We had some leftover chili in the fridge
and my wife at the time decided that she wanted a bowl. I heard her clattering around in the kitchen for a moment, then she headed for the bathroom.

From the kitchen came a rapid popping sound. I called out, "Hey, are you making popcorn?" And then I smelled it.

Every goddam bean had ruptured, and as she had left it uncovered the inside was now coated with rusty brown stucco.

Glad I didn't have to clean that up...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sat 30 Jun 2012, 23:42, 4 replies)

When I was young and stupid
and had absolutely no money, I lived on things like Kraft macaroni and cheese, as one does. My girlfriend and I were getting quite tired of this, and she had the idea of mixing things into it. Sounded reasonable to me, so she went to the store and got a couple of cheap cans of tuna.

It actually tasted reasonably good, but god the smell... it was like Beth Ditto and Courtney Love had a frenzied night...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sat 30 Jun 2012, 23:29, Reply)

One of my dad's recipes ..
Ingredients:
- 1 old cheese. Not the roquefort kind but the yellow kind. It should be ripe to the point that civilizations have developed on the surface and are sending radio signals to see if they are alone in the universe.
- Chopped almonds
- Whisky. Any will do.

Mix and stir in a jar until it turns into a smooth and strongly odeured spread. Seal the jar.

Use on bread. It smells better that you would think and as an extra bonus you'll get little burps for hours, restoring the taste to your mouth.
(spinoza, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 23:06, 1 reply)

When I feel like cooking up a storm I like to make a dish I call the Hurricane. It's a recipe for disaster.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 22:50, Reply)

's nice
Shepherd's Pie. But instead of mince and carrots and that, bung in chilli con carne under the mash.
(NorwegianLube Erm..., Sat 30 Jun 2012, 21:53, 2 replies)

Breakfast Burrito
Fed up of a fry up on a Sunday morning?
Seems impossible I know.
BUT, I do this from time to time and it's bloody lush.
It's dead easy to make.
I usually always have cheese, eggs, a big fuck off jar of jalapenos, and bits of veg going off in the bottom of the fridge. So when I remember to get a few other bits, these are ace.
Get some chorizo, and fry small chunks of it in oil, till it all goes red and gooey in the pan. Throw in bits of onion and pepper or any bits of veg you have left over from the weekend. You can use chopped up cold potato too if you have some.
Add fresh chilli, or flakes/powder, or some from a jar and make it as hot as you want.
Fry it up.
Add to this, a couple of eggs for each person, scramble it all together, into a steamy hot mess.
Pile some into the center of a wrap/tortilla, grate some cheese over it, top with more chilli's.
Make it into a big burrito of steamy breakfast goodness and eat.
Experiment, there is no set recipe, it's bloody worth it.
Of course keeping with the good old British breakfast tradition, I also eat mine with tomato sauce.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 21:47, 10 replies)

3 simple step for cooking up something mind blowing.
Ingredients - ephedrine (or pseudoephedrine), iodine, ether, sodium hydroxide, red phosphorus, and hydrochloric acid.

Tools - plastic jars with lids, coffee filters, an eyedropper, a funnel, and a coffee pot.

1. Start by taking Sudafed (which has pseudoephedrine as its active ingredient) and crush it into a powder. The powder is then dissolved into the ether and then coffee filters are used to separate the liquid from a white sludgy material (which is thrown out). After being evaporated in a coffee pot, what remains is a pure form of pseudoephedrine, which is close to crystal meth by itself.

2. Your new solution will then be cooked for several hours with red phosphorus, iodine, and hydrochloric acid. After the mixture is cooled down, it is once again filtered and then made into a base using sodium hydroxide. Ether is used for a second time as a solvent, and after evaporating the ether, methamphetamine is left. All that is left now is making the methamphetamine into crystals, which is why it is called crystal meth.

3. Crystal meth is then created by bubbling hydrochloric acid gas into the container that has the methamphetamine inside. This material is then filtered for a last time, and the crystals collect on the filter itself. You know have crystal meth in your possession.
(shezam slouching towards nirvana., Sat 30 Jun 2012, 21:29, 17 replies)

i had this yesterday
stir-fried tiger prawns and squid with spicy dressing, served with salad.
you will need:

1 medium squid, sliced into chunks
about 8 raw tiger or king prawns
olive oil
half a teaspoon crushed ginger
1 tablespoon soy sauce
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
1 teaspoon chilli flakes
mixed salad

mix together the olive oil, chilli, garlic, ginger and soy sauce in a bowl. add sliced squid and prawns. stir and leave to marinate for half an hour.
heat a non-stick pan and toss in the squid, prawns and marinade. as it has olive oil in it, you won't need oil in the pan. stir vigorously for about 2 minutes, or until the prawns turn pink. the squid will be cooked by then, too. arrange mixed salad on a plate, then add the squid and prawns. use the marinade as a salad dressing, it'll have all that lovely fishy, spicy taste in it.
eat quickly, before the seafood gets cold.
trust me, it's delicious!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 20:45, 2 replies)

Scaffolder's Breakfast
Cheese on eggs on beans on toast.

Cheese should be those cheap cheese slices.

Eggs - fried. Should NOT be free range and should be cooked so the yolks are soft.

Beans should NOT be Heinz. Cheap brands such as aldi, lidl etc

Toast. The Bread used should be white, thick sliced and cheap.

Once assembled, the whole thing should be blasted with a blow torch for a few seconds to melt the cheese into the egg.
(Shashi, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 20:41, Reply)

I was made for this QOTW...
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 19:48, 1 reply)

Malteaser crunch.
You will need:

100g Milk Chocolate
100g Butter
200g Crushed Digestive Biscuits
200g Maltesers ( Leave a dozen aside for the top )
3 tbsp Golden Syrup
200g-300g White Chocolate

What to do:

Grease and line a swiss roll tin.
Melt together the milk chocolate, butter and syrup. (I use a microwave but keep an eye on it, too long and you’ll make the chocolate go grainy and eww)
Add crushed biscuits and whole Maltesers to chocolate mix.
Press into tin and place in fridge to chill.
When mix is firm, melt the white chocolate and pour on top. Finally crush up the left over Maltesers and sprinkle on top.

This should make a good size batch of about 20-30 depending on how you cut it up (which is easier if you leave it in the fridge for an hour or two first), don't make the pieces too big because a little goes a long way. Very sweet but moreish..

There’s no reason you couldn’t substitute some of the Malteasers for mini-marshmallow or maybe some raisins.

You could also change the Malteasers entirely for Crunchie bars!
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 19:21, Reply)

Magic Recipe
Ingredients:

Long grass
Garlic
Basil
Pine nuts
Olive oil

Instructions:

Thresh the grass and throw the seeds away. Put the stalks in a low oven to dry them thoroughly. While that's happening, crush the garlic, chop the basil and pine nuts put them in a jar with the olive oil, screw down the lid and shake well.

Take the grass out of the oven and arrange on a serving plate. Drizzle over the sauce. And ...

Hay Pesto!
(ubergeekian, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 19:08, 3 replies)

Dry meat or pulled pork that is the question.
Nom for both. But which would win, theres only one way to find out............
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 18:48, Reply)

Easy gooey dessert
1 deli wrap/tortilla wrap
1 light toffee yoghurt
Chocolate spread

Spread the chocolate spread on the wrap, then a big tablespoon of yoghurt, then roll it up. You can make about 20 from 1 pot of Muller Light, and it takes about a minute. They're delicious, but they WILL drip if not folded right.

My housemates have christened it the "What the hell are you eating?" Which I feel has a certain ring to it...
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 18:38, 5 replies)

a light meal with a robust and charming rustic feel
first prepare your kitchen work tops, by clearing all the old pieces of toast scat hair and bits of pot noodle .
next, we will take some of the ingredients that we have bought from the polish shop, and because we cant read polish we will leave them in the back of the cupboard.
now in the cupboard did you see that pile of cornflakes and pieces of rice with what could be a mouse turd?
yes thats the one, no we dont use the mouse turd, but we will need the rice that tin at the back with no label on.
so haveing prepared the work top and got some idea of the
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 17:27, 3 replies)

Spatula
I once melted a plastic spatula in to a pan of cooking chicken with fajita spices. Just around half a centimetre from the tip of said spatula, but still - a gacky mess of plastic. I carried on cooking and served it up to my then boyfriend. We're not together any more.
( Bathory, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 17:01, Reply)

Face of tramp
will suffice if you get the munchies and haven't got anything in. Or on.
(Haywood Manley, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 16:53, Reply)

Camp surprise
Going camping? Get everyone to purchase one tin can of food of their choice prior to the trip - it is entirely up to you whether you include the "no pet food" policy - and remove the label on the can.

On a chosen night, everything goes into one pan. Heat through and eat. Alcohol may be required, as might disposal facilities.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 16:11, Reply)

Ham n Banananana
Toasted Ham n Banananana done in one of there them sandwich makers.
Now toasted ham sandwiches are okish, Toasted bananana are yuck, but put them together they are lush. Sweet n salty at the same time.


Also try tomato sauce and salad cream sandwiches or blood and puss as we call them.
(Captain Spacker I lick windows, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 15:12, 4 replies)

Fairly simple sponge mix.
125g self-raising flour
125g butter
125g caster sugar
2 eggs
2 tablespoons of milk.

Cream the butter and sugar together, add one egg and a spoon of flour and mix together, add your second egg and another spoon of flour and combine. At this point you can add any flavourings you want, I always use a bit of Vanilla extract but you could use lemon/orange zest and juice, etc.

Sift in the rest of the flour and beat together gently, add the spoons of milk to loosen the mixture and then split between 2 cake tins (for a thin sponge, ideal for trifles or more dainty sandwich sponges.) or use one tin for a thicker sponge, I've even doubled the mixture and split into 2 for a massive cake. Bake in the oven.

Best sponge ever. Nice yellow colour to the sponge (good eggs help this), amazing texture and it develops a nice sort-of crust. You can use it for cupcakes too. I've added white choc chips, lemon curd and icing, cocoa powder, jam, dust with icing sugar etc. Easiest thing ever yet makes you seem like a pro baker. Keeps my little one happy and earns me bonus points with the ladies I work with.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 15:05, 2 replies)

Totally just made a sandwich here.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 13:45, 15 replies)

Coffee.
Last October, a change in my circumstances meant I had to stop buying my coffee on the way to work every morning, and start making my own. I bought a French press, and got on with it.

There was a problem, though. My coffee went from being lovely strong, slightly bitter life giving black gold to wishy washy tasteless bland shit.

This week I decided to do something about it, and bought one of these www.amazon.co.uk/Kitchen-Craft-LeXpress-Espresso-Coffee/dp/B0001IX008/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1341056638&sr=8-5 I think they're called coffee makers.

Now my coffee is lovely again, and it uses much less coffee than the French press. It's win win. So fuck you, you stupid French Frenchies.

And all you lovely people here, buy a coffee maker.

Edit: I didn't buy the one I linked to. I bought a six cup one on the high street. The first time I used it, I filled up the grits compartment thing all the way, and felt a bit funny from the caffeine overload. Now, I just fill it half way.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 12:49, 8 replies)

Zingy Courgettes And Sheets Of Ricepaper Soup
Serves 2

You will need:
2 sheets of ricepaper
10ml mint sauce
1 onion
4 courgettes
60ml orange juice

Instructions:
1.pre-heat the oven to 220 C
2.grill the sheets of ricepaper
3.defrost the orange juice
4.barbeque the courgettes
5.whisk the courgettes
6.heat the courgettes in the saucepan
7.spoon the sheets of ricepaper onto a warmed plate
8.eat the sheets of ricepaper
9.fry the mint sauce
10.whisk the onion
11.bake for 50 minutes and serve hot
( Zuowan, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 12:20, 2 replies)

On a camping trip with mates, aged 16
I couldn't get the stove to work so I ate a raw pot noodle.
( PMGT -Bacon., Sat 30 Jun 2012, 11:59, 1 reply)

The neighbours kids
used to rave about their mum's "beef special", turns out it's plain 2 minute noodles with a beef stock cube added.This was their favourite meal...the best that mum ever made. Her parenting skills weren't any better, her kids were later removed by Dept of Child Safety, no surprises there, I saw inside her house once, it was like those ones you see on telly that are so filthy and cluttered with garbage they feature on current affairs shows.
(M61A1 CUPID- STUNTS, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 11:49, 2 replies)

Boigas.
Take:

a large packet o' mince
a whole onion, see?
3 oxo qubes
two big spoons o' bovril
Paprika
salt n pepa

Chop the onion into bits, depending on if you like boigas with chunky bits of onion in or not. I do. So should you.

Stick the whole lot into a big mixing bowl and punch it for about 15 minutes. Eventually all the meat and onions and bovril and shit turns into a big meaty, bovrilly blob. Every time I make this, I'm tempted to just put it in the oven like this and make one huge fucking meat slab.

But, alas:

Shape into burger-sized boigas. Or meatballs. Whatever. I occasionally make them into phallic shapes.

Line a baking tray with foil and then rub sesame oil all over it. It has to be sesame oil. Anything else is inferior, and it gives a slightly nutty flavour which is awesome.

Cook on the highest heat your oven can do for about 20 minutes, turning over when the top side is browned off.

Put between bread, then apply bread to face via the mouth.

Chew using an up and down motion of the jaw until mastication takes place. Then, using the throat, swallow for nutrition.

Repeat until satisified.

Boigas.
( PMGT -Bacon., Sat 30 Jun 2012, 11:42, 5 replies)

Paneer Makhani
This is a fantastic Punjabi curry, and is very quick and easy to make! Once you've made it a couple of times, you can have it ready in about 30 mintues. If you've never tried cooking curries from scratch, this is quite a good place to start as you can't go too far wrong! I'm veggie so I use paneer, but you can use chicken if you're feeling meat-starved.

Ingredients:

1 block of paneer* cubed (or some chicken, however much you would normally use for a curry)
1 red onion - diced
1 chunk of ginger - minced (I go for about a 1 and a half inch cube sort of size - not sure how else to describe it...)
2-4 cloves of garlic - minced
500g creamed tomatoes
2 tsp kasturi methi (can be found in any good Asian supermarket)
2 bay leaves
2 tsp cumin seeds
2 cloves
1 tsp black mustard seeds
5 crushed cardamom pods
2 tsp coriander powder
1/2 tsp fenugreek seeds
2 tsp chilli powder (depending on how spicy you like it, personally I go with less as I like to taste the ginger and my chilli powder is bastard hot...)
2 tsp garam masala
1 tsp honey
1 tsp salt
125ml single cream
Butter
Oil

Heat equal amounts of oil and butter in a frying pan (I guess about 1 tablespoon of each ish). Gently fry the paneer until it is just starting to turn a little golden and then remove from the pan and dunk in a bowl of cold water and leave it there for now.

Heat some more oil and butter and add the clove, cumin seeds, fenugreek seeds, mustard seeds and bay leaves and toast for a while until the mustard seeds pop, the cumin starts to break up and the fenugreek seeds are a little golden. Add the onion, ginger and garlic and gently sautee until the onion starts to turn golden. Add the kasturi methi, cardamom, chilli, garam masala, and coriander, and keep stirring until you have a rich dark paste (if it all starts to stick, just chuck in a splash of water and keep stirring). Once you are happy with this, pour in the creamed tomato and add the salt and honey. Keep stirring and simmer for about 15 minutes. Add the cream and paneer, cover, and simmer for a further 5 minutes.

Eat, and enjoy!



*You can normally find paneer in supermarkets. Sainsbury's keep it in the cheese aisle under their 'recipe cheese' section. Alternatively, you can make your own!
( more balanced than jeremy beadle It wasn't me..., Sat 30 Jun 2012, 11:37, Reply)

Fresh potato
Get:

a potato
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 11:22, 5 replies)

Fresh pesto!
Get:

1 large bunch basil
1 small bunch coriander
1 red chilli
6 large cloves garlic
A handful of macadamia nuts
~70g parmesan cheese
Salt and pepper to taste

Wash and destem the herbs, roughly chop the chilli, garlic and cheese, chuck it all in a food processor and blend it together while drizzling in olive oil until it's nice and smooth. Cook up some penne, fry up some thinly sliced chicken breast, chorizo, mushrooms, red onion and green capsicum, then mix the pasta, meat and vegies together with a few spoonfuls of the pesto.

This is sure to impress your friends. If you don't have any friends, hey, at least you have a delicious meal.
(oball needs Satan more than he needs me, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 10:40, 1 reply)

eat your elbow
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 10:38, Reply)