English oral, (Easy Madam)
No, that thing in English class where you stand at the front and give a talk about a topic of your choosing. One kid did about his football team, someone did about his model plane that he flew and so on. I was at a loss as I didn't have any activities at all. No sports or hobbies or anything. I used to read a lot, but that was no good. Apart from that, the only thing I really did was 'larked out', usually on my bike, so that was a non-starter too.

I went to the local library and looked for inspiration. I then noticed a bright yellow yet innocuous looking book "The Nuclear Survival Handbook" by Barry Popkess.
"Ooh, that looks interesting" I thought. I took the book out and read through it cover to cover. It was fascinating. I began making notes in anticipation for the English lesson in a couple of days time.

I sat down in my English lesson and the teacher checked her list of people who hadn't done their talk and was about to pick someone when I put my hand up.

"I'll do it Miss", and everybody looked at me. Nobody, and I mean nobody had volunteered and nobody had relished the idea of standing at the front talking about something. I snatched up my notes, and wandered to the front whilst the teacher went and sat at the back of the class.

"Right" I said. Nobody really heard, "RIGHT" I said in a stentorian voice, people looked up. "My speech is on the effects and aftermath of a nuclear attack". People fell silent, the teacher perked up. This was late 1986, not long after the Reykjavik Summit where Reagan refused to scale back his strategic missile defence. A program that would cause a significant imbalance in the arms race. The cold war was reaching quite a tension, the thought of a nuclear war sitting at the back of everybody's mind like the elephant in the room, a thought that nobody wanted to talk about.

Except me.

I started. I talked about the preemptive attack by the Soviets in response to the imbalance in the arms race, getting a shot in before the US could build a system to block the attack. I described in detail weapon yields, the myriad targets in the UK including Greenham Common which had been on the news a lot, how the missiles would come from Eastern Europe and from submarines in the North Sea. How the 4-minute warning was meaningless.

I then described in exquisite detail the effects on a 5MT airburst above the centre of Hull. How everything in a certain radius would just vapourise and what vaporisation meant.

I then turned around and drew a rough sketch of Hull and the surrounding area and began drawing concentric circles explaining what the level of devastation would be in that area. Then I turned to the aftermath. The fall of civilisation, the nuclear winter, radiation poisoning, increased cancers, the works.

After about 7 minutes, I finished. Most talks lasted 3 minutes, tops. The class was silent, kids were wide-eyed. I stood there and looked at them for almost a minute. Nobody moved, nobody made a sound. The teacher looked shocked and didn't say anything. A couple of kids then ran out, I could hear sobbing from a couple of girls near the front.

Eventually the teacher came to the front and said "thank you for a graphic talk" and sent me to my seat. The rest of the class was a bit subdued after that and it took a good 15 mins before the atmosphere had picked up again.

She collared me at the end of the class and said that my subject was ill-advised and rather macabre and disturbing. But, she said it'd be wrong to mark me down on it and she actually gave me an A*. Yay me!
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 8 Apr 2011, 13:03, 8 replies)

Haaaaaaahahahahahaha!
That's bloody awesome!

"I mean, we all feel like that sometimes, right, guys? Guys?"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 8 Apr 2011, 13:14, closed)

Did you ever see that dramatised film about a nuclear strike?
IIRC it was commissioned by the government then banned because it was too scary.

Fucking chilling
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 8 Apr 2011, 13:26, closed)

You must have been one twisted little fucker of a kid
Have a click.
( SteamedCleaner, Fri 8 Apr 2011, 13:29, closed)

Sir may appreciate
Threads (film). Google it.
(A Nony Mouse, Fri 8 Apr 2011, 14:14, closed)

The only thing I remember about that film
was a woman pissing herself and it running out of her trouser leg.
It scared the crap out of me at the time though (the film, not a woman pissing herself)
(Rsoles, Sat 9 Apr 2011, 0:01, closed)

An A*?
In 1986? Did such things exist then? I don't remember them, therefore your story (good though it is) is bollocks. (Me being Marvo the Memory Man and all, I couldn't possibly be mistaken myself. OH no...)
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 8 Apr 2011, 14:56, closed)

not A*
I meant A+. It wasn't an exam or anything so not any sort of official grade.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 8 Apr 2011, 15:05, closed)

I remember that book!
My dad had it - I remember as a teen reading about how best to catch wild rodents for eating, and how to build a shelter.

I think the notion of nuclear attacks didn't affect me as much as other kids as we didn't have a TV and I never saw the public information films that terrified so many.
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Fri 8 Apr 2011, 15:59, closed)