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This is a question Booze Related Disasters

We want to know about your worst experiences with alcohol. Woken up in bed with your mum? Stole a donkey? Shat yourself in Harvester? Funniest stories will be used on B3ta Radio and also preserved by the magic of the web on this very site.

(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 2:28)
Pages: Popular, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

have recalled a time
while in final year of university - a friend and i decided that a first and last night out in the union was a good idea.

having spent the evening eating speed and drinking enormous amounts of cider, i was very much worse for wear. While queueing for a pint, a guy barged past me and stood at the bar in front of me. Reasonably, I questioned him: "what the fuck are you doing, you cunt?" and gave him a shove.

Imagine my shame when I noticed his white stick and the looks of horror from everyone. gah.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 13:59, Reply)
it was a normal night... a night like any other...
i was in a club. the gloucester in brighton.

some goody song came on and so i joined floor for a mosh.

and we jumped up! and down.

and up! and down.

and i jump UP! then get knocked down by some munter hunter dislocating my knee and everyone fell onto me making sure that my knee stayed dislocated. properly.

...and then they all trod on my leg a few times whilst they attempted to get up.

cheers.


so anyway.. i get onto my foot, eventually, and hop over to some corner to nurse myself.

the pain is hooj. i hop to the bar and order double vodkas and orange two at a time to stifle it.

i got very drunk. the pain didn't go away. - i did hook up with some chick whilst sitting on the floor.

can't remember much about that though. lifes a bitch ain't it?


anyway.. 2 am and my mates just think i cant walk cos im drunk. so they DRAG me to a party 2 miles away (which wasn't even happening) forcing me to suedo walk and completely ignoring my protesting the fact i could not do so.
finally they let me rest and i pulled my trousers up (big flares) to expose this:




they called an ambulance, but not before one of my 'mates'had stolen my mobile fone from my trouser pocket (WHILST I WAS WEARING MY TROUSERS).

i remained off work and bed bound for 5 weeks. and the bruising was still visible FOUR MONTHS later.

the moral? don't let the buggers get you down. and if they do... get up before they all fall on you!
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 12:52, Reply)
Oh me, oh my
I'm sure you all remember the North American Eastern seaboard being in a total blackout last august. well, my friend and I assumed that the world was ending so, we should drink untill we don't care. He has a bottle of tequila, rum, gin, sambucca, and i belive there was whisky involved. At any rate, we sat in the dark, with candles drinking continuously for about 20 hours. At this point, we decided we needed to defend ourselfs against looters, so we barracaded ourselves in the basement for 3 days, untill i turned on a lamp we found in storage, and realized the power had been on for two days.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 4:16, Reply)
The last time I was proper fucked...
It was Halloween 2003- I was wearing an Early Learning Centre policeman's uniform, that made me look like Robocop's soft-lad brother. It was at about 4 am that we started releasing the helium balloons with my police notepaper containing notes such as "Help! I'm trapped in a balloon factory!" and various other words of wisdom.

I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise to whoever found the one marked simply "Congratulations- you are a cunt!"
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 14:31, Reply)
After a heavy night on the beers
I got in my car and drove home. Being completely shitfaced, I failed to notice the two pedestrians crossing the road, and *KERBLAM* I slammed straight into them. One of them was killed instantly, the other was paralysed from the neck down. Still, you've gotta laugh, eh?
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 12:20, Reply)
i shagged a REALLY fat bird on my 20th Birthday.
Thing is.. she wasnt fat when i went to bed...

I woke up in the morning and rolled over and she looked at me and said.. "yep you shagged a fat bird".

Jesus.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:56, Reply)
mixed way to many drinks one night.......
spewed in my girlfriends parents conservatory then was ushered into the bathroom to continue my heaving activities.
Whilst driving the porcelain bus I decided to kneel down as by legs had a mind of their own. I was leaning over the loo when I slipped and got my head stuck between the toilet bowl and the wall, my legs were tucked underneath me so I was unable to move, I called for help but no one turned up for 15 minutes. When help did arrive my so called friends called everyone over to have a look. I was dragged out once everyone had stopped laughing and after one mate decided to use the loo whilst I was stuck!
ooooh bugger!
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 9:14, Reply)
i wet the bed
over the bird i had just pulled. It was also her bed.

she was french though, so it all worked out really.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:32, Reply)
My Worst night on Alcohol
The actual night is only vague in my memory.
My night began fine, the usual drinks with a few mates. But then we discovered the Jelly Shots and other types of shots.
The events which followed are hazy, and are made up of slight memories and stories told by other people.
Apparently i chatted up the barmaid in the hogshead, and kept buying her drinks.
after a while we decided to leave, and make our way to the pub i worked at, which will remain nameless. Upon reaching there, a few of us attempted to leapfrog a postbox, cracking our nuts in the process (discovered groinal bruising in the morning). When reaching the bar, me and a friend then proceeded to lick the front window of the bar, whilst customers were inside. After entering the bar, i approached one of the barmaids i worked with and said 'In my pocket, i've got some ribbed condoms and a fiver, lets go have a good time'.
I then downed other peoples drinks who i didnt know. discovered they left the kitchen doors open, stole some chicken wraps, and made my way to the bus station.
after that, nothing.
the next thing i know is that i got woken up by my dad asking if i was ok.
apparently i was hugging the toilet bowl saying 'you're my friend aintcha, i love you.'

Never again have i been that drunk.

altho, when i did finally wake up in the morning, i was in my bed. and next to me was a Flashing Amber roadworks beacon.

where from? who knows
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 2:54, Reply)
One new years eve, I got incredibly drunk
and fell asleep with my leg on a radiator pipe.
I awoke with third degree burns.
I rock.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 2:52, Reply)
A few years back
I was at a real "Yellow Pages" party - you know the kind... "Hello... French Polishers... it's possible you could just save my life..."

Well myself and my friend (fellow b3tan Bitchpapa) wanted to do something mischievous to the house, but being nice people we didn't want to permanently damage anything.

We finally decided to gather every cuddly toy in the house (there were a lot) and arranged them very tastefully in a tree in the back garden.

While in the garden, we then noticed lots of rocks obviously intented for a new rockery, so we arranged them in a perfect scale model of Stonehenge (well as close to perfect as our drunken minds could manage). We completed the scene with the sacrifice of one particular cuddy toy from the tree (ketchup may have been involved).

If only all the party go-ers had been as considerate as us - when I went back in to use the lavatory, I found a small tree had been planted in it.

Fucking students... eh?
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 2:50, Reply)
Some guys in my kitchen at uni had been drinking....
And when they got back, we decided it would be fun to create a new religion based around worshipping a guy from the next kitchen. So firstly we built an effigy of him out of butter.

Then we decided to break away from the UK and create out own Utopia. So we fortified half of the kitchen using tables and chairs. Then we ate a load of food from people's cuprboards - aided by a small fire we lit, which was a pizza box. This went on for a while, we even devised a national anthem, and 'bloodened' outselves with Bovril. Eventually we got bored and left, leaving our fortified kitchen, with the remains of a small fire on the floor, for the early risers to enjoy (who had just spent the previous day cleaning the kitchen).

And that was just 2 days ago...
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 2:41, Reply)
whoops
one night after an exceedingly heavy drinking session i was wandering with my mate through a cemetary when suddenly a voice called something along the lines of "oi you, do you want a fight" being drunken i fumbled for words and failed miserably to stop the onslaught.... i can't remember much for a while after that only thing i can remember is waking up and having the silhouette of a gravestone above my head.... "argh i'm dead" i believe was my exact statement, after about half an hour of not seeing anyone (it was 3 in the morning) i assumed i really was dead, and set about becoming a poltergheist, i ran round for about half an hour looking for a victim to sneak up on and tap there shoulders.... finally i found my victim, running up behind them i pounced and tapped them lightly on the shoulder. "who the heck are you?" they replied... realising i wasn't dead i kind of had a huge sense of happiness and merrily skipped down the road... needless to say i had a headache the next 24 hours
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 2:40, Reply)
hitting the heights
A group of friends decided to go swimming, meeting in the pub first, of course. No food and six pints later, we arrived at the Bon Accord baths in Aberdeen. Full of dutch courage, I decided to leap off of the (very high) top diving board for the first time in my life. Screaming "Geronimo" at the top of my voice I hit the water at about 150 miles an hour with my gob still wide open. I surfaced minus every filling in my mouth and two front teeth. What a laff.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 13:10, Reply)
bed wetting - top bunk
18 years old, coming back from a very heavy session of larger. My twin borther and I still had to share a bedroom, so I climbed on to the top bunk and fell in to a drink coma/sleep, only to be woken up sometime later by my twin, because I had wet myself in my sleep. My urine had seeped through the matress and started to drip on my brothers face...
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 11:14, Reply)
my student flatmates stole a park bench from an old peoples home
Myself and another freind thought this was a bit rude, so after they had repainted it and cleaned it up, we took it back to the old peoples home in the middle of the night.

They must have been rather freaked out.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:55, Reply)
Went on a stag week end to Blackpool.
Started on pints, moved onto shorts, was then informed that champagne was the best tipple of a night out. Decided to mix with a pill for good measure. Got lairy, lost my ticket for my coat, screaming at the cloakroom attendant. Bouncer starts up. I feel at this point i should state that i am a gentle giant who normally just looks like a mean bastard, and never ever get violent. I decked him, ran away from the following crowd of bouncers, fell down the stairs denting my leg. Ended up lost big time mid hallucination that i was actually in just a slightly redecorated Gloucester. Ended up dodging trains on a train track, trying to break into houses to get warm, and failing miserably. Wound up in a factory of some kind mid Game-of-Syphon-Filter (Playstation game) Trip. i annoyed some blokes obviously on the end of a long shift. Who chased me. With Sticks. Ran away, got caught by a couple, got hurt, got a stick off one and somehow either beat them or scared the fuck out of them with the now pulsating dents on my body. Continued to run through a scrapyard being followed by an alsation. Got loster. Left the most pathetic "help i'm lost and hurt" call to my brother's phone, got a cab to a b&b i had no clue as to it's location and had to aim him back from the tower until the money ran out. Found the B&B, led down, got woken up immediately, had a breakfast and was then told we were going to the pleaseure beach and would walk to wake us up a bit. My leg was bruised to 1 1/2 times it's normal size, and basically crawled along the front until passing out and having to go back to the b&b and stayed unconscious until the 4 hour train journey home.

I have'nt drunk champagne since.

or ventured to blackpool.

And i still can't go out with my mates without being played back the phone message.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 8:22, Reply)
When I worked in the city
myself and some coworkers went for beers after work, we'd gone from pub to pub to for serveral hours, until we ended up in some large pub in central London.
I banged into a tranny that I'd met on a previous drinking session, who asked me if I fancied a quick smoke, which sounded like a good idea.
We nipped into the loos, when to my surprise (s)he produced a crack pipe, it seemed to late to back out at that point, so I thought it’d be churlish to refuse.
It all gets a bit hazy now, but we snogged in the loo and then we ended up in her/his flat in Kings Cross. She was just doing up another pipe, when she mentioned that it wasn’t so much her flat as a squat, at which point the Police drug busted the place.
I managed to escape down a rear fire escape.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 8:08, Reply)
When I was in university, I visited Oxford on vacation.
The owner of the hotel where I stayed invited me to the 21st birthday party being held for her son the night I arrived. I went and got along, shall we say, very well with the son. So well that we ended up in his room, which was two floors above mine at the hotel. Some time in the middle of the night I woke up a great deal more sober than I'd fallen asleep, realized with horror what I'd done and decided I needed to flee to my room immediately. A quick look around didn't reveal the whereabouts of my clothes, so in my less-drunk-than-before-but-still-pretty-damn-drunk state, I decided to walk to my room without them. Off I went, stark naked, down the only stairway. On the way, I ran into two couples walking up to their rooms and, feeling that in the absence of clothes my composure was all I had, I nodded courteously as if this were the most normal thing in the world. I've returned to England many times since then, but have avoided Oxford ...
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 3:22, Reply)
Double Whammy
On my graduation night from a design porfolio course I set about drinking with unusual vigour. Perhaps it was the ladies I was subconciously trying to impress or was it the raging testosterone betwixt the lads that was the root of it.
Anyways, serveral pints and tequila combos later I decided to sink a pint in one to lossen the knickers on a particularly foxy lady. What girl wouldn't be impress with such an act. 4 seconds, it was gone. One more just to prove the point. A third? Why not, eh!
I remeber going to the toilets. I dont remeber falling asleep, I vaguely remebered being bundle into the back of a cab with my teachers watching on in abject disgust. i remember the bastard cabbie kicking me out as soon as I got around the corner. Somehow I made the journey home, incredible as I did it on my hands and knees.
No time to take off clothes, into bed. Ahhhh.
An indeterminate amount of time later I woke up with a start. It hadn't happened in yea on 15 years, but I instantly recognised the heavy load weighing down my pants. Slightly more sober now I got up removed the offending articles a tossed them out the window. I took a shower a washed the turds off me, so of which had defied the laws of nature and ended up on my back and shoulders. After these terribly unpleasant ablutions and a change of sheets I hopped back into the sack. I drifted into an uneasy sleep.....
I awoke a hour or so later. Something was wrong. Surely not. I pulled back the top sheet to reveal a pool of urine with me in the middle of it.
I have no shame in saying I wept openly. It was horrific.
I got up a spent the next few days trying to purge the episode from my brain. I was almost recovered when a few days later my irate neighbour arrived asking me if I was the owner of the feces laden slacks on his shed roof.
The shame.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 15:05, Reply)
Oh shit!
Me and a friend went out on the lash to a club near where she lives. At the end of the night we were both pretty worse for wear but suprisingly my mate managed to pull. We all went back to hers and had a few more drinks before deciding to go to bed.
She came into my room in the morning to wake me on her way to get a drink leaving her new bloke upstairs. I was still very worse for wear and still half asleep when she woke me and I proceeded to tell her about a very weird dream that I'd had in which I had shit in her kitchen sink downstairs. Startled by what I'd said I got up and followed her downstairs to get a drink for myself as well.
She put her hand in the kitchen sink bowl which was full of water and dirty dishes to rinse of a few glasses when she jumped back and screamed. Her scream was followed by an almighty smell of shit wafting through her kitchen and I realised that my dream wasn't a dream at all! I grabbed the bowl and ran upstairs to the bathroom where I was going to empty it when I ran into her bloke - who was coming down to see why my friend was screaming - emptying the contents of the bowl all over him and the carpet. After cleaning up the mess I apologised and made a swift exit.
The look of disgust on her face and the memory of this incident will haunt me for life. Needless to say we don't keep in touch anymore......!
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 13:55, Reply)
Two of my mates are brothers. In the familial sense.
Well, these lads are confirmed hard-core metal-heads. No womanly influence on their little plot of land for over three years. For sheer filth (dirt), and pornography, unbeatable. They keep snakes - non-poisonous ones, as a rule - as pets.

Right. Party. Get rat-arsed. I seem to recall whiskey, but I'm not a reliable witness, as you will find out.

At some stage I stagger around, making a vehement point, bottle in air, and sit down without looking. Miss the chair and sat down on a snake-tank. That broke into shards and cut a deep gash into my arse. I'm told I sat back even further and kept on ranting away, as if I'm on a comfy somfa and not sharded glass justing upwards.

To everyone's concerned 'Are you alright' I go, 'Yeah, of course, give me more beer', or something similar.

When I finally end up home three hours later, I jump into the shower, and notice the amount of blood gushing out of my back-side resembles the Niagare falls. And the cut is deep.

End up in emergency room, laying with me arse in the air. Additional fun was had when first a patch of arse-hair/fur had to be shaven off to get stitches and bandages on. This at three on a Sunday morning. Doctor looked fairly bemused. Pumped me full of all sorts of antibiotics and things.

Funnily enough, I didn't get bit by the tanks occupant.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 12:56, Reply)
After attending a client's Christmas party in London
I headed back to the hotel very pissed indeed, got into the room, got the kit off and hit the sack almost at the point of unconsciousness.

I suddenly awoke stone-cold sober, finding myself stood upright in the lift, stark naked, with the lift descending to the lobby. It was a glass lift too.

The doors opened and I leapt out and hid behind a big plant. Only the night porter was there. I shouted "Get me a f**king key for room 303 now and don't ask any questions." The startled man quickly got a key and slid it along the floor to me. I grabbed the keys and went bacl into the lift with only the tiniest of door opening devices to protect my dignity.

I got back into the room, locked the door and put a chair up against it. I lay on the bed and fell asleep straight away.

The next morning when I checked out, they asked me if I'd had a nice stay. I said they should do something about the lift.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 12:14, Reply)
Sure: I can handle my drink.
I was working in an office in Leeds when I let it slip, rather foolishly, that it was my birthday coming up. The entire office decided to pitch in and buy me a drink at lunch. Me being the polite type, I felt it rather unseemly to turn down free vodka. The problem was that it was coming a bit thicker and faster than I originally envisaged, and I rapidly succumbed to the scourge of the binge drinker: losing count.

After a while, the pub began to sway, and I began to panic. I realised that there was no way I could either clear the EU drink mountain in front of me or return to work and conduct myself in a manner appropriate to a major Mutual Life Insurance Company from East Anglia (even taking account of the fact that it was a Friday). So I pulled my jacket on and legged it for the station.

Problem. I couldn't find my season ticket and I was too drunk to count money. I couldn't even find my pockets. What I didn't know was that I was wearing my jacket upside down. So I sat down on the plastic seating in the concourse and wilted with my head propped in my hands. I got a bit self conscious after a while when I heard a child ask "Daddy, why is that man dribbling?" ("Come away, Thomas, he's trying to sleep..."). So I got up and walked outside. Where I slumped down. I got a bit comfy for a few minutes and then decided to go back to work. It was now 10 to four in the afternoon, and I'd been asleep for the best part of two hours on the pavement outside.

I got back to work and announced my arrival with "Right! Who's going out then?" On being told a) that there was an hour to kick off and b) that there was a senior manager in the building, I was clocked in and shut in the store cupboard, where I proceeded to amuse myself by singing absent-minded selections from Camberwick Green ("Windy Miller, Windy Miller/Sharper than a thorn.../Like a yumpty-tumpty-tumpty/when he hmmm-di-corn....").

I ended up going out until 10:30 when I finally admitted defeat and left the pub to a standing ovation.

So: that's that. I was going to tell you lot instead about the time I went to the pub after work, met an old acquaintance, drank far too much Guinness and catastrophically shat myself on the way home. I rang for help and a lift home.

When I got back to the house it turned out my other half, caught rushing out in a flap, had told them I'd fallen and injured my leg. So a neighbour came out and offered help. I sat in the car petrified and she made some load of bollocks up about me being very "proud and self reliant..." and it being best to let me get out of the car in my own time. Of course when I got out he came out again anyway; so I backed away from him covered in my own filth and bolted into the house, much to his utter puzzlement.

But that will wait for another time, don't you think?

Oh, and a bit of advice. Never fall asleep with your keks around your ankles in one of those 20p-a-pop Superloos. The door opens after 15 minutes, y'see: and half of Grantham gets a gleg at yer nads.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 11:29, Reply)
boots pukebag...
One night I was seriously drunk on peach schnapps in ibiza. A friend helped me back to the apartment, and i managed to stagger to my bed. So i sat on the edge of the bed, leaned my forehead against the wall... picked up a boots carrier bag off the floor and put the handles over my ears like a horses feedbag.

For the next few hours i slept / puked / slept / puked etc. Then some point in the early morning I woke up with a large bag of puke around my face, and a huge red circle on my forehead where I had been leaning against the wall for the last 5 hours.

Nice.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:49, Reply)
Joys of growing up part 2
I was living in prague and had a great flat just off wenceslas square. One evening at about 3 am after a few too many absinths (as you do) i came home to find that the building entry key isnt working (it had been a bit dodgy for a while) anymore. I try everything to open this lock, to no avail. SO i try rousing the other residents of the apartment block. to no avail despite shouting,screaming,ringing doorbells,etc.. So i think - what now ?

The stroke of genius I had at this point was to remember the building being refurbished on the other side of the block that I live in, I think - I can sneak through the nuilding site and go through the beer garden, up the fire escape and in through a window of my flat that I know is open.

Great - so I walk round the block to the site, and in a barely capable of standing up condition, seeing double,etc proceed to find my way through a maze of rusty metal, bricks, broken wood, scaffolding poles, etc etc with nothing but my trusty zippo lighter to see by. I made a lot of noise and by the time I had got through the site a guard dog in a neighbouring yard was going mental.

My beer garden at the back of my block is 2 levels higher than the back of this site, so I have to climb up scaffolding, without a ladder, then across the scaffolding to get to my yard. No sooner have i left the ground than the dog manages to free itself and is now below me on the building site jumping up and generally trying to eat me. I think fuck, what now - I cant go back (unless I kill the dog).. damn. I hope my window is open. So i continue clambering up and across the scaffolding.

Then I notice a subtle blue flashing reflecting off the surrounding walls. erm.. oh no. its the czech police, obviously checking up on the vandals/burglars messing around on the building site. I climb a bit faster, nearly slip. I can see a torch being used to navigate the inside of the site. I can see 2 torches. I can see a policeman with a gun. at this point adrenalin kicked in big time and im sure i ran up the scaffold spiderman stylee, up and over an 8 foot wall, up the fire escape (to the 3rd floor), in through a window and hiding in the corner of my apartment with a heart beating 5 times as fast as gabba.

I couldnt sleep for about 3 hours. but i never got caught. or died. got a tetanus shot though.
sorry for length.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:39, Reply)
vomitimng cripple
thats me of course got a Disability cheque through went out to celerbrate with a night of drinking drank 20 shots of aftershock in a pint glass half a bottle of champagne and then redecorated the bathroom of Club Earth
luckiliy no one saw me untill i decided the dance floor looked a little drab. the bouncers were not happy with having to lift a guy in a wheelchair who was spray panting there club with fizzy red jam vomit. And where were my loyal freinds at this time well they thought leave him and melted into the crowd saying "i dont know who he is" bastards
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 9:52, Reply)
Once after finishing exams me and a load of mates went out to celebrate and got very wasted
on the way home there was a wall we could jump over to shorten the journey by a couple of minutes so we decided to go for it. I couldnt get a very good run up as there was brambles and general foliage around (and being drunk didnt help either) so I ran up and jumped at the wall.
What i didnt see sticking out of the wall was an old metal thing which used to hold the barbed wire which used to run along along the top of the wall which had now just been snapped off and left there. I managed to jump straight up against this and carving a massive gash running from the bottom of my rib cage towards my crotch and stopping less than an inch away from slicing my favorite body part off (or at least in 2)

This was nearly 3 years ago and the scar is still huge
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 9:20, Reply)
It wasn't me, but...
I was in a bar with friends when in college in Upstate NY. While waiting at the bar to catch the bartender's eye I was watching a guy I half knew trying his damndest to impress a girl. I knew that he was drunk, but I didn't know how drunk until he got this odd expression, then barfed directly into the girl's face. Not just in front of her, mind you, but on her face.

The poor bastard probably never got laid again.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 8:41, Reply)
And a funny one was the time my mate was drunk and skint.
Bet him £20 he wouldn't shag the resident big fat girl who had tagged along with our group.

He was very drunk and so couldn't resist.
We game him a condom for his protection, and he pulled her in about 10 seconds. I wasn't letting him lie about the bet so followed him home and waited outside his house. He had lost the condom and been sick. He saw her naked and tried chickening out, saying with no condom it was too risky. She was having none of it and basically shagged his drunken form until he passed out with me pissing myself laughing at the screams and whimpers and retching going on.

He was a subdued man for several days and would whimper "it was like sticking it in a suitcase, a suitcase." i paid him up gladly.

if only i had had a tape recorder.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 8:34, Reply)

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