She was only a farmer's daughter but she could bang like a barn door
I was 22 and fresh out of uni when I met Barbara - I was between jobs and picked up some casual labouring work on her dad's farm that summer. She was your original English Rose - she'd done Finishing School, Chalet Girl stuff, the works - thick as shit but with tits you just wanted to bury your head in. She was back living at home after a failed engagement, I think she was about ten years older than me . We'd got chatting over a cup of tea and she made it clear she was up for a quick roll in the hay…well, I thought it was that she was after but it turned out that dear old Babs was a bit of a connoisseur when it came to 'unusual' sexual practices. Not perhaps every young man's dream, maybe a few nightmares….but fuck me, she was a goer. One night in the barn she'd told me about how she'd done a Rebecca Loos when she was in her teens (if you don't know what I'm talking about - Google it) but that was fairly normal on a livestock farm - everyone had to pitch in and ….lend a hand…

So, one evening all the farm work was done, her dad had retired to the house to get pissed on gin and Babs came out to bring me a beer as I finished up on the tractor. "I'm not wearing any knickers, you know" was her opening gambit - I almost lost the top of my finger as the screwdriver I was using slipped. She took the tool out of my hand, dropped it to the floor of the shed and then placed her manicured fingers onto the crotch of my oily jeans. A sharp intake of breath from me and then I almost burst out laughing as she said, "Come on big boy, show me your tool. " In minutes she was over the workshop bench, skirt around her waist and my cock pounding away like a steamroller's pistons.

She repeated this every day for about a week and then things began to turn - which is where the 'surgery' comes in….



We'd fucked everywhere around the farm whenever we could - I'd shot coils of hot white man fat all over her amazing tits, I'd rammed my lamb cannon (thank you Pooflake for that one!) up her Gary in the middle of a field in the midday sun and she'd bounced up and down as the vicar drove past at dusk. There was nothing she wouldn't do…or hadn't tried. And then she started to say how she fancied be a Dom to my Sub. I'd got a balaclava but I told her it was a bit warm for that. But no, that's not what she wanted…

So that's how I found myself stark bollock naked in the hay barn tied to an old cartwheel like some perverted early Christian martyr as she spanked my hairy arse with a lump of 4x2, cock and balls slapping in the wind and Babs stopping every so often to slide her meaty fingers into her drizzling clunge and moan about Colin fucking Firth. When she finally stopped moaning about wanting to bugger Darcy with a horse's cock she untied me and pushed me onto the hay bales. Babs had slightly bucked teeth which grazed my balls gently as she sucked and slobbered like a day old calf but that all helped to make me harder than the average Young Farmer on market day. As she slid down my throbbing pork sword and ploughed her own furrow deep and hard my delicate arse was taking a pounding from something sticking in the bales.

The lump of 4x2 that she'd spanked me with was grinding into my reddening cheeks and even managing to send sneaky splinters into my hairy dark hole where the barking spider lives. The strange thing is that rather than making me cry out in pain - and it was fucking painful - this was adding to the frisson. Her huge dark brown nipples were hypnotising me as they jiggled in front of my eyes and her deep crimson pocket gripped and slicked my own seed drill in a way that would have made Jethro Tull's eyes water. When at last I exploded baby butter deep inside her and she moaned like a ewe having a hard shit and only then did the pain begin. It was like I'd had a rusty cheese grater shave the hair on my arse. I turned over and Babs began the painful DIY surgery - she removed every fucking one of the huge splinters that were embedded deeply into each cheek. I almost cried with pain as each one was dragged out gripped tightly between her perfect French manicured nails - the only thing that stopped me was Babs - her nose just like a truffle hunting piglet, she finished up by giving the rusty sheriff's badge a thorough lick.


I had to stop seeing her then though - she gave me ringworm.
(Stiff Richard, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 16:17, 22 replies)

you are SpankyHanky
aicmfp
(square go, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 18:40, closed)

I thought that

( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 20:23, closed)

Why do these cunts always rip off spanky rather than Frankspencer?
He was funny, this is just poorly written wank fantasy.

With the emphasis on 'fantasy'.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 22:10, closed)

I haven't read any of this wankers shit, but qotw needs frankspencer for mod!!!!
Always in r hartz
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 23:18, closed)

It's hard to emulate Frankspencer's style.
I once tried, it sounded shit so I deleted it again.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 9:20, closed)

I enjoyed this
There's been a dearth of quality grot on here recently.
( Scrumper, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 21:05, closed)

Seriously, there's real porn on the internet now.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 22:20, closed)

And real comedy as well.
So why do you bother posting at all?
( Wanderer, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 23:45, closed)

I'm trying to help here.
Scrumper appears unaware that you can look at at, real live naked ladies(and gentlemen, it's the 21st century now) on the internet rather than hanging around a comedy website waiting for someone to reprodice a hamfisted letter they sent to Razzle but had rejected due to it being too unbelievable.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 7:00, closed)

and they say qotw is nothing but a pile of lies!

( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 22:21, closed)

Well I for one can't see any reason why this can't be completely and totally true.
Other than the fact that it's clearly a load of probably plagiarised toss.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 22:26, closed)

Sounds like
a certain episode of "How Not to Live Your Life". The one where he dates posh bird whose dad is so posh he can't understand a word he says. And then spits out caviar and says 'it tastes like gas' which made me have to pause the telly until I stopped laughing.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 9:23, closed)

READ AND LEARN
THIS is the level of Sex Bullshit that is required.

b3ta.com/talk/6879373
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 22:44, closed)

oh dear, may have died of laughing *wheeeeee*
( vladimir, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 22:58, closed)

oh sweet lord, i need new underwear after reading that

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 0:22, closed)

this made me laugh like a loon at work

(augsav forgot about B3ta, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 5:30, closed)

oh man, that is class

( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 9:28, closed)

Sorry to be pedantic
but the remit was DIY surgery, so this isn't strictly relevant. It's a shame, because you obviously put a lot of effort into this and you've obviously overcome a few issues in life.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 22:46, closed)

hmm
I didn't think it was that good.. I like either laughter or moisture. The OP worked better...
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 22:59, closed)

Bullshit and Bullshitters was last week

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 11:42, closed)

:)
Every week is bullshitters week on B3ta!
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 12:44, closed)

I enjoyed reading this
People complaining that you are "not as good as Frank Spencer was": if everyone thought like that, nobody would bother to write anything as it's never going to be as good as Shakespeare, Dickens, Blyton, etc.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 14:10, closed)