I helped Ken Livingston maneuvre a heavy suitcase up a steep flight of stairs

(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 14:42, 2 replies)

I met Simon Cowell, he was really charming and friendly

(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 14:40, Reply)

My ex-boyfriend lived next door to Bill Bryson, (as a teenager)

(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 14:39, Reply)

I once said to Dawn French "Get to the back of the queue, you arrogant, snotty bitch"
She's dead rude in real life. (Well, she was when she came in a cafe where I worked).
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 14:38, Reply)

theres a man
Works down our chip shop swears he's Elvis.....
Coincidently my pet mouse Elvis died recently. He was caught in a trap.
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 14:36, 2 replies)

I grew up on the same housing estate as Half Man, Half Biscuit

(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 14:36, 1 reply)

My dad used to tell me the story of a very smelly boy
who he went to boarding school with in the dim and distant past. It wasn't a problem with hygiene as they all had the same regulation 'one bath per week' treatment. The poor lad just oozed a pervading fug of rotteny-fishlike odour. It was actually particularly violent during the weekly bath when it would bond with the warm water vapour and roll out across the whole dorm house and cause much misery. Not least for the poor boy who it belonged to who quickly became known as Stinky Pinsent.

The story is not all doom and gloom though, Stinky grew up to be a handsome young man, who married a very pretty lady, presumably with a very poor sense of smell. They had kids and stuff and their youngest son won lots of medals. The end.
(lumpytuna, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 14:22, 4 replies)

My taste of fame...
There's a museum in Keswick named Cars Of The Stars which has quite a collection of vehicles that were used on the sets of films of for the promotion of said films. A few years ago my friend bought an autograph from there (A cheque signed by Bruce Lee) and was allowed to sit in one of ther cars. He chose the De Loreon from Back To The Future. I licked it. Yep, I licked *THE* De Lorean.

I also licked a lighter that Joe Strummer gave my friend during his last ever tour.
(Thor McLegend FUCK SHITPANTS PAC MAN, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 14:19, Reply)

OOH Forgot this one...
My dad's cousin is Alan Rushton who used to be the drummer on Play Away.
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 13:51, 1 reply)

My sister
fixed the computer of the gap toothed bird from Torchwood once.

She didn't have any naked photos of herself on it.

Well, you've got to ask.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 13:45, 1 reply)

Sir Cliff once told me to 'get a move on'
My GF and her loopy mum had dragged me to a concert in Preston and managed to get him to pose for a pic and I couldn't find the shutter button.

I did 'Millionaire' twice with Chris Tarrant.

One of the Grumbleweeds (Graham I think) used to come into my shop as did John McArdle who used to be Billy Corkhill in Brrrooooookie

Gethin wossit who used to shag Kathryn Jenkins came in once but I didn't know who he was, the girl who worked for us told me after he'd gone.

When I was a kid my best mate was the son of former Tory Home secketry David (Now Lord) Waddington.

I used to work with a bloke who used to be in the Glitter Band with his brother.

I went to a big house (former maternity home where I was born...) to fix a blokes computer and found out the bloke was Denny Laine.

My landlady is the sister of the bloke who played Carl Gallagher in Shameless (and obviously his twin brother who was in Emmerdale).

There are a few more but I can't remember em all...
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 13:40, Reply)

Once
I took a shit in Miriam Stoppard's fish tank
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 13:35, 3 replies)

I had a threesome with Cerys Matthews and Shirley Manson.
It was ace. Proper filthy, they both were, and into trying everything.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 13:31, 4 replies)

Tenousity
I have a friend in meeja.

Celebrity: He once had to squeeze past Kylie Minogue!
Scandal: and saw the unpublishable picture of Debbie McGee.
Royalty! A friend of his was bollock cupped by Phil the Greek.

Despite increasing tenuosity, these are all true.

However, my personal claim to fame is not only helping Danni Minogue to pass her bike test, but giving her boyfriend of the time, Jacque Villeneuve, some driving advice. (Double Celebrity!)

I never realised my life was so significant.
(badmiker, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 13:23, Reply)

My wife was on 'Beat the Teacher'
An 80s quiz show on Children's BBC (check it out).

She said she didn't do very well, but Howard Stableford was quite nice. The odd thing is that I loved Beat the Teacher and watched it all the time, so I must have seen my wife about 20 years before I actually met her!

/fate
(Jimbojames Wishing every day could be like today, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 13:21, 7 replies)

I once saw Alexei Sayle in the northbound car park of Keele Services on the M6.
It was 2009. He was deep in conversation with a posh looking middle aged woman so I didn't ask him to sign my copy of Geoffrey The Tube Train And The Fat Comedian, which would have been a waste of time since I lent it to a friend's brother in 1991 and I've never seen it again. That friend's brother ended up marrying the sister of a vaguely famous Greek guitarist.
( brb homonecrobatrachophile, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 13:06, Reply)

Not me, unfortunately
A bunch of us were at a gig in The Krazy House in Liverpool.

Can't for the life of me remember who it was, but I have a feeling it was someone like Biohazard.

Whoever it was, the support act was Placebo, who were alright, at best.

While the main act was on, the lead singer of Placebo decided he wanted to occupy the space my mate Emma was stood in. Emma was not having this, she wanted to see the band, she'd picked her spot at the front and wasn't moving. But Mr Molko (I've just had to google that) wanted that spot.

After a little bit of pushing and shoving, Emma got sick of this and and smacked him in the face. He went down like a sack of shit. And stayed down.

We all laughed and pointed.
(ScousersPet, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 12:56, 1 reply)

No not Duke, but this guy who used to appear with his quartet on 'The Goon Show'
Many moons ago this guy
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ncxjt5CADzM
pulled up in his Jaguar car, stuck his head through the window and asked us for directions."Hey man, can you tell me the way to _____" My bro gave him directions. He thanked us then as he pulled away we spotted the reg.no.of The Jag, RE1. I think I was about 10 at the time. My bro recognized him but I had no idea who he was and I suppose he is all but forgotten now.
(Mackeson_drinker, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 12:54, Reply)

Who is that fat bastard?
I was stood outside the World's End in Camden, while thoroughly twatted off my face on massive drugs.

I was desperately clinging onto a railing to avoid floating away when I spotted Alexi Sale walking towards me.

I caught his eye and he did a bit of a "oo fuck, he's recognised me, he's going to talk to me, look away! Look away!" thing.

As he was passing me, I went "hey! you're .... erm... you're that... errrr" mostly because I couldn't remember his damn name. He started to say "Yeah, I'm..." when I shouted "Benito Mussolini!"

he burst out laughing and said "Yeah mate, but if you smnack me in the face for invading Crete, I won't be happy"

He then saw my predicament (I was proper fucked) and offered to pay for a taxi. I refused and he went about his merry way.

Once he got a couple of yards away, I shouted "Fascist!" in my best "Neil" voice and he turned round and flicked me the Vs...
(ScousersPet, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 12:45, Reply)

Once when I was a courier ....
I had to howff a vanload of original Samuel Peploe paintings up to a fourth floor storage facility in Edinburgh. I dropped one and the edge of the stair bannister went right through the canvas.

In case you're wondering, if I had owned it and sold it I probably would have been able to retire on the proceeds.
( Ramsay Tupper, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 12:42, 1 reply)

Unacceptable dessert
I sent a creme brulee made by Gordon Ramsey back, because it was a really unpleasant, luke-warm temperature. He came out to ask me why I'd sent it back, tried it and then agreed with me.

he was really nice, we had a chat about cooking and decent kitchen knives and he went back to the kitchen.

He didn't call me a fucker or anything.
(ScousersPet, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 12:35, 1 reply)

In a different class
You know the Pulp "Different Class" album? If you remember when it came out, the album sleeve had various pictures you could swap around on the cover.

There's one where it's a girl in a schoolgirl uniform, leaning against a fance and talking to an Asian lad.

Know the one?

I've snogged her. Nothing more, unfortunately, just a snog in a dark corner of a club.
(ScousersPet, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 12:32, 3 replies)

Just for a joke, related to a conversation on off topic
I suggested Sheds as a subject for QOTW.
There is no way I could have predicted the ensuing chaos and continuing upset caused by it.
Numerous steppings, closed down questions and a mention of it everytime the vote for a new topic comes around.
It was a shit joke anyway.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 12:26, Reply)

Just back from hols
so I didn't realise the idea was to list all the tenuous claims you could.

[rolls up sleeves]

My cousin, when she was a barrister, got Phil Lynott's charge of drug trafficking reduced to possession, and got a crate of champagne as a thank you.

Baby Spice went to the same primary school as me.

Another cousin of mine (journo at the Beeb) sits opposite Jeremy Paxman.

When I worked at Kew Gardens, Sir Richard Attenborough once walked (mistakenly) into the office I worked in, apologised and walked out again. In a previous role at the Kew Gardens cafe, I served the Communards with tea and sandwiches.

My uncle wrote the first book on wave energy back in 1979, and was a lifelong friend of Micheal Foot. I met Foot at my uncle's funeral in 2004.

When I was about 10 or 11, I'd gone to Hampstead Heath with a friend, when we chanced on boxing legend John Conteh with his wife and kids having a picnic and we played a game of football with him - top bloke.

Another cousin of mine was at college with the bloke that designed the 'flip seat', those things you get at bus-stops.

After that, they start to get really tenuous.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 12:02, 2 replies)

My mates were married by one of the girls from 'Kevin and Perry go large'

(Ol' Ginger Bastard a role model for the children, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 11:48, Reply)

Banged a weather girl.
Due to some fortunate geography I grew with a current sky weather girl. We went out for a few months before both going to seperate unis and never really speaking again.

Not really interesting. BUT I do get to bring it up when people mention how pretty she is. Victims of this include my dad, mums new partner, brother, numerous ex girlfriends(who didn't even mention it) and my nan.

So basically, I'm a braggart. But then if you knew what this girl was like you would too.
(skgorsky, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 11:42, 5 replies)

Damnation of Faust
A couple of years ago my employer was just about to announce a joint project with the ex-Python turned director Terry Gilliam. We have a large meeting room roughly twenty feet away from where I'm sat right now, where the great man and our creative team were putting am opera together.

I've bumped into him a few times around our corridors and have exchanged hellos with him, which is very difficult to do when you feel an impulse to give in to a Wayne's World type moment. Anyway, back to the story.

A couple of our technical team members turned up and were a tad miffed at having no suitable venue to hold their meeting.

"Nothing's booked on the schedule. Just who the fuck is in there anyway?" one of them asked me.

"Terry Gilliam" I replied.

Sensing my opportunity I dropped the obvious follow up.

"And he's a very naughty boy".
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 25 Sep 2012, 11:36, Reply)

It amuses me somewhat ....
to know that while your average Sunday morning pub league or 5-a-side footballers will never play alongside Messi, Kaka, Cristiano Ronaldo et al, I've raced, amongst other marathon greats, Martin Lel, Wilson Kipsang, Haile Gebrselassie, Paula ... the list goes on.

I didn't beat any of them.
( Ramsay Tupper, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 11:29, Reply)

Use the force
I had a summer job as a relief driver for ParcelForce. I delivered two dozen crocus bulbs to Sir Alec Guinness. He signed the delivery docket. He wrote some unintelligible old person scrawl. It definitely did not say Obi Wan Kenobi.
(se8card, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 11:29, 1 reply)

Tony Blair lives behind my fridge, and tells me to do bad things.
The only way to stop him sometimes is for me to scream as loud as I possibly can.

No wonder so many people don't like him.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 11:21, Reply)