I once read...
The diary of Mary,
Who was a farmer of dairy,
The contents were rather scary,
When she found out she got rather lary!
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Wed 7 Feb 2007, 13:07, Reply)

Sneep
I once read Sneep's mind - Not nice.

Does that count?

BTW - Sneep - EEEeeeeeeeeeewwww

:-)

Incidentally, the story was indeed tenuous, but there were Dear Dierdre letters in it - doesn't that count?
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Wed 7 Feb 2007, 12:57, Reply)

James Tiger Woods
...I once wiped my arse with The Sun. Unfortunately more shit came off the paper! Barrump tish!

(Apologies, I have never owned a diary or a dairy so I had to resort to a stolen comeback joke in reply to a post that was also nothing to do with the QOTW. I'd be obliged if anybody could help this post assume a tenuous link to the QOTW so it wouldn't look like I was typing an offtopic answer because I'm sad and lonely.)

It's not the length or girth I'm worried about, it's the green spots.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Wed 7 Feb 2007, 12:31, Reply)

First QOTW
My first was straight to video, featuring the likes of Full Metal Mickie and Debbie Does Daleks.
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Wed 7 Feb 2007, 12:19, Reply)

Slight 'jack'
But does noone else remember the question of the week "housemates from hell" ?
A couple of years back I seem to recall. Can't find it now though :(

wrt Diaries: The last entry in my diary when I was 13 was along the lines of: "I hope mum never finds out that I once (almost nearly not quite) tried smoking, as it would destroy her."

Angsty teenage shite, but she would have gone over the top. Crap diary though.

My sister's was far more interesting. With some stuff I didn't want to know :S
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Wed 7 Feb 2007, 11:34, Reply)

'Diary' is spelled a bit like 'dairy'
Well done for spotting this, everyone. Enough now.
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Wed 7 Feb 2007, 11:09, Reply)

Not a diary, but an exam
Greek kids are the biggest cheats in the world. I discovered this while teaching them English a few years ago. We used to joke that if you gave the class a piece of paper and asked them to write their own name on it, you'd collect 15 pieces of paper with the class swot's name on it.

Nothing I could do would stop them copying. Even the intelligent ones would copy from their stupid neighbours because the culture dictates that copying is better than knowing. It's their way of beating the system. So I decided to get my revenge.

I gave them an end of term exam and 'accidentally' left a fake answer key on my desk. Then I read a magazine. Naturally, the kids at the front started to pass the answers around in whispers and on pieces of paper. Even the clever kids gave the stolen answers more credence than the obviously correct answers.

Everybody failed. When I told them of my ruse, they were outraged that I had cheated them. The school made me re-do the exam, this time allowing the students to cheat properly.
(frankspencer, Wed 7 Feb 2007, 10:26, Reply)

School Diary
About 14/15 a friend and I 'accidentally' happened to read a girls diary at school, I was mentioned in it as being tall and her wondering if everything was in proportion! This caused great hilarity to my friend.
Pity (or lucky!) she never found out the truth ;)
(Underpants, Wed 7 Feb 2007, 10:26, Reply)

I had this friend called Adrian

and unbenownst to anyone, he was the owner of a facility for the extraction and processing of animal milk for human consumption...

sorry.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 7 Feb 2007, 10:00, Reply)

Nosey mum gets a shock
The initial three months of any relationship has you both at it like bunnies at any and every opportunity, so naturally a few years back when I was courting ex-Mrs PJM and we weren't at it we'd be exchanging letters and phone calls of a somewhat steamy nature.

I was still living with my parents at the time, which made such communications a subtle and hushed affair. My mum (bless 'er) was somewhat slow on the uptake and after a couple of months asked me if I was "being careful", somewhat oblivious to the fact that I'd been being careful for the previous seven years.

Anyway, I'm at work one morning when the phone rings.

"Hello mum" said I

"A package arrived in the post for you this morning, not sure what it is. Do you want me to open it?"

Now I was expecting a delivery of a bit for my car (some thieving chav had nicked my 'GTI' badge) so I thought yeah why not...

"Oh. I think it's from ex-mrs PJM" said mum, with a slight note of shock in her voice.

I found out why when I got home. The silly cow had sent me the tiniest and least subtle pair of panties in her collection through the post...

Mum couldn't look me in the eye for a while.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 7 Feb 2007, 9:48, Reply)

found an emotionally-scarring picture in someone's email
So like, I was maybe 14 or 15 or so, and at the time I used hotmail and I had heard much about all those "hotmail exploits" that claimed to work.

Long story short, I eventually heard of one which involved sending a specific string to "[email protected]", which just like every other one, was a lie or a dysfunctional hoax. So of course, I tested it first with a fake account, and upon noticing the account did not actually exist, I thought it'd be sheer genius to make it, and so I did..... and what'd ya know.. tons of random not-very-tech-savvy-people's logins came about on their own, and for fun I started checking out some of them. I didn't have any evil plans in mind... just something to read when I got bored.

So I read some, and they were normal mail, nothing special, but then I came by to some Spanish guy's very angsty email argument with some other guy over god knows what. As I saw it develop over the course of a few emails, it eventually ended with one end going "Suck my dick!" with a picture attached...

.......yes, of his dick, laying there.. hairy, flaccid, in several megapixels of hi res detailed glory, right on top of the scanner the photo was taken with. It was then when I closed the window, logged off, and never checked out any of the accounts ever again.

Bare in mind at the time I had not yet been exposed to goatse and the other horrifying pictures in the internets. Oh well.
(al3d, Wed 7 Feb 2007, 8:49, Reply)

Really shit story
I accidentally read The Sun*

I'm so ashamed.

* Not true - I wouldn't wipe my arse with it - I'm a Telegraph man

Length - Heh heh ;-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Wed 7 Feb 2007, 8:43, Reply)

Weapon X
Have a look at this story, which was recently on my local news:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16811596/
(WillF http://www.flickr.com/photos/silverfischdotnet/, Wed 7 Feb 2007, 5:39, Reply)

Diary of shame
When I was about 21 a couple of friends read a diary of mine – it was okay though as I’d let them. I figured it was just the usual teenage bullsh*t you write when you’re thirteen and think no one else could possibly know the pain of pimples, exams and unrequited lust.

There was lots of ‘I really like [insert name here]. I really, really hate [insert name here]. What is the point of [insert tortured issue of the week here]???’ My friends were having a good chuckle but I just shrugged it off. There wasn’t anything truly embarrassing in there… or was there?

One of my friends started doubling over with laughter at one particular point, while the others demanded to know what was so funny. So she read it out:

‘I’ve been having such a bad day, but now I’m listening to “Hold me now” by Johnny Logan. Oh, that song is so inspirational and beautiful, it really touches my heart.’

Oh the shame. I can never live it down.

Length? The song is 3 minutes of excremental pap.
(blu-k, Wed 7 Feb 2007, 1:27, Reply)

weapon X
Yep, you must report this, if only just to cover you own ass. If it gets out that you found it and didn't report it...Ring the filth.
(menashem, Wed 7 Feb 2007, 0:51, Reply)

Not a diary...
but rather a letter.A few years ago,whilst living with mum and dad,the post arrived.Now,I have the same first name as my dad,which could be awkward,but most of the time,you could tell who letters were for by looking at the envelope.Anyway,there was a letter addressed to one of us which looked ambiguous,so I opened it.
In short,I learn that I have a half-brother I knew nothing of.Thankfully,its from before he and my mum got together,so no worries there.He may not actually be my dad's,although he always accepted responsibility for him.I haven't met him and have no desire to either.As things stand,a DNA test is pending to determine whether he is actually my dad's progeny.
Bloody philandering parents.
(archroy Get down wi' yer bad self., Wed 7 Feb 2007, 0:31, Reply)

Weapon X
I agree with previous post.

As for me, the only thing that comes remotely close is I picked up the 'ankh-morpork watch diary' that was on a bookshelf at home, in which my older brother had written some very sparse entries. The one that caught my eye was 'I can't even remember which day I did it on, maybe Wednesday?'. We can only speculate as to what it was he did, and with whom.

Oh, and also he once scanned his cock, and the scanner software automatically shows the last image scanned, even if the puter's been off since. Not pleasant. Not quite a diary though, unless it had been a regular thing *shudder*

hope he's not reading this
(Stu Moo winner of five nobble piece prizes, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 23:04, Reply)

Weapon-X
Well, they may well be ancient pictures or photoshopped fakes that have gone round the web 15 million times that he keeps out of pervy completism, but how are you going to know that? Hand the problem over to the experts. I.e. dob him in. Or at least explain your concerns to a nice policeperson.
(littlesunshine licked your blinky diodes on, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 23:03, Reply)

Weapon-X
Police. Tomorrow morning.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 22:58, Reply)

Erm, Weapon-X
I think that you need to find someone to report that to. In a legal way. Soon. I fear that by remaining silent you may be complicit, even if this guy's unsavoury stash was unwitting.

For my own part, I recently re-read my own teenage diary after discovering it in a box that had lain unopened for many years and I was almost tempted to study quantum mechanics for the pure purpose of inventing a time machine to go back in time and off myself to put myself and the friends and family of the pubescent me out of our collective misery.

When I was 13, I fancied Eric Idle and had press clippings of Jason Donovan stuck into the cover for fucks sake. In what way is that normal behaviour?
(EricPhillips, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 22:34, Reply)

Legitimate tale of woe
This is a response as much as it is a cry for help.
This weekend, I did some work for a guy on hi computer, a simple re-install of windows.
He asked me to retrieve his audio files from the hard drive. While searching for the media, I came across his vast and varied collection of porn, from midgets to scat. However, amongst all this, granted in a much smaller quantity were some images of people who were clearly not old enough to be viewed in this way.
I'm at a loss for what to do about it.

There's no punch line, I'm deadly serious.

EDIT:
Got a message, he wants me to add some anti-virus software on the weekend after next. Since the HDD is clean as of Saturday, I'll check once more when I have the machine, if it's clean we'll call it an accident or morbid curiousity, otherwise I guess I'll have to report it.
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 21:29, Reply)

Diary
Í´ve only just started keeping a diary, doubt it´d be interesting if anyone else read it, apart from the parents whose children I babysit - I swear one of those kids has undiagnosed ADHD...

I support Blacktangled´s call for a Horrible Housemates QOTW. Please click *I like this* OR, even better, on Blacktangled´s post below, to support the suggestion!
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 19:41, Reply)

I've just read my girlfriend's diary
it was pretty dirty. So dirty in fact that I had a bit of a wank while reading it. I was careful not to jizz on the pages though.

I'm a non-diary creamer.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 18:36, Reply)

Never again
will I read a gf's diary, although it's compelling stuff and you can't put it down even tho' you are reading about a bloke she likes who has a makka nob..

death would be less painful and less full of makka nobs (hopefully)
(bonester tex_piss, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 17:24, Reply)

My Talking Book
During a Pride festival last year I completely lost my voice due to too much shouting from a float and having sung in two shows just beforehand. I couldn't make a sound at all.

So a friend bought me a nicely bound blank book to "speak" in. It was fantastic, it was actually really good fun having to get poeple to read everything and people wanted to join in and write things in it. I didn't get my voice back for three days so it recorded the course of my conversations over that time. Now, Pride being basically a huge patry and excuse to get mashed from morning to night for a weekend, you could tell the progress of my diminishing sobriety (and occassionally patience). I quite often look back into it if I fancy a laugh. Much of it I don't remember writing. Here is a fairly representative synopsis of some of it:

"20 Marlborio Lights Please"
"Pint of carling please"
"Thought you were going to the Queens Arms"
"Where the fuck is Andrew?"
"Brighton"
"No I'm not deaf, I've lost my voice"
"I can't fucking lipread just cos I can't speak!!"
"Gambia"
"No you can't, it's MY book"
"I don't try to borrow your larynx do i?"
"20 Marlborio Lights Please"
"thanks"
"about 30?"
"wanker"
"singing too much"
"can't do sign language"
"type of dog"
"8"

(writing gets scribblier and scribblier)
"f U cKKK OOfff"
"is your pill working yet?"
"it's open til 6am"
"i'm going home i'm pissed"
"pint of carling mate" (with a few 'repeat' circles around it)
"he's a cunt and I don't like him"
"i'm pissed see you tommorrow"
"arsehole"
"blue"
"look at that arse"
"hello (actually) i'm writing in your book"
"mine get off"
"!"
"carling"
"can you walk me home i feel ill"
( Actually i was skiving on, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 17:20, Reply)

chilling
maybe its because hes just a tad french.
you know, as in not english.
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 16:57, Reply)

E mail Zola
What the Fuck?

You don't know what WTF means?
(chilling, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 16:46, Reply)