The Stupid Client Trilogy (TM)
01. My first full time job was working for a certain well-known video rental chain. I worked there for three years, during which time I found out to my horror that the moronic customers portrayed in the Kevin Smith movie "Clerks" were, in fact, real. And all of them had memberships. Examples of customer-based stupidity were:

CUST - "Do you have any copies of (insert latest popular video title here)? I don't see any on the shelves."
ORIN - "I'm sorry, sir, we don't."
CUST - "Why not?"
ORIN - "I'm afraid they've all been rented, sir."
CUST - "Why?"
ORIN - "Well, because it's a very popular title, sir, and because it's friday night, so a lot of people want to rent movies."
CUST - "This is ridiculous! Why haven't you got enough copies for everybody?"
ORIN (trying to ignore the sheer idiocy of this statement) - "Unfortunately we only have limited shelf space, sir."
CUST - "Oh, don't be stupid! You should stock one copy for every customer!"
ORIN - "I'll pass your suggestion on, sir."

My favourite was the woman who slapped down her video on the counter and said "I want my money back!"

ORIN - "Why is that, madam?"
CUST - "Well, it was AWFUL! I never thought it would be so violent!"
ORIN (looks at video) - "Micheal Collins??!"
CUST - "Yes?
ORIN - Madam, this film, as it clearly states on the cover, is the story of the founding of the IRA. You know, the infamous terrorist group?"


02. My very next job was working for the now-defunct Tiny Computers (don't believe that crap about Tiny and Time merging, they bought us out and made the entire company - including directors - redundant in order to obtain the logo to slap on their own substandard machines). If you want to see a full list of stupid technical questions you can head over to the Computer Stupidities website, but I will give you one tasty example:

"There's a problem with my CDROM drive. The drive is putting jam on my CDs."

Despite the gentleman admitting that he had young children who ate jam sandwiches whilst playing with the pc unsupervised, he still insisted it was our hardware that was at fault. Muppet.


03. And finally... I recently walked out of the worst job that I've ever had -- doing admin for an allegedly charitable housing association. I used to field calls from the tenants, who were generally all ex (or current)drug-addicts or alcoholics, or just were single parents with about a million kids. I still think my favourite query was this one from one recovering addict:

CUST - "I've lost my house keys and locked myself out of the house. I need someone to come down here and let me in."
ORIN - "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't keep copies of the house keys. That house is your home, and we don't have the right to enter at will."
CUST - "Well, what the F**K am I supposed to do now?"
ORIN (after conflab with idiot manager) - "I'm afraid that you will have to contact a locksmith, sir."
CUST - "And who's going to pay for this?"
ORIN -"The expense will be yours, I'm afraid."
CUST - "WHAT??!! How the F**K am I supposed to pay for that when I don't get my benefit until monday???!"
ORIN - "Have you got somebody you can stay with in the meantime?"
CUST - "Well, luckily I can get in and out."
ORIN - "How?"
CUST - "Well, I kicked the door in."
ORIN - "Then you'll need to pay for repais on the door as well, sir."
CUST - "G(T%*(£%(*&%£(*"%(!!!!!!" etc, etc.

Why do these people take out their anger on me when it's caused by their own stupidity?
(Orin delurked to post this gibberish on, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 13:48, Reply)