LONDON
FOOD
Apart from the great British institutions of McDonalds, Burger King, Dunkin Doughnuts and Kentucky Fried Chicken (of which there are at last count nearly one million franchises infesting the map of the capital like suppurated puss-filled, HIV-infected boils), you’ve essentially got two choices when it comes to a meal: Concept food that’s so incredibly pretentious and expensive, designed and created by some fella named Oli from the Home Counties, and so incredibly deviod of taste you’d rather eat the cutlery. Or jellied eels, which is essentially the same taste you get when you find a used condom on the street, pick it up, knock off the flies and dogshit, and knock it back in one go as if you’re slamming a tequila.

TRAVEL
To own a car in London you need a wad of cash large enough to club a wilderbeast to death with just to be able to afford the parking alone. You also need to go to Tibet for seven years intensive training in the buddist arts, so when you come back the fact that you’ll be stuck in a traffic jam for at least eight hours a day will wash over you like a fine jasmine-scented mountain waterfall. You won’t even mind when a cabbie (usually named Derek or Del or Dezza), raps on your window and suggests you’re mother gave birth to you out of wedlock. You will simply smile back scerenely, wind down you’re window and as politely as possible suggest he: “Goes and fucks his own mother.”

Alternatively you could try the tube. The tube is the best, quickest, and most efficient way to be sexually molested by a complete stranger in the known universe. If you’ve been wedged into a cramped tube carriage for longer than five minutes without having your bollocks jangled by some weird looking ladyboy from Brazil, you’ll receive a full refund on your fare when you reach your destination. Also, you stand a very high chance of being shot in the head by one of the members of our fine boys in blue if you look “a bit shifty or Arabic.” Note: If you are a shifty looking cunt of Arabic ethnicity I suggest you walk instead.

Or how about a black cab? These are fine as long as you’re willing, able, and prepared to listen to a complete stranger (the driver) advise you about his wife’s affair, the fact his daughter’s picked up an STD from a toilet seat at school (likely fucking story), or that all those damn blacks should fuck off back to their own country, within the time it takes to close the fucking door and tell him where you want to go. And when you arrive at your destination you’ll be rewarded with a fare so large it’d put most thirdworld countries national debt to shame.

RECREATION
The main past time for Londoners is gathering in hot, sweaty, pretentious gastropubs to talk about how fucking great they are and where they’re going to go ski-ing next season. Alternatively, if you want to ‘get down with the kids’, I’d recommend a trip down to Brixton, Hackney, or Holloway where you can play dodge the bullets and guess the brand of handgun with the colourful locals. If shoppings your thing you can play the Oxford Street bingo game. This is when you count how many rude fuckers slam into you and then tell you to “fuck off, you fucking cunt”, in the space of five minutes. The world record stands at 112 (though technically this was cheating, the person who achieved this record was registered blind).

ART & CULTURE
There’s loads n loads of museums and galleries where you get to celebrate all things British by see loads and loads of stuff looted from the four corners of the globe. Highlights include:
THE NATIONAL GALLERY - Great if you’ve got a fetish for naked fat chicks (and this is just the nutjobs who hang round outside, not the art).

TATE MODERN – If you like walking round pointing and laughing and going: “Some cunt BOUGHT this piece of shit?” Then this is the place for you.

IMPERIAL WAR MUSEUM – Actually very good. You get given a gun, a whistle, and a reusable johnny and instructions to: “Find and kill one of them damn Germans,” from the the old boy who hads out the leaflets at the door. Though its not particularly clear if – when you find Jerry – you should shoot him, deafen him, or fuck him to death.

NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM – What better way to celebrate nature and all things natural than trawling through a great big old building filled to the brim with millions of stuffed dead animals.

LONDONERS
Londoners can be divided into several distinct groups: Australians, South Africans, New Zealanders, Italians, and the French. Everyone who lives in London knows everyone else, you can't leave your front door and pop to the cornershop to get a pint of milk without having to stop and talk to at least twenty helpful, pleasant, good-mannored neighbours. In fact its a place filled with so much positive energy and love its mandatory to meet up on the second Thursday of every month in Regent's Park, strip naked, and fuck a complete stranger...

...(well, at least that's what the bloke with scraggly beard and the stench of piss told me last time I was down that way. I declined his offer, of course - I'm not stupid enough to have unprotected sex with strange 'sons of the earth' under a tree in a park - I sucked him off instead...)...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 17:04, 9 replies)

Ha! More classic Spanky (I guessed it was you after a few lines)
Jokes aside, the comment about the Natural History museum is very accurate. I visited Sydney a few weeks back and decided to get some Oz culture by visiting the New South Wales Museum. Like you said, what better way to celebrate a countrys fauna than looking at dead specimins of them. I was quite depressed by the end.

If theres something more depressing than a dusty stuffed and mounted flaming galah, I dont want to know about it!
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 17:12, closed)

The tube is the best, quickest, and most efficient way to be sexually molested by a complete stranger in the known universe
You should know, eh? Hope you at least shout "Surprise!"...
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 17:16, closed)

Especially liked this !
TATE MODERN – If you like walking round pointing and laughing and going: “Some cunt BOUGHT this piece of shit?” Then this is the place for you.
(Emily H, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 17:21, closed)

Tears in my eyes over this
clicks for you and thanks ! ! ! !
(Dark Light, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 17:30, closed)

This must have been written by someone who's never actually been to London
Except for the bit about cars, that's the biggest heap of bollocks I've ever read.
( chenobble rocking his explorer beard on, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 18:58, closed)

Jellied Eels
I made the mistake of taking a sip of water just before I read the rest of that sentence. Bas-tad!

*click*
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 16 Oct 2009, 16:08, closed)

I agree with so much of this...

it's these very points that almost permanently put me off london...

However. my fondness for the place was restored after a b3ta bash a year or so ago..

I hope to meet you at one sometime soon.

Until, then. have this click for some brilliantly written stuff.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Fri 16 Oct 2009, 17:51, closed)

The tube is the best, quickest, and most efficient way to be sexually molested by a complete stranger in the known universe.
I almost choked laughing at this ya git

*clicky*
(panda_sam, Sat 17 Oct 2009, 21:06, closed)

Don't leave town yet ...
... I doubt your country living stories would be half as good - well except for the one about giving the farmer next door a hand with inseminating his sheep.

Hang in there!
(Biff..., Wed 21 Oct 2009, 15:37, closed)