New apartment, great first impression (another booze related story...)
juliajuliajulia's story reminded me of the first apartment some friends and I occupied after I moved out of my dad's house. First year of uni and enjoying my near limitless freedom to drink, etc.

The night began with a small group of friends in our new barely furnished place; much alcohol was purchased and much was consumed. We were getting roudy and my Doors records were now blaring loudly throughout the building when our downstairs neighbours decided to introduce themselves and invite us down to carry on the revelry. We'd all just entered their nicely furnished place when my memory gets a little patchy and only the most dramatic moments remain in my mind.

In sequence:

We sit on their couch...

My friend Ian is hitting on the hottest of our new acquaintances...

*BLEEEEYEECH* (The sound of me projectile vomiting across their living room creating a brownish streak along the carpet and about a metre up the opposite wall)...

*WHAM SMASH CLUNK* (Me again, collapsing on their glass coffee table, the table top survived, the half dozen glass bottles on it were not so lucky)...

I woke up the next morning dimly aware of having done something dramatically stupid but not what. The memories came back over the following few hours. I'd destroyed the mood totally and Ian never did bed our hot neighbour, oddly they never invited us back...

So I'd ruined our collective first impression, pissed off everyone, and indirectly cockblocked a friend of mine all because Tequila is not my friend and I was too stupid to leave it alone.

In the end it became a funny memory and my infamy was short lived as another friend about a month later puked over our balcony and directly onto theirs. Those poor people...

Insert regulation size, grade 3F Length Joke (Mk4) here.
(The Bloody Awful Warsaw Concerto, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 6:43, Reply)

Dead Arm
My girlfriend goes to work early in the morning, and often leaves me, a filthy student, to lie in bed for a few more hours.

One day, just after we'd said our goodbyes, I rolled over and went back to sleep. In doing this I had, unbeknown to me, placed around 10st of myself on my poor left arm.

Cut to around 10:30AM, and I am roused from my slumber. However, there is a problem - I don't appear to be able to move my left arm. It hasn't just gone a bit numb, it has been full on paralysed. This shits me up a little bit, as even though I'm right handed, my left arm is a valued part of my anatomy. After the initial shock had worn away, I began to think about what I should do. Like most men I'm sure, my gut instinct was to go for one of those fabled wanks where because your arm is numb it's like someone else is doing it. Unfortunately my fingers were so paralysed it was impossible to grasp anything, so that plan was out of the window. I eventually decided to investigate whether I'd lost my postural reflexes as well. I dragged my left arm up above the head of my prone body with my right hand, and then let go in order to see if I could maintain my arm's position.

I couldn't. I couldn't right into my face. Furthermore, because my arm was completely dead I was unable to subconsciously slow my arm down on it's descent to my evidently already severely damaged head, so I got punched in the face by gravity first thing in the morning. Fuck you Newton, fuck you...
(Dowbocop, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 1:37, 4 replies)

Not dumb, however...
...is booking the entirety of this week off work.

Rested? That's me ;)

That said, I'm getting a little bored and restless now, and my sleep pattern is fucked-up. Not to mention that my comparative inaction this week coupled with the xmas chocolate I'm having to get through here, well, I may have some love handles to deal with by next week.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 23:12, Reply)

ps3
my brother got a ps3 for christmas, on the 28th december, I spilt milk on it.

Luckily, it's still working.
(lei, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 22:57, 1 reply)

nasal drops-eye drops
approximtely this time last year i was living in auckland, new zealand. in case anyone knows it.
had a stinking wierd summer cold, bad eyes and nose, fucked sinuses etc.

started drinking early in a pub where a friend worked called the playhouse.
after a couple of hours and several monteith's
we headed down town toward the main area of bars, "the viaduct", on the way we passed my block so i popped in to dose up on nasal drops and eye drops.

now, not wanting to have to catch everybody up, i raced to my floor, into my appartment, and into the bathroom where my medication was kept.
now i dont know why bu the nasal stuff i bought didnt come with a spray nozzle, this made it smilar style bottle to my eye drops.
you can probably guesse where this is going...
i realised as soon as the 2nd or 3rd drop hit my open, waiting eyeball.
FFFFUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK MMMMMMMEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

i didnt leave the batchroom for 20 minuits.
when i made it to a bar called "fox's" i had no choice but to tell everyone, i couldnt hide the worst bloodshot eye ever.
funny now but hurt like a bastard when it happened.
(klegnut, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 22:39, 2 replies)

Teenage pillockness
I set fire to the tv accidently by moving from the working unit to a little to close to cooker hob whilst I was cooking and didn't notice the flames at first because Bobby's boat had just caught fire on Home and Away. Unplugged then panicked thinking water on electric no good so I thought a little water wont do any harm so got on of mum's best china cups and filled that with water I'm screaming for my mum to come to the rescue all the time. (If you've ever seen that scene in Fresh Prince of Bel Air -well it's uncanny really).

I also once decided that it would be a really good idea to see if the icicle on the window ledge if it it would melt really quickly on the lovely 70's style glass-fronted fire. It did melt and cracked the front of the fire too. Mum not too impressed again!

Then a few years later decided to have.. well, several house parties well mum was away and flooded the kitchen twice had a couple of food fights, broke the TV, killed the gold fish (noone ever owned up to shit-stained y fronts on the washing line) and invited a psycho bitch who completely trashed the kitchen and nicked a load of money off me. The one clever thing I did was make sure I was on the other side of the world when she got back and was gone for 5 weeks giving my mum a little time at least for it to die down.

Oh and I once put my knickers in the microwave to dry and set them on fire. Would have got away with 4hrs of cleaning if my best friend hadn't bloody drunkerly blabbed at my mum's 40th.
(brocky, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 22:12, Reply)

Burnt palm
When I was about 6 years old, my Mum and I were living at my grandparents house for a while. Anyhoo... Mum was out somwehere... and my nan had just given me a big juicy ice pop. But the ice hurt my sensitive teeth... so I went and put the electric hob on - thinking maybe I could melt the ice pop a little bit. But how would I know it was warm enough to do it? Oh by putting my palm flat down onto the electric ring. Twat! Yes it hurt, yes I cried, yes I had blisters.
Stupid thing was... I couldn't own up to what I'd done... so I went out into the garden... and blew on my sore hand lots hoping it would miraculously heal. Eventually the pain was too much... so I went and held out my hand to my Nan - who incorrectly assumed I'd been messing around with her deck-chair and sustained an injury that way. Erm...
(canarynightlife "Some weasel nicked the cork from my lunch! ", Thu 3 Jan 2008, 22:11, Reply)

My work collegue has just informed me
that while in a bad mood with our boss before xmas, she superimposed a picture of him on a picture of a duck, with a speech bubble coming out of his mouth saying "I'm a wanker. Quack Quack." She saved it to her USB stick.

The same USB stick she just lent him to put a presentation on.

She's now hoping and praying that he keeps his beak out (honk!) of her files...
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 21:09, 1 reply)

Slaughters post reminded me....
A couple of months ago I fell over outside Morrisons - but It was one of those falls where you run forward thinking you can stop yourself falling. Just makes you look more stupid. Also a young guy came over to see if I was ok. Made my feel really old. I should have let him help me up and copped a feel.*laughs*
( girlinthehole, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 20:46, 1 reply)

Just been reminded by other tales of hot item grabbery
A few weeks ago I managed to crash my motorbike (nothing too serious). After spending a good few hours drilling and carefully extracting a snapped bolt from the engine block I put in a new exhaust gasket and bolted the exhaust back in place.

Due to having tinkered with the bike a test-ride was in order; fired it up and it all seemed to work fine, took it all out for a ride and everything seemed fine apart from a bent brake lever.

Got it home and decided to make sure that the exhaust was still nice and secure. This is where my common sense lapsed- off came the nice thick, protective leather glove from the hand, which was then applied directly to the hottest part of the exhaust pipe right by the engine. For a split second I thought there was some movement, then I realised the give was in my fingers and was due to the skin melting.

Still have slightly shiny fingertips on my right hand but no severe burns.
(madsporkmurderer, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 20:39, 2 replies)

I went arse over tit tonight
whilst getting off my motorbike in my (rather slippery) back yard.

No damage to either me or the bike, but I felt like a fool.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 20:29, Reply)

Reminded by Devil_In_Tights
Christmas day, sat around the table after a surprisingly successful lunch all letting the huge pile of grub die down, out come the party poppers.

Wahey. One doesn't work though? The explosive just falls out onto the dinner plate.

Aha! I will pick it up and detonate it in between thumb and forefinger. Knowing it will hurt, i still went ahead with it, and my god. Yes it did hurt.


First post and all that.
(sjp., Thu 3 Jan 2008, 19:59, Reply)

Idiot 2...
I moved to Spain n then for some insane reason came back to England.....

I have since learnt the error of my ways and am leaving again on the 6th ..!! (",) Happy-ness all around...!!
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 19:10, Reply)

Maybe
if we all look away at the same time, (a watched pot never boils) when we look back there'll be a new QOTW?
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 3 Jan 2008, 19:03, 3 replies)

Totally made up...
And with apologies to Viz. From their letters page...

I came home from work the other night and found the missus in the kitchen pouring a pan of freshly boiled spaghetti over her head.

"I'm just putting the dinner on", she quipped.

How we laughed on the way to the burns unit.

/Gone...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 3 Jan 2008, 18:29, 7 replies)

Making myself blind
I had some new contacts from the opticians. Each eye is a different prescription. They are daily disposibles and once they are in you cannot take them out to clean.

I put the packets in front of me and put them in. about two hours later i realised i may have put the wrong contacts in my eyes.

Another hour later, i realised i had gone blind in my left eye. That perhaps was the dumbest thing i had done.
( squiddylyd Once you pop you can't stop!, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 17:51, 1 reply)

Electrickery revisited
My car is a bit damp inside, having had a leak from one of the rear windows. "Aha!", I thought, "I'll put the fan heater and the dehumidifier on in the car. That'll dry it out nicely..."

So I got the big long extension lead, ran it out to the car, got the fan heater and the dehumidifier, carried them out to the car, and started to set it all up.


Then my eyes lit upon my inverter (which lets you run mains stuff in the car) sitting on the seat. "Hmm. The inverter is 350 watts, the dehumidifier is 250 watts, I could run it off the inverter. No wait, that's stupid, it'll flatten the battery. Hey, I know, it would be great if I had a thing like an inverter but the other way round, so I could plug my car into the mains and charge up the... no, wait, that's a battery charger."

Length? 45 metres if you unroll the whole thing.
(gordonjcp, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 17:32, Reply)

Another vague recollection from out of nowhere...
As a kid, I spent the best part of an hour one bonfire night seeing just how hot I could make the end of a stick in a bonfire. It was a glowing red-hot ember before I got bored and decided to do something else... which turned out to be even more boring, so a couple of minutes later I resumed my previous task. But, being me, I picked up the stick by the wrong end. Doh! I vaguely remember the very slow realisation of what I'd done and the blisters lasting a long time, but little else.
(misanthrope is so adjective he's verbing nouns!, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 17:30, Reply)

not me - but the criminal underclass of burton on trent in an orgy of thievery.
"In another attack on a parked car, a vintage mobile phone was stolen from a people carrier parked in a Stretton street. Police said the Citroen Picasso was attacked while unlocked on a driveway in Lyndham Avenue between noon on Monday and 11.10am yesterday. Officers described the property stolen as a "15-year-old mobile phone", a black wallet and £2 in cash."

not sure whether the theft was the silliest thing, or the description of a brick as 'vintage'
(magictorch, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 17:10, 3 replies)

last night at the pub
a friend told me he'd found me passed out at the new year's party and propped me up against the bath tub.

i dont remember this.
(ladyintheradiator, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 16:59, Reply)

Once
I licked a lightbulb when it was switched on.

I was 10, reading a book before going to bed, when I picked up the lamp (it was a clippy one that went just above my bed). I looked at it, like a child would stare into the sun in that curious way till it looks like a white pill in the sky (obviously done that too much too).

Then for some unknown reason I quickly and fluently took the biggest *lap* of it, right from the back of my tongue, to the front, like it was a melting ice cream. My tongue couldn't hack it. Screaming in obvious derision and the stupidity of my actions, I ran to the tap and posted myself to the cold water tap for the next 10 minutes.

As I fell asleep that night with mouth wide open, tongue protruded out, pool of saliva increasing around me, I was terrified I'd burnt all my taste buds away, and had become in essence, Dave Lister with only one taste bud.

Luckily, if you had seen my belly, you'll know I gained them back.
(1.21 Gigawatts, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 16:54, 1 reply)

You Coin't Be Serious?
So, after all of the Yuletide Festivities that coincide with the Primary Gifting Season (thanks, Bill Bailey), the Mrs and I wanted to go shopping for food, but wanted to do it in a cost effective manner.

Therefore, every spare coin in the house was duly bagged up so we could exchange it at Sainsburys for a food voucher.

Here comes the dumb bit. I was sat in the lounge, waiting for her to do whatever it is she does while she's getting ready. I had £40 of coins in two bags, throwing them in the air and catching them; noting the action of my hand as the coins landed in my palm.

"I wonder," I thought "how much would it hurt if I put my hand flat on the floor and then drop the bag?"

My hand hurt very soon afterwards, and quite a lot. The dumb thing is that I knew it would hurt, so why did I try it in the first place?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 16:27, 1 reply)

The most stupidest thing I've done to myself is.....
Keep returning to B3ta in hope that the qotw as changed - done this quite a few times today.

Can't imagine I'll ever top this in my lifetime.
( girlinthehole, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 15:55, 11 replies)

Got a hook in my cheek
Out fishing on New Years Day, partying on the shore and the fish are biting like they never have done.
There's 6 of us having a blast. My rod gets snagged. Instead of tightening the drag and pulling straight like every good angler knows, I just gave my rod a mighty heave. Hook comes loose, lands in cheek.
Fucking hurt pulling it out with pliers.

Length? It was a size 12 dry fly hook.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 15:54, 3 replies)

I got so pissed over Christmas and New year...

That I completely forgot to change the QOTW after two weeks!

D'oh
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 3 Jan 2008, 15:47, 2 replies)

Not me, but my dad
When he was a little-un, he went to a bonfire at a local park on Bonfire night. He was given a sparkler, and a toffee apple, and was taken to watch the firework display. So taken was he by the dazzling rockets, that he forgot what he was holding and threw his toffee apple in a bucket of water and put the spent-but-still-mighty-hot sparkler in his mouth ...
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 15:22, 1 reply)

Whilst drunken at a party
I thought it would be a hoot to slide down the stairs on my front, however I forgot to lift my head and ended up with carpet burns on my nose, chin and on the inside of my bottom lip.
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 14:57, 3 replies)

cupasoup
whilst idly chatting away, i forgot to boil the kettle. i waited 5 mins, expected it to be done and poured it in.

I stirred it, then took a big swig.

I still can't watch the TV advert where they are doing slammers and throwing cupasoups at the marathon runners as cheap chicken and mushroom flavours mixed in cold water comes as a flashback. the chunky bits stay crispy and hard. the other bits don't form the lovely "soup" - they just seem to float.

I coughed the whole big swig over my new squeeze and meant i got not one jolly off her for weeks.
i am a friggin idiot.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Thu 3 Jan 2008, 14:17, 2 replies)

i had a 2cv
it was my first car wot i owned, one of the deep blue ones, not a dolly, 1984 vintage, so much fun.

i took it to uni in the late nineties with me, a cheap run about to get from suffolk college out to orford or aldeborough for a smoke. lovley. but, it always had a problem.

the points kept going. and it would backfire/pink incesccantly. so much so that on trips back to the rents in burton, it would sometimes barely get there.

finally it ended up in my parents garage, used for the odd run around till last year - when motivated by the need for excess garage space, my dad scrapped it with my sad consent.

two weeks after its demise and transcendence to automotive heaven (or hell if you write for top gear) father and I were chatting about its issues. because it was pre unleaded and had no cat, basically every time i put unleaded in it, i killed it. for the want of a chaep additive i never used, and he never thought to tell me about.

arse.
(magictorch, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 13:58, 1 reply)

left Facebook open on Reception for all to see...
me and my friend Loz always send each other messages on Facebook throughout the day, you know, to kill the boredom of crappy office jobs and all that. Only one day, I did a VERY dumb thing... I needed to leave the desk for five mins to go do what should have been a quick job, only the quick job wound up with me leaving the desk for a lot longer than I intended to. In fact, I got so wrapped up with the task in hand that I clean forgot all about me and Loz's funny little convo, currently laid out there bare and vulnerable for all to see. Now at this point I need to tell you that we're waiting for a very important visit from the head of the company, and he's apparently very particular about the state of the reception desk; no clutter, no games/messenger on the desktop of the computer. Ok, so the scene is set.
So there I am, merrily rounding the corner en-route back to my desk whistling all the way when who should I see manning said un-manned desk but my feisty (and possibly part demon)boss..I stop dead in my tracks and mentally scream ‘Nooooooooooooo’ but alas, the damage is already, potentially done. The question is, did she or did she not read it?? I bloody well hope not. the conversation went thus:

Loz: *post funny story* haha thanks that was pretty funny! made me chortle,
now im back to being a miserable bastard.do you think its wrong to have a wank at work?!

Me: Nah, I had one just the other day, nothing like the good old 'cheer myself up' wank, I can just picture you going at it hell for leather in the toilets with a dead miserable expression on your face ha ha!
x
I'll send you another funny story in a minuet..fucks sake, haven't managed to complete one round of solitaire yet..bloody stupid post etc..

Loz: haha you slacker you! Nah you cant have a miserable face when u wank, i just practice my sex faces! you said you are just deadpan which is pretty cool but maybe you could prctice scary faces to make it more interesting? x

Me: could be wrong..but reckon that pulling my scaryest face ever whilst trying to get myself off might actually put me off my stride some lol...
So, you try out your sexy faces then hu?? jeez, I don't even have a sexy face, and how do you know if its sexy? do you try it out in the mirror first then or wha?..

I'm intruiged..

I'm always worried about the type of stupid face I might be pulling during my 'love making' do I A.) bounce away grinning like a smug cat who got the cream, B.) gurn away in fierce concentration or C all of the above..

Shit.
(misshotlips, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 13:38, 2 replies)