Laughing footballers
Many years ago, when I still lived with my parents, we lived across the road from a rather well known premiership footballer. My folks are still there now, but he's now retired and moved back to London. We got to know him quite well over the few years he lived there.

It's a lovely place with a leafy private road and is always pretty quiet. He would often have other players over, and it was nice to see all the great cars outside on the road.

This one day in particular, he was out chatting to some other well known players, all stood around their flashy cars. I was also outside and had noticed them.

Being one of three brothers, there were always footballs lying around the place, and there just so happened to be one on our front garden, a little way back from the garage door.

A brilliant plan hit me, i'd run up and 'bend it like Beckham' into the top corner of the garage door. The guys would see this and of course i'd be having trials at the club in no time.

Things couldn't have been different.

Rather than take a few steps and kick the ball, I sprinted at the ball as fast as I could, ready to smash it through the garage door to a round of applause from my audience.

As I was just appraoching the ball, I took my eye off it to check I was being watched. Unfortunately I was, and unfortunately due to the last second loss of eye contact with the ball, I missed it. By a fooking country mile.

My leg swung in the air infront of me and panic instantly took over. The force of my kick not hitting the ball lifted and rotated me in the air, leaving me to land down hard on my arse.

The sound of grown men laughing so hard they can hardly catch their breath is quite something. I think I even heard one of them say they thought they might be sick they were in such hysterics.

My pride was in tatters, and my arse was sore from landing on the block paving. The only thing I could do was get up, and shout at them all to f*ck off. Which I did and then ran away as fast as I could.

Did I mention that I was about 17 at the time(!), and will always remember this as one of the wost experiences of my life.....

Oh the shame....
(big perm is no good with them there 'puters, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 16:37, 3 replies)

*Sympathy click*
My moneys on Jamie Redknapp and friends
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 17:01, closed)

Quality.
I harboured secret hopes of playing for Scotland until I was about 23. I know your pain.
(McChinaman banned, Sat 10 Oct 2009, 14:17, closed)

*clickage*
I wish real footballers would do that after missing a shot, or an own goal. "Fuck off!" *runs for dugout*
(The 2-Belo OH SHI--[Sound of impact][End of recording], Thu 15 Oct 2009, 7:29, closed)