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This is a question What nonsense did you believe in as a kid?

Ever thought that you could get flushed down the loo? That girls wee out their bottoms? Or that bumming means two men rubbing their bums together? Tell us about your childhood misconceptions. Thanks to Joefish for the suggestion.

(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 15:21)
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Running
I believed that if I really practised hard I could become the best in the world at running really fast around corners, and that by the time I grew up it would have become recognised as an olympic sport and I would be champion.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 16:15, 2 replies)
I decided that we see by sending out invisible beams from our eyes, that "felt" everything they touched.
And that's why we have to turn our hear and/or eyes to point at things to look at them - we have to point the beams at them.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 16:14, 6 replies)
"...kills dandelions, moss and small children"
It was summertime, and I was about 6 years old. My Dad had decided to tackle the weeds in the back garden so he had bought a small tank of weed killer the type with the pump on them. He proceeded to spray all the dandelions that had invaded the lawn and made sure to warn me how dangerous the weed killer was,

"Do not go near any of that stuff, it's REALLY, REALLY bad! Promise me now!"

I nodded my head sheepishly - all I wanted to do was play in the garden. With his back turned, I was out in the garden, running about, rolling about, riding my little bike - all the things I loved about being in the garden in the summer.

Eventually I tired of play and went inside; parents none the wiser. I grabbed a packet of crisps and started eating. Halfway through I realised I had not washed my hands and guessed that at some point I must have put my hands on the grass and were now covered with the dreaded weed killer... Now I had eaten the crisps, surely I had ingested some too!

I'd poisoned myself - was going to die! I was just sure of it! I barely touched my dinner, worrying my parents. I dared not tell them, as I'd been warned off the grass earlier. When it came to bed time, I just sat up in bed. I was convinced that if I fell asleep I would never wake up. I kept awake as long as I could before I fell back into the bed fast-asleep.

I awoke the next morning feeling fine - nothing wrong with me aside from the feeling I'd perhaps been a little silly believing in a premature demise.

I never did tell the story to my parents...
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 16:12, Reply)
religion

(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 16:10, 6 replies)
that the punchline was just nonsense
For years, without giving it any consideration, I thought that the punchline to "Why did the chicken cross the road" was just a piece of half arsed playground nonsense, as in "because it wanted to cross the road" usually followed by screams of "you idiot, mnnnng, joey" (such was life, growing up in the 70s)

It didn't occur to me that it was a metaphysical comment on the suicidal nature of poultry.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 16:08, 7 replies)
The Rock.
I believed that air guitars were just a special kind of guitar rock bands would use. Until I was like 19.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 16:05, Reply)
I thought the stables down the road were owned by a guy called Jim Carner.
And until I was about 6, electric guitars made no sound -
having watched them being "played" on TOTP circa 1980.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 16:05, Reply)
That 'AD' meant 'After Death'
It was only pointed out to me when I was 21.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 16:02, 10 replies)
I convinced Baby Shambles that my nose made a beeping noise when pressed.
This backfired when I was having a nap and she thought it wasn't working and hit it as hard as she could with a wooden mallet.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 16:01, 6 replies)
I'll crowbar this in
I was putting my daughter to bed. As I was tucking her in for some reason she reached up and squeezed my ear lobe. She could feel where in my punky youth I had multiple piercings. "Daddy, what are those lumps?"
"I used to have my ears pierced"
she gasped in shock "did you used to be a pirate?"
what could I say but "yes of course I was"
She of course believed me. Yarrrrrrrr
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 16:00, 2 replies)
I heard Joe King's going to kick your head in.

(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 16:00, Reply)
I was convinced that Donnie and Marie Osmond were married.
And that when I grew up I'd get my turn at marrying her too.

Instead I was touched inappropriately by Jimmy.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 15:57, Reply)
Not sure if this strictly qualifies but since when has that ever really mattered?
A friend of ours has got her 5 year-old son convinced that the motion sensors for the burglar alarm in their house are for Father Christmas to monitor whether or not he's being good.

I arguably overuse the term "Genius", but I think in this case it is justified.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 15:56, 3 replies)
Not pooing makes you live longer
For some reason in my tiny head I had rationalised that wee and poo leaving the body could only be the body losing its vital liquid and solid constituents.

I had heard though that the body could generate more blood, both mum and dad gave blood, so I was more than content to piddle away safe in the knowledge my body would replace the lost fluids but I feared teh poo.

Pooing was clearly the body losing bones. There's no way to grow bones back. When you'd pooed out the last bone you'd be dead. I tried as hard as I could not to poo, clenching my way through years 3-4 and literally waiting until the backlog punched its way out leaving a jobbie like Frank Bruno's leg in the bowl. I practically had to stand up to finish the bastards off.

I reckon writing off those pairs of BHS y-fronts has added at least 6 months to my life expectancy.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 15:55, 2 replies)
I grew up in a predominantly white village.
As a kid I remember my mum worked with this black fella. He used to wipe his hand on my face a say 'ooh I got black on you!'

'nooo, where ? get it off!'
'Ok'
He would get a balled up bit of tissue and pretend to clean where he put his hand.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 15:50, 1 reply)
I was told that if I worked hard at school
I would get a job.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 15:47, Reply)
Brum brum
I used to think that exhaust pipes blew cars along the road. It made a kind of sense too because the few sports cars I had seen had bigger exhaust pipes and in some cases more than one .

When I drew cars they had MASSIVE pipes.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 15:45, 1 reply)
Sparrows...
I was convinced they were baby pigeons.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 15:42, Reply)
Blowing Smoke.
My granddad used to blow smoke rings. One day when I was about five he convinced me he could blow them out of his ears. I had to sit on his lap and concentrate and when he took a drag I was to pat him on the chest to make the smoke come out. Just as I patted him he burnt the back of my hand with his ciggie. Bastard.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 15:40, 4 replies)
Santa
Everyone at school told me he wasn't real, but I was having none of it. I remember being 10 years old, lying in my bed and thinking:

"That's preposterous - as if every adult in the world is involved in some immense conspiracy! Do they take you into a special room as an adult and debrief you? Do they let you in on it and teach you how to start faking the existence of Santa? Why would they do such a thing? How would it even get started? Why wouldn't they take the credit for themselves? Santa MUST be real. It's the only rational explanation."

My parents must have been awesome liars.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 15:36, 3 replies)
I believed that there were people in the TV.
And I was thoroughly confused when I looked in the back and saw loads of glowing tubes instead.

I was also fascinated by the fact that I could wave a pencil in front of my face and see strangely curved dark lines over the picture. (It's the result of the picture scanning down the screen as each frame refreshes.)
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 15:35, 25 replies)
I used to believe that there were cobras at the bottom of my bed.
I also believed that E.T. lived in my wardrobe, and would come out at night and eat my head if it was exposed.

This meant that I had to sleep curled up in the middle of the bed, with my feet pulled up as far away from the cobras as possible and my head tucked under the quilt to protect me from E.T.

I am now 6'4". I no longer believe any of this.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 15:35, 1 reply)
Prawns
...to follow on the last accidental post.

I didn't realise prawns had shells and heads and stuff. I thought when they lived in the sea they looked like they do in a prawn sandwich.

That is fine when you are a kid but the true position was only explained to me, by my now wife, in front of startled friends when I was in my mid 20's and was complaining that the prawns in my fajita were sharp and jaggy. Feel like a bit a tube now thinking about it to be honest but not as much as I did then.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 15:33, 2 replies)
Still messing with our heads b3ta?
ISWYDT
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 15:32, Reply)
that you'd go blind
you know.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 15:31, Reply)
My strange ritual.
Is I have to post an answer a few weeks later when the QOTW date is different, for some reason.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 15:31, Reply)
Prawns

(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 15:29, Reply)
I thought that John Travolta's name was
Jolta Volta.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 15:27, 4 replies)
Is it Thursday already?
I'm confused.
(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 15:26, 6 replies)
That coming first was important

(, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 15:23, 1 reply)

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