Oh yeah, this too
Back when I was, like, a cool rocker with my own 250cc motorbike and stuff, I went to my new female acquaintance's house near Belfast on it. This was about thirty miles of mostly country roads.
The trip there was fine, the visit even better. We got on famously and ended up on the couch snogging and dry humping for about 5 hours. Going home was fucking AGONY! I had to keep stopping and sitting on the ground to try and let my aching balls rest, took about three hours to get home. I ended up having to take two days off work til the swelling went down!
She wasn't heavy, not at all, very slim and really BONY!!!
Ow, still hurts just remembering
(foolish_child, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 12:02, Reply)

got one . .
This one made me the laughing stock in P7, though it's more stupid than funny :)
We were playing tag at break time and I had raced into the bogs to hide. The guy who was it came in so I turned on the spot and sprinted. Forgot I had my back to the wall and ran straight into it at full tilt, head first!
"Ow!" I thought, and raced out the door. The bell rang for the end of break and I hurried to line up, though my head was starting to ache a bit. Standing in line to go back in (as we did then) the teacher told me my head was bleeding. I reached up expecting to feel a cut and a drop of blood and when I looked at my hand it was covered in blood! The palm had a puddle of the stuff and I guess I must have been concussed or something 'cos I was practically covered in the red stuff and it was gushing merrily out of my split open forehead!
Looking back, her reaction was surprisingly understated :)
I ended up getting seven dirty great stitches across my eyebrow and forehead, and came first in the fancy dress when I went as a pirate while I still had them in!
(foolish_child, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 11:53, Reply)

Clothes Line!
My friends and I were jus' chillin' in the park, as is the wont of 12 year-old boys, waiting for something to happen (a girl to walk by, someone to say something interesting, puberty), when a group of bigger boys came along looking threatening.

Now, being a bunch of abject cowards, when we saw the bigger boys advancing, we thought it best to run away, and we did this quick smart.

We all run, fearing for our lives, out of the park. My friend Russell decides he's gonna take a hidden route through a hedge, and escape a possible beating, but fails to notice a green garden wire (apparently to support the hedge) at nose height...

Upon reaching the wire, Russell's nose and head stops, but the laws of physics state that his body should continue moving through just over 90 degrees before depositing him flat on his back.

We did manage to escape a beating (the bigger boys mistook us for another 'crew' that had 'dissed' them. Oh how we laughed), but Russell was left with a bright red six-inch welt across his upper lip.
( <somethingfunny> hasn't said anything funny since, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 11:51, Reply)

george formby
i know someone who got a stitch after snapping their banjo string during sex............
(were all dEvO!!, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 10:51, Reply)

I Once Went To Hospital
with a roll-on deodorant injury

well, the label did tell me to "push up bottom and twist". . .

(sorry)
(le renard, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 10:03, Reply)

oh i remembered another
my middle school had covered walkways, with beams every now and again to support the roof. once i was walking along, talking to one of my teachers, not paying attention to where i was going, and i walked headlong into one of the poles. i had a huge red mark on my forhead the rest of the day.

and my teacher?

she laughed. really hard.
(sponch!, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 9:59, Reply)

A friend of mine..
snapped his cock while having sex, had a whole in his urethra so it got infected.

He then went to a clinic and some bird had to shove what can only be described as a needle with a cotton bud on the end, down his cock.

The part of the story that makes it entertaining to me, is the reason for it:
she was on top, music channel in the background, marylin manson comes on.
I'll leave the rest to your imagination.
( kingkong., Mon 6 Sep 2004, 9:42, Reply)

The silence of the nuns.
During a hiking holiday in Wales I found a nunnery at the top of a mountain. I was exhausted and in a bad way, so they took me in to give me some dinner before sending me on my way.
It turned out the nuns inside had all taken a vow of silence. I was keen to see if I could get them to break this vow. So, during dinner, I stood on the table, dropped my trousers and began masterbating furiously.
True to their vows, not one of them spoke. However, the Mother Superior did start battering my member with a rack of lamb. A splintered bone ended up impaled in my knob.
Of course, my mum and dad and my toddler son (who were with me) all saw the funny side, but I was pissing like a sprinkler for weeks.


Then I woke up. Or something.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 8:33, Reply)

It shouldn't happen to a gamer...
I like mountain biking and I like video games.

Imagine my joy when they released that arcade game based on a downhill mountain bike race, where you sit on a faux bike and peddle away in front of a video screen.

I enjoyed it so much I strained my groin...
(Freegan Bikefascist, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 7:46, Reply)

yeah this is sad.
i'm so accident prone

i was walking down a flight of outdoor stairs at my college looking down at a magazine and something hit me in the back and knocked me the rest of the way down the stairs
i thought it was a frisbee or a football or something because a lot of people will play out there durring classes... so i look around and i see a bird that had a broken wing.

it had broken it when it flew down and hit me.


i was once trying to swim from one side of a pool to the other without coming up for air.
a little over halfway i open my eyes and see the wall about 10 feet away so i push off the bottem really hard only to discover that the wall was about 3 feet away and i gave myself a concussion and a broken nose from hitting the wall of the pool.


i was playing a game of tag with my friends when i was little and the guy that was it was chasing me around the yard and i see an open doorway
i make a mad dash and end up smacking into the plate glass sliding door so hard it cracks
i had another broken nose and another concussion

i was playing tetherball and i was swinging the ball and my thumb got caught on the ball and i ended up smashing it into the pole breaking it
2 weeks later it had healed up and i was sleeping and somehow stuck my thumb between the wall and my bed and i rolled over and rebroke it
2 weeks later i rebroke it again playing tetherball again.
2 weeks later my little sister rebroke it by shutting it in the car door on accident

ummmm

i'm a springboard and platform diving and i have broken my own nose twice from hitting myself when i hit the water

i once broke my pointer finger on the bottem of the pool on my last warmup dive before a major competition and i had to scratch from the competition.

i was playing football and the ball rolled away from the rest of the field and i was chasing it down and my coach called to me so i turned to look at him while i was running and ended up falling into a 3x5 wide and 6 foot deep hole that they had dug next to field to repair the sprinklers.
one minute i was there. the next down at the bottem of the hole

and last but not least i think

i was playing football and i weigh about 120 pounds and some girl that weighed about 280 tackled me.
she did a flying leap and landed on my back throwing me down flat and my coach that was standing about 15 yards away heard my three ribs break.
i had to lay with her on my back for about 30 minutes until an ambulance could come and get her off of me because they were afraid if she rolled of of me she might make a rib turn and puncture a lung
it was horrid


i think that's it

i'm so accident prone
(spiffy_socks, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 5:59, Reply)

Rolling Bed
I got a new bed. Old one was lying around. Being an ensemble, it had wheels on the bottom "half". Mates and I take it out onto the street (nice hill), and try to ride it. All the wheels crack/smash etc. Replace the wheels with four skateboards. Back onto the street. Bed rolls 30m or so down the road, straight into a driveway. As the bed hits, two of us try and ride it out. One of us tried to bail. Unfortunately he jumped in front of the bed. Bed keeps sliding, he takes two steps on the ground, then the bed is back underneath him. This causes him to fall forwards, bed stops, then he stops, only after hitting a small boulder the neighbours have in their garden. Two weeks of "this is still sore". Finally goes to the doctors, fractured arm. 10 weeks in plaster. Great fun explaining to everyone how he broke his arm riding a bed
(dvsdave, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 5:55, Reply)

Gurgh. Vasectomy....
Pre-op instructions to the patient for the night before: shave the area of concern. But...but...well, OK. Not exactly a part of the bod what are smooth as a baby's arse, but I gave it my best and a few nicks as well.

Doctor, upon seeing the theatre of operation the next day: "Oh, I see you started without me."
(One-eyed Jack, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 5:44, Reply)

when I was in the girl guides... (no laughing at the back please...)
We were playing a game of softball. Our team won and I was so excited that I threw my bat in the air to celebrate (I thought this was what cool baseball players did - how was I to know?). I meant to catch it, but unfortunately, I didn't and it landed on my face, and I got a black eye, which was embarrassing not only because I had to tell people how I had done it, but also I had to tell people I was in the girl guides, which was much worse.....
(lard-tastic, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 4:37, Reply)

I just got a gash on my finger
trying to make my system fan shutup because it was making it hard to focus on my wanking.
(That guy with a hat., Mon 6 Sep 2004, 4:15, Reply)

Dogs hurt, but so does gravity
Two embarassing injuries: I tried a flying kick at a bus stop (drunk), but when jumping tried to kick both legs into the bus stop - the bus stop escaped damage free, I had a headache for three days and limped for a week.

And dogs. Riding my mates bike, this dog's really irritating me by running around in front of me, so I try to steer away. Said dog follows, traps itself under my front wheel. I catapult over handlebars and land on a rather large, solid lump of mud. Bike follows, smacks me in the back of the legs, and causes immense pain. I feel like my back is broken. The only onlooker, she goes to check if her dog is ok. Bitch.
(CustardCar is riding the back. with a hat., Mon 6 Sep 2004, 1:37, Reply)

Forgot the recent classic....
Last friday I learnt that I got the job I appplied for, major celebrations with the mates. We're leaping around the pub at 4am like nutters, only for me to lose my balance and go headfirst into the carpet, Cue swollen lip and majorly grazed/bruised cheekbone. after a couple of days this turns into a rather horrific looking scab. Working behind the bar people keep asking who attacked me "cos' they'll get them". I have to admit 10 times a day that I lost a fight with gravity, and that's when they realize that it's not a black eye... it's carpet burn.
(Lemster the sound of one luma clamping, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 0:37, Reply)

No idiots were harmed in the making of this comedy mishap
When I used to be a hospital lab technician, I used to wear my labcoat outside the haematology lab, strictly against the rules, as it would cause people to stand aside for me at doors and so on, on the assumption that I was a doctor. Annoying and egotistical, but totally irrelevant.

Once a week, we lab rats would go down to the laundry room in our stained and grubby old coats to change them for lovely fresh new ones. The major part of this operation was to transfer all the pens and stuff from the top pocket of the old coat.

I ought to explain that the number of pens in a labcoat top pocket was a reliable indicator of importance. Senior doctors might have four colours of biros, a couple of felt tips, tounge depressors, tweezers, pencils... NHS hospitals are the most status-obsessed places in the world. Nobly saving lives is so often an ego trip, and in any case folk need something to make up for the shit money.

So, one fateful Wednesday I was just into my new coat, with a fistful of rarely used writing implements ready to go, when a red biro fell to the floor. After getting the rest in place I bent down to get it. Unknowingly, I put my heel firmly on the tail of the labcoat in doing so. Then I stood up.

Of course, once my legs were half straightened, there was only one place for my shoulders to go. In effect, I pulled myself over backwards, with my legs shooting more or less straight up into the air as soon as my arse hit the deck amid the clatter of pens.

Productivity was abysmal that day, as everyone started laughing again every time they saw me.
(you_can't_get_there_from_here, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 0:36, Reply)

Last year
I wasn't given a gym period and given I hate the class, I wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth. Some people noticed (students, teachers, gym teachers), but all they said was I'd have to take two next year. That was fine with me. I didn't have to take it then. I then formed this brilliant plan to avoid injury in gym class, by not exerting myself. Besides, what harm could come from sitting in front of a computer?

Fast forward to May of the following year, where I can barely stand due to insane back pain from stiff muscles.

I recuperate. It comes every now and then, but for most of the summer, I'm fine.

As soon as I get home from theatre camp, I spend about twelve hours on the computer. Since my first day home to this moment, I cannot bend at the waist and I have to hobble.

I acknowledge I am a fucking idiot.
(DeadCats, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 0:32, Reply)

Walking catlaogue of disaster: Brace yerself betty.
Via some twisted fate every accident I have is embarassing, but none of which match those from my teeneage days:

1) On holiday in france with the folks, we stop off to get some food from the supermarket, at the till point Mum and Dad are packing and pay the bill, all the time I'm off daydreaming with my head in hands and elbows on the conveyor belty thing: can you see it yet?, yup, it's time to go but I find myself suddenly unable to move 'cos the skin on my right elbow has (god knows how) become one with the conveyor belt. Que my dad and a felow tourist fighting the conveyor to free me, one very confused store manager attempting to dissasemble said conveyor with a tiny screwdriver from a cracker and one histerical cashier. They freed my arm and was promptly whisked out back by the manager to have my elbow sunk into iced fish. Yummy.

Two days later was chased along the whole length of a beach by a mad alsatian who decided to pounce.

2) Fell off a STATIONARY bicycle head first over the handlebars twisting a tooth 90 degs and leaving me with a nice hitler-tash shaped scab on my top lip..... school photo next day, couldn't wash my hair cos it hurt so much, so became a mini-hitler in the shot.

3) closed a pen-kinfe on my finger and had to have 8 stitches on my knuckle

4) Hit by some 80's volvo wielding bitch on my bicycle...
only to cycle into the back of a parked car a month later, again mashing my face up

5) Whilst hiking in Dartmoor we de-camp to finish off the trip only to find that my mate is shit at packing, so the cooking equipment ends up at the top of my rucksack causing a slight imbalance. fine.
an hour away from the end of the hike we find ourselves being followed by a herd of sheep so we start to bleet back at them. Bleet Bleet! I trip forwards, regain my balance only for the top heavy rucksack to continue in its trajectory smacking me in the back of my head and then head first into a rather large rock. Our leader over-panics and heads off to call help. I'm insisting that I'm fine, that my heads a bit sore, but no one will let me move. Cue the air-ambulance helicopter thingy. neck restarint, strapped onto a board and slotted into the arse the helicopter. the space is the size of a coffin, your head pokes out the other end and you stare through the windows in the roof. I'm told by the medic no to close my eyes. Cue lovely view of spinning sky and spinning rotorblades. once we land and I'm in hospital i'm still strapped to the board like some mummy, unable to move when the "bang head:be sick" urge kicks in and whilst attempting to gurgle for the nurse chunder into the neck restraint and all over my self. after 10 minutes of marinading and calling, the nurse arrives, and cleans me up. only to be stripped, flipped over and injected in the arse with a very long needle, "to stop it happening again".

I was later discharged as "there is nothing wrong".

6) Lastly, out with the mates recently, got totally lashed, we part company and ('cos i look silly when I run) they yell "run forest run!" at me as I run to the bus stop. People in the street yell "run forest!" too, as I promptly run into a lamp post... thats twice now.

maybe my post needs a diet?
(Lemster the sound of one luma clamping, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 0:31, Reply)

Nasty incidents
I'm just back from France. I was trying to impress my little nephew on a trampoline by doing a somersault (I ain't the most athletic of people really). Instead i just spacked out landing on my neck. Which still hurts like hell.

At a party a few months ago I was lying on the floor drinking beer when my mate jumps off the couch behind me. Landing with all his weight on his bony arse on my ribcage. Cue much crying and trying to scream out in pain whilst being unable to breath. And tryiong not to laugh - I always laugh when I'm pissed and in pain. The wanker managed to crack a couple of my ribs with his little arse...

Another time when drunk, I was making sure my female pisshead friend got home ok. We had an argument over something stupid and she went into her house. I tried to kick a tree stump and somehow managed to go flying backwards landing on my wrist. Ended up waking up next morning with a sore ankle and a hugely swollen wrist. which is never good for explaining. Wasnt broken thankfully, but it did need a tubigrip.
( Fudgebags will wear you like a glove, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 0:18, Reply)

Whistle Blood Fountain
When I was a small wee lass, I blew hard and long on a metal whistle, and blew, and blew and blew.

So happy was I with the noise that I blew even after it had unknowingly cut it's way into my tongue and blood started to bubble and spurt out of the top of the whistle, much to the alarm of my mother.

I can still see the cut now and have horrid misgivings about whistles.
(LaFamilleCatt, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 23:58, Reply)

Extreme Masturbating
I hate to say this, but when I was very young and not getting too much sex I tended wank a lot. It got to a stage where I was wanking between 5 - 10 times a day. However, my balls cracked up (they were the size of lemons and fuck it was painful), I was off to the doctors with swollen testicles. It was so bad I was on antibiotics. These days I got a bird quite happy to blow and bonk and every now and the I sneak a quick hand shandy in. But it doesn't pay to play...
(dernuke - ARTCRAP, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 23:49, Reply)

Naked Dinner...
My mate's brother, in true student fashion, got drunk, stripped naked and ran round his college at Cambridge uni (churchill, i think?) as part of a dare. He then proceeded to run into the dining hall, not realising that a cricket team dinner or something was in full swing: black tie and everything. So, rather wisely, he proceeded to make a sharp exit, only to run into a glass door and knock himself out. I can only imagine how he felt when he came round. No serious injuries, except his pride, perhaps.
(mister_charlie, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 23:43, Reply)

Once when I was seven..........
we were learning how to count using pinto beans in class, for soem reason I stuck one in each each and for some reason I only took one out. I forgot all about the bean in my ear. Fast forward two-three days and baths later, I get an earache and after telling my mom she rushes me to the ER. As it turns out, the combo of the warmth of my ear and regular watering made the bean start to swell in preperation for sprouting. They got the bean out with a scapel of some sort while i lay there restrained by 3-4 nurses. It hurt.
(La Chockita, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 22:52, Reply)

Nothing hurts as hard as Right Guard
one time i was on holiday in wales my friend thought it would be fun to spray me in the eye with deodorant as i entered the tent we were staying in. being startled by this, i foolishly began to not move. after i had recieved half a can of spray gunk to the peepers i spent the rest of the day complainging to my pals about how much my eye stang and itched.

nobody cared... :'(
(Slurpy The Frog, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 22:43, Reply)

Aren't Fun Houses Great?
When i was just an ickle bairn (a small child for all those who aren't from around "here")i went to a local fairground. at this local fairground there was a ride called "the Hawaii trip" which was a fun house ... apparently. in it, there were 2 conveyor belts. the first one was alright as a person who worked their carried small children across so they never hurt themselves, but the secon, much faster moving one was a solo act. to my suprise i made it all the way, but i was just a small, impressionable child being about 7 at the time and i saw the dude who carried me across the first one walk back aloong it, not noticing he kept his feet on the metal part, not on the actual belt. so i stepped back, onto the belt, had my feet ripped from under me and fell flat on my face, slid back to the end and my hand went underneath it.

DAMN did i scream like a bitch. it ripped most of my skin off my hand. i had to go to hospital, then again every week for about a year to get treatment. i now have 3 scars taking up most of the top of my hand.

that was the bestest ride ever.

what? ... throws of passion... erm not quite what i thought about it but never mind.
(Elfroid How Long Have We Had These?, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 22:27, Reply)

bikes and kipling cakes
Well once when I was quite young...around 4, i decided to make my mates watch me go down this relatively small hill which had quite a steep decent. To make my trip down I was on a pretty crappy tricycle, (with my shoe laces untied). Right at the top my laces got tangled into the spokes, and i ended up falling off backwards onto my face, which was subsequently dragged down the hill. My lips got quite torn up and swollen so i couldn't really eat anything apart from Mr Kipling cakes.
(PensocraticA, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 22:05, Reply)

It's not really my own injury
But once i was lying in bed at about 3am in autumn, when I heard this almighty crash. So I looked out of my window to find some drunken cunt with a motorbike lodged under my car, and his wheels still spinning. I ran outside, but by the time i got out, I saw him wobbly riding off, a huge gash in his leg.

If anyone sees him, can you tell him I'm gonna kick his arse?
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 21:39, Reply)

I hate my bike
Right, so i was vacationing on a small island off Maine a few summers ago, and I decided to go for a ride on my (absolute crap) bike. Now there is something you should know about my bike. I found it for free on a street corner and it lacks shocks, breaks, and the ability to change off of the highest gear.
So, I was pedaling up this evil evil hill, it must have had an incline of at least 65 degrees and it was extreamly long. Anyhoo I am pedaling up this hill on my highest gear very slowly and as i am about to reach the top my chain pops off!
So i begin rocketing down the hill backwards at like 80mph without breaks and at the bottom of the hill there was a seawall. If i didnt stop in time i would go flying off a cliff and into the ocean backwards.
So i tryed to kindof, spin around to right myself so i woulnd die. Bad idea when you are going that fast. my bike lifted off the ground in a short bound, flipping me off and proceding down the hill. As i was thrown off the bike i was still going pretty fast. I hit the ground and bounced once or twice before stopping. I was in too much pain to get up at teh time so i just let myself slowly roll down the hill.
I didnt get any permanet injurys but my bike was pretty mangled when i found it. I never found that chain.
(rabid-jackanape, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 21:33, Reply)

Stupid rather than sexual embarassing
Long story from my yoof .

Big party. Lots of drink. Lots more drink. Strange tablet someone gave me that I was stupid enough to take (no idea what it was).
Time to go home. 3am, Autumn, England on my motorbike. Heavy mist/fog. Fortunately no other traffic.

I realised I was having trouble 'chasing' the central white line in the road. It kept moving from side to side and I was having to swerve all the time to stay with it.

Near home in the thick fog I spotted the turning towards my road and turned into it. Still chasing the white line I found it was not the road I expected. It was a dead end with cars parked sideways across my path at the end. I slammed on my brakes way to late, the bike skidded onto it's side and I slid down the road on my knee.
Huge bang and revving of bike engine, the handlebars were wedged under the front wheel arch of a car, the throttle jammed open.
Smaller bang moments later as my crash helmet met the door of the same car ending my travels and saving my knee from further gravel rash.
I managed noisily to extract the heavy bike and ride away without getting caught though the bike was a pig to steer. Amazing the sobering effect the accident had.
Stumbled into my house, went straight to bed.
Woke up next morning to find the sheet stuck to my knee. I had taken the skin off down to the knee cap. Had to soak the sheet off.
I found the bike laying on it's side in the garden where I must have parked it and a battle damaged helmet in the hall.
I still have the scars to this day.
I won't say when or where it was in case it was your car I hit.
( Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 20:19, Reply)