Driving through the American South
I fell asleep in the back of the car, and when I woke up we had stopped at a store in what appeared to be the middle of a semi-tropical jungle. The first task as I struggled to wake up was to fill a jug with water. I asked a man where I might fill up the jug, and he pointed at what looked like a scurvy tap. I asked, "Is that water OK?" He replied "Sure, it's city water.' I looked around at the foliage and said disdainfully "WHAT city?" Instant outrage. Apparently the city in question was just out of sight, around a highway bend. I had insulted his fair city and stomped all over his sensibilities. As is every tourist's responsibility, I think.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 21:24, 4 replies)

Musical theater rehearsal
Several of us men were singing behind the female soloist. The director shouted "back up!", so we clustered yet closer to the female singer, in order to better "back her up". Frustrated director meant 'move upstage'.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 19:50, 1 reply)

Another one involving mad women
So, we moved into a new house in may. There were a number of minor repairs that needed doing (i.e. the electric shower unit was hanging precariously off the wall, and eventually fell off, etc) that were agreed to be done either before we move in, or very shortly after. 3 months in, nothing happened, so I sent a polite email asking when they were likely to be done, etc etc. Eventually they were. Great.

Fairly soon afterwards the washing machine died. I notified the landlord, and was dutifully told this would be fixed when they return from their holiday on the 12th September. Great.

By the 12th October I was somewhat concerned so sent a (once again) polite email stating that I hoped they were well and had a good holiday, and asking when it was likely to be done, as we'd been coping without one for 6 weeks.

Within minutes of sending the email I had a phonecall from a woman who was screaming so loudly and incomprehensibly that she was on the point of tears.

I struggled a "hello?" inbetween the rantings, at which point I put the call on speakerphone (as I doubt my partner would've believed what was happening otherwise) whereupon I was accused by my landlord (I later gathered) of threatening her, stalking her, spying on her outside her house (no idea where she lives?) and being verbally abusive and overly demanding. Apparently we aren't living in "the four seasons" and she has a "big date in her diary to evict us".

Yeah...wasn't exactly planning on extending the tenancy after that sparkling interchange.

The leap of logic? Because I mentioned her holiday in the email, despite quoting her original email in the reply.

TL;DR I have a mental landlord, and was foamed at over the phone and accused of stalking for asking for a new washer. Wow that was dull...
(brutal stack Raided the beeves of Apollo on, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 19:44, 2 replies)

In the Taj Mahal curry house, Douglas, Isle of Man
So I'm telling a (not very interesting, not worth repeating) anecdote from that year's summer holiday, when we flew on a German airline and the stewards were a bit clueless.

Next thing I know, there is a scruffy middle-aged guy wearing a sea captain's cap standing next to me.

"Excuse me. My name is Captain Schmidt. I am German."

"er...pleased to meet you..."

"You ver talking about ze var, yes?"

"No, just about my summer holiday."

"Yes you ver, you ver talking about ze second vorld var vith ze English and ze Germans."

"No, really I wasn't, it was just a German plane."

Work colleagues are all cracking up and not offering a word of support.

It took about five minutes to convince him (and I had to suggest he asked the people at the next table in case they'd heard the original conversation better than he had). I thought he was going to pull out his Luger and shoot me.

In one of those esprit d'escalier moments, I later realised I should have asked if he'd parked his U-boat out in the bay.
(rogerzilla, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 18:55, 5 replies)

Good boyfriend.
A friend was once dating two women at the same time, living in separate cities.

"I'm a good boyfriend to Jane," he said, "But I'm a bad boyfriend to Sarah."

I mulled.

"Don't you think the fact that you're any kind of boyfriend to Sarah, even a bad one, means you are not such a good boyfriend to Jane?"

He stared at me. I could see the wheels turning in his head, then burst out laughing. He had the two relationships so separate in his head that he had never made the connection until that moment.
(TommyShanks, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 17:53, 2 replies)

Hebrew hubris
I once worked with a very nice man from Brazil. He was deeply religious and told me he was taking Yiddish lessons so he could someday read the Bible in the original Hebrew.

I did not have the heart to tell him that Yiddish is actually low German.
(TommyShanks, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 17:49, 38 replies)

"Oh my god! You're just! So! Fucking! MALE! ARRRRGGGH!"
Closing argument my ex used in the concluding argument of our relationship.

I didn't know whether to apologise or thank him.

I may have mentioned this story in the past, but it is excellent.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 16:44, 3 replies)

"Please, where are the toilets?"
"Of course I will have sex with you."
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 15:30, 2 replies)

"Oh my god! You're just! So! Fucking! MALE! ARRRRGGGH!"
Closing argument my ex used in the concluding argument of our relationship.

I didn't know whether to apologise or thank her.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 15:14, 21 replies)

I was once involved in a pub fracas after bragging that I could get 24 old pennies under my foreskin.
I keep it in a small box in a mahogany tall boy.
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 14:35, 2 replies)

So I was reading Euclid's Elements in the bath
and noticed that my penis formed an equilateral triangle with the lower part of my torso. Long story short I pissed in my own mouth.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 13:48, 17 replies)

When I was 8
My friend's dad tried telling me that gravity is actually caused by the weight of the air pushing us down. I told him it wasn't, it's all to do with the Earth being so large and so it pulls stuff towards it like a big magnet (my brother told me this after watching Sky At Night). His response was that a) it can't be like a magnet because not everything is made of metal, and b) things float about in space because there's no air.

I don't what he made of people walking about on an airless moon 10 years earlier.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 13:44, 3 replies)

Quantum bizarre leap of logic
Badger boy posted this

"I once humorously suggested that someone had been internet-stalking a Big Brother contestant. They concluded that I was threatening them. What's the oddest misunderstanding you've been involved in?"

And someone else thought it was a good idea.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 13:17, 14 replies)

Binmen
When I was but a young Bearcat I wanted to be a Binman (refuse collector to those across the pond).

I reasoned that they only worked one day a week leaving me plenty of time to do more fun things.
(Bearcat, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 13:01, 5 replies)

I was silly on the internet.
So someone grassed me up to the NMC.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 12:38, 31 replies)

Feeling Deflated: A pea from 2010
This story comes courtesy of a friend of mine, B, and his neighbour, J. J is none too bright, and B has been known to exploit this.

One day, J's car had a puncture, and he knocked on B's door to ask for help fixing it. B took a look, jacked up the car, removed the wheel, rotated it by 180^o, and bolted it back on.
"You see," he explained to J, "the flat bit of the tyre was at the bottom where the tyre touches the road. It's now at the top, where it doesn't touch anything, so you won't have to worry about it any more."

J thanked him.

But he was back the following day to ask for help again. Apparently the puncture had slid back to the bottom of the wheel overnight.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 12:33, 9 replies)

Sudden Blindness
My brother once told me a story about his mates mum, once upon a time she was painting in her house at night when there was a power cut.

The next thing my brother heard was: “Eeeurgh I’ve gone blind”

Apparently she thought that the paint fumes had made her go blind.

That is all.
(superkitty is neither super nor a kitty, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 12:18, 1 reply)

I once wrote a tale for the Stupid Colleagues QOTW as I felt an ex colleague's belief all gay people were paedophiles was relevant.
Here

I got a lovely response from a gay couple calling me a whiney liberal shite, trying to be his fag hag.
( Peej, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 12:11, 17 replies)

How do people in Japan live on plates? (edit: Was a question my child once asked me.)
I guess a 5 year old overhears "Japanese trench" and "tectonic plates" and does the best they can with the information.

Another thing my child asked was "Why does the moon change shape?" This has been the best questions thus far.

I can see why people say Jesus did it. It stops a lot of why? why? why? why? why? questions.

Edit: it's a shame the talk board bled over into this section.
(waxdart hello., Fri 13 Dec 2013, 11:47, 19 replies)

Plagarism
I went to a Motorhead gig and someone shouted "sexist crap."

They thought it was a request.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 10:58, 1 reply)

OCD (not being "overly tidy" as some people think)
When we met, she seemed like a demure, if a little shy, beautiful English Rose.

I moved in with her after dating for a few months, and things were going well.

Then the crazy started.

She started spending longer and longer getting ready to go out, or would be reluctant to make decisions about relatively minor events - picking up several jars of curry in the supermarket before choosing the "right" one - various other slightly offish behaviours which were rather minor to begin with and of no great note - until the breakdowns started. It got to the point where she would spend 3-4 hours in the bathroom washing her hands with detergent, and eventually bleach, because if she didn't, "bad things would happen". She would also be unable to open certain doors, have to move certain objects in the house, having to use crudely-fashioned litter pickers to pick things up.

She did eventually confess as to what was going on, that she felt certain "forces" were at work against her, and if she didn't obey the "rules" there would be consequences.

In retrospect I should have been fucking terrified, but she had done a rather good job of hiding these symptoms (that apparently she'd had from a young age) and by that point I was too emotionally invested to leave, so did my best to support her (for years) until the behaviour became too erratic.

The last straw was when she'd taken out one of those ridiculous 1000%apr payday loans of several hundred pounds that she had no hope of paying back (she had been unemployed for 3 years) to buy a fucktonne of meat for a barbeque for all her friends - two of whom showed up looking very embarassed and sheepish - I had to spend the remaineder of my student loan to pay off the debt, causing problems as I couldn't pay the rent on my halls. This was the same week I had to miss an exam at uni to take her to a job centre appointment, as she had missed the bus and was over an hour late. She ended up losing her job seeker's benefit. Oh and she was boffing a lad from her college. And she bought a wolf and refused to train it. A fucking wolf. Yep.

TL;DR Crazy girl believes she has magic powers, fucking muppet doesn't escape fast enough. Also the wolf was a cunt.
(brutal stack Raided the beeves of Apollo on, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 10:58, 23 replies)

I once saw a man go into a shop to buy four candles

( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 10:17, 11 replies)

Actually, you've got a point
"Look," I said to my daughter, "See that bright star moving up there? That's the Space Station".

"How can it be a station if it's moving?"

".....erm...."
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 9:06, 10 replies)

Why slot machines never work in your favor
Despite merciless flogging by the Laws of Chance, gamblers perceive the experience differently. My friend's misunderstanding is no different. For every slot machine on the casino floor, she maintains there is a doppelganger machine hidden in the ceiling above, manned by a casino employee whose job it is to fight your spins and keep you from becoming a millionaire.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 7:37, 1 reply)

When English and Logic Don't Mix
If you ever find yourself teaching English in the backwaters of China, talking to someone with Chinese state education level English, avoid questions with negatives. You'll only get to a point where you have to start again

"Mr Christ, will you please come with me, the Principal wants to see you"

"I'm not in trouble am I?"

"Yes"

(i.e. 'Yes, you are correct, you're not in trouble' - which, upon analysis, is a entirely logical response and I was wrong to spend seven minutes witless with the idea of being sacked and abandoned in remote China with neither the language skills nor the contacts to get myself & Mrs Christ back to a country that has mattresses and broadly consensual traffic rules.)

........................................
(J H Christ began in Afrika ka ka ka ka, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 0:53, 3 replies)

Better health for all
Very young sprog of a daughter standing at the sink cleaning her teeth. She pulls the brush out of her mouth, wand waves it at me and opines hydrophobically: "You know Da', if all the world's food were toothpaste, we wouldn't need dentists." ... Who was I to argue?
(shamblinthru Grasshopper! Next time use the potholders!, Thu 12 Dec 2013, 23:55, 2 replies)

DJing is a valid art form!

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 12 Dec 2013, 21:58, 5 replies)

Basically, if you're anti-racist you're being racist against white people and support child abuse.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 12 Dec 2013, 21:46, 1 reply)

I was just at this moment reading the comments board of an article on the use of GM "terminator" seeds in brazil that wasn't at all hysterical or illogical
Where can i start?

"Read this and tremble. What it means is that sterility could contaminate the crops of other farmers who have not bought into this crazy idea and whose crops would also then become sterile. This is a catastrophe being announced. STOP IT. STOP IT NOW."

A chilling warning of the environmental armageddon that awaits as sterility spreads over the globe. at least, spreads for one generation only as they're fucking sterile.

I could go on, but you can read them for youself. www.theguardian.com/global-development/2013/dec/12/brazil-gm-terminator-seed-technology-farmers?commentpage=3
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 12 Dec 2013, 21:44, 6 replies)