PJM
unfortunately I have, however I made her shave her twat so afterwards it didnt seem so bad.
but I never wrote this down in my diary,


or hers.
( turb0t, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 17:36, Reply)

the humiliation.
the diary that i kept when i was 16, pathetically angsty and at boarding school went missing for 4 months, and later turned up in the housemistress' office (who'd made no effort to return it to me, even though it had my name on the inside), presumably after being read by all the sixth form house staff, luckily for them it was pretty dull. especially when you compare it to the utter burning shame of finding the notes from my dad and his (much) younger girlfriend's sex therapy sessions. i read about 3 lines before i wanted to claw my eyes out...
(sarcasticgirl, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 17:36, Reply)

I've never shagged a ginger
Dear Diary

I almost had a heart attack today when I uncovered some worrying evidence that a lady I've been seeing has previously slept with a man of the ginger persuasion.

Thankfully, I'm assure that he is in fact strawberry blond which puts matters in a whole new perspective.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Feb 2007, 17:26, Reply)

mickturate
i don't keep a diary, sorry to disappoint... my best friend's got stolen when we were about 14 and all the boys in the class read it.

they were baffled by the monthly references to "riff" (my friend called it "riffraff" because it was unwanted and always turning up) and the next thing i knew, i was surrounded by boys frantic to know what it could have meant. and the bitch had put all my no-longer secret crushes in there as well.

it put me off for life.

i'd get me one of those blog things, though, if they weren't banned on my work computer...

EDIT - HEY! I'VE NEVER SHAGGED A GINGER!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 17:15, Reply)

DiamonKn
I'm sure I've had her...
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Feb 2007, 17:11, Reply)

Not something for 10am on a Wednesday morning
I sort of do a touch of semi helpdesk support for people in my office, a few weeks ago one girl called Anne was having a few troubles with her e-mail, so I duly went over to investigate.

1st you need to picture Anne, mid 30's about 5 2" quite overweight, corn beef legs with no calves, severely thick glasses and she is still dressed by her mum in cardigans and the like with a reminiscent of Noel's house party to boot!

Anyways I digress, I sat at her machine and her inbox had auto preview enabled on trying to locate the problem I could not help but notice the conversation that was going on with her and I can only assume some guy she was seeing, only caught a slight glimpse, however that was enough and I had to severely bite my tongue, fix the problem and run away. It was along these lines

Anne: It's really hot and uncomfortable in the office at the moment, especially with this annoying itchy thrush I have xx

BF: It's ok babe, just imagine me blowing cool air over your itchy cunt right now, which should make you feel better xx

I nearly died!
(DiamonKn My Nan Smells of Twigs, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 16:43, Reply)

real world example of why bloggs are for knobs
at uni we liked to play bogies in class. my relatively Chinese mate would start by abusing me racially and i'd more than willingly reply in like kind (kind of like Political correctness bogies)

all well and good.

towards the end of the third year, we started getting "extreme". seeing as how calculating the gain of parabolic dishes for the 5th time wasn't stimulating. we would start at your mum and work our way from there. the class had by now learnt to either join in, or filter our the constant murmur of cocks and balls.

one day i wasn't satisfyed with "boobies" any more, and by this point everyone was chatting away oblivious to whatever the lecturer was saying. so i decided to stand up and announce very loudly:

"just because i suck mens cocks, it doesn't mean i'm gay"*


i now have a stalker called kris.


I looked like a twat, but its was worth it as i won. but if we translate this to the "blogosphere" what do you win? if your lucky an "inr3d1bl3 0ff3r for \/iagr4"

kids: say no to blogs,


*i till this day hold the record for most points scored
(KaiserPro captain arse rape, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 16:23, Reply)

I need to burn my eyes out...
Not strictly reading but...

My boss had his holiday photos on a CD, and, after some badgering from my female colleagues, agreed to show them to us as a slideshow.

All was going normally - boss on a boat, boss on the golf course, boss and wife in the bar, boss and kids in the pool - until suddenly it became "boss in his Y-fronts pulling a body-building pose".

Hello, lunch, haven't seen you recently...
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 16:18, Reply)

Jesus' Diary
Not many people know about Jesus' diary, which was found in the caves of Qum'Ran in modern Palestine. Fortunately, I managed to get hold of some copies on Ebay. They make pretty interesting reading.

25th April: I know, I know - the Judeo-Chjristian calendar doesn't yet exist, but it's going to and you'd all better get used to it. Went down the church today for a quick pray and found loads of merchants in there. Well, I went ballistic and kicked 'em all out. That's going to stir it up at the Sanhedrin methinks.

27th April: Bloody Lazarus playing dead again. Every other day his relatives are coming to me and saying he's croaked. This time I whispered in his ear: "If you pull this again, I'll turn your gonads into loaves." Well, he was up like a flash and everyone started yelling "Miracle!" Yeah, blah blah blah ...

29th April - That bloody Judas! We were strolling around in Gethsemane and he wanders up for a quick kiss. "Not in public" I says ... but at that moment all these soldiers appear. The disciples start acting tough but I tell 'em to calm down. Now I'm down the nick.

30th April - Had a word with old Pontius Pilate. He's got OCD, that man. Always washing his bloody hands! Anyway, he wanted me to stop the preaching and I had to tell him no way. That's my bag, mate, I said. So they're gonna nail me up. Had a wafty crank while the guard wasn't looking.

1st May: Made me carry the cross myself, the lazy buggers. Got a bit lippy with 'em and they flogged me good, the swines. Anyhoo, they nailed to the cross and I 'died' and they thrust a bloody spear in me side just to make sure. That stung like a bastard, I'll tell ya.

2nd May - Rolled the stone away and was 'resurrected'. I was bloody starving, so I took a quick detour across the water and this bunch of fisherman started yelling "miracle!" Give me a break, I thought. I just want a cheese sarni. It's tough being the Lord, you know.
(frankspencer, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 16:16, Reply)

I've just read a few of these stories...
...and so far none of them have been about reading other people's diaries.

So here's a vaguely-related story:

I left my mobile phone at work one night a few years ago. When I got in the next day, my boss said "You left your phone here. You've got three messages - one was from your Mum, the other two are from people I don't know."

He'd seen my phone on my desk when he got in, saw that it had new texts, and read them all.

/slightly-amusing but not QOTW related entry blog
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 16:13, Reply)

Wife, best friend; a common enough tale, but there is a joke at the end!!!
Oh dear, in the spirit of a lot of these posts where we can share the pain of being shat upon by now ex-partners...

3 years ago in the browser history of the home PC I spotted an entry for "hotmail folder: John". Mmmm.. I thought, strange, I only know one John and he's my best mate, now why would my missus have a hotmail account that I didn't know about with a folder titled "John"?

Well, obviously the installation of a key logger that night revealed all the following day when I managed to get into her secret email account and read all the lovely messages and dirty stories they'd been sending each other for 3 months along with the descriptions of what they'd done and would like to do to each other!!!!

When I confronted her that evening, she had no real choice bu the admit it but somehow it was all my fault for "not communicating". She then said that she fancied a 3sum. With hindsight I should have told her then to sling her hook, but my little head overuled my thinking head and I agreed, you see, I still loved her and couldn't imagine life without her and thought that maybe this would help somehow! (I know , I know, hindsight's easy).

So we had a few 3sums, she was a slut during them I'll give her that...but after a while you realise that it's just not right. It took me 2 years to finally realise that she was never going to love me again and that I didn't love her anymore and I eventually ended a 20+ year relationship with the mad slapper bitch!

And now I have a girlfriend who loves me, actually wants to shag me and is incredibly sexy and fun to be with.

And she ,the mad slapper bitch, is having to learn to deal with getting a job , living to a budget and pleasuring herself for a change! I pity whoever ends up with her and her issues!

Guys and girls, a piece of advice, if you catch your partner cheating, it's over, right! No doubts, no way back, it's over, walk away and find someone else! Believe me, I wish someone had told me that 3 years ago, would have saved me 3 years of hell on earth!

And breathe....

right, so to lighten this post up and in a pathetic attempt to get people to click the "I like this" link here's a joke:

Q: Why do mice have small balls?
A: Becuase not many of them can dance!

Click it you b3stards, you know that's a brilliant joke and worthy of making up for the lack of humour in the rest of the post!!!!

Length, girth? The girlfriend says it's too much sometimes but I think she's just being nice!
(anon_is_best, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 16:13, Reply)

and her parents love me...
My ex-girlfriend's Dad was always a quiet chap, and from all I could tell he didn't like me and he didn't like me fondling his daughter.

His private study was on the top floor of their house and he used to relax there smoking his cigars and watching golf videos...or so he claimed.

One day I was permitted to enter the office for 'work related' internet usage. My ex was downstairs and he was out on a golf course somewhere. Doing my usual scan of preferred websites I noticed some porn sites coming up in the address box predicitive list. Thought nothing of it really until on closer inspection i realised that most of them were gay sites and a large proportion were chicks with dicks.

Swifty retreating from the computer i managed to contain my hysterics in front of my ex but relished telling some trustyworthy friends as soon as i had chance.

Met my ex recently for a drink and asked how he was. Surprisingly still married.
(mattdel, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 15:56, Reply)

gallows humour
not one to agree with people out of principle, but there is a strong case for humour in the face of adversity. coming from a family which endured the concentration camps and the rule of fascist Italy, I am under no illusions as to how much was suffered during this period. Yet I will never forget my Great Grandmother (an Italian, lived there during the war, had some awful stories to tell) watching an article on the news. Bear in mind we were sitting in the social room of the nursing home she lived in. After a piece on some political gerrymandering, she made a comment on how underhanded politics was, and why couldn't they all get along. She turned to me, gave me a conspiratorial wink and said very loudly "Mussolini never had this problem - bless Il Duce". In her best thick Italian accent. She was laughing about it for bloody weeks. She found it funny, she lived through it.
hmmm rant over
(kaptinkurtz, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 15:34, Reply)

A travelling salesman also once tried to eat my liver
I read his diary with some brussel sprouts and a glass of Turnip Juice.
(LunarJim, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 15:12, Reply)

A travelling salesman once tried to read my diary
I ate his liver, with some fava beans and a Niiiice Chianti.

Actually it was with some Green Giant Sweetcorn and a can of Tizer. Sorry.
(LunarJim, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 15:03, Reply)

I was working as a cleaner....
....In a local infant school. One of those nasty jobs you have to take when you've got no other work experience and you need cash to get drunk like any normal teenager.

One particular day, just after lunch I was sent off to go and clean the lavvies as was the norm. Now, I don't know what they'd been feeding the little buggers for lunch, but there was shit everywhere as soon as I entered the door.... up the walls, all over the floor, virtually filling the pan. It was explosive. Pretty much like every single child had developed stomach cramps and pebbledashed the toilets. There were all the colours of the brown rainbow.

It took me a whole two hours to clean up and stank of shit and bleach. I'll never forget my personal experience of other people's dia.... hang on... I've misread that haven't I....
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Fri 2 Feb 2007, 14:53, Reply)

Re re funny Holocaust
Nope. It's not funny.

Boring yes but funny? Nah.
(flibbley lame balloon man far and wee, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 14:24, Reply)

Oh god, why would you write that?
"Thanks" to websites like livejournal, we have better access to dirty laundry than any other generation. You can "filter" your entries, but sometimes they don't work.

It was in this way that I found out my very first boyfriend ever had his very first wank while looking at himself in the mirror.

In his sister's clothes.

All the attractive men and women in the universe to choose from, and who did he find the sexiest beast ever? Himself. In his sister's panties.

We are no longer dating.
(Alliath, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 14:23, Reply)

Bitch bitch bitch...
I think I will regret posting this but I love you guys and feel the need to share!

My ex keeps a list of men who she has shagged in her scrap book along with their star signs, what they looked like and some kind of scoring system, if you know what I mean...

Of course I read the bits about me during the honeymoon period when we first got together and was obviously impressed with my own score because I'm a great shag! Obviously.

Why is she now my ex? When I happened upon the book nearly a year later there were more names after mine. That's correct. More names meaning she had fucked a most of the people she worked with and a bunch of other random bastards too since we got together!

How did I confront her without letting slip that I had read her secret book? I told her that I had caught knob rot from her and demanded to know the truth! She lied about it for ages and then confessed . . .
(aroe_m0rre, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 14:08, Reply)

Co-workers
Not my story, but an ex of mine was fixing something up on his workmate's laptop, only to come across reams of she-male pornography in his 'Net history. There are some things you don't need to know about people you have to see on a daily basis. I only had to see him at the places 'bring a partner' parties and that was bad enough.
(the nightmare of cake, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 13:59, Reply)

Re funny Holocaust
Humour is the only possible way of approaching unfathomable tragedy. Hence the mordant Russian sense of humour, and the amount of Jewish gallows humour about millennia of persecution. Read "This Way for the Gas, Ladies and Gentlemen" by Tadeusz Borowski, a Pole who survived Auschwitz. Or Kurt Vonnegut while we're at it. Less of the po face.

On topic:I bought a diary once.
(frankspencer, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 13:58, Reply)

*sighs*
*reads all the current answers*

I can say I've never read anyone else's diary - I once checked my boyfriend's emails, but I was 14 and he wasn't actually doing anything. I actually make a point of not looking at people's phones when they're ringing or when they have a text and I pass them the aforementioned phone, generally adhering to strict "I wouldn't want it done to me".

This stems from a slightly troubled homelife (as we all have, surely). But being a delicate intellectual flower *hur hur* I kept a diary from the age of 10. I had books and books of mostly twaddle. They only started to get interesting when I tried to off myself, moved into some pretty supreme bullying-based angst and got engaged, all fairly typical 15 year old girl stuff.

However, my loving mother decided to have a good snoop. I thought something was amiss when she dragged me into the house by my tie after I got back from school and my afternoon didn't get any better after that!

Suffice to say I was fairly put-upon after that, my mobile was smashed with a hammer accompanied with banshee like screaming, I was put on what are now known to be very dangerous anti-depressants to put an adolescent on and ended up running away from home two weeks after my sixteenth birthday.

I managed to disappear off the planet for nearly three years before someone let slip to my mother where I was. Damnit. However, the relationship between her and I is irreparably damaged and I'll never forgive her as long as I live for denying me the chance of a "normal" life, :).

Morale of the story...

Write everything anonymously on a website!!!!

Apologies for length, but there were six bookfuls :). Still got them at my ex fiancé's, I'd love to read it all again.
( The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 13:51, Reply)

now thats a QOTW: make the holocaust funny
Only of course it isn't.
couldn't be done
neither should anti god jibes, whether Islam, jewish or teh other one...but that teh life of brain was wannit?
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 13:40, Reply)

Susan; the drunken ex....
y'know you shouldn't
a) shag her 'one last time' when she turns up pissed
b) pick up the handbag flotsam that she's knocked to the floor when she finally falls unconscious
c) read the rough draft/s in her diary of a letter to her new lover: d)I've never felt this way before, we have such a spiritual connection'
'nobody has ever touched my soul like this'
I can't wait until we sleep together again and....it went on and on in this way.
she lasted with that one until she found him in a spiritual connection with another woman, and thats Karma innit:
Mrs Hogg, what goes around comes around!
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 13:32, Reply)

Anne Frank kept a diary
which you've looked at. Well done, but not sufficiently well done to make the Holocaust funny.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 13:29, Reply)

Heck
"Apologies for length but at least now I know what a proper cock feels like"

I accidentally read this at work and fell off my chair in surpirse. The rest of the studio think Im ill - does a hangover count
(kaptinkurtz, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 13:25, Reply)

rachelswipe: can I read your diary?
things i'd find in it: encounters with various munters/gingers and malingerers and enough hand candy for a year.....no doubt
plus the occasional:oohh get her. ?
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 13:24, Reply)

Wrong!
Once I was quite innocently looking through some family photos on my Stepmum's computer, photos of my little brother and sister at Christmas, that sort of thing, when I stumbled across a picture of my Dad, cock and balls out, sprawled on the sofa. (My little brother was also semi-naked and I think he was playing with himself, but it's allowed when you're three)

Anyway suffice to say I screamed very loudly and closed the window. Can't remember now whether I bothered to open more documents to get it off the recent documents list in the start menu.

Length? I wasn't looking, you dirty fuckers.
(Marmite Omelette ...but I feel better having screamed, don't you?, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 13:06, Reply)

bloody aussies

I have an aussie wife and one of her mates from back home came to doss for a few days.

"He is lovely!" She said.

"Really chilled out!"

Cue both of them going for a shopping trip and me left at home. I get a call and need to write down a message for the wife and see the dosser's notebook on top of his rucksack. I open it up to find a spare page only to find reams and reams of erotic poetry about my wife inviting her to "wear your sexy red sunnies" and to "shit in my mouth".

Hmmm....

Didn't say anything about it at the time, but he certainly won't be dossing again. Told the wife a week after he left and I still laugh whenver she wears the "red sunglasses"...
(stealing green, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 13:03, Reply)

Wanker
I had my suspicions about my ex for a long time. Various combinations of medical and psychological problems made sex excruciatingly painful for me for almost a year, and rather than being sympathetic and understanding and working around it he instead used to say things like "If you don't start putting out I just don't know what I'd do if I was left alone with another woman". Thanks, dickhead, not like I wasn't gagging for some action (just not with HIM...but that's for later).

Anyway, he starts going on about this girl called Susie that he and his munter of an ex used to have threesomes with (Mr Sensitive he wasn't). Bleach-blonde 23 year old, with two kids by different fathers, who was an "amateur glamour model" - in other words I frequently caught my ex looking at naked pictures of her on the internet.

I ask him what's going on and he says they're just friends.

So I wait till he's out of the house one day and go through his message history on MSN (I knew all his passwords to everything)...

Cue reams of sordid and horrible conversation, basically him telling her he'd been trying to arrange a visit (which he had) but that I'd said no (which I had) - and said he wasn't surprised because apparently if I'd left the room for a second he'd be all over her. Cue a dialogue that read like one of frankspencer's QOTWs.

He comes homes, I'm in a screaming rage, throwing things, God knows what....then I stayed with him for another four months.

Who said the title was referring to HIM?

Anyway, the upshot of all this was that by the time I really wanted out (for the sake of the current Mr Spazzcat) I had more ammo than North Korea.

The end. Apologies for length but at least now I know what a proper cock feels like.
( Spazzcat jam out with your clam out, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 12:48, Reply)