german speaking tests...
so i've just completed a german mock i was sure to fail. but i didn't of course, and it was all thanks to my...legs?!? i managed to fit six questions, in full flowing german, from the edge of my skirt up towards my hip....ahh that C feels good!

pop goes the posting cherry!
(littlebusstudiesone, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 13:24, Reply)

Its a dog eat dog world
I was at college doing my HND (Higher National Diploma) in Marketing and we were approaching our exam week. After our first exam, I noticed that at the start of the exam the invigilators didnt check us for cheating materials or even patrol the classroom as they should do. Infact, they even let us bring AND use our own writing paper from outside. *lightbulb sparks above head*. Banking on our invigilators future laxness on my forthcoming exams, I duly went home and wrote hundreds of notes on lined paper which I then inserted in the middle of my a4 wrting pad which I duly produced onto my desk at the start of the exam and used quite fragrantly during the course of my exam. I used this method for all my exams and passed with flying colours! (the guilt wears off very quickly). What a bunch of invigilating fuckwits!!. If you think that was bad, my mate (doing the same exams as me) dictated his materials onto the voicemail of his phone the night before and wore his handsfree during the exam and was able to access his voicemail and copy his notes from his dictation. The invigilators let him keep his phone and handsfree on him during the exam, no questions asked!!! I knew his game, and couldnt help chuckling quitely when ever i heard a small electronic pip (that his ercicsson phone used to make) meaning he was accessing his cheating material from his voicemail . I heard that pip well over 55 times in two hours. (Yes I counted them, as I had finished my exam in 30 mins, thanks to my 'notes', and had to sit there for the remainder of the exam). No one understood what I found so funny, apart from me and him. We're devious cunts arent we.

Anyhow, that exam gained me entry to Uni where I took and passed my degree (I did also cheat in an exam there too..but I'll post that later) and got me gainful employment. My motto is...if you can get away with it then do it. Just make sure you are stealthy, as I have seen cheats who are as obvious as a penis on a forehead get caught.

Sorry for speklling mistakes, cant be arsed to spell check.

ps- does anyone know why if you cheat on your gf it doesnt feel nowhere near as bad as when your gf cheats on you?
(CaptainFellatioNelson is trying to kill me, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 12:22, Reply)

This QOTW is a personal attack on me
Because I was a lovely little boy. In grade four I was falsely accused for cheating on my SRA cards. The fact was I had excellent reading and comprehension skills and was able to move way ahead of the class. Once I had been branded a cheat that one time, for some reason I became one. From that day on I have cheated at everything - exams, all facets of my work and home life and on my wife with various women and men. I now force myself to work the worst dead end jobs I can find where there is nothing to steal or cheat anyone out of as my penance. B3ta it does not make me feel better. Only a fried egg sandwich does that.
(rodgerroop, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 11:43, Reply)

employee12754's story reminds me...
... of my own story, where my very own sister chose to drop me in it for no reason whatsoever.

Back in the good old days of primary school and not having to worry about much at all, round about 1986, it was another normal start to another normal day. Or so I thought.

Just settling down to breakfast, I was eating my usual bowl of rice-crispies whilst my big sister sat opposite me at the kitchen table, munching on her own brand of cereal. I forget which brand, but she was eating it particularly slowly this morning.

The fact we displayed such brand loyalty is pivotal to what happened next. I finished off my bowl and proceeded on to whatever I did next in my kiddies morning routine, and left my sister still slowly breaking her fast at the kitchen table. Next thing I know, I being yelled at and walloped for what I can surmise, was absolutely no good reason at all. Upon being hauled through to the kitchen again, I am shocked to see milk and Crispies of the Rice variety strewn all over every surface and worktop in our kitchen! My sister had waited til I left the breakfast table then created a mess using my cereal.

She admits to it now, nearly ten years hence, and we can all have a good laugh about it.

Yes, a good laugh...

2nd post. No apols for crapness.
(Dr_Faustus filius of a femina canis, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 11:11, Reply)

I had a girlffriend...
... and a threesome. and the gf was not one of them.

she still doesn't know.
( bierbelly, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 10:28, Reply)

it begins quite young
The following story is a true story of how one little boy learned at the tender age of four that women are not to be trusted, how the genders differ fundamentally and how women though considered the weaker species by some ignorant dopes out there are in fact cunning shrewd devious sneaky cheaty things.

The tale begins and ends during the late sixties in an average living room in an average three bedroom house on an average suberban estate in an average part of southern Ireland. The breadwinner is away winning bread and the proud housewife tends proudly to the housework while the then three children play in their childlike way at this and that. The eldest upstairs reading her book while the younger two, a boy aged four and a cute little girl aged three a glance at whom one would suspect her mouth to be a place where butter could not possibly melt, played between themselves downstairs.

It was alsmost time for father to arrive home and as it was friday the two youngest had become sometimes accustomed to recieving small sweet edible pressies every so often, generally coinciding with pay day for the man of the house. They waited hopefully and patiently.

Sure enough the working man returned with two distinctly different packets of sweeties for his two little miracles. 'here you go young man' he said to mark, the little boy, 'your favorites', 'and here you go too maggie my pet, your favs aswell' delight ensued and father went to another room to greet his wife and do the usual things that he would do on his return from the workplace.

What occured next left Mark permanently scarred for many years and unable to trust females and is it no wonder . . . . you see what happened was this . . . Maggie turned to Mark and says in her three year old language . . . 'hey maky, we swop sweeties today for a change?'

poor innocent thick ignorant mark forever wanting to please his baby sis saw no problem with this and says . . . 'ok mag mags, here you go.' Mark recounts the next episode thusly, Maggie, normally a slow thoughtfull diner literally shoved one sweet after another into her gob chewing and swallowing simultaneously while Mark looked on in awe, his packet as yet untouched... 20 or so seconds passed and maggie now stood over an empty sweet packet smiling at poor stoopid fuckwitted mark still clueless as to the little demons plan. She began to cry, a loud bawl getting the father up from his cup of tea to investigate what the woe was . . . he entered to room to see maggie bawling, an empty sweet packet and Mark holding the full packet of the sweets that he had given to her, her favourites.... 'Mark ate all my sweets' maggie blubbed through reptilian tears . . . WHAT ! excalimed the father as he snatched the packet from mark clipped him round the ear and handed them to his innocent wronged widdul baby girl before leaving the room and getting back to his tea.

Maggie proceeded to slowly eat one sweet after another in a very teasing manner in front of Mark, rubbing her belly and mmmm mmmm mmmmming all the way, waving each one around for a bit before munching it.

the little bitch.

She of course laughs now when the story is told and claims not to remember her cheating ways as an infant, Mark however has never forgotten. He has learned to trust and married several years ago and now has two young ones of his own. He is always sure to conduct thurough investigations when his judicial capacity is called upon mind you.






no apologies for length and you will learn to like in an odd way the cheesy whiff
(The Cats Twat, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 20:59, Reply)

Cheating a £bn business isn't really cheating, is it?
Last summer, and as Skipper for my Football team, I was responsible for organising the big end of season bash. It was decided that due to various 'incidents' involving fighting, bouncers, ejections from nightclubs, hospital and a police station, the year before, it would be safer to host the bash at the Gaffer's house, in a big BBQ stylee.

So, having collected £20 a head for 'supplies', off me and my chum (who plays right midfield if any Hunton Bridge FC members are reading) went to Tesco.

Arriving at the tills with a trolley load of meat, bread, salad, etc etc, and another trolley load containing 6 crates of lager, we flirted outrageously with the (specially selected due to her being the 'fittest') checkout girl. When it came to the second trolley, she said to us "just give me one crate and I'll ring it up 6 times". We handed over the crate, the other 5 safely stored in our trolley, and awaited the damage.

Expecting a bill of around £250, we were amused to hear "that'll be £140" (ish -I can't remember exactly how much). Both desperately keeping a straight face, and trying not to blow our cover in the realisation that she'd only rung in 1 of the crates of lager we paid her, thanked her, and did one.

We both left £50 up having decided not to tell our teammates because it would be so complicated refunding all their money (ha ha), and to this day my mate and I still don't know whether the tilltart had deliberately only rung in 1 of the crates because she fancied us, or whether she was just a dumb blonde who didn't know what she was doing.

We like to think it was the former, even though sadly, in reality it was probably the latter.
(Waddo, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 19:11, Reply)

Just a couple of them...
Some neighbours had a poker night not long back and me and my friends went along. We were split up into teams and played a few hands when I realised that my team was quite possibly the cheatiest team ever. We were playing 2s wild, but even so I had to struggle to keep a straight face when I announced we had five aces.

Also the missus runs a pub which had a big prize draw for a weekend away. Since it's quite a touristy pub and doesn't have many regulars, only I had been acquiring prize draw tickets for weeks and weeks before. On the night of the draw itself, more than three quarters of the tickets in the hat had my name on the back. Of course I won, and took the missus to Worcester.
( emvee is the biggest cunt on b3ta, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 17:20, Reply)

The joys of being different.
Because of my "special" status (only Dyspraxia, by the way. I'm not a complete 'tard) i've been allowed extra time for exams and a computer to do them on for years. So a few years ago, when in was still doing (or 'dinf' as i originally typed. God i'm a spack) my A-levels, they set up a laptop in a little room and left me there to do a history exam. Yes that's right. Left me there. Alone. Unwatched. Out comes the mobile phone, out go the texts, etc, etc.

Unfortunately, the only guy who cared enough to reply in time was an old online mate of mine who wasn't as clever as i thought he was, so i still only got a C. Still, it could have worked.

A couple of days later i had a law exam so persuaded a mate to sit by his phone with a textbook in front of him, but there was an invigilator there that time so i never got the chance again. Balls.
(MrTrent cannot think of a clever sig., Wed 23 Nov 2005, 17:04, Reply)

Minty Hit
I shit you not. I haven't had much of a rock n roll life, but the most exciting/stupidist stuff I've ever done was all crammed into the one year spanning the GSCEs/sixform cross over.

I have very little memory of this time, and rely on the information of other, more sensible people.

My life has been very boring in the 7 years since then.
(That Boy Joe, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 16:50, Reply)

The Brigadier
An exam on Acid... writing upside down... pull the other one!
(Minty Hit, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 14:29, Reply)

A couple of weeks back three friends and I went out for a meal to celebrate my birthday.
We went to a nice little Italian place in Manchester and stuffed ourselves silly, three courses, wine, champagne, the lot.

They brought us the wrong bill at the end of the night though, it obviously belonged to someone who'd had a nice meal for two. And it was about £70 cheaper than the one we were expecting.

So we paid that one, left a nice tip, and quickly buggered off to fritter away the money we'd just saved on booze to celebrate our good fortune.
(DeeDee, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 14:12, Reply)

school/college/uni..
Google did my homework for years.
(destroy advertising, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 13:52, Reply)