One more from the world of spangle
Ooh, just remembered a more hellish story about my time in the internet filth industry.

A customer once sent a letter to our office, addressed to 'Lindsay', one of our models. Apologies for any dreams shattered by this next revelation, but any mail sent to the models would get opened by the office staff; Partly for security reasons, partly because the models were freelance and usually photographed on location, partly because it was a bloody good hoot. Alright, mainly because it was a bloody good hoot.

So we opened this letter to 'Lindsay', and were taken back by the contents. It was a side of A4 filled with beautiful prose, the writer pouring out his heart, telling 'Lindsay' of his love for her and his admiration of her work. "How sweet", we thought.

Then we turned it over.

On the other side, the author had provided a biro drawing of 'Lindsay', legs akimbo. It was nothing short of gynaecological in detail.

And there was more.

At the top right of the page, the artist had drawn a circle. An arrow pointed to the circle. At the other end of the arrow, he had written the instruction;

"Lindsay, sniff here"

Have you ever seen the way Steve Irwin would leap back when a crocodile turned on him? Imagine that with a group of men and a crusty sheet of A4.
(costas, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 13:34, 1 reply)

Porn Free
I once had a great job in the happy world of internet pornography. Sadly for the rest of the world, my role was strictly limited to web-programming (sure, they begged me many times, "Please, just one photo-shoot, delight our female readers with your sheer manly physical perfection", but, y'know, my morals forbade it) (That's despite it looking like a Victorian policeman's truncheon with a peach on the end) (Really). Customers From Hell were a rare thing - It's surprising how few people feel the urge to phone up and complain about the bongo-site they've subscribed to. We did, however, get some lovely letters.

We once produced a free sampler CD-ROM which included some free nudey photos and acted as a grubby gateway to our sites. We advertised this in a number of skin-magazines, some of which were popular in Ghana, of all places. One day we received a letter from a Ghanaian reader.

"Please would you send me your free CD-ROM"

Which we did, poste haste.

A couple of weeks later, we received another letter from the same chap.

"Thank you kindly for the free CD-ROM. Please could you send me a computer to use it in."

You can't blame him for trying.
(costas, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 13:17, 1 reply)

Being in IT support can really get on your nerves
and for many reasons.

Fortunately, I'm a fairly nice chap, so my experience with irate "customers" (read users) is rather rare.

However, that's not to say I don't get my fair share of irritants. such as:

* You spend hours of time working on a single job, something horrendous usually involving all sorts of brain screwing madness. What thanks do you get? None (or next to none) however, the simple act of turning on a printer earns you more praise than Jesus got for the fish & bread thing.

* Somehow knowing which way up a CD goes in the drive makes me a Genius. I'd rather get a simple thanks than minutes of forced praise

* Just because I wrote the system DOES NOT mean I know what you're supposed to be putting into it... Yes I wrote the invoicing reports, No I do not know what we're charging XYZ company.

* A user not pressing the right button IS NOT a system error. It is human error. The system works just fine when you tell it what you actually want thanks.

* I don't mind explaining how to do something, or how something works. I don't even mind doing this 2 or 3 times. But phoning me each and every time you do it and asking for the 50th explanation gets a bit tiring after a while...

* Okay, your file went missing, because you deleted it... So why is that my fault? Why are you getting narky with me? I'll restore it from the backup if you're nice. If your not, I'll just get awkward.

* You don't work for my company. Why are you asking me for IT support? You have your own IT support in the same building as you. I only sent you your data export.

And my personal favourite is the numptys that can't use Winzip. As a brief explanation, the company i work for has call to send confidential information. The kind that could cause issues if it wound up in the worng place. Therefore we encrypt data (Are you listening HM Gov't?). The easiest method to encrypt data for our various different clients is to use winzip, and encrypt the zip file. To decrypt the file all you need is Winzip9 or greater, and to pay the dirt cheap registration price. Simple?

Well it seems not...

Windows doesn't read highly encrypted Winzip files. This causes problems for clients who only know how to use the built-in zip function in windows.

In fact a lot of clients use the windows zip tool, or some zip tool that doesn't support encryption... and it's somehow always our fault that they can't decrypt data that's required to be encrypted by law. My personal favourite being the client who demanded encrypted files, then phoned up two days later explaining that their IT department remove any encrypted attachments in their email... :-/ Joy

/Rant

(Am I supposed to apologise for length?)
(TarranT, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 13:02, Reply)

i don't like to complain,but...
I recently visited a high-end,expensive bookshop ( I travelled all day - I'm that kind of twat).
It was a good day.The sun was shining,the trees were,well,you know.
I approached the till at a jaunty angle,swivelled my face in the direction of the sales assistant (name Jeremy(really?),bright eyes,fluffy hair,shoe size 8 and a half).
'Excuse me' quoth I,'Can you please tell me where the bibliography section is?'
'Er...what's a bibliography?'
Crestfallen,I went home and wept for the education system.
(Fuckpig Oh, what it is to be a man beneath so blue a sky!, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 12:53, 5 replies)

Probably BT's fault.....
but I pay them for a number of BT Business Lines for my own home based company (I am currently reviewing comms contracts, so it might not be BT in the near future). Anyway, the main telephone number that I use, and got printed on letter heads etc. is the easiest to remember. Unfortunately, BT gave me a number that was until recently used by a recruitment company.

So, on a daily basis I get calls that start "Hello, is that XXXX recruitment?". I used to explain that this is their old number and no longer in use, but now I start having a little more fun, and tell them that they all died of syphillis/blue tongue/leprasy etc.

I also get calls from people who start calls by asking for the address of XXXXX recruitment so that they can send me their CV's. I helpfully give them my neighbour's address as he is a twunt.

I also had one guy who used to repeatedly call my second line at odd times and leave messages on the answer machine. He was complaining that he had placed an order for penis growth pills from my company. Each time, he had a rant, then left his number for someone to call him back.

He sounded like an old geezer, a bit weird in his tone as you'd expect anyone who buys penis growth pills to be. This went on for about 8 weeks, then I finally got a message to say that he had now received his pills, and he wanted to know how many pills to take.

At this point I rang him back, and explained that for best effect he should neck 'em all, and make a new order as soon as possible.

He never called again.

Length: Same with the pills as without.
( Piper Alpha says "get yer feet off that there table", Thu 11 Sep 2008, 12:31, 4 replies)

This QOTW is haunted
So I'm writing on here yesterday about idiots in fire evacuations. 2 hours later I'm working away and I smell burning...

So, standing outside yesterday evening in my horrible day glow fire wardens jacket, side stepping onrushing fireman, an idiot lady walks up to me. Bear in mind, there is a cafe in our library

Idiot: I need to go in and get my phone.
Me: I'm afraid not. The building has been evacuated due to a fire.
Iditot: Yes, but I was in the cafe.
Me: I think the cafe is flammable too.
Idiot: But you don't understand - my husband is on his way to pick me up.
Me: I don't think that will stop the building being on fire.
Idiot: But...but...I'm from the council!

I'm not sure if she thought shouting this would have some kind of Jumanji effect and put the fire out. Anyway, in the end she huffed and stormed off, hopefully accepting the fact that Fire beats Working for the council. In the end it turns out some piece of machinery had started smouldering in the theatre on the second floor.

Still, it's weird how what I typed happened...

So, I was beating John McCririck to death with one of my many sacks full of gold bars the other day...
(GONEism, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 12:31, 1 reply)