A sweet tale from my childhood
When I was very young I spent most summer holidays on my uncle's farm. There was a whole crowd of children: cousins, friends and hangers-on. One year, when I was 8 or 9, the crowd included the lovely Susan. A schoolfriend of my cousin, she was around the same age and, to my eyes at least, utterly beautiful. I was head-over-heels smitten, as only a young child can be, and when I was in her presence I was reduced to a gibbering, staring, bright-red wreck.

One day, when Susan wasn't there, someone asked me why I never spoke to her. "Because she's too beautiful" I blurted out, in front of the dozen or so children standing around. The farmyard went silent: the cows stopped mooing, the hens stopped cackling, time seemed to stop.

Everyone stared at me, until eventually someone asked, "What did you just say?" My face burning, heart pounding, I said "Because she's annoying and I don't like her." Amazingly everyone seemed to accept that I had said this: I don't think they could believe what I'd said originally as it was so unexpected. "No she's not," said someone; "yes she is," said someone else. They all started arguing, then we went off to throw stones in the pond, or something. Susan wasn't there after that.

Epilogue
I met Susan again, years later, at my cousin's 21st birthday party. It was a barn dance and she was still beautiful: I plucked up courage to ask her to dance, and we were partners all night. There's nothing like getting hot and sweaty in a barn with a load of drunk farmers. But after this occasion I've never seen her again. Sniff.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:34, 6 replies)

I was accosted by a bloke collecting for The Alzheimers Society on my way home one evening.
So I said 'I donated this morning. At least I think I did. You know what, I can't remember'.


(This QOTW has become 'things I didn't really say to chuggers' hasn't it?)
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:08, 91 replies)

Sometimes ... just sometimes ... a conversation really should be killed before on of the participants commits intellectual suicide.
www.b3ta.com/questions/conversationkillers/post1205870

If anybody has a bright idea how to dig this idiot out of a hole ... I don't know ... something hilarious about funerals ... anything ... please throw it in here. Consider it a mercy killing.
( Dr. Shambolic Minister for Sport for Papua New Guinea, Thu 19 May 2011, 0:04, 50 replies)

Gertrude
My mother, sister, aunt and I were discussing unusual names we know and their abbreviated monikers. My mum knew of two ladies, a mother and a daughter, who were both called Gertrude. My mum said,
"The mother got Gertie and the daughter got Trudie.......

........and the father got murdered."

Stunned silence followed by ripples of mirth then uncontrollable laughter.
(The Caped Avenger's other sidekick needs a lasagne, Wed 18 May 2011, 23:40, Reply)

Chugger
I was accosted by yet another charity mugger in Sutton high street after I left the supermarket. He was wearing a puffa jacket with 'POVERTY' written across the back in big silver letters. He asked me if I thought about all the poor families who can't afford groceries. I told him the truth - my luxurious groceries consisted of some apples and 18p 'smart price' pasta because at work - after a three year pay freeze - we were told that morning that not only was our pay review cancelled, but to expect 40% of our department to be made redundant in the next three months (around 20 people).

He looked like a stunned mullet, so I walked away. Twat.
(Supermonkey, Wed 18 May 2011, 22:37, 4 replies)

G-g-g-gobsmacked
Quite a few years back now I was lounging on the 662 out of Bradford, half-earwigging on the conversation of the teenage girls sitting on the seat behind. They were talking at the speeds only teenage girls can reach and hadn't drawn breath for the past half-hour.

"Yeah well, Gareth Gates has admitted he shagged Jordan now, it's in Heat n all"
"That'll be why 'er kids blind, innit"
"...."
(roszser, Wed 18 May 2011, 21:07, 1 reply)

Been Broached Before
This was touched upon in a reply to a response for the 'Random' QoTW t'other week, but thought it fits slightly into this week's garrulous gambit.

Early this year, three generations of AeroClubs - me, my son and my Dad - were in B&Q (a DIY chainstore for all non-UK QoTW-ers). We were in the queue (queuing, as one does when found in such situations) at the tills. We were having to wait as firstly someone had purchased something which didn't have a barcode on which necessitated a callout; bringing forth a teenage mouth-breathing employee who was tasked with finding the same product somewhere in the labyrinthine depths of the Hangar 18-like store. Then the next person decided to pay by cheque - you get the hold-up idea.

My Dad and my nipper were winding each other up in an amiable way as kids and Grandparents are wont to do. My Dad was doing the age-old "See that?" (holding up one hand) "That's the one you've got to watch!" and tapping him with the other hand. This went on for a minute or two before little 'un, trying to imitate my Dad, and getting slightly riled that he was being got the better of by someone more than 50 years his senior, suddenly spout forth the immortal phrase "Granddad, I'm gonna kick you in the bellend!"

Of course, children's volume levels never tend to be set to the lower end of the dial, and most of the assembled queuers as well as checkout staff heard this missive. Thus, the mixed looks of contempt, smiles, indifference and stifled laughter from the general public whilst we hung our heads in silence for the remainder of the transactional consummation of our visit...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 18 May 2011, 19:26, Reply)

GOD — don't be so english

(unicornflakes, Wed 18 May 2011, 16:12, 14 replies)

Boots Chemist
The one in Britain’s second city. (you can fight out amongst yourselves if you think it's Manchester or Birmingham)
Wandering round the perfume section with the ex on a busy Saturday when she was accosted by one of the trouser suited reps with more product on her face than on the counters. She spent a good couple of minutes trying to get the ex to buy some chemical shite they claim would reduce wrinkles, stop the aging process, cure cancer, find Maddie etc. I stopped listening as soon as she’d started her spiel as my focus wandered.
After the verbal diarrhoea had continued for a couple of minutes I didn’t let her pause but just spoke over her. “You do realise your fly’s open?”
Even with all that crap on her face she still blushed quite a colour.
(TitanLX, Wed 18 May 2011, 15:53, 5 replies)

I interviewed Vanilla Ice once
In 2003. After 12 seconds of interviewing him, I didn't feel the need to continue.

Here is said interview: soundcloud.com/freegiant/vanilla-ice-quickest-interview

/edit: NSFW because of a swear word, btw.
( intesvensk to defeat Internet you must become Internet (cats), Wed 18 May 2011, 15:49, 5 replies)