Telling customers to fuck off
Inspired by DG's heroics.

I'm sure you're all aware of a cheap and cheerful (ROFL) retail establishment by the name of Lidl.

I worked there for a period of 7 months between late 2004-early 2005 before I moved down to Leeds with then Miss Keloid.
I was in a celebratory mood. This despite the fact it was now 8.15pm and I had started the shift at 7am, with one half-hour break around lunchtime. The reason for my good cheer was it was my last day and I was all packed and ready to move.

Officially the store closes at 8 and there were still stragglers wandering up to my till.
I jokingly said, "Come on folks, haven't you got homes to go to?" Most in the queue indulged me with at least a chuckle.
One bloke didn't. He was only just five foot tall, had a patchy beard and a combover. In fact he looked a bit like the slightly deformed comedian you sometimes see on on QI and Mock the Week.
"How dare you!" he chuntered. "We pay your wages, you know."

I fixed him with what I imagined to be a basilisk stare (I probably just went cross-eyed and dribbled a bit).

"You're a bit fucking short for that high-horse, aren't you?"

The place went silent. A few people giggled nervously, one poor bloke choked on a mouthful of pseudo-Red Bull we sold for 25p, which he had serruptitiously opened.
To this day, that remains the single greatest come-back I've ever countered a comment with.

Eventually, having gone varying degrees of puce, the wee fella exploded.
"How...how dare you!" his voice ricocheted round a few octaves with rage.
"I'll get you sacked!"

"To be honest, mate. It's my last day, and I can't be bothered with your attitude. Leave your basket and fuck off!"
The fact I could literally look down on the apoplectic little fucksock had elevated me to Zeus levels of authority.

He eventually stormed off to get the manager, who let me leave early. I was congratulated by several of the departing customers who told me I had made their day.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 13:21, 8 replies)

This makes me pleased.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 13:30, closed)

very nice!
*clicks*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 13:31, closed)

Legendary!
*clicks*
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 14:23, closed)

Nice come-back
Must remember that one. But as usual, I'll probably only do so when it's too late.
(cheez is feeling ergophobic, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 16:56, closed)

my single best ever come-back was not made up by me, but delivered beautifully (if I do say so myself)
Some friends and I were skating at Streatham ice rink (lovely part of the world) and began receiving low-grade hassle from a handful of pikey kids (we were 18-19, they were 15-16 I guess). Apparently we were in "their seats" (about 2 benches out of 100 in a nearly-empty ice rink).

They were bumping us on the ice, shouting stuff and so on, all faintly pathetic. We refused to move on basic principle, and their insults became more laughable. At one point some pig-in-a-wig told us "I'm on the phone to my crew and they're gonna come down strapped and fuck you up." Her threat made less devastating by the fact that her phone, held to her fat, oinking face, was clearly turned off.

Eventually we got up to leave and they produly barged past us and sat down, just as the tannoy annouched "The ice rink is now closed, please make your way out of the building."

Lovely timing.

They followed us to the bus stop, still calling the girls sluts and the guys fags and watched us board the bus. I stood in the doorway and (having had a quick word with the driver) turned to them and said "You aren't getting on."
Lead skank replied "You can't stop me."
to which I reposted "fuck off, darling."
"nice come-back, NOT" she bawled
and I replied, with a smile:
"If I wanted my come back, I'd french-kiss your mum."

She threw a milkshake which hit the closing bus door and splattered back onto her.

Happy days.
( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 17:26, closed)

^umm.........................
www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2007/feb/05/ukguns.sandralaville

if someone at streatham ice rink says they are going to get you shot, leave.
(papa bouba slap your face, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 13:37, closed)

no
I won't.
( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 9:39, closed)