TGI Fridays in Reading
It was somebody's birthday. The worst of the food was the 'battered prawns' that were tiny flecks of flesh in soggy batter chunks. A waitress spilled a drink over one of our table and then just wondered off. When the bill came it included drinks we hadn't ordered. When we complained they presented a new bill with some of the disputed drinks removed but a 20% service change added - on a £200 bill. So we didn't pay that or leave a tip, and I've never been back.

The annoying spiel that the waitresses have to recite and their infantile costumes are the icing on the cake.
(enile_snirkette, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 15:40, Reply)

Deep Pan Pizza Company ...
on Charing Cross Road a few years ago. Understaffed and shambolic on this particular night.
Big group of us had just been to see some film in Leicester Square and wanted some quick grub. Hmm, quick isn't the word you could use to describe what happenend. It took an hour to bring the starters, and when my "Vegetarian" pizza arrived it had pepperoni on it. When I enquired why the fuck that might be, I was told by the manager that they had run out of peppers so they put pepperoni on instead. Needless to say at this point I went absolute ballistic. There was quite a big group of us, and some of them had had just got their starters while some of the rest of the group were having their main course delivered. I explained that it was the worst service I'd ever experienced and that we wouldn't be paying for anything but the drinks we had consumed. And we didn't. People who had actually been delivered the right food ate it, we paid for the drinks and left.
It's an evening that's become kind of legendary with my friends because I'm a very placcid and laid back bloke normally and most people had never actually seen me that angry before. I think the manager was actually quite scared that I might cause him some physical harm.
Ended up going to Burger King in the end. Bollocks.
( brianftang www.brianftang.co.uk, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 15:38, Reply)

Little Chef
It's been a while since I've eaten in one, having hocked off my arm to pay for the last time....

Anyhoo.............

I used to work in a little chef many moons ago and I can reveal, having seen how the food is prepared and served that if any of you had eaten in the Little Chef in Holdingham/Sleaford (lincs) about 12 years ago, you would have had a crap meal out....

/crap story. Sorry!
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 15:37, Reply)

Chinese Chip Shops.
I was late home from work, not 2 weeks ago, when I got back to Sunny Blackpool, I had the wonderful idea of "OOOO I fancy Chips and Meat and Potato Pie, with tha yummy chinese chippy gravy on it"

Picks up said food, takes home, then scoffed the lot. 2 Hours later, I felt like I was the victim of a gang beating, I had the sweats, I was shitting like a FUCKING CUNTHORSE and I was basically dying.

I was on the bog for 3 days and lost about a stone, and I of all people dont need to lose weight.

Hope they enjoy the Health and Safety visit,, as it turns out I had food poisoning due to some sort of animal urine in the food.

CUNTS
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 15:35, Reply)

I went to Italy twice on a school trip
The second one was only a month ago.
Brilliant trip, only the (prearranged) suppers were a bit disappointing.

The first course was always some kind of delicious pasta, while the main course was some combination of meat and fries.

Wasn't too bad, albeit a bit bland, were it not for one evening, when they first served us a fish soup (which I declined due to being a fish hater),
followed by a cold fish schnitzel(i think?) with cold slices of potatoes.

While I sheepishly ate the nice warm omelette I had proquired from a helpful waitress, our psychology teacher went completely off her rocker, and had a nice bout of shouting against the hotel manager, aided by an equally furious Italian-speaking teacher.

The terrified staff cleared our tables of the cold-fish-disasters, and replaced them with spare pizza parts from the adjoining pizzeria (i.e. tomatoes, balls of mozarella, salami slices, and warm crispy triangles of pizza crust).

And there was much rejoicing.
(Caustic Armadillo consists at least 30% out of custard, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 15:31, Reply)

It's a bit of a chestnut
but several years ago, on a nice family sunday lunch out at a posh hotel nearby, I had got halfway through my chicken salad starter only to find a slug, still very much alive, on a half-eaten piece of lettuce.
The waiter told us that he was surprised, as the lettuce had been frozen (can you really freeze lettuce?) and washed.

Still. the puddings were free.

Incidentally, last year we went back again, and the man on the table next to us, eating alone, was dressed as hitler (complete with mustache, beige shirt and shorts, socks pulled up and side parting hair). He looked terrifyingly like der Fuhrer, I'll have to dig out the photo taken not-very-subtly on my phone.

Mod-Edit: Ooh, yes please. Stick it here instead of this edit :)
( Fishcat Difficult difficult lemon difficult., Thu 27 Apr 2006, 15:30, Reply)

My bro went out for an indian a while ago......
Finished his meal (Having chomped down a load of runner beans in one only to find out they're chillis!) and had a quick shoofty at the bill reveals they have over charged them. My brothers ingenious parity check was used to quickly add up the bill. He scans down adding up the pennies column and if it's correct he assumes the rest of the bill is too. He called the waiter over and asked him to check the bill. They brought it back, with a pound knocked off.

Amused me anyway
(Mr Bojangles Of London Town, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 15:23, Reply)

"Have you ever been to Harvester before?"
"Like I would make the same mistake twice?"

I have been to the horribly Australian themed TGI Friday's clone, called Outback or soemthing similar. The food was fine for what it was, but the theme-ing was relentless . The poor bloody staff were obviously forced to try and get you to order all sorts of stuff with stupid names rather than just say "Steak please".

It was really odd and felt very much like an British restaurant trying to seem like an American themed place with an Australian flavour. Why ffs? I'm told that Australian cuisine is really exciting, what with all the greek and asian influences so why make a glorified harvester into a mock ozzie bar.

Steak was nice but the kangaroo fries, or whatever 'fun' name they had, looked suspiciously like chips to me...
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 27 Apr 2006, 15:21, Reply)

I'm a bit cursed like this
I went into a different noodle chain (since defunct, thank god). I ordered a phad thai. (Yes, alright, I live in west London. It shows.)

What I got was a plate of overcooked rice noodles, covered in egg and drowned in lime juice. It was like eating rancid vomit.

I ate two mouthfuls, nearly threw up, then called the waitress over. She got the chef out - always good for a laugh, I guess most people chicken out at this point - who told me it's an authentic Thai recipe. Um, no. It's not. So how would you know?, he says.

"I'm Thai."

This, of course, is a blatant lie. I'm Anglo-Saxon top to toe. But the look of confusion was great, and being in a very PC-type area, he didn't have the balls to question why a little white girl was claiming to be from there, and I walked out without paying for my starter, main or drink.

A mate of mine who bought a burrito in Mexico City. She thought something tasted funny, and looked into the burrito. And realised she was eating COLD RAW CHICKEN. It hadn't even been so much as near a radiator. She had food poisoning for three days.

As a child, I was once sold a cheeseburger in Burger King with no burger in it. A 'cheese', if you will.

I have many more.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 15:20, Reply)

The Pharoah's Revenge
Ahh, Egypt. I hae a lovely time in Luxor, me.

Quite a few English people, after eating in Egypt, suffer from the trots at one level of severity or another. Nurse When had very mild trots, nothing at all serious.

Me? I was different. I got constipated. After a few days of roaming around tombs, temples and the swimming pool I began to feel somewhat uncomfortable - as you would not shitting for 72 hours. Nurse When duly toddled off to the local Pharmacy for me, whilst I lay on the bed with my guts hurting like hell. After the Pharmacist had gone out the back, rummaged in the back of a drawer, and blown the dust off a packet of laxatives Nurse When returned.

I took my pill and after a further day, and an ENORMOUS nutty floater, I was back to normal! With one day left of our week's holiday, I went out for a slap up meal to celebrate.

"One veal piccata, please, my good man."

Did I say "Veal Piccata" or "Veal Piccata, hold the Amoebic Dysentry?"

Five days and 10Kg later, I couldn't remember either.
( Doctor When May your wife shat and chipper, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 15:20, Reply)

Sweeny Todds in Bath
Great Pizzas - crap salad, as we went there on my 12 birthday and I found a red worm in my salad, cunts never even offered us a discount.

But we were young, and imtimidated by the post accentry of our surrounding and didn't want to make a fuss...my mum probaby thought.

The eaterie disappeared long ago...
(Rockster77, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 15:16, Reply)

I went to Pizza Express once - just once...
...on a night out with some friends in Liverpool - one of the lads was attempting to impress his exchange student girlfriend if memory serves. It did indeed have a slightly more classy air than the likes of Pizza Hut but it put out the most naff, flimsy, unappetizing, made-in-two-minutes shite I have ever had placed in front of me, starters included (garlic doughballs - turned out to be garlic-less doughbollocks). A bumper bag of overpriced wank, so it was - I'll take Pizza Hut anyday.

Another time, again in Liverpool, I, my brother and our respective partners accompanied my mam on one of her faculty do's, which was a meal in a posh restaurant local to the school. To start with, the faculty and guests occupied the entire upper floor of the place... except for our party and two others, who were told quite gruffly by the organiser that there was no room left upstairs (I checked, and there was ample room - other staff members even arrived after we did and were taken up there without so much as a murmur) and so instead we got coralled to a teeny-tiny table downstairs next to the door to the kitchen. Mum made the best of it as always, but as the meal went on, I found it more and more difficult to hide my affront. We were asked afterward if we wanted to go on to a club. Not giving my mum a chance to reply I asked 'Would that be with you?'.

'Yes, who else?' came the reply.

'So what will you do with us then? Lock us in the cloakroom? After this, I'm not going anywhere with you lot - I'd rather go somewhere I'm welcome.' The uppity bitch's face was a picture. Far from a reprimand, my mum got an apology from the organiser's year head the very next Monday, and was asked to pass the same to me. I was/am more annoyed that they did it to my mum than me - she was thier colleague after all, and had my mum been in charge of it she would have demolished walls to make sure everyone had a seat.

Another shite part of the evening of particular note though was the starter I ordered - a seafood salad. I'm not terribly sophisticated when it comes to cuisine so I was expecting prawns or something. No. What was put in front of me was the remains of a selection of the more mucus-membraneous life of the ocean and a small amount of designer salad - it was like chewing on flattened pencil erasers that had been marinated overnight in fish heads. Now I am a dedicated carnivore* but for the first time that night, I actually regretted that these things weren't still gambolling about in the ocean doing whatever it is they do, I dunno, harassing plankton or whatever rather than sitting on my plate. Which is pretty much all they did.

Suffice to say, I haven't been invited to any such faculty events since - stare and gasp at how gutted I'm not. No room. Stuck-up bunch of cunts.

* Gay blokes tend to avoid the phrase 'meat lover' in polite company :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 15:14, Reply)

Does room service count?
I was once staying in a hotel not far from Newcastle (named after the first American President, hint hint) and fancied a pizza. They had a "create your own" option so I rang down and asked for one with ham, pepperoni and pineapple, and two pints of Guinness to go with it. About half an hour later there was a knock at the door and there was my meal, hidden beneath an enormous silvery dome. I carried it to my table, had a sip of Guinness, and lifted the lid.

The pizza was about twelve inches across and you know how paracetamol tablets have that line across them so you can snap them? The pizza was divided in the same way, but half of it was canary yellow, the other pillar-box red, and it was completely and utterly flat on top - no raised lumps and bumps where the topping was. I stuck my knife in the red stuff, sniffed it and carefully gave it a lick. It was tomato ketchup. As for the yellow stuff I couldn't pierce it as it was a layer of cheese like linoleum, so I had to lift it. Beneath the cheese I found... three rashers of microwaved bacon.

Not wanting to send it back in case they gobbed on it or something I ate the unsullied rim, drank the Guinness, and dumped the tray outside.
(nasalhair The Twix guy!, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 15:10, Reply)

I Like This QOTW
So I'll be posting a few tales up on this subject.

As an IT contractor I've spent most of my working life away from home so I tend to eat out rather a lot. So this is the first of a few I'll post.

I worked in Liverpool a few years back and I had one very memorable meal there. It wasn't crap. At least not for me....

A few of us went out one evening to a very posh restaurant in Liverpool (Honest to God! Not everyone in Liverpool eats from the dustbins...). We had a decent meal which was washed down with copious quantities of wine so by the end of the meal we were all four sheets to the wind. At the end of the meal we were hanging around waiting for a couple of the others to get their coats. And the place we were waiting was next to a big ornate fountain, right in the middle of the restaurant. In this fountain were a lot of rather large goldfish.

Now being a bit pissed, a couple of the lads decided to try and catch goldfish with their hands. A quick snatch, a small splash and they'd come up empty handed. Now I've always prided myself on my fast reactions so I decided to show the lads how it was done.

I sidled up to the fountain and watched for a decent victim. Ah there! The big bastard with the crooked fin. As he swam towards me I slowly took my hands out of my pockets and watched him out of the corner of my eye.

Closer.... Closer...Closer - The VOOM! Like greased lightening I plunged my entire arm,shoulder and upper body into the pool - and missed the fucker by a country mile. They're faster than they look the fishy fuckers!!

Now, as usual, I'd overlooked something. When I hit the water hard and fast I set-up a bloody huge wave which rushed across the pool and then sloshed over the edge. Straight over a young couple and their dinner. They just sat there, frozen with horror, their knives and forks still clutched in their hands and just stared at each other. They were soaked.Their dinner was awash and a goodly portion had been swept onto the floor (I distinctly remember seeing a soggy bread roll floating away.) I was horrified at what I'd done and at the same time found it hilarious. Me and my party were pissing ourselves laughing and, even though I tried to apologise for my stupidity and I paid for their meal, you could tell that I'd totally bollixed their evening up.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 15:07, Reply)

fish and shits
as you do, i bought myself fish and chips, after moving into a new flat. it was opposite a chip shop so not far to go. the fish looked soggy and tasted rank but i ate it anyway. i had intense stomachache and extreme shits for a whole week because of it. when i was feeling slightly better i threw a rotten chicken carcus from my lounge window and it landed in the shop!!!!
(Jimmy Splash, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 14:59, Reply)

Mcdonalds
Enough said
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 14:56, Reply)

the worst eating out experience I ever had
was when I ate out your Mum.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 14:54, Reply)

brewers fayre
I got forced to attend a family meal in a brewers fayre crappy restaurant, aged 17. everything looked crap, so I opted for curry. later that night I began to vomit. And shit. and vomit some more. somtimes at the same time as shitting. A trip to A&E got me a prescription for some anti-vomiting drugs which wouldn't stay down because i was vomiting so much. at 10am the following day I collapse and fall down the stairs and am rushed to the doctors by my concerned mother. I am still wearing my vomit covered pyjamas and have known the doctor a while (he's the dad of a friend since i was 11), so it's a bit embarassing. I am rushed to his office where I vomit some bile over his desk. He decides that I need to go to hospital and arranges for me to be seen straight away. on arrival the nice lady doctor shoves a suppository up my arse and I pass out. much much later I wake up in a strange bed attached to a load of drips and still feeling the need to vomit. I press the button to call the nurse who duly arrives holding the worlds tiniest cardboard thing for me to puke in. I have a massive retch and cover the poor nurse in my puke. Then slowly oh so slowly, it dawns on me that I know this nurse. She is the mother of my brand new boyfriend.
she never liked me after that.

They analysed my blood and stools and decided that my food poisoning had been caused by the ingestion of human excrement. So the food in Brewers Fayre is offically shit.

I was in hospital for ten days and lost 2 and half stone!
(ludditefreak, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 14:53, Reply)

Never had this before or since.....
.....but was in France (a small town called Perigeux or similar) and sat down in an Italian restaurant. Menus after 30 minutes, first drink after another 20. After two hours, the starters arrived and the evening continued in said fashion.

After 4 hours (and an admittedly very nice pizza and chianti) I asked for the bill. The response?

"F*ck off, you wait like everybody else, English."

Nice. The tip? Don't insult your customers else they might just sh*t on the bog seat on their way out.
(mashman99, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 14:51, Reply)

I used to work in a restaurant...
well, a pretentious pub in Cambridgeshire, with aspirations to being a restaurant...

Called something like the Rup3rt Brook3, in Cambridgeshire.

The chef was called Dave; he was a big bloke, not prone to bullshitting around. He'd his little heart off at the busy hours, not even taking time off to go outside for a cigarette. No, he smoked in the kitchen.

He defrosted prawns by pouring them into the washing up sink. While we were washing up.
He had spontaneous nosebleeds every so often; one time, the tissue he'd shoved up his nostril to block the blood was so saturated it got soaked; it fell out. Onto some food. He wiped it off and served it. The kitchen was foul, the bins were rarely emptied and often overflowed, covering the floor with a layer of grease and grit

In spite of all this, we were frequently complemented on the food, with people saying it was the best meal they'd ever had.


*It's under new ownership now; the owners when I was waitressing there went bankrupt and fled the country*
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 14:49, Reply)

Once upon a time
There was a lovely organic restaurant in Aberystwyth called the Tree House. It sold the most delicious food, all perfectly cooked.

We visited the town a few years later and all wanted to go there for lunch. In the meantime it had changed hands, but we had come a long way and decided to eat there anyway.

I ordered a rare steak. The sort that takes about one minute to cook.

I had to wait an hour and a quarter.
(Lambkin, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 14:47, Reply)

ANCHOVIES
i went to my local pizza express, for those who dont know what this chain is, its quite classy, not the run of the mill pizza establishment. i fancied some fish, she had a margerita or some crap. i ordered the anchovie pizza. well, i didnt know it would taste like a salt lick. it was rank. it was the most awful thing ever, 2 bottles of nastro azzuro wouldnt make the taste fuck off. i lied throught my arse and said i'd ordered something else. the manager got involved and said i'd have pay if i wanted a new pizza. fuck off.... i then explained that the customer, no matter how stupid, is ALWAYS right. cue free pizza and a drink for me and the girlfriend. tip- ALWAYS WHINGE, AND NEVER JUST FUCK OFF.and you'll be showered with freebies.

and avoid the chicken ceaser salad, tastes like lego. gave me that free aswell, suckers.......
(mr kyle he's a silly bastard, the one who posted before me, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 14:39, Reply)

went to an extremely posh restaurant
for grandad's 80th birthday. Most of us ordered lobster. before the plates had been cleared away, everyone that had consumed said tasty crustaceon was projectile vomiting all over the place.

My whole family felled in one go by a sea critter that we were trying to eat. fucksocks.


that said, i did get a week of school with food poisoning (it was that long ago!), and we got 3 free meals at the restaurant as compensation
( Ralph farts in your general direction, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 14:37, Reply)

Well,
When I worked in KFC as a team manager (to pay for my education) a customer approached me, telling me she had a maggot in her Corn Cobette. I replied with "At least it isn't half a maggot." Silly customer even went away without further complaint.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 27 Apr 2006, 14:36, Reply)

Giving props to the servers
We'll probably get a lot of horror stories from customers, but I like hearing what the other side has to say as well. I've never worked in the restaurant business but I'm always sure to leave a modest tip.

Have a look at this site if b3ta isn't enough reading material for you:
stainedapron.com/
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 14:35, Reply)

Never been so close to the start
My grandmother used to have a real thing for buffet restaurants. I never understood them because you got the most white trash diners, and yet the bill was always tremendous. It would be 15 bucks for an all-you-can-eat plate, and if you didn't eat three full platefuls you weren't getting your money's worth.

One time she took us to a buffet called Uncle Willy's. I was probably no older than 12 at the time. It was a special Ukrainian holiday or something so we had to dress up, too. And yeah, the place gave me food poisoning.

Fast forward a few years, and we're on vacation. My dad took one look at the dump hotel for which we'd booked a reservation, and said "That place gives me the willies." It gave me a serious flashback.

Since then, that expression has always reminded me of barfing up buffet food from Uncle Willy's.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 14:34, Reply)

Yay! Im the first, EDIT: DAMN YOU ALL!
I once ate off a banana leaf in singapore. The waiter clearing the "plates" managed to pour the remains of a curry all down my back.

Which was nice.
(maddave, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 14:30, Reply)

burger king chicken
Burger King did this buy one get one free offer so me and Mr P decided to have the chicken burger (deluxe royale chicken monster bite meal - or some such). I particularly appreciated the bit of bog roll mine came with. Especially as it was half-chewed by the time I discovered it.

I complained and they said that it must be a bit of napkin which had got caught up in the making of the burger. It wasn't. Didn't even get as much as a refund.
( no longer a user, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 14:30, Reply)

The Acapulco
There used to be an all you can eat Mexican place in Finchley Road of the above name.

All you can eat Mexican food was sort of dire anywhere in North London back then to begin with but this place was shabbier than most.

It was filthy, the food was just in big dishes on a table, they didn't even bother with heatlamps to egg the salmonella along. What food there was was cold, fairly tasteless, and quite greasy (mind you, I would have probably been ok with it if it had been cold and greasy but spicy).

Being more than a little shabby myself at the time, the option of going somewhere else didn't occur to me (how stupid is that?)

So after forcing down whatever amount of food we considered we had paid for, we went to leave. We then got hit by a 20% service charge. Wee bit ticked off to be charged service in a self service all you can eat restaurant so we didn't pay it (after a really long argument). Never write discretionary service charge on the bill if you don't understand that that means people can choose not to pay if the service is rubbish, or in this case non-existent by design.

Another time, in a slightly better all you can eat Mexican place in West Hampstead I mistook a bowl of very hot chilli sauce for chilli con carne. I heaped loads onto a plate of rice, took a big mouthfull, couldn't understand why it was stone cold, took another big mouthfull and then the chilli heat made itself known (had been concealed for a few seconds by being stone cold). I'm told I looked a bit like cartoon characters do when they do that stereotypical turing red hot and blowing smoke out of the ears thing.

I sat there in utter agony for a few minutes but was pleasantly suprised by the incredible endorphin rush that kicked in to compensate moments later. I could see through time...
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 27 Apr 2006, 14:29, Reply)