I called the fire brigade once
Back when I was a student, I was sitting with a few friends in one of the pubs on London Road in Leicester when I noticed smoke billowing out of one of the buildings opposite. One quick 999 call and five minutes later a big shiny red fire engine had pulled up outside, disgorging a crew of firemen who proceeded to put out the fire.

Annoyingly, the young ladies I'd been hoping to impress were much taken with the firemen, less so with the gallant hero who had called them in the first place.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 16 May 2013, 14:00, 21 replies)

Ambulance Accident
My neighbours son is a paramedic - someone else drives the ambulance while he's in the back keeping the patient alive. Unfortunately while racing to the hospital the driver rolled the ambulance - the paramedic is now facing spinal surgery due to his injuries.

Can't imagine any practical way he could have been protected and still able to do his job, short of all-encompassing air bags ala "Demolition Man".

No idea if the patient was conscious or not (or survived), would have been a nightmare for them considering they were already in bad enough shape to require speedy transport to hospital.
( ferret -> twitter.com/syfyautocorrect <-, Thu 16 May 2013, 13:52, 6 replies)

things i've learned
from the staff at the A&E departments i've visited is that patience really is a virtue and, when they say something will hurt "a bit", you're about to suffer some serious pain.

also, the word "manipulation" is to be feared.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 16 May 2013, 13:43, 4 replies)

I've just completed my intensive care course.
The course was divided into various 'days' of 'things', ie lung day, renal day, etc, etc with the form generally taking some formal teaching in the morning of the sort of Nasty Things you can get that would result in you being critically ill followed by a more interactive session in the afternoon in which you'd be given a case history and asked to present a likely plan of care for them.
The university running this particular course for my trust is of the 'bums-on-seats-is-more-money-for-us-red-brick-and-glass' variety and throws open the various days to any interested groups who might want to attend, so, you might see a couple of physiotherapists turning out to lung day, renal nurses on kidney key and so on.

Cardiovascular day saw a pair of jolly paramedics turning out. They were, smart, funny and interesting but the course tutor rather soured on them in the afternoon when it came to the 'make a plan of care for this cardiac nasty' part of the day.

Turns out that, whilst from their point of view an entirely correct plan of care was submitted, the plan of care for an aortic dissection she was looking for wasn't 'chuck 'em in the back of the van and drive like fuck to the nearest place with a vascular surgeon on site' written in big green letters on a flipchart.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 16 May 2013, 13:34, 22 replies)

I work as a police emergency calltaker.....
I took a call one evening, it was probably the most angry man i' ve ever had to deal with, imagine a man with a gravelly voice shouting into the phone. The exchange went something like this.

Me: Police emergency, what is your emergency?

Angry man: I want the police!

Me: Why do you want the police?

Angry man: it's serious, I want the fuckin' police, and I want the fuckin' police NOW!

Me: I need to know what happened, or I can't send police.

Angry man: Alright, it's my fuckin' neighbour, he painted his wall blue, and I leaned against the fuckin' wall and now my jacket is wrecked.

Me: That is not an emergency....

Angry man: It is an emergency, because he didn't put a wet paint sign up.

Me: That is not an emergency, it is not even a call for the police, and I will not be sending police around.

Angry man: What? You're not sending police around? Are you fuckin' serious? Would you send them around if I was stabbed?.....

Me: Well, yes because if you were stabbed, then that would be an emergency, and I would send police, and would have to contact the ambulance service on your behalf.

Angry man: Alright, I've been stabbed!

Me: No sir, I don't believe you have been stabbed, and I am disconnecting this line, as you are holding up an emergency line, reserved for genuine emergencies.

I then disconnected the line. 15 seconds later he called back.

Angry man: hello, I want the police, I've been stabbed and shot. Get them here now...
( Lord & Lady Pants, Thu 16 May 2013, 13:22, 9 replies)

London Firewater Brigade
When I lived in a poky flat with carpets the same orange colour as chorizo grease in the leafy suburb of Clapton, I once had one of those days where you just want to crush the bollocks of random passers-by for not looking oppressed enough by the system. My boss had given me some immensely thankless admin task to do that ended up taking me until after 20:00 to finish, and by the time I'd wrapped up everything in the office and headed home it was well after 23:00. The Tube ride home was hot, sweaty and angry, and by the time I got in the door I was positively foaming at the mouth with pent-up White Protestant frustration and English rage.

This was an emergency: I needed a drink.

The off-licences were all closed, and in the six months I spent in that flat I didn't see a single corner shop that might have a few cans under the counter, so in desperation I unsheathed my mobile phone and called an anonymous mobile number dredged Matrix-like from the internet. A voice on the other end of the line said that someone would be round with two bottles of vodka (I ordered two because the callout fee was almost the price of a bottle in itself, so might as well make the investment worth it) within twenty minutes. I expressed my thanks and rang off.

As I sat in my Fuzzy Felt Gentlemen's Club armchair to await my delivery, disturbing thoughts began to seep through my head. Thoughts and memories of people in news reports who had paid good money for a laptop, to find they had bought two bottles of lemonade in a box, or a couple of kilos of potatoes. Would this man turn up with two sealed bottles of tap water for my £40?

Twenty minutes later my phone rang, and announced that my delivery had arrived. I stepped out into the oleaginous neon of the June night and handed over two twenties to a shadowy man at the driving seat of an Escort, in consideration for a carrier bag containing two clear glass bottles. Words of no importance were exchanged.

Once I had returned to the relative privacy of my flat, I withdrew a bottle and cracked the cap apprehensively. Sniffed. Hints of turpentine, tannin, wet dachshunds and petrol; the man had indeed sold me vodka.

The remainder of the evening passed without incident. I refrained from calling the number again and proferring my thanks via a voucher for half an hour's javelin-waxing followed by first-class tickets for the Vaseline Express, but my gratitude was no less heartfelt for all that.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 16 May 2013, 13:21, 2 replies)

I got to fly in this thing. In bed... with a hot Irish nurse, my own paramedic and a pilot.
www.scottishambulance.com/WhatWeDo/TheParent.aspx
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Thu 16 May 2013, 13:16, 3 replies)

Where's the fire?
A mate had parked his car somewhat illegally, outside a flat while he popped in (probably to pick up some weed, knowing him). He'd only left the car for a few minutes, but when he came out a traffic warden was writing a ticket. He explained that he'd only been gone a moment, but the warden was unmoved.

"You're obstructing the road, sir. What if there was a fire, the fire engine wouldn't be able to get through, would it?"

"Yeah? Well you know what?" replied my friend, "I drive a bloody fire engine, and that's a load of bollocks!"

Apparently the look on the warden's face was worth the ticket.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 16 May 2013, 13:16, 1 reply)

I went to hospital.
Two attractive nurses (girls of course, not those freakish men doing women's work) sat on my bed and laughed at me because I'd been an idiot.

Another time, an attractive nurse (a woman, with breasts and that) held my hand and laughed at me because I was an idiot who'd been bitten by a pig and had severed a tendon.

I like nurses. And breasts.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 16 May 2013, 13:10, 6 replies)

I've posted a story involving a trip to hospital before...
www.b3ta.com/questions/overcomingadversity/post1808050

In that story I mention that NHS24 called me an ambulance. I got out of the bath and dressed then sat outside my house for the Ambulance to arrive.

When they turned up the driver (not the paramedic) was quite surprised to see me walking (or at least hobbling) about. I explained the situation; the swelling, seeing the Dr that morning, the spots on my legs and difficulty breathing. I also told them that I never called the Ambulance, that NHS24 did.

Now. The Paramedic couldn't have been nicer. He explained that yes my heart rate was a bit high and my blood pressure was odd but the driver was a complete and utter knob.

Told me that if I had received meds from the Dr that morning I should give them time to work, I was only panicking, I should go to bed and get some sleep etc. He told my mum the same thing when she met me at the Hospital and he told the nurses at my local hospital the same thing.

Before I was transferred to Aberdeen the Dr told me that, If I had followed his advice, chances are I'd never have woken up again as the fluid in my lungs would've drowned me in my sleep.

During the transfer to Aberdeen I discussed this with another Paramedic and driver. He hit the fucking roof. He was the depot manager and tried his best to get me to make an official complaint but I was too ill to really care or make a fuss. I went to visit the Ambulance crew when I got home and he explained that while he couldn't do any form of official disciplinary action he tore the driver a new arsehole.

Looking back 3 years later, I wish I'd made the complaint.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Thu 16 May 2013, 13:06, 6 replies)

I've done my bit for NHS efficiency by posting images on /offtopic.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 16 May 2013, 13:03, Reply)

4th Emergency Service.
It turned out to be a faulty alternator.
( Muns, Thu 16 May 2013, 12:55, Reply)

when i was about 7
I rang the fire brigade and gave a fake address.
Apparently I wanted to know how quick they'd come out.
The major flaw was that i gave an address miles away so I'd never have known.
Idiot.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Thu 16 May 2013, 12:54, Reply)

When I was about three I did a shit in a fire engine.
They were having an open day and taking kids up in the cherry picker. I decided it was taking too long so dropped my Mickey Mouse shorts and curled one out between the fireman's shiny boots. Fortunately for the anxious parents staring up from directly below it was a relatively solid movement.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 16 May 2013, 12:09, Reply)

So,
there I was innocently hacking hotmail acocunts in one of my many pads, when suddenly the police came barging in.
However, I made them all espresso on my Barista Express and everything blew over.

Yours

AM
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 16 May 2013, 12:07, 11 replies)

TERRIBLE BULLYING of the LOVELY mountain rescue and cave rescue!!!!

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 16 May 2013, 12:06, Reply)

111
First !
(Biff..., Thu 16 May 2013, 12:03, Reply)

A mate works on an ambulance, he told me a few weeks back about when they were called to this drunken, drugged up young woman.
The police were in attendance and had arrested her for starting a fight and being a drunken nuisance. She seemed to have lost consciousness by the time the vehicle arrived, was barely responsive to voice and pain stimuli, so the police de-arrested her and released her into the hands of the crew.
Ten minutes later they arrive at A&E. Turns out she had been quietly been undoing the seatbelts, as no sooner had the vehicle stopped then she was up off the trolley and through the back door, and had vanished into the night across the car park.

This sort of thing happens a lot, apparently.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 16 May 2013, 11:59, 8 replies)

A couple of weeks ago...
I had the pleasure of getting Paramedics and an Ambulance out to me to deal with some chest pains, and I really have nothing but praise for them. (Ambulances are quite roomy on the inside)

Aside from the Paramedic wiring me up for and ECG while awaiting the Ambulance the whole 'rapid response' thing really took me by surprise as to how efficient it actually is (or was in my case, anyway)

The Ambulance crew, Pete & Lou Lou, couldn't have been any better. The latter keeping me calm, wired up and still as upbeat and professional, even though I was the last 'job' on their 12 hour shift, having started at 5am the same morning.
No sirens etc needed for the most part, as I wasn't crippled in pain at this point. It's also worth noting that while all this was going on, my better half was following us in the car to the hospital.

When we arrived on the outskirts of Norwich, there was more than a little traffic, being rush hour. So on came the lights and sirens and we had a very speedy cruise through the city in 10 mins. However, as we were doing this, Lou Lou looked at me and said

"Your missus is following us isn't she? Oh Gawd. If she saw the sirens and lights and everything in front she'll be thinking you've had a heart attack and died".

She then proceeded to burst out laughing.

As did I.

Thankfully, the better half did see the funny side.

Still, they were great and as said, nothing but praise for them. Thankfully no obvious Heart problems linked to why I went in, but other things are being assessed even now. And I shall always remember Lou Lou's comments about lemon-shaped furry cucumbers on the drive to Norwich.
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 16 May 2013, 11:59, 2 replies)

I work in a hospital

(Nahla, Thu 16 May 2013, 11:59, 4 replies)

A&E consultant refused to see my son,
as the receptionist had booked him in as his twin sister, despite me telling her that he was there because of his sore penis.
Maybe Luton is awash with hermaphrodites?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 16 May 2013, 11:55, 8 replies)

Mrs Vagabond and I were in a band together.
Like all women, Mrs Vagabond loves firemen.

Imagine her delight, then, during a rehearsal in a stinking, smokey old dive in North London, when three firemen opened the door, letting in a billowing cloud of smoke, and calmly instructed us to leave, and accompanied us all to the fire escape, one giving her a fireman's lift at her request.

First strikethrough wins a plum.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 16 May 2013, 11:52, 6 replies)

I needed emergency surgery once.
My dad cut off my hand!!!!




With a light sabre!!!!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 May 2013, 11:49, 1 reply)

The coastguard?
Everyone knows that the AA are the fourth emergency service.

Proper story, such as it is: I once had a chat with a former paramedic, who said that he'd had to change career, as being called out to people who'd killed themselves attempting auto-erotic asphyxiation was destroying his faith in humanity.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 16 May 2013, 11:47, 2 replies)

Haha, Sting, you know, The Police?
Haha - they were a band. I've made my answer about the band called The Police - not the actual police!!! Geddit?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 May 2013, 11:41, Reply)

I fell over
First!

In Bedford swimming pool and cracked my head open. It was a bit leaky but and hurt considerably, but I seemed to be OK. An ambulance was called and they took me off to the hospital where they superglued it. I now have a nice scar on the top of my head. This took 4 hours of course. The ambulance staff were great, the staff at the swimming pool were great. A&E sucks.
( heyrudi has just found this setting, Thu 16 May 2013, 11:39, 9 replies)