Back when it was possible to recognise the bits under the bonnet of a car...
Late one night driving through Basildon in my old 850 Mini, I was obviously keen to get home. You could see the car fires in the distance all around, and I didn’t want to add to the usual festivities of the area.

Going up a slight hill I had my foot flat down to ensure I’d actually see the peak before dawn broke. Sure enough, at a magnificent 50mph I reached the top, and was greeted with the sight of a nice 500 yard slope down to a roundabout and then the freedom of the A127 and my exit route.

Surprisingly my trusty old David Vizard-inspired engine was picking up a nice bit of speed and I got to the giddy heights of around 80mph before I decided that the feeble drum brakes should start doing their thing before I got to the small tree-covered roundabout.

Unfortunately as soon as I pressed the clutch in I heard BOLLOCKS! BOLLOCKS! BOLLOCKS! from the engine as it hit about 9000rpm. The throttle cable had worn and gotten stuck in the sleeve at full throttle. Back in gear and braking hard I was still accelerating. I didn’t want to turn the engine off as the steering lock would have negated any chance of negotiating the junction (and surviving) and leaving it out of gear would blow my engine up. Thank God for legendary Mini handling, I just managed to make the left then right corner before I turned the engine off and coasted to a stop on the other side.

Thankfully my bloodstream was full of adrenaline, so I could get out, swap the choke cable for the throttle cable (to accelerate with my left hand) and get back on my way before the chavs started creeping out of the darkness...
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 14:24, 11 replies)

It's a little-known fact
that the events described in 28 Days Later constitute an average weekend in Basildon.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 14:31, closed)

The film just had less Burberry
And in Basildon you can hear the hoards approaching, through the jangling of the "Elizabeth Duke at Argos" jewelry.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 14:46, closed)

and they can easily be seen
due to the fluorescent orange fake tans.
( uncle bastard is twanging a dan moi, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 15:19, closed)

You get a click....
... For mentioning Mr Vizard - a long-neglected tuning genius. I used his advice when tuning several Ford Kent units to waaaay beyond their design parameters.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 17:01, closed)

Many an hour spent shaving bits off metal and plastic on his advice
I think I spent more time blueprinting engines than I did actually driving them though.

Those were the days...
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Wed 10 Jul 2013, 6:59, closed)

I've been in a car.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 17:46, closed)

Apparently someone in this thread call uncle bastard has me on ignore.
I've never even heard of them.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 21:46, closed)

Bastard

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 9 Jul 2013, 22:33, closed)

He's well lol. You're missing out. Honest.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 10 Jul 2013, 8:17, closed)

Maybe
they've just read some of the shit that you've dribbled and made their own minds up.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 10 Jul 2013, 8:30, closed)

You know me...
...I shagged a bird from Basildon once. Fuck she was ugly.
(Colonel Blink is now officially a pretentious prick, Wed 10 Jul 2013, 20:56, closed)