical at the time!
We once had a friend who was a compulsive liar, and it is no exagerration that every word from her mouth was a lie! Anyways one day we all decided to take a trip up london and all day she was going on about this 'fantastic good looking' man she was now going out with (but we couldnt meet him, oh no). We all pretty much ignored it so she finally decided to prove it.

We were walking along and noticed she had lagged behind. We stopped, looked round and she is chatting away on the phone to this supposed boyfriend (we didn't hear her mobile go off). So we were patient...stood there...when my best mate claire started fumbling in her bag. Next thing we know the girls mobile has gone off WHILE SHE WAS STILL TALKING INTO IT!!!!!!! Claire had rung it!!!!

Liar said 'Oh you cut him off...'
Claire said 'Sorry...'

And that was the last we heard about it!

YAY!

Sorry for length. Complaints will be dealt with in a first come first served order.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 14:47, Reply)
worst comeback - really lame comeback!!
Often used for any argument, insult or even a normal question

"YOUR MUM!!"

ie;
"What the hell are you doing?"
REPLY "Your Mum!!"

"You utter twat!!"
REPLY "Your Mum!!"

"What time is it?"
REPLY "Your Mum!!"
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 14:46, Reply)
Not necessarily a comeback to an insult...
While out with a flaming mate at the local gay bar, someone came over and asked could he buy my mate a drink.

At which point my mate turns to me and says "I'm sorry, what's that? Hell? It's frozen over?! Sure you can buy me a drink!".

Poor guy. I did bowl over laughing though...
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 14:44, Reply)
Here's another one......
Whenever someone says anything utterly useless, dig a coin out of your wallet/purse and say

"Here you go, here's 10p. Now go and ring someone who gives a fuck"
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 14:42, Reply)
oh, the smarmy f****r!
At a club a few weeks ago I was drunkingly rambling on to a girl about how good my band is (well, I think so?).
After a while she said,
"I think you're cute but you're too arrogant"
I replied,
"I know, now f**k off!"
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 14:41, Reply)
Only works on blokes, but it stunned the kid who wouldn't shut up
'Ah, fuck off. You thought you had a pubic hair till you pissed out of it'
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 14:38, Reply)
Re: tort
One that sticks in memory is when I said something to a mate of mine and he said "is this the face of a man who gives a fuck?"

So I said "is that the face of a man? *That's* the question."

One-nil
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 14:32, Reply)
Taking
a fairly broad approach to what constitutes an insult...

Couple of weeks back I was crossing the road to the tube near me when I was stopped by a woman who asked if I was English. No, I said, I'm Irish, will that do? She launched into a spiel about how she was desperate, she wasn't given to approaching people in the street yadda yadda. As it happens, I've been doing quite a bit of research into con artists recently, and recognised a script when I heard it; she was about to (a) portray herself as a respectable woman who had been desperately wronged and now needed cash and (b) try to rip me off for as much money as I was good for.

Sure enough, she started telling me about how she'd come back to her St John's Wood home to find her husband in bed with another woman, and had run out of the house without her cards or money, and needed money to get to her brother's house near Guildford. She'd give me her mobile number, address and so on and I could get the money back from her in a week or so. Obviously.

Not long before, I'd had my Switch card cloned, and 600 quid ripped off from my account. So, I explained this to her and apologised that I wasn't in any position to help her with cash. But, I went on, I did have some friends nearby in Kilburn. Some quite unpleasant and, truth be told, fucking dangerous friends, who owed me a couple of very big favours. And if she'd be willing to pass on the address, I could have three or four of them round there inside an hour with a white van and they would make her problem go away. And then we could talk about... payment.

She RAN.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 14:32, Reply)
I like telling people who argue with me
that I've seen better arguments in a bowl of alphabet soup.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 14:31, Reply)
bitchy girls
I've never actually said this but...

There's a girl in work who for some unknown reason a) seems to hate a lot of people (mostly girls) and b) is very arrogant for someone, who is over 6 foot tall and built like a prize heffer with a face to match!

She regularly makes snide comments to people, like the one she made to me a little while ago when she said
"oh have you had your hair cut? It looks......(long silence) different"

to which I nearly (but sadly didn't) replied:

"oh, well thanks. You look the same as you always do.....like a tub of lard......with 50% extra free..."
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 14:30, Reply)
Thought of two more over a Friday lunchtime pint.
One of my favourites, though an indirect one was coined by someone famous, probably Groucho Marx: Someone said "X is his own worst enemy you know," to which he replied "Not while I'm alive he isn't" - pure class.

The other one was pure me.

I'd just started the job from hell. Packing chocolates as a temp for a famous York based chocy producer...on the night shift. Our supervisor was an evil 24 year old townie slapper who really enjoyed shouting, and would have cracked a mirror with just one glance. It's actually pretty hard to pack two chocolates in the right place in each tray as they whizz past you bumper-to-bumper at the rate of about 2 per second, so she was shouting at us to speed up. I was a bit pissed off with her attitude and said
"I'm going as fast as I can", she came back with something like,
"Any more of your back-chat and I'll make sure you don't come back tomorrow night", to which I replied quick as a flash,
"Ooh, that would make me cry" in my most sarky manner. Anyway, it shut her up for a bit and the whole production line (about 20 of us) smirked and giggled at her for the rest of the shift.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 14:29, Reply)

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