14 years ago I was heavily pregnant....
but still in my 20s so we regularly had parties at my house - and whenever possible, we'd go into the garden and start a bonfire. My neighbour was always able to find firewood by walking up and down the street stealing 'for sale' signs.

The father of my unborn was trying to get the fire going this one particular night - he took the petrol can and standing over the small fire, poured petrol onto the fire.

The fire liked this and burst into life, climbing up the still pouring petrol and into the gerry can - which still had a substantial amount of petrol in it. The father of my child held the flaming, melting plastic petrol can and panicked, asking us what to do as the flame started licking up his arms.

"let go of the can and step away from the fire" was the universal reply. As I was the only sober one (due to pregnancy), I picked up a shovel and started to bury the petrol can in dirt to extinguish the flames.

All I could think was "what was I thinking, breeding with this idiot".

Fortunately, 14 years down the line, the idiot gene from his dad seem to have skipped this generation.
( camp freddy well, would you look at that!, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 13:47, 4 replies)

Never put your hands in your pockets while wearing tight jeans
if it has been raining and you have leather-soled shoes on as if you slip over you can't get your hands out of your pockets fast enough to stop your face hitting the pavement

Chicks might dig scars but broken teeth less so
(twink, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 13:42, 2 replies)

Beer Floats
I enjoy root beer floats. Why wouldn't I enjoy real beer floats? I gave it a try and it tasted probably as vile as everyone would have thought.

However, none predicted that the beer transformed entirely into foam when it hit the ice cream. An ounce of beer overflowed the glass.

I finished off the tainted ice cream directly and had beer chasers to enjoy the luxurious belching that dwarfed mere beer alone.
( tromboner cherophobia is my kind of fun, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 13:25, 2 replies)

Those WERE the droids I was looking for..

( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 13:23, 1 reply)

The TARDIS landed
in the car park of my local pub last night.

We all rushed out to see, as the door opened and the Doctor emerged.

"What a fine welcoming committee!" he said. "What year is this?"

"2010!" I shouted, stepping forward.

"Bugger, wrong year," the Doctor muttered. "Ah well." Then he grinned at me. "Fancy a quick spin around the universe?"

"No, thanks", I said.

Then he got back into the TARDIS and vanished from my life forever.

What was I thinking? Well I had just got a pint in. I could have taken it with me but knowing the Doctor's piloting skills (or lack of them) I'd have probably spilt it.

Still. What could have been.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 13:04, Reply)

my ex was a ginger
nuff said!
(Anne Frank started to build a loft conversion on, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 13:01, 13 replies)

Let me give you a massage
Patsy's nightclub, Ryde, Isle of Wight, somewhen in the mid-1990s.

Captain Brian and I are sitting in an alcove having a quite serious chat about life, relationships, etc. etc. Several pints had been imbibed but we were still quite sober.

All of a sudden, this rather attractive, but obviously tipsy, young lass leaps onto us. "Let me give you a massage!"

"No thanks," we both said.

In hindsight we should have said, "Yes, please!"

Pair of domers.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 12:54, Reply)

When connecting a car battery charger
The correct method is NOT to switch it on at the mains, grasp both metal clips firmly, and connect them both at once.


Edit: Something very similar is true of turning the power off before changing a lightbulb in an inaccessible socket.
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 12:49, 7 replies)

Red Alart
So my current manager has a tendency to go red when his getting wound up, so my contracts coming to the end and I thought it would be funny to make a little book called Red Alert and how to work with it.
It’s included mutable photos of my managed at different stages of his redness,
Starts from Code 0 all the way to ten.
I think my only mistake was posting it on are inturnet for all to look over.
(seejay2010, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 12:49, 3 replies)

Nurse!
Bit of a pea.

I was 17/18 out on a school night (A-levels) at the main club in town with a few mates.

Night going very well due to much alcholic brain lubricant. Start chatting to an absolute stunner (long dark hair, tanned, amazing boobs etc..). We start dancing and sucking the air out of each other's lungs and a good night is had by all.

The end of the evening approaches and she asks if I'd like to stay at hers. (She was a nurse sharing with friends).

I said... no... My STUPID virginal self, could only think of the logistics of transport and the cost of a taxi, rather than the cherry-popping delights than no-doubt awaited me.

Do I regret it? Not really, it was perhaps foolish at the time. But, I'm not a one-night-stand person, beliving in chivalry and all that polite other stuff.

Ive been in a fantastic relationship for a long time now, with the World's most perfect woman. So I win basically.

Length? Bigger now.
(Deskbound You insignificant speck of dust, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 12:46, 8 replies)

Don't ever
throw a huge wet tree branch onto a fire. I did and still have the scar on my chin where one of the splinters just failed to embed itself in my skull following the inevitable explosion. I really should stop throwing objects into fires to see what happens.
( slartifartfast When all around are losing their heads, duck., Fri 24 Sep 2010, 12:43, 1 reply)

Got involved with a friends girlfriend
Unfortunately fell in love, turns out she was a manipulative cow who does this thing regularly when she 'wants a break' from her boyfriend.

I always thought I would see someone like that coming a mile away, and I should have with her, she was the size of house.
( Bamboo Steamer, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 11:52, 9 replies)

I only wanted a sandwich!
So there I was, baking a loaf of bread. It was late, and I was tired, and the next thing I know half of London's up in flames...
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 24 Sep 2010, 11:39, 15 replies)

It would now cost me plenty of Yen…

I was young and naïve but there’s still no excuse. Many years ago I would visit a friend at Oxford Brookes Uni for many a night out. The SU bar was frequented a lot and drunken shenanigans were a plenty. One night will always stick in my mind though.

Drinking the night away I spotted a picture of beauty. A Japanese girl that was dressed as only hot Japanese girls can be – like a school girl, with knee socks and everything. I introduced myself, ah, she spoke barley any English… so luckily her friend did a lot of translating, before she got bored and left us to it. Well, we chatted as best as two people who can’t speak each other’s languages can. Then got drunk. And spent the rest of the night snogging.

So at the end of the night I wasn’t so sure what to do. She wanted to come with me, but I wasn’t really sure if she did or was just nodding at everything I was saying because she was scared and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to take her home and think that the crying and moaning was what Japanese girls normally do – as much as pron had told me they do anyway.

So I did what I thought was right and left her at her halls door and went back with my friends, alone.

In hindsight, I now know she was inviting me in to stay. Hindsight is all well and good but I turned down a Japanese girl who spoke no English and who was dressed as a schoolgirl. I will end up playing plenty of Yen at some point to recreate what I could have had for free. If only I wasn’t so naïve.
(CornishStanley can't post hyperlinks, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 11:00, 2 replies)

Worst chat up line ever.
"Do I smell of curry?" I had to repeat it three times because the music in the club was so loud. To be fair, I had just had a curry, but no fingers or tops. NOTHING.
(thegreatgondorf, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 10:57, 4 replies)

What was I thinking?
I tried to sell massive drugs in the same town as a B3ta user who owns a Honda accord.

I eat through a straw and even today my urine still contains a mixture of blood and engine oil.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 10:27, Reply)

Bad move
When I graduated all those years ago, I didn't have a bloody clue what to do. The only thing I was really interested in was writing, and I couldn't figure out a way to turn that into a job. I managed to get a crappy summer job clearing ut a building company's warehouses whilst living at home, and applied for every job I could think of meantime.

In the end I only found a dismal temping office job in Edinburgh. I didn't have any $$ to set myself in a flat there so commuted through from Stirling, where I knew someone with a room to let. This commute, and the fact that I was only a keyboard monkey, left me with next to no money to spare at the end of the week. I griped about this to the others in the office, and one guy said "Why don't you move into a hostel in Edinburgh? Then you'll be able to save up the deposit for a flat."

LIKE A FUCKING MORON that's what I did. I moved out of a comfortable flat and into a FUCKING HOSTEL with 12 beds in one large dormitory, one step off being homeless. And the stupid thing was that I saved next to no money on it because there were no cooking facilities so I had to eat takeaways every day.

So there I was, in a situation with zero privacy, surrounded by people who I loathed - obviously projecting my shame into ill-feeling towards them. I was making hardly enough money to get by and wondered why the fuck I was bothering. Naturally the only way to get out of this situation was to take MASSIVEDRUGS - but that's another story. Regardless, that was one of the stupidest decisions I've ever made.
(McChinaman banned, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 9:33, 1 reply)

It makes the beer go chocolatey
Many years ago, while mildly inebriated, I decided a bowl of Coco Pops would be in order.

Unfortunately there was no milk.

I can report that for the first couple of spoonfuls a bowl of Coco Pops and lager is quite nice, but once you get beyond that it is not the pleasant dining experience you might imagine.

I didn't vomit, but it was touch and go for a while.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 9:23, 10 replies)

During the 70s and 80s
I stored my extensive pornography collection in a number of hedges. Some bastard kids stole the lot.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 8:16, 7 replies)

two words...twice...
'I do' x 2
(vitty And now...F5 F5 F5 F5 F5, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 8:02, 12 replies)

A famous "what was I thinking
William James describes a man who got the experience from laughing-gas; whenever he was under its influence, he knew the secret of the universe, but when he came to, he had forgotten it. At last, with immense effort, he wrote down the secret before the vision had faded. When completely recovered, he rushed to see what he had written. It was "A smell of petroleum prevails throughout."

Bertrand Russell, A History of Western Philosophy.
(unclestinky, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 6:54, 7 replies)

I'd have saved a mountain of cash, and avoided lots of aggravation.
Her: That does it. We're through.
Me: Okay.

... five minutes later ...

Her (snivelling): I didn't mean it. I don't want us to break up.
Me: Okay.


I guess I should have stuck to her guns. It's not as if the sex was particularly good, come to think of it.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 4:04, 3 replies)

As a young man..
I got terribly drunk at a house party and called my dad to come pick me up. We drove home with my head sticking out the window, trying my very hardest not to throw up. We finally got home, I couldnt take it anymore, I ran straight into the bathroom which was opposite the front door and shouted soup into the bathtub. I was scooping/pushing everything down the plughole when I noticed a piece of chicken too big to fit down there. So I did what my drunken brain thought would be most logical. I picked it up and ate it. It wasnt bad actually, tasted exactly the same as when I had eaten it a few hours previously.

No apologies, im new at this.
(krupa, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 2:46, 12 replies)

bugger
Girlfriend of 4/5 years bailed out when I purchased a house it cost sooooo much and this was 1998ish AArghhh
regrets? I did not give her the clap or at least herpes or a smack over her head with an ford fiesta
(BigThrobbingGristle, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 23:53, Reply)

Whisky error
Only a young un 16 ish, lovely girlfriend smart in all aspects. Well cracking party at "Monroes wine bar" however prior myself and Andy drank a large amount of whiskey before hand. This was error no.1 Then error no.2 A fumble on a bench by a Priory which left us with limited dignity (my fault), then to the glorious winebar which is where ...,
no 3 .Consumed more beer passed out and several bunts(I now know who you are are and you all lived with your parents STILL at over 30!!) put fag ends up my nose! I look forward to seeing you Mark&Simon argh nd simons name was durham. but he was a simply bunt in the end.

apologies to the nice lass , she went to cambridge and now who knows but I still remember the silver earings I got her
(BigThrobbingGristle, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 23:41, 11 replies)

I'm typing this one handed, the other hand has
slapped itself firmly against my forehead, as it always does in recollection of this adolescent memory. Dredging up regret is great isn't it. Thanks B3ta :)

I'd just started getting very close to a friend of mine who I'd fancied for ages (lets call her twin#1), she was beautiful, kind and funny as fuck. Absolutley besotted. Being a shy one it'd taken me a massively long time before I managed to pluck out the feather of courage from the chicken of cold sweats and heart palpatations and tell her how I felt. Well, as it turned out she felt the same (queue bubbling butterflies in belly).

However, she had a twin sister (twin#2), obviously just as attractive but no where near as good a personality and a little bit more unhinged mentally but an ok mate all the same. Anyway it all came about at a house party, and this twin#1 or 'lass of my dreams' (who was rather pissed and stoned and having paranoid twin thoughts) expressed her worry that I fancied her sister just as much as her. I, also pissed and stoned with little experience of the female psyche and at having my heart in my throat when hearing this, bumbled out some crap with a possibly perceived lack of passion which didn't do enough to reassure her. Subsequently she stubornly decided to believe herself instead of me.

*Interlude*

Welcoming on board my old friend 'defeatist attitude' I proceeded to drown my sorrows with three quarters of a bottle of cheap vodka and ended up in this sort of state... www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-XAJ8sD_lM

*Interlude over*

Later in the night, sat on a chair in a room by myself spinning out to fuck, twin#2 comes in and starts talking to me for a while. By this point I can only utter brief mumblings and grunts of how much I like her sister. In response to this and to my surprise she blurts out how much she likes me and in the blink of an eye I'm straddled with lips planted firmly on my face. For the first 10 seconds my booze ridden brain was still catching up with what was transpiring. However in the mean time my lower brain (located in the trouseroblongata) said 'this is fucking ace! keep this going!! At this exaaaaact moment, and I emphasise EXACT massively, twin#1's head just pops in through the door, gives a me a mortified look and pegs it. I panic, throw twin#2 to the floor and take up chase.
Didn't work. An uber excessively inebriated, cock legged, alcohol novice, 16 year old boy can't even catch a spatchcocked cockerspatula in a cock eyed spatula cocking competition (scientific fact).

Anyway after this failed pursuit I return to my previous stupor x10 only to then unsuspectingly be greeted, out of no where, by a volley of very firm punches to the face by twin#2 for throwing her on the floor mid passionate embrace. Needless to say blah blah blah nothing happened with either of them again.

We're all still really good mates now surprisingly and oh, how we laugh together about that fateful night. HA HA Ha ha ha h h *cough* *sniff* *weep*
(Braising Squid, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 23:40, 4 replies)

I was offered a job with
Northern Broadside but turned it down to work at Derby Playhouse.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 23 Sep 2010, 22:40, 1 reply)

lovely Girl & friend
I'll keep it short and stupid.

Me & mate. At club. Meet a lovely girl and friend. Talk, laugh, drink, dance, have fun. Go back to mate's house for a smoke. Girl's friend goes home, Girl wants to stay. Girl's friend asks me to bring Girl back later. I agree.

90 minutes later Girl decides she wants to go and asks me to take her. No problem, I say. Down road we walk, all of ten doors before "here we are".

"Would you like to come in?" Girl says.

"No thanks" I say. "I only live down the road."

I stroll on, happy in my chivalry.
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 22:35, 4 replies)

I spent
many hours at teenage parties spurning the advances of various women because "You're too drunk and I'd hate you to do something you'd regret"

I somehow thought this would lead to a great deal of respect and admiration (And probably slightly less noble things) from the opposite sex. An investment, if you will.

I would have done better with Enron stocks...
(Kendal, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 22:22, 3 replies)

One occured about 4 hours ago...
I've just had an op to remove a stubborn (and rather sizeable) Kidney Stone this afternoon which involved cameras, hooks and lasers being introduced via the 'gentleman's area', which all went well thankfully. However, when my surgeon (a rather lovely lady probably only a handful of years older than myself) visited me just after coming around in a ward she sat down, asked if I was ok and then said:
"To be honest, it's one of the biggest ones I've seen in a while"

I blame some of the anaesthetic still in my system for immediately replying:

"Thanks, and what about the Kidney Stone"?

She saw the funny side, which was lucky.
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 22:20, 8 replies)