How did I feel?
I've seen quite a few dead bodies in my time, three notable ones affected me in different ways. So B3TANS, strap in while the Captain bares his soul.
My father was an unusual man. A Burma veteran and the most physically dangerous man I have ever met, trained to kill by some of the best in the business. Very hard to reconcile that knowledge with the man who taught me to ride a bike, introduced me to the joys of reading and taught me chess. He was a philosopher who had seen (and done) far too much of the savagery that man inflicts on his fellow men.
He was diagnosed with a left occiputal astrocytoma which was removed as a measure to give him a little more "life". The surgery removed the part of the brain that turned sight the "right way up" yet he managed to write again and even play chess. The last weeks of his life were spent in a semi-coma on a heroin pump, the regrown cancer pressing on the pain centres of his brain. The last time I saw him alive he was unconscious in a hospital bed, face contorted in agony, painkilling drips into every major vein in an attempt to relieve him of the pain. It wasn't working. The doctor told me that he was on the absolute limit of the painkiller and if anyone turned the drips up, he'd be dead "in minutes". The doctor then left.
The peace that came over my dad's face as he died was a relief to everyone. It would be illegal to allow a dog to suffer as hard and as long as my dad suffered and the end was as peaceful as some of his life had been violent.
RIP Dad.
My mother was, well not much of a "Mum" to me. One of my earliest memories is of her introducing me as " our Jamie, he was a mistake you know". Thanks.
She fell into a diabetic coma, was rushed to hospital and was stabilised as fast as possible. She then contracted MRSA. It ravaged her. This was only months after my Father had died and I suppose I resented a lot of the stuff my Mother had done while he was dying (I could write it all down but no-one would believe me. I even doubt some of it myself until I check with my siblings).
Push then came to shove. I collared her consultant and asked what her chances were. She had developed gangrene in both feet and one hand, her left lung was all-but gone, the right one was barely enough to keep her alive and she had severe brain damage.
I signed the DNR.
She died one afternoon while I was home, a rare occurrence while she'd been ill, I'd only left the hospital 30-odd minutes before. When I saw her dead I felt nothing, I'd not expected her to survive. I find it hard to remember the good bits when I think of her.
Tom Moss was my Sensei at Aikido for 13 years. He was probably the best martial artist I have ever met or seen. He was also a thoroughly nice guy with time for everyone and a selfless attitude. He was a man who, to paraphrase a line in "As good as it gets", made you "want to be a better person". He died from pulmonary sclerosis, a horrifically cruel way to die. Your lungs lose the capacity to expand and you basically suffocate to death. Truly ironic for a man who would teach and train longer and harder than men half his age, drink the sun up and then go do it all again. An inspirational human being. I saw him in the chapel of rest, dressed in Gi and Hakama, bloated from the steroids, bruised from needles yet still the same guy who'd turned the fear of falling into the joy of flying whilst training me. I miss him every day.
RIP Sensei.
I'm sat here bawling my eyes out for two men and I still feel nothing for my Mother, probably better than the dislike I had for her when she was alive.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 3 Mar 2008, 17:02, 2 replies)

Thank you Captain....
If one thing this qotw has done is made me feel very lucky.
( girlinthehole, Mon 3 Mar 2008, 19:36, closed)

Amazing how it still hurts
@BGB.
My dad died almost 15 years ago, my mum 16 months after. Tom died within a month of me starting divorce proceedings against my ex-wife, in the same month I lost my job and nearly my house.
If I can survive that, I can survive anything. It's surprising how resilient we really are.
See you in Cov!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 3 Mar 2008, 22:53, closed)