Stephen Hawking
Not all that rude, not me, but still funny.

A few years ago at Oxford Uni, my housemate was given the task of looking after Stephen Hawking just before he was due to address the Union. Presented with the opportunity to speak with arguably the world's greatest living scientist, perhaps to learn something about the fabric of time and space from this genius, the only thing my mate could think of to ask him was:
"So, er... how fast does that chair go?"
Unfazed, Professor Hawking replied: "I'll show you!", floored it (if that's the right term) and zoomed off down the corridor.
( Biffins Bridge, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 16:26, Reply)

Whilst on a piss-up in the heavenly borough of Romford,
we were delighted to discover the radiant Martine McCutcheon ("sicknote" to her friends) was out with some friends in the same club as us. Unbeknownst to the rest of our group my friend approached her at the bar and started praising her singing and telling her how gorgeous she was. He then told her what big fans of hers all his friends were, and how shocked we'd all be if she came up to say hi and pretended to know him.

Well, she's a game girl Martine, because about half an hour later she popped over to our table, pointed at my mate, squealed, and started hugging him like a long lost friend. At this point he stood up and said "Look love, I've told you a thousand times, fuck off and leave me alone before I call the police."

Her face was a picture, I can tell you.
( supermoore: HUNG, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 17:12, Reply)

I lost my virginity in Camilla's house....
when i was younger i went to one of those posh brat balls, where loads of 15 year old posh totty gather to drink vodka and snog each others brains out.
after a fairly succesful evening, i managed to lose the friends i had arrived with, and in a drunken state started to chat to a group of young lads who had cigarettes (very cool for 15 year olds at the time) hoping i could scab one to look 'cool'. They invited me to an after-party at their house.
so a quick taxi ride later, we turned up at this mansion in kensington. very dapper and really very impressive. to cut a long story short, i got friendly with one of the young girls, and we decided to head up to one of the many bedrooms of the not-so humble mansion. so...stumbling about in the dark, we found a room with a huge four poster bed and prodeeded to do the naughty thing (in a very drunken and awkward fashion). Not bad for a first encounter!

even more awkward was the scene the next morning when no other than camilla parker-bowles walks in to the room and proceeds to berate me and my partner for 'spoiling the sheets' and defiling her fathers death bed.
i left, apologising profusely, hoping to dear God that she hadn't noticed the used condom in the side drawer.
( meak is going to inherit the earth, Wed 14 Apr 2004, 22:13, Reply)

A-List Celeb Humilated
Quite a few years ago now, my Granddad and some of his work colleagues paid a flying visit to Berlin to deliver a message to the Chancellor of Germany.

The message in question was "Up Yours Adolf", written on the side of several 500lb bombs which they dropped from their RAF Lancaster bomber.

Apparently, Herr Hitler was not amused and shortly afterwards killed himself.

No fucking sense of humour the Germans.
.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 1:13, Reply)

I was rude to my hero!!!!
I am a mad passionate Saints (Southampton FC) fan, to the extent of going to their away reserve games too.

Last year, they were playing away to Fulham, i think it was in Aldershot, and sadly Saints were getting hammered 7-2... but none of this mattered, our hero Francis Benali was playing. This man has been with the club all of his career, the red and white stripes run through his blood and he is loved by every saints fan.

So... as the players were leaving the pitch, a couple of my mates said "come on, lets see if we can get out picture taken with 'franny'"... game for a laugh, we went over to where the players were coming off, then at the right moment i went over and said "Franny....Franny, can we get our picture taken?"
Franny looked mightly pissed off having just lost 7-2, but being the good sport he is said "ok lads..."
"GREAT!" i chirped up... then it happened, the little devil on my sholder took over, i passed him the camera and said "All you gotta do is press this button!" then stood back with a big grin on my face!... Franny was not best pleased, practically threw the camera back at me and said "IM NOT TAKING YOUR FUCKING PHOTO" and stormed off down the tunnel...

I turned around pissing myself laughing to see the looks on my fellow saints fans faces were of absolute horror, "WHAT THE F*CK DID YOU JUST DO????"....

..... i still laughed all the way home....
( timothy claypole, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 23:08, Reply)

I met Bill Oddie one time.
I thought it amusing to tell him that he and Noddy Holder got married he could be Willy Holder and Noddy would be Noddy Oddie. I don't think he found it amusing. You'd have thought he would really... being a Goodie and all.
( CaroWallis, Wed 14 Apr 2004, 19:30, Reply)

Two instances...
One:
I work for a popular rock music magazine and get to attend it's award ceremony each year. One year, at the awards aftershow, the news went round the magazine staff that "Jon was coming". Not having a clue who they were on about I interrupted the sub-editor (who was chatting to some greasy little spick at the time) to ask who "Jon" was. "Jon Bon Jovi", she replied excitedly, "he's on his way across now". "Bollocks. I fucking hate Jon Bon Jovi", was my response. At this point she introduced the now very angry looking spick as Jon Bon Jovi's press agent. Anyway, it get's worse... Because Jon's arrival was such a coup for the magazine all the staff were summoned to greet him on his arrival. We were lined up at the club entrance like the performers at the Royal variety show waiting to meet the queen. When he finally arrived he walked slowly down the line and shook everyone's hand. After he shook mine I turned to the girl next to me and, pulling a face of upmost disgust and dramatically wiping my hand on my shirt; said "I feel so dirty". She goes bright red and I look up to see the same greasy spick press agent from earlier looking at me like pure thunder. Joy.

Two:
When my little brother was 8 years old he had the spikiest hair you've ever seen and by God was he proud of it. He'd get through hair gel the way most people get through tea. (He wasn't drinking it though, that would just be silly). Anyway, one day during a family outing to Cardiff we hear a commotion behind us and several people shouting "JIMMY!". Several runners ran past us and we realised we'd stumbled onto the route of the Cardiff half marathon. We got a good roadside view and then saw what the commotion was; Jimmy Saville was coming in our direction. He jogged towards us waving at the crowd as he came and as soon as he drew level and saw my brother he ruffled his hair in a 'Hello there you cheeky young scamp! I'm a celebrity and I can get away with this gross invasion of personal space' kinda way. His perfectly spiked hair now a total mess my red-faced little brother bellowed the following memorable phrase at Sir Jim, in full earshot of my parents: "YOU STUPID OLD WANKER! I HOPE YOU FUCKING FALL OVER!"

A race marshall asked us to leave after that.

Much apology for the inordinate length of post.
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 12:51, Reply)

Another Ulrika Jonsson one...
I once beat the crap out of her in a bar in Paris because she was doing my head in.
(Stan_Collymore, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 12:27, Reply)

Mick Hucknall
Was done like a kipper by a mate of mine once.

Mate in question was working at Tower Records in London at the time and was restocking some shelves when he feels this tap on his back.

He stands up to see Mick Hucknall and three hairy arsed bouncers stood there. The tap had come from Mr Hucknall's silver topped walking cane.

Seeing that my mate was in the way, Hucknall wafts this cane of his in a 'get out of the way oink' manner, not saying a word.

Cool as a cucumber my mate stands up, looks Mick Hucknall square in the eyes and says:

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"

Quality.
( TooMuch2AM, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 15:21, Reply)

When I was 5 or so
my dad got me very excited by saying that one of the Goodies were coming round for tea. For some reason, our next door neighbours at the time were good friends with Tim Brooke-Taylor - and having heard that he was paying them a visit, my dad invited him round ("My young son's a huge fan of the Goodies"...etc. etc.) At the appointed hour TBT arrived and my mum sat him down with a cup and called me in from the next room. I saw who it was, burst into tears and ran away, shouting "He's the wrong one! I wanted the funny one with the beard!". I have no idea what my folks talked about after that, but he didn't stay very long.
( Cromagnon Don't waste my motherfucking time!, Wed 14 Apr 2004, 21:08, Reply)

I once stopped Horatio Sanz of Saturday Nite Live
...on his way out of a porn theatre in Germany. He didn't realize that I knew where he was coming from, and when I asked if I could get him on tape, he gladly obliged. And it went something like this.

Me: "Hi Horatio, I'm a big fan of SNL."

Horatio: "Hi there, thanks."

Me: "So I'm here with Horatio Sanz. Tell me Horatio, what are you doing here at the "Wicksen Palast" (Masturbation Palace)?

I've never seen a fat man run faster.
(MR KEARNS, Wed 14 Apr 2004, 20:20, Reply)

Very funny for me because a) i lost my job and b) i didnt like it anyways
Insulting a celebrity the best way in the world to lose a job.


First: Lowri Turner of that home improvement show cant rember the name now, visits the local Safeway where i just so happened to work at the time. Guess what she cam through my checkout and I was having a nice conversation with her about my job and then i asked her what she did (at the time not realising it was her) she told me that she worked for BBC on said improvement show. and i replied with "oh that very classy show with the downtrodden masses looking for a freebie with that fat bird who presents it whats her name?" to which she said "me" what kind of a stupid name is that and she said "no im the fat bird who presents it" and stormed off.
( Mr. Street, Wed 14 Apr 2004, 19:35, Reply)

Told one of atmic kitten to get fucked...
having a bad day... looking for a book i needed in W.H Smiths. Very busy, too many kids.
Unknowingly i'd wander into an atomic kitten signing.

I hurry past the crowd towards the books. Then i see a pretty girl walking towards me.I assume it's a very fit fan... She Barges past me, elbow first... keeps walking on.
i reply "apology accepted!"...

I get a very loud 'tut' as suddenyl WH Smiths goes quiet... she turns round and gives me a very "SMARMY" grin.

My response: "Get fucked"...

Gasps

I buy book. Leave.
(Kayozz, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 3:25, Reply)

Living in London...
...has given me several rude-to-celebrity tales. Johnny Vegas called me "a fucking cunt" after I bumped into him when coming out of Sound. "If you weren't such a fat ugly fucker I wouldn't have" was my response.

At the album launch for Ash's Free All Angels album, we kept putting condoms (the sinks in the toilets were full of uboot.com promotional ones) in the pints of a couple of blokes of Hollyoaks. They knew it was us, but we just looked at them and mouthed "Cock, cock, cock..." repeatedly at me.

This isn't me, but a mate of mine punched Finley Quaye in the face once over a game of pool.

At Reading Festival 2002, I was backstage interviewing californian nu-metal muppets (hed)p.e, when someone collided into me from behind and spilled one of my (many) free drinks. "Watch it, cunt!" was my response, little realising that it was the fat guy out of D12.

Last year we were out celebrating a mate's birthday at the CroBar, when Kelly Osbourne asked me about my beard (as it is a wonder of facial trimming). After telling me it was "fucking impressive" I responded that it wasn't as impressive "as her ugly gobshite continued existence".

I was drunk, and she was a beast.
(Endjinn, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:04, Reply)

Gingerness
At the Phoenix festival, many moons ago when Chris Evans was at the height of his fame, he came and sat down by my campfire when me & my girlie were coming down off acid.

He smiled and started to speak, so I leapt to my feet and screamed "You are an unfunny ginger cunt" at the top of my voice.

He looked extremely angry since about 2000 people were watching and then he got up and stomped away.

I'm not proud of tha.... oh, wait. Yes I am.
( pilchardboy, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 9:34, Reply)

Headbutt a celebrity
I suppose it's quite rude, but more bizzare. Do you remember the episode of the Simpsons where Bart gets an Elephant? Do you remember the part where the elephant gets released into the wild and Marge asks why it's headbutting all the other animals? Do you remember the guy's response being "Well Mrs Simpsons, just like humans, some elephants act this way because they've had a troubled or difficult childhood, but also like humans some act this way because they're just jerks". At this point Homer is headbutting the guy as the elephant is. Haha.

Anyway, this became an injoke with some friends of mine, i.e. headbutting random people this way, and some of those we got were kinda famous.

First was Lemon Jelly:



It was their third ever gig back when they did three nights at 83 Feet East in London and we were at the 'free bar' aftershow party. We all got hammered with 3 bottles of Budvar in each hand, and so you may notice the lack of subtlety (and aim) in the effort here. I'm the photographer, by the way.

Second, the bassist from A:



This one was far more fun. It was at The Forum in London the last time Fugazi played and towards the end we noticed that the bassist from A was there. Armed with a disposable camera, the mission was simple. I'd say I was a huge fan of the band to the guy, and ask if my friend could have his photo taken with him. Everything was set up for a normal photo but in fractions of a second, my friend assumes position, I click, then returns to his 'avid fan' state.

Anyway, those are them. I would like to point out that this friend of mine saw the Backstreet Boys in one of the Theme Parks in Orlando 6 years ago just walking about and we have prime video footage of him shouting:

"OI! BACKSTREET BOYS!"

them turning to look

"YOU'RE CRAP!".
( ma0sm, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 16:48, Reply)

julian clary
"Hi Julian. I like your suit, it's very nice. Can I bum a fag off you please?"

He gave me a cigarette.
( GTA, Wed 14 Apr 2004, 21:36, Reply)

Not my anecdote, but...
Last year I went to a debate where one of the speakers was the entertainment editor (or something) of the BBC. Someone whose self-perceived importance massively outweighed her real importance anyway (I asked for her autograph just because I felt sorry for her, and she signed her name right over the top of John from Big Brother's!). Sitting in the Mitre pub in Cambridge afterwards, I asked Tom what he had been talking to her about all evening. "Well," he says, "she was asking me what programmes I watched on TV, so I said Neighbors, and then I realised I could ask her something that has been on my mind for a while."

"What was that?"

"Whether Harold from Neighbors is a cunt"

"What???"

"Oh, well, my friend Steve went to see a panto last year and the guy who plays Harold was in it. So Steve queues up backstage after the panto to get Harold's autograph, and Harold is signing away at some kid's programme when someone shouts from the back 'why are you so fat?'. And Harold stops and looks up, and he says 'because every time I shag your mother she gives me a biscuit'.

"I just don't believe that someone who was in the salvation army, even if only fictiously, would say that".

But apparently the BBC woman said that Harold is a nice guy.
(Richard_O'Richard, Wed 14 Apr 2004, 23:46, Reply)

My dad called Vic Reeves a "blind twat"
when he asked us if we had seen his daughter who was hiding behind a tree.
Rory McGrath pinched my friend's bum and she called him a "cheeky cunt". He didn't seem that bothered, but then pretty much everyone in Cambridge has insulted him in some way, it's what brings us together as a community.
(BadKittyDirtyKitty, Wed 14 Apr 2004, 21:36, Reply)

Ken Dodd...
...about the time he was being sued by the inland revenue for his tax doding antics was opening the Saddleworth Show near where I live.

I turned up and asked for his autograph and gave him a tax return form to sign.

He called me a 'naughty little diddyman'
(Troncmaster, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:34, Reply)

ANZAC baiting
I once waved a fiver at Danni Minogue when very drunk claiming her sister would do it for a tenner. That, and various other drunken antics led to her legging it to a quiet upstairs bit of the bar.

So my mate then moved them all out of their nice quiet table, saying the upstairs area was closing for cleaning. He wasn't staff. Daft bastards.
( SpunkyBackpack, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:24, Reply)

i smell of cheese

( ChaosTime The Fucking Moon Lord, Wed 14 Apr 2004, 20:33, Reply)

Kylie Minogue
I was picking up a few things in the Virgin Megastore in Times Square, New York City. The place was ridiculously crowded, so I figured it was one of their celebrity signing whatevers.

Having made my purchases, I ninja'd my way to the back of the crowd, and asked a record store employee who the honored guest was.

"Kylie Minogue."

"Oh, that 'Locomotion' chick? She sucks canal water," I wittily replied.

The employee started laughing, but gagged it back. I followed his gaze and realized that the autograph table was right behind me, and she was glaring in my direction, having heard every word.

I smiled sweetly, and added "Sorry, but you do." I then made a hasty retreat before the security guys made it for me.
( Rob T Firefly talked, like, William Shatner, on, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 14:31, Reply)

Keanu Reeves
I was living in Sydney during the filming of the first Matrix. After a hard day of cleaning up operating theatres, I wanted nothing more than to go home and have a couple of bevvies before going to sleep. Unfortunately they were filming one of those 360 shots outside the front of my fucking house (which they had covered with scaffolding to make it look 'spooky' - It was the same spot that they pulled the bug out of his belly button if it helps you get a mental pitcure).

After standing there watching cameras move around keanu for about 5 minutes, I got the shits and walked through the set. Keanu whipped around and asked me what I was doing, and I told him I was going home and to fuck off. A couple of days later, on 'Today' (one of our morning shows) he was being interviewed and mentioned that they had to cut one of the scenes because someone walked through the set. Who knows, maybe the series would have made sense if I hadn't done it...
( gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 9:57, Reply)

we whent
to a collage trip to the twat modern so see some stuff (for those who care donald judd)
on the way the bus pulled up to a red car on a red light (Coincidence i think not!!)
any hoo i turned around to amuze myself by looking at cars on my right hand side and i saw with great joy Matthew kelly (stars in there arse blokey) i thought to my self
"this is only going to happen once in my life
i need to take hold of this moment with both hands" so i quickly jumped off my seat dropped my trousers and kaks in one swift movement and gave Matthew kelly a prime view of my hairy asshole pressed up agaist a bus window , oh the joy, the bus driver bolloxed me but i felt warm inside and my bum cheeks were cold
(waikiki, Wed 14 Apr 2004, 20:58, Reply)

not me personally
but it's worth retelling. a friend of mine was at some expo in the birmingham NEC, around the era of windows98. attending this convention was a mr. william gates. my friend was removed with expedience for throwing a windows CD at his head and calling him a cunt in a very loud voice. marvellous.
( Dano, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 17:56, Reply)

It wasn't me, it was actually my brother.
One year he was doing volunteer work at the international flower show being held in our home town, performing grunt work like planting flowers, painting fences, etc. That year there was a special guest: None other than Martha Stewart.

"No no no, plant it here. So it's neat. Yours looks terrible." She said to him, to which he responded:

"Excuse me lady, I think you've mistaken me for someone who gives a damn."
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Wed 14 Apr 2004, 19:31, Reply)

Pat Jennings N.Ireland goalkeeper
we used to do a big charity bike ride from Belfast to Dublin and always they got a celebrity? guest to do the ride, this particular year it was big Pat Jennings who was interviewed at the start by t.v. folks and miss N.Ireland( scantily clad)was sitting on his bike, Pat turns to the crowd and asks for questions so I immediately shouts out " any chance of sniffing your saddle when she gets off" strangely that bit wasn't shown on the telly
( Dill, Wed 14 Apr 2004, 19:28, Reply)

International Beckham and Posh Ignoring
At a previous job, in a small market town in Cheshire, we were obliged to have coffee in Starbucks (humble apologies). However, it became apparent that a certain well known footballer and his talentless workshy fop of a wife would also stop by in the Merc for a brew. The Starbucks staff were in awe (tossers), but it happened so often that we invented the sport of IBPI (see title).

15 of us were in for a brew one lunchtime. In walked the badly attired Beckham, parking his car on the double yellows outside.

As he walked to the counter to order his latte, smiling and hoping for that celebrity recognition factor, all 15 of us at the counter promptly turned our backs and ignored him - it was a bit obvious really.

I did the same thing to Baby Spice (does she have a real name?) recently, and she was less than impressed......
( groovegenerator The man who mistook his wife for his wife, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 16:14, Reply)

Jimmy Nail & Jeremy Beadle
Jimmy Nail was filming an episode of Spender at Newcastle Central station when I was on my way home from work; I was trolling across the bridge from one platform to another during the filming, saw him and shouted "SHE'S LYING!" at the top of my voice, he didn't look happy

Also a friend of mine, very large punky chap with a mohican once shouted "FUCK OFF LITTLEHAND" at Beadle when he tried to film him walking through the same station
(ShoutyBearHead, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 11:38, Reply)