Sweet mother of christ.
Like many men, I succumbed to the latest style and shaved my nads. The tree looks bigger without underbrush around it, right?

Nobody told me how much it would itch as it grew back. And there is no way to subtly scratch during a meeting with your boss and the other department heads.
( Wanderer, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 16:51, 15 replies)

'Shall we go and see Ghosts of the Robot'?
'Mmmmmmmmm James Marsters. Yes, lets'.

I clearly wasn't thinking, well, not with my head anyway. Ghosts of The Robot were quite possibly the shittest band I've had the misfortune of seeing, and all because Spike from Buffy was their lead singer. Shame on me, thinking with my fanny. That soon put a stop to THAT.
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 16:44, 3 replies)

I mean, I *knew* she was Welsh...

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 16:41, 2 replies)

I could have had a side-dish of mashed potatoes.
But I chose the fermented cabbage. It was my wurst decision.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 16:38, 1 reply)

I buy into technology that very soon after disappears without a trace...
Some choice investments include: the Neo-Geo Pocket, Mega CD, Sega 32-X, Atari Lynx, Atari Jaguar 64, MiniDisk players, Psion organisers, Sega Saturn, HD-DVD, Sony PocketStation...

I'm afraid it's not looking good for Xbox 360 owner, BT Vision customers or iPhone 4 keepers...
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 16:15, 13 replies)

Got home tonight after work
"Hmm, lots of chores to get out of the way so I can go out and enjoy myself tomorrow night, plus I have to have an early night so I'm not tired all through the meeting first thing tomorrow. So, what to do first?

I know! I'll just spend an hour larking around in Minecraft!"

...

*next time I look up from the screen*

"Fuck me, it's one in the morning."
(oball needs Satan more than he needs me, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 16:01, Reply)

This gear I was on the other night
was fucking great.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 15:59, 4 replies)

What was I thinking?
I was thinking "yes I know I've got this work to do but I'll just have a quick look at b3ta, that won't take long then I'll get on with my work."

Stupid me.
( sanityclause is waiting until, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 15:56, 1 reply)

Medical screwup
When I was a student I thought I could make some easy money volunteering to be a guinea pig in neuroscience research - it involved minor brain surgery, but I foolishly thought the rewards outweighed the risks. It turned out to be a massive error in judgement, as there was a bit of a cock-up, and the part of my brain that controls my lower leg movement ended up fused with part of my memory centre.

I kick myself whenever I think about it.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 15:54, 8 replies)

I did have a good friend when I was a but a lowly A-level student.
He broke up with a girl because, and I quote, "she wants it all of the time and I am knackered".

Even after I had slapped him he was still unable to explain why this seemed like a good reason.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 23 Sep 2010, 15:46, 1 reply)

Internet dating
No..no...no....nooo..nooooooooooooo... gah never again....please don't let me get into internet dating again.. The thought of it gives me a "rabbit in headlights" look. Can't bring myself to tell the stories but... fuck internet dating. The offending site was okcupid.com. The paid ones could be better, I dunno, I'm not going back there.
(Mr Big Stuff, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 15:45, 11 replies)

Ooh ooh
Also once dumped a very accommodating and pleasing Norwegian girl for no apparent reason other than me being a twat in a stupid mood. Instantly regretted it. No I mean INSTANTLY, the second I had finished the sentence, by which time of course it was already too late.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 23 Sep 2010, 15:43, 2 replies)

Online auctions - what a crap idea
In 1997 me, my brother and a mate started up a web design company. A few months in, our mate showed us an article about a small site in the States called AuctionWeb that allowed people to run auctions for their stuff and was becoming a bit popular. He suggested that we set one up somethign similar in Europe. My answer was 'that is a rubbish idea, who would ever buy something from a complete stranger online!', and we obviously never did it. Soon after that the site changed its name to eBay.

I feel a bit like the guy who turned down the Beatles.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 15:40, 1 reply)

"Yes"
"I do think your parents should come on holiday with us, what a splendid idea."

Kicking myself by the time we were sat in 'Departures'.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 23 Sep 2010, 15:39, 5 replies)

Once persuaded a girlfriend
to go and spend a winter as a chalet maid in some ski resort (in her gap year) whilst I went off to Uni. Of course we could have a 'long distance relationship'. In answer to your question, no, I genuinely didn't see the inevitable result coming! It's possible she made it almost a week before finding some local cockage.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 23 Sep 2010, 15:37, Reply)

Just now
I had just made a lovely and much-anticipated cup of tea, when I volunteered to go and get the office biscuits.

Fifteen minutes, a soaking in the rain and some wrangling over change later, my cup of tea is now LUKEWARM and HORRID.

This is the worst day ever.
(jennymnemonic, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 15:36, 3 replies)

Duncan's interview
Duncan was not the most ideal interview candidate for the job. Although he'd been temping in the same role for another closely related department for a year so had the experience, was familiar with the infrastructure and personnel etc. His dress code being biker goth metal head on a budget wasn't perhaps ideal. Likewise his professionalism wasn't up there, but he was still young at about 20.

His friend, the head of IT, who was actually on the interview panel for the permanent job vacancy had pulled a few strings and got Duncan shortlisted for the interviews.

With appropriate questions he'd done reasonably well throughout the interview and the rest of the panel were starting to think that perhaps some of the negative things they'd heard were unjust.... until a final question.

Interview panel: "Imagine you were up to date with your normal work and had no support requests coming through so things were a bit quiet. What might you do with some spare time at work?"

Now let's face it, the model answers might have included: Check the antivirus software was up to date on computers in the department; Perform an inventory check against the asset database; Tidy up the department and turn out old unused equipment; Learn some new skills relevant to the department etc etc.

Duncan's answer: "I'd probably bring in some CD's to listen to.".

So his insider on the panel attempts to give him a second chance and save himself.

Interview panel: "No, but imagine rather than just a spare hour or so it was several days or blocks of time over several days.".

Duncan pauses... the thought processes clearly hard at work....

Duncan: "Hmm.... yes, I'd bring in some CD's and maybe a film.".

Interview panel: **facepalms**

Duncan didn't get the job.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 15:35, Reply)

I suggested that we play
Absinthe poker. Everyone agreed. Obvious results followed in the morning by the unusual use of an umbrella, a throat infection caused by retching too much, the worst hangover in my entire life, a couple of my mates being left/stranded in Guernsey and having to endure a Channel ferry crossing.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 23 Sep 2010, 15:32, 2 replies)

"I'm going for a piss," I slurred to my mate, draining the last dregs from my bottle.
"Good plan," said J, struggling to his feet to join me, "Johnny, you get the next drinks in." Johnny laughed, and told us to go fuck ourselves. He wasn't budging from the snug little nook he'd found.

J and I, unsteady on drunk legs, managed to get ourselves vertical and looked around us, working out where the best pissing location would be. The lights from the bars two hundred yards away glittered off the Solent, and the steel glint of dawn was kissing the eastern horizon. "Over there," pointed J as, using the metal uprights for support, we edged our way seawards. It was a stumbling journey, footstep after creeping footstep and hands clinging to the nearby poles until we got to the edge.

It wasn't until my cock felt the chill of the sea breeze that my brain finally realised where it was: the top of a crane constructing the Spinnaker Tower in Portsmouth at 4am, up which we had climbed in our drunken foolishness. I'd been listening for the splash as my piss hit the harbour, while instead it was tracing a golden arc into the night, 187 metres above sea level, atomising into a sour vapour long before it could make any audible impact on the ground a long, long way below. As the realisation of that distance hit me, my stomach lurched, and my two grips (one on pole, one on cock) tightened considerably.

"Scrap that drink Johnny," I croaked, not even daring to shake out the last drops. "I think it's time to call it a night."
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 15:30, 2 replies)

I often wonder what my parents were thinking
when, in 1984, they decided we should move from Bondi in Australia (you know it? Big golden beach, cafes, eateries, sun, generally being in Australia etc.) to Moretonhampstead in Dartmoor on the arse end of England. Ever fucking heard of it? No? thought not. Google it. It has lots of ponies, rocks, a handy nearby prison, 80Mph cross winds, hail and people like this: Click here for inbred bloke
(really, I used to know this inbred).

Figure that shit out.
( The Togaboy The world will end on, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 15:29, 6 replies)

The brain makes odd decisions when panicked.
Mine does, anyway. The following will not make you cringe, but did make me question my own thought process...

I was cooking dinner for my housemates before I went out. I had a recipe I wanted to try and various things to use up, including a block of beef dripping. What better medium to fry some pieces of steak in than beef dripping, I thought? So I popped some into the wok to heat up, turned away to tend to another part of the recipe and then approached the wok with slabs of beef at hand.

The moment I popped them in, it was quite apparent that the dripping was hot enough - I was able to make a crude assessment of the temperature as a quantity of it had spat out of the band and distributed itself all over my wrist and forearm*.

As you can probably imagine, this was quite painful, and I'm sure one lonely lobe in my brain was telling me to get that hand under some cold water, pronto. Unfortunately, all the other lobes appeared to be screaming entirely different commands at a generally greater volume. The one that won the shouting match said something along the lines of
"Well, that was a daft thing to do, wasn't it, you great pillock? Anyway, you'll want to run some cold water on that, but - wait, wait...you've got a pan full of hot fat sitting on that hob..."
And my mind's eye recalled those lessons when the fire brigade come to visit your school and explain the horror of chip-pan fires. Despite the fact that my hand was slowly being turned into crow crackling, I returned to the pan and made sure it was steady.
"Well done," chirped my brain, "now you're probably in a lot of pain, it certainly feels like it to me. Because I am you. I should know. But before we go selfishly tending to our wounds...you wanted those bits of steak done rare, if I recall - better turn them, hadn't you?"

I duly turned the steaks, made sure the wok was steady and then finally ran a quick blast of cold water over my arm. Oh, that felt better. Of course, I promptly returned to the wok to toss in the other ingredients and finish off the recipe and serve it before making any proper attempt to cool down my seared flesh. For some reason my brain had decided that my injury was a less pressing issue than the prevention of a kitchen fire (understandable) and making sure the food was cooked properly (a little harder to rationalise).

The most bizarre bit was picking the solidified pools of beef dripping off my arm. In hindsight, I probably should have left them there as I have been left with three or four impressive little scars around my hand and wrist, as a permanent reminder of what a malcoordinated gastropod I am.

*_{I'm no stranger to having warm goo over my wrist and forearm, but it's normally closer to a comfortable 35^oC and hasn't been produced from the carcass of another animal...}
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 15:25, Reply)

Time warp
I've got tomorrow off, but no matter how much it makes today feel like a Friday, I can't understand why I've spent most of the afternoon refreshing B3ta, looking for the newsletter.
(kithkill, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 15:17, 1 reply)

Regrets? I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 15:16, 2 replies)

I said "I do"...
and ended up marrying a fat ginger bully of a woman.

Marriage just scraped the 1 year anniversary by a week before we split. 2 years later the divorce is still being dragged out and it's cost me an absolute fortune.

Stupidly I thought she'd get better once all the wedding fuss was out of her system.

Further evidence I clearly wasn't thinking straight is that 3 years earlier we were both living in Sydney on a 1 yr backpacker visa. I was offered a permanent job with visa sponsorship to stay in the country by a very respectable company. I turned it down on the basis that the ginger ex wouldn't have qualified to stay too... That's right, I turned down a golden ticket to a paradise lifestyle because I might miss the witch that now haunts my life. Stupid stupid stupid.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 15:14, 6 replies)

Have a repost.
I've been making a great effort, when talking to the ladies, to keep my answers short, sweet and to the point. Problem is you see, when I'm nervous I say the STUPIDEST fucking things and immediately regret them.

Example 1: Laura; My ex from when I was 17 moved back home for a while and seemed very keen to meet up. When we were 17 she was a bit religious and, basically, I didn't get any further than 3rd base. Now she was a bit older/wiser she knew what she wanted and wasn't shy about it. PERFECT.

SO. The first time we meet up (at her house) it was straight to bed :) We'd had a conversation earlier in the week about how many partners we had been with so after the deed was done and she was lying in my arms, her lovely dancers body against mine I say "hooray for number X eh?"

FUCK ME WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!!! I think.

It didn't go down well. At all.

But I'd obviously made an impression of a different sort so I get a second chance the following week. I go round for her and she's just out the shower. She throws on some clothes and it's round to mine this time. All goes well but as she's getting dressed she checks her pockets and pulls out her bank card.

"no need to pay me" Says I then instantly put my head in my hands and DIE INSIDE. 2 weeks later she had herself a new boyfriend and no more fun for me.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 15:00, 13 replies)

Gaaaaaaaaaah
They were gorgeous blonde lady art students, all three of us were dressed as zombies, much booze had been drunk and we were dropping them off at one girl's flat, who's mother was away for the weekend. Before getting out of the car she snogged me. For reasons that I can't even begin to quantify, instead of getting out of the car I accepted a lift back to Camden. I heard later that in the absence of a man, they spent the night banging each other senseless instead.

When I heard that, I let my friend take a run-up the length of the pub to slap me round the face for being an idiot. An absolute fucking idiot.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 14:58, 4 replies)

I volunteered to take part in a Bukkake session at London Zoo
I don't know what came over me
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 14:52, 5 replies)

Can I do wavey lines here??? ~~~
Well I have. Imagine if you will a young 17 year old working his weekend job in some non descript shop, mainly in the girl section (tills). To this point in my life I had a few fumbles, but my V plates were very much still attached. I became friends with a gorgeous petite girl called Elizabeth, over our weekends serving the countries great unwashed she mentioned her car radio was on the blink.

Being a practical chap I said no problem I'll sort that out she said she would take me for a drink in repayment.

Now I really can't say how much I fancied this girl, but my answer, spluttered, was no I don't drink!

We became friends but have forever stayed that, friends... she's still as gorgeous today 15 years on.

Sigh.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 14:40, 1 reply)

Iphone slip-up
Also I had a message on my iphone. I pressed play and it said "Hi is that Browser - we've been having a look at your CV. We were wondering if..."
and it was on speaker and I was in the office so I hit panicked and hit delete. :-(
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 14:33, Reply)

I could have dined out on this one for years...
So I was working in a rough-as pub in Hammersmith (part of a famous chain that keeps old alcoholics heated through the winter). I was working in this pub because I had just moved down to the big smoke and needed some cash for rent and stuff.

Now, there are many aspects of working in the pub that were awful (the customers mainly; but the hours, low pay, increased night bus travel all were particular joys) but there were some things that were brilliant. I worked with some amazing people (who, 10 years later are still amongst my closest friends). I had never met an Aussie before, but now I knew loads of them.

One of the girls I worked with was super cute. She was Aussie, funny, loud and really fit....and for some reason, after about a couple of months working together she developed a major crush on me.

One night we were all out at the Palais (RIP) when she took me away from the others on the dancefloor and started thoroughly 'pashing' me as she would describe it. Suffice to say I was really rather pleased with this development.

Now, this same evening the staff from a different pub were also at school disco. These guys used to take their breaks in our pub, as we took our breaks at theirs. One of the girls who worked in there was Polish, chubby, quite pretty and also had the hots for me. (Take it for granted that I am not an oil painting, but I was used to fat lasses liking me). She also, I knew, partook in the occasional bout of lady flirting. I have no idea if it ever went further than this, but I certainly had seen her snog girls.

So, at the end of the night my lovely Aussie came over to me. it was obvious that she and I were going to go back to hers and have some messy (and probably embarrassing) shenannigans. But I was a little surprised to see that she had the Polish girl with her.

"Big Fella" she said "xxxxxxxx says she would like to come back with us. I said it was up to you, but I thought it would be fun".

Well, as you can imagine, i was slightly startled. I mean, I was blatently and openly being odffered a threesome..... I only wish I realised that. I, because I am an idiot, thought that having another girl there would mean that me and my Aussie lady friend would not be able to get up to any messy and embarrassing shenannigans. So I said No.

No.

To a threesome.

With two ladies.

And I would be allowed to play.

Nude.

With two ladies.

I'm a dick.
(Thebigfella, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 14:33, 22 replies)