What Would Jesus Do?
This is more of a guide than a story book. it presents a series of difficult real life situations and ponders on how Jesus would handle them, thus allowing the ardent Christian to follow in the footsteps of the Risen Lord. It has helped me greatly. Here are just a few of the situations:

- You have picked up a hitchhiker who turns out to be an escaped psychopath intent on killing you and raping your dead body now that you have run out of petrol on a deserted country road. SOLUTION - Turn the other cheek. Mankind is sinful and the psycho will repent his crime when he sees how placidly you are coshed into oblivion. Your death will be his Life Everlasting.

- You have been kidnapped by Peruvian freedom fighters who plan to cut off parts of your body in a ransom bid. SOLUTION - cut off your own body parts and present them to the kidnappers with all humility. They will be struck with the depth of their sinfulness and repent, letting you go and apologising unreservedly to the government after turning themselves in. Their eventual execution will be their path to Everlasting Life.

- Your car won't start and it's full of petrol so it can't be an empty tank. SOLUTION - open the bonnet and check for loose wires or dodgy spark plugs. Check the battery. If these things don't work, call the AA.

- You have fallen in with a bad crowd who have been feeding you milkshakes laced with opium. Now you're off your tits every day and simply lie in a pool of your own drool as your new friends loot your house and run up bills on your credit card. SOLUTION - At times of despair, call to your Father Almighty and he will will rain down Justice on the heads of the sinful. This might take some time, probably until Judgement Day, so you'll have to be patient.

- Your new puppy has shat all over your £200 a-square-yard Axminster carpet and then fallen asleep in the washing machine just before you put on a 60 degree wash. SOLUTION - Let it drown and good riddance. There's nothing in the Bible about animals having souls.

- You have failed all your GCSEs because you were sky high on solvents and did no revision. Now your dad says he's signed you up for the military academy and you're about to spend the next 14 weeks being screamed at by a guy with a crew cut. SOLUTION - Stigmata. The Second Coming is due any time soon and it might as well be now. Avoid that harsh military regime and go to the Catholics - they'll believe any old miracle and you'll be cosying up to the local cardinal before you can say "2000-year-old-fantasy".
(frankspencer, Wed 21 May 2008, 9:46, Reply)