When I'm drunk
I tend to turn on my PC when I get home. Now if I'm barely-able-to-stand-up, projectile vomitting style drunk, I'm usually safe as I can't get past the login screen. When I'm slightly tipsy drunk I'm not too bad as I still have enough sense not to send or post anything too damaging. However, when I'm 8 pints on an empty stomach pissed I'm a dangerous animal and my own worst enemy.

You know that feeling when you wake up in the morning with a raging hangover and you're slowly starting to piece the world back together again? What happened last night, how did I get home, what did I... and then there it is. The recollection of exactly what you did last night. Added to the splitting headache and delicate stomach you now have twisting knots of nausea and self loathing.

Why, why, why, did I spend an hour writing an email at 01:00 and click send?

After sending this particular mail I literally couldn't bring myself to check my email for an entire week. I missed trips to the cinema/pub/gigs etc. and was accused of rudely ignoring people but I couldn't admit to anyone what I'd done. So for ultimate catharthis I'll confess to the world instead... *sigh*

I rather like the cheeky, cute, pint sized, elvish stand-up comedienne Lucy Porter. So much so I turn up to her shows early to get a seat on the front row hoping for interaction instead of my usual hiding a good few rows back in obscure safety. Once when I was randomly in Edinburgh I ended up going to see her Fringe show on my own (and queued behind Toby the serial killer from Hollyoakes - two celebrity stories for the price of one here!) The last time she came to Cambridge I went along to see her with a female friend L and was keen to try and get some audience participation with her.

And thankfully I didn't have to try too hard, Ms Porter had arranged a music quiz as part of her show. I know every song ever in the entire history of music so thought I'm well in with a shout here. Feeling not very nervous owing to my several pints of Dutch courage the opening bars of Gold by The Sugarcubes started playing throughout the hall and I was shocked to find my hand was the only one raised.

"Sugarcubes. Erm, Gold."

"That's right! Come up on stage and choose a prize."

"That gold beer thingy."

Tiny bit of chat and I was back in my chair feeling all giddy, happily drinking my godawful tin of tramp strength beer. My mate L and I managed to have a few words with her after the show and give her directions out of Cambridge (no mean feat). I continued drinking my way through town slowly working homeward.

It's at this point when I stupidly remember how Lucy kindly offered all us punters the chance to contact her for free tickets to pre-Fringe shows. Contact her by email that is. I fired up the PC, composed the following, spell checked it to fuck and hit send before stumbling upstairs for some well deserved shuteye.


From: me
To: Lucy Porter
Subject: thank you for the gold label
---
I very much enjoyed the can of barley wine as it helped me on my journey to the destination I finally arrived at - home, and merrily pissed. I hope you also made it home safe due to, or even in spite of, mine and L's directions.

I'm myname, the long haired bloke who liked The Sugarcubes, Neil Young, Shed Seven and music quizzes in general. If you ever feel like hosting another in Cambridge let me know and I'll be sure to attend.

Attached is a picture not of a trophy cabinet but my living room windowsill. From left to right it contains: a limited edition bottle of Kahlua, The Big Lebowski is my favourite film and I'm more than a bit partial to a White Russian or seven; a strange one-off trophy given to me by my parents of an apple carved from wood which is a bit of a family in-joke (it's a long story); the very lovely, if slightly difficult to drink, tin of barley wine I was generously awarded this evening; and finally Gerald, my sunshine buddy.

I imagine that being as you are a famous person there is a significant amount of asynchronicity regarding the information known about you. To balance this out - if you're interested in the slightest that is - I post answers to b3ta's Question Of The Week (http://www.b3ta.com/questions/ - the Best Of page to the previous weeks questions is 24 carat comedy *ahem* gold ;)

This website which is a favourite of sick minded London commuters has this section whereby people are invited to post their amusing tales to random weekly questions. My most popular answers can be found here, www.b3ta.com/users/profile.php?id=30288. If you do a search on this page for "Gerald" you can find the story behind my little green sunshine buddy who now sits next to an empty can of high strength Gold Label.

So thank you Ms Porter for a most entertaining evening. I saw your Fringe show about Love in Edinburgh a couple of years back. I saw it again when you played the Junction in Cambridge. Of course by then the conclusion of the show was a little more bitter sweet as you were no longer with the man who you wooed so successfully with your nurse's outfit. I'd like to point out now that, as the only prize winning bloke whose relationship status was not questioned, I am very much single. If you're at all interested in changing this state of affairs feel free to email back and I will whisk you off your feet in a blaze of romantic whisking.

Or is this the kind of thing you get from internet based weirdos every week and you're sick to the back teeth of it?

myname
---

When I finally logged back into my email I was relieved to find no reply. However, if anyone has seen her standup routine since this summer can they confirm that it doesn't contain any material based on me and my ultra cool chat up technique?
( djtrialprice, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 15:54, 19 replies)

Brilliant!
"...I'd like to point out now that, as the only prize winning bloke whose relationship status was not questioned, I am very much single. If you're at all interested in changing this state of affairs feel free to email back and I will whisk you off your feet in a blaze of romantic whisking."

Much awesomeness.

EDIT

*clicks*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 9 Oct 2009, 16:00, closed)

the current g/f is the first in about ten years
who I met and got to know without the use of the internet. It's definitely the way I shall be proceeding in future.

EDIT whythangyou good sir
( djtrialprice, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 16:02, closed)

*click*
That's not half as bad as you built it up to be and if I was a woman, I might even be flattered to receive should a wittily constructed and tender proposal.

rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 16:21, closed)

perhaps
but I still cringe when I think about it. Cheers mate.
( djtrialprice, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 16:30, closed)

I think that's lovely!
She should have contacted you.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 16:52, closed)

she should have
shouldn't she? Curse her, the stupid comedian person.
( djtrialprice, Sat 10 Oct 2009, 4:21, closed)

Sadly
That is not a patch on my embarassing drunken e-mails......
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 17:23, closed)

C'mon
You've got to give examples then
( djtrialprice, Sat 10 Oct 2009, 4:19, closed)

Legendary
absolutely brilliant!
(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 18:49, closed)

thank you sir
you know I'd give you one any day
( djtrialprice, Sat 10 Oct 2009, 4:13, closed)

I saw her show....
.....a few months back. It was hilarious. Rest assured, tho, she didn't mention you.

But there was a stalker in the font row (it was the second night) who actually finished a couple of her jokes for her, the fucking wierdo.

So she probably is a bit wary of odd men tbh.
(El Fandango carved a big EF onto his nemesis' doublet on .., Fri 9 Oct 2009, 22:18, closed)

I'm pleased to hear
there are weirder people than me giving her hassle and grief
( djtrialprice, Sat 10 Oct 2009, 4:14, closed)

So that's why you cut your hair off!
I did wonder. *clicks*
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sat 10 Oct 2009, 0:27, closed)

It was nothing to do with her
My hair disappeared for entirely different reasons. I'd also give a much more grovelling and hopefully witty email for increased attention from you my dearest Miss Letters :P
( djtrialprice, Sat 10 Oct 2009, 4:18, closed)

^this^
is exactly what I'm talking about. It was posted after I came back from a club absolutely wasted out of my head.
( djtrialprice, Sat 10 Oct 2009, 10:44, closed)

FOR CRYING OUT FUCKING LOUD.

( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Sat 10 Oct 2009, 21:59, closed)

*clicks*
At least you didn't admit a rather embarassing fact to a (thankfully) half full comedy club and Brendon Burns in order for him to find out the new lady friend of the compere. I forgot about it until I checked the DVD I took for him to sign and couldn't work out why he'd put 'Don't pass out' on it. I, too, live in fear that it might be used in some of his future routines.

My only excuse is the bottle and a half of dodgy vino rouge I'd demolished whilst the previous acts were on.....
(ninja chinchilla, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 21:39, closed)

mmMMMMmmm
Lucy.

Yum.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 12 Oct 2009, 16:16, closed)

Excellent tale
and thank you for putting the image of Lucy Porter in a nurse's outfit in my head. I think my desk is starting to levitate...

*click*
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 14:27, closed)