I failed to realise that my girlfriend was......
.....coming down the stairs and into the living room whilst I was having a late night wank.
(CaptainFellatioNelson is trying to kill me, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 12:45, Reply)

When I was a little boy
I fell into a swimming pool. I couldn't swim at the time, so I flailed.
(><(((">, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 12:31, Reply)

I failed to think of a decent anecdote for this QOTW.
I also failed, miserably, I might add, to refrain from telling you about it.
( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 12:17, Reply)

my granpa is not a failure
was a great old man, I'd like to die like him, old, gently peaceful in my sleep....
unlike his passengers; screaming & kicking as he slewed across the motorway.
THEY failed to see the funny side.


all this auto fellatio stuff: go see 'Shortbus' thats how its done!
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 11:14, Reply)

Clunk click every trip
I failed to drive my boss's mercedes through a tunnel at night, at high speed, while absolutely pissed*.

Cheers
Henri

*Allegedly
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 11:10, Reply)

Probably not my worst failure, but
You know when you open the envelope knowing that you’ve fucked up an exam, so the result is inevitable, and yet that tiny, tiny ray of light in the gloom of your thoughts thinks that somehow, there may be a chance that you passed…possibly they confused your paper with someone else, or the marker was stoned…or…anyway, the ‘FAILED’ grade is no surprise. The ones that hurt are the ones you thought you’d passed, the ones you really tried hard for and were confident of, OK, not an ‘A’, but a decent ‘C’. When you fail those, you really feel a failure.

So anyway, my worst failure from this point of view happened when I was about 16 and had (funnily enough) failed to get off a train at the right stop. Nothing very amusing there, except the stop I missed was Paris. I thought the train would go from Gare de L’Est to Gare du Nord; it didn’t, it was heading for Brussels instead of Calais. I managed to get off at some smallish town a hundred miles or so outside Paris, it was probably called Pierreboug or something.

With not very much money at all, I decided to hitch-hike back to Paris, so I found the main road, and fairly near a sign saying something like ‘Paris 150km’, I stuck out my thumb. After a while a car stopped and the driver wound down the passenger window:

“Tu va ou?” he probably said,

“Paris”, quoth I, in my finest French accent, honed by years of ‘O’ Level study.

“Ou?” he asked,

“Paris” I repeated, he shrugged, a gallic shrug, “la capitale”, I added.

“Ah Paris” he said.

Yes, I had totally failed to make myself understood. I’ve often thought since then how badly someone would have to pronounce ‘London’ hitch-hiking on the A1 southbound for me not to understand them…
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 10:22, Reply)

second year (repeated) of uni...
woop, almost forgot how badly I failed university.

on my second attempt at my second year I comprehensively failed all of the exams because I spent all my revision time trying to get 100% on tony hawk 2 (which I bloody did as well, score!).

when the resits came round my girlfriend had gone on holiday with her family so I spent 3 weeks alone in our flat watching horror films and tattooing myself....after that, the department bloke in charge of something or other told me it probably wasn't worth my while staying on. I tended to agree with him.

epilogue: when I was 17ish and thinking about uni I told an older friend of mine that I thought it'd be easier if I didn't bother with it and just got a job instead...he patronisingly told me that "the real world" would be a lot harder than I thought, that uni would be a breeze, blah blah blah. well, turns out the real world is a piece of piss whereas uni is a torture garden of self-motivation and unwanted responsibility. wish I'd never gone...especially as it directly led me to psycho ex no.1 and indirectly to psycho ex no.2.

APOLOGISE FOR LENGTH!! etc
( yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 10:22, Reply)

I've failed to win anything from Channel 5's "Brainteaster" phone-in
even though I've got the answer right every time.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 10:08, Reply)

Derek Acorah's Spirit Guide Sam....
it is totally impossible to fail a theory test

unless you are a complete moron, and if so you should never be allowed to drive.

similarly if you take more than 3 attempts to pass your practical test

as the youngest in a family where everyone passed first time, naturally I had to.

*mutters something about some failure of his own to make this relevant*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 9:40, Reply)

Captain Haddock just reminded me...
A boy at school in Year 10 once tried to fellate himself. He slipped a disc and got stuck in that position. He was found a couple of hours later by his mother, trousers round his ankles, head stuck a few inches away from his groin. She took him to casualty (trousers no longer round his ankles but head still a few inches away from his groin, so it was blatantly obvious what he was in for) where they managed to straighten him out. No lasting damage other than the trauma caused by having your brother tell everyone at school.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 9:07, Reply)

Just heard this one from a mate...
....his mate got invited to a News Years party. The party was themed as a superhero fancy dress one, and the invite he received read as roughly;

"You have been summoned to an emergency meeting at _____ Hotel in Swansea at 7.30pm, 31/12/06. The fate of the world is in your hands."

On the reverse of the card, it said simply "You are Wolverine".

"Cool" this guy thinks, he's only got the best of the bunch. Everyone knows Wolverine, it's going to be great. So, he spends the next two weeks perfecting the "unshaved" look, makes himself look rugged, borrowed a white vest, dog tags, black leather jacket, jeans with a large belt buckle and to finish off was smoking a cigar. He also shaved some tramlines into his stubble. Basically it sounds like he looked the part.

He turns up at the hotel with invite, and is led into the party room. NOBODY knew who he turned up as. He felt a right failure all night.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 8:58, Reply)

I failed to Autofellate
I am writing this from the spine care unit at Stoke Mandeville hospital.. Jimmy Saville is by my bedside rattling his jewellery, and making no sense whatsoever.
I am being treated for spinal injuries, broken ribs and seriously injured pride.
(LunarJim, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 8:03, Reply)

I failed to find the droids I was looking for.....
.....could've sworn I saw them once but it was all hazy...could've been something to do with the Guiness.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 7:38, Reply)

Recently, I failed to take a turn correctly
I was 17 (now 18, a legal adult) and was off for a ride in my dad's new '06 Honda Civic. I made the decision not to take any drugs or alcohol during the endeavor, which ended up being a good one, as I took a right-angle turn at about 40 mph and smashed the left-front wheel into the far curb.

Airbags went off, my passengers screamed, and the car narrowly missed a pole and some poor guy's garden. We came back onto the street (from off of the curb) and stopped, because the steering was locked.

My friend (passenger) reminds me his bottle of beer is in the car, so off he goes to hide it. Then the police show up.

I explain what happened, they breathalyze me, and I score a solid 0.00, but as the officer administering the test decided, "it must be the operating temperature."

I asked to take it again, in the warmth of his vehicle, and no, officer, it wasn't the operating temperature. I just wasn't drunk. A bit depressing that I could have such a stupid accident without being drunk, though..

Anyways then my friend (not a passenger) reminds me he's left his alcohol in the car. Well, I tell the police about it and when my mom shows up to take me home, I leave with a "Minor in Possession" charge.

Turns out the cops in my city are running out of probation officers, and were more than happy to dismiss the charge when I called and told them I'd learned my lesson, and the alcohol wasn't mine to begin with.

The car was totaled, by the way, but since my dad had been in a previous accident and gotten a settlement check, we actually profited from owning the car for less than a year then crashing it.

I am also failing half my classes at school.

No length pun.
(Zoidberg Jr - Food, you say?, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 0:48, Reply)

Last night
I totally failed to sleep with the girl whose been after me for ages, and would completely corrupt me.
I was so intoxicated I couldn't have done it, even if I wanted to. Which I did.
(A Good Egg, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 0:37, Reply)

but...
people posting "failed to fail" things, call me wrong if i am, but isn't that just commonly known as not failing, or rather, "passing"?
(alwyn Professional Whittler since:, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 21:55, Reply)

Stealing.
Toward the end of 2006, there was a lot of forms going around in my 6th form about As-A2 resits, one of my teachers was insistant that I retake a business studies unit, even though I specifically dropped the subject ages back. I fill in all the neccessary forms stating that I DID NOT wish to retake this exam at any point, and thought huzzah, more time to spend focussing on my A2 exams.
Wrong.
I roll in this morning only to be greeted by an abundance of people in my old class saying things like "I didn't know you were retaking that unit" etc. A bit confused (and slightly worried, as I hadn't payed the charge for resitting, a tenner or something) I decided to wait until the envigilator came along and state my problem. Didn't really work, I'm sitting down and all of a sudden a door is flung open and standing there, with the look of the devil in her eyes, is the envigilator. Oh dear..
Her: "Do you realise that there is an exam hall fool of people waiting because of YOU?"
Me: "Yes, I was going to come and find you and tell you about this but -"
Her: "You should have told me before now, you've known about it for weeks!"
Me: "As far as i've known, I wasn't resitting, I only found out this morning, I haven't payed or revised or anything..."
Her: "Well, what do you want to do about it then?"
Me: "Well, since I haven't revised, i don't think it'd be a good idea, and I haven't payed for it either, so technically I'd be stealing an exam paper"
Anyways, she leaves and I'm assuming the exam began. I later found out some goody-two-shoes bint grassed on me... twunt.

And thats my story of how I failed to fail a free exam.

And it's also quite an uneventful one at that!
(The Guy, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 21:51, Reply)

failed to get ahead by givin head
didnt work.
ah well you know the sayin
if at first you dont suck seed
try suckin harder
(i_mustnt_panic, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 20:53, Reply)

My Boss
in a meeting, conveyed to me that she'll be taking my colleague Peter off the phones in the call centre and training him for a few days, and that hopefully he will be able to attend the social event we are having at the weekend.

What she actually said was 'I'll be pulling Peter off Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, and hopefully he'll come on Saturday!'

I failed to control my emotions.
(Northern Lovely, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 20:38, Reply)

I failed to fail
my driving theory test.

After booking it with less than a week's notice, and pissing my weekend up the wall, I turned up 15 minutes before my theory test having revised for the grand total of 25 minutes using a DVD I'd bought at Staples late the previous night.

I had just had a row with the other half who said it was 'my own fault' (what?! how!?) if I failed because I was 'lazy' (25 minutes of revision doesn't agree with that!). I burst into tears and arrived cold, confused and sniffly.

Totally guessed all the answers and did something called a 'hazard perception test' which I'd never seen or heard of before. Standing before the receptionist I was handed my results (I almost left without collecting them, embarrased as I was).

I got 37/37! I am a bit concerned they swapped my results with someone good on theory but a bit blind or something.

So there you are, I failed to fail. I am either a genius, have had a past life as an AA instructor (possible) or it's fucking IMPOSSIBLE to fail a theory test.

That was 6 months ago and I still haven't booked my practical. I have fear (am girl) :(
(Northern Lovely, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 20:31, Reply)

Failure counts
I’ve been a massive and constant failure all my life:- On my first driving test I failed to check over my shoulder going onto a busy duel carriageway. On my second I failed to spot the red light. On my third I failed to come off the roundabout for three whole revolutions but the guy still let me pass saying I was nervous… I wasn’t nervous… I was UTTER SHIT. He’d failed also to notice I had a pronounced squint and am basically blind in one eye… I am really good at crashes though, I’m a real success at nearly killing myself.

I’m also a failure at jobs… I have failed to stay awake in a callcentre in my youth while talking to customers.. I’d just started talking dreamlike jibberish until they shouted at me and woke me up (quite rude of them really). I once failed to mention any truth of any kind at all my CV (I got fired).. I once failed to correctly judge the strength of a plate glass display cabinet as I was jumping over it to run over to some stairs, in a vain attempt to see up a girls skirt, which I failed to see up (I got fired but that was alright cause the fuckwit manager replaced it with cheap glass and got sued when a customer foolishly leant on it). I failed not to send e-mails admitting a sickie due to an evening of class A entertainment to my friend (whom was promptly investigated for sending a message ‘reply to all’ while calling the customer ‘syphilitic imbecile’) - We both got fired then!

I failed to get a 2/1 degree by half a percent but they wouldn’t give me the viva meeting to test me cause I’d failed first and second year exams due to successfully learning what alcohol is in my first year.

I mostly fail with beautiful women.. this whole thing about humour and wit pulling your half of the species is bunkum and utter bollocks to boot. Half my mates are girls… mostly really fit ones… ones I have failed for years to shag and merrily succeeded at pointlessly buying them dinner and becoming their personal therapist.

Still… I’ve got a fucking good job and a nice car… you only learn in life from fucking up constantly until you get it right… God loves a trier… shame fit women don’t! Now where’s that book on how to pull women I bought?
(Pachen9, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 20:20, Reply)

i have failed to understand why i always leave my assignments to the night before i hand it in.....its almost as tho i am programmed to fail...so technically its not my fault if i do fail...so do i fail or not??
Peace
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 19:11, Reply)

Fighting a nine year old
When I was about 15, I used to be very keen on Wado-Ryu karate. I was pretty good - 1st Kyu I believe at the time. My opponent was a nine year old boy who had just completed Shodan, so we were very close in technical ability. However, I was at least three times his size.

This was the first national level semi-contact tournament I'd been in (had done pretty well so far too), and one of the rules of semi (rather than full) is that you don't knock your opponent out and you try and score points, rather than battering your opponent into a mess.

This kid was worryingly small and fragile looking and I was quite concerned about fighting him, as I probably had about a 7st weight advantage. Let me re-iterate that - I was very worried I'd hurt him. Ha!

We square up, touch gloves, and I step forward tentatively. I remember trying a pretty light and slow roundhouse punch... I woke up and I was flat on my back with a very painful nose. I sneezed blood all over the front of my Gi and wondered what the hell happened. Right. No Mercy, pile in and do the little bugger... err... no. The kid was soooo fast I had absolutely no chance of hitting him. He pulvarised me.

It all ended (for me) with two cracked ribs, a broken nose, strained wrist ligament, a written off Gi and a fresh vow to never, ever, ever fight again in a martial arts competition.

So, I failed in the only serious sports competition I ever took part in, and to add insult to injury, I got comprehensively beaten by a small 9yo in front of approximately 200 people. In Birmingham.

Apologies for length, but once I start I can't stop.
(It's what Ian Rush drinks!, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 18:03, Reply)

ha ha
that is actually a v funny comeback from apeloverage.

the only exam i ever failed in my life (apart from 1 driving test, doesn't count according to humpty!) was some dumbass additional qualification at uni on philosophy and religion. i went to one session, figured i could wing it, ignored the rest and turned up to the exam late and hungover.

still, i couldn't believe i wasn't on the pass list, and angrily insisted there must have been a mistake. i marched the then-mr-rachel-swipe over to the office with me and made them check the list.

the humiliation of finding out i had failed by 1% and had made all that fuss was horrendous, esp as then-mr-rachel-swipe was telling everyone in the pub it was obvious i'd failed...

gah.

also failed to get possession in court this morning because the f*cking tenant paid just enough to scrape under the 2 months mandatory arrears. but enough of that particular brand of humour!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 17:48, Reply)

Failing Irish
Here in Ireland we have to learn Irish in school. As the language is only spoken by a handful of people I didn't think it was the most important thing on the curriculum. We had 7 subjects but only the best 6 were taken for getting into college. So I decided Irish was going to be my 7th subject.

I deliberately flunked it to get put into the pass class. That way I could take it easy as all I needed was a pass on the pass paper.

Anyway my when my parents found out they decided that I needed help with my Irish. I was sent to an Irish college for 6 weeks in the summer and had extra lessons every Saturday morning.

So that backfired spectacularly.
(conuil, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 17:47, Reply)

My only failure was to love too much...
bulldust aside, the only subject i failed at school was typing which we had to take around 15 years of age. Our school had been given a few new IBM 'golfball' typewriters. I learned they had a short electronic memory so that you could type in your paragraph in advance, and release it with the backspace key. in the intermediate tests i used this technique, pretending to type while it rattled off. I hence had one of the highest speeds in the class where in reality I was shit, and too bored to improve. Near the end of the year I got rumbled, my real ability was exposed and I failed much to the consternation of my mum who was used to my usual effortless high achievement in those meaningless childhood trials.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 17:42, Reply)

frankspencer

QUOTE: Only ... I would not be able to come. My balls are the size of space hoppers.

couldn't you just have a wank by yourself?

Both in the story, and in real life?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 17:13, Reply)

Natural born failure; so good I even fail at failing
Failing at failing seems to be my thing, as it is for most of us when we take the piss out of idiots (who brandish the clipboard of enlightenment which aids them in deciding what success is) who don't even realise not only that you're doing just that but also how little effort you employ in doing so. There have been countless such instances in the last couple of years in uni and in naff part time jobs, which really does beg two questions:

"Is a degree a pricey certificate of lazyness/hardcoreness which symbolises the efforts (or non-efforts) you've gone to to get wrecked in every way possible in a three year time perod?"

and "what kind of person can't even add two numbers together in a rubbish job let alone get a degree which I would call toilet paper if it were not laminated?"

On a tangent (but will get back to the point), the world it seems is full of idiots, so long as they're not offensive or annoying, they're best ignored but despite numpty-induced-apathy and reckless abandonment of so called duty they that they inspire in me, they never seem bright enough to either recognise it in all its glorious ridicule nor do anything about it. Such hopeless, hapless, nameless, soulless, lifeless people who are naturally that bit more useless than me by proxy make me less of a failure, alas failing is difficult simetimes when luck makes up for lack of effort.

In three years at uni I've turned up to, on average, 5% of my course, not only because its insanely easy (pyschology and philosophy) but also because I (and anyone for that matter) can write more or less anything with an ounce of passionate and enthusiastic prose and get at least a high 2:1 with massive generalisations usually involving semi fascist remarks, made up references with offensive made up names and waffle stylishly about random gibberish which is in some way loosely related to what I know the lecturer thinks, feeding his ego at every oppurtunity whilst also taking the piss.

One particular essay I wrote in 20 minutes whilst smashed on vodka having not gone to the vast majority of the course, I made up a religion of my own and a ritual which involved smoking lots of drugs drugs, praying to the God our Chris Cornell and listening to rock music, I got 78% for that, on a similar occasion, I rambled about the meaning of life and got 86%. I was trying to see what the lowest mark I could get would be for use in future drunkard day-before-essay-due ramblings and it back-fired and now I'm committed to continue this course which I don't want to do because my average is ok and I don't have the excuse of being rubbish. I also get a loan aka free money if I can tolerate this easy living, I suppose its not too bad a thing to fail sometimes.

And I still haven't been fired from a job (a supermarket, a mistake) I haven't turned up to for over a month, I was under investigation for losing hundreds of pounds in a few days, having given up on caring, because I didn't bother looking at people's change and gave them compensation for waiting, discounts for being female and free stuff because I felt like it. The is the third time I've gone AWOL and they don't bat an eyelid but they underpaid me so I was going to walk out and write a letter threatening that I'll sue them unless they pay me £500 but then I get a letter saying that my study leave has been approved and will be fully paid, (part of my leaving was due to the assumption they wouldn't read it or say no, so I'll send the letter after I get paid the other money), so as well as being stuck on a non-course I'm also stuck in a non-job, despite attempts to fail. People who I work with who would fail to get laid in a whore-house get more flak than me for nothing more than much less than me. If I applied to work in a McDonalds (you need to be pikey royalty) I'd fail that, if I had to look after a bottle of whiskey I'd fail that, If I get drug tested I'd fail that, but they'll probably fail to realise I'm usually caned.

The moral being that taking the piss out of people in order to make them think you care when you clearly don't whilst being plain rubbish, and so to get fired (acting as some emphatic idiot's compromise for traditional success) will only work if:

a)they're bright enough to realise it
b)you're working with people that bit more useful than you, so you're not on the dark end of a failure contrast
c)your luck runs out

I have however failed at committing sucicide, at 'inspirational' times like these, that is perhaps regrettable.
(goddamnsonofabitch, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 17:07, Reply)

frankspencer
has again failed to avoid posting a pr0n story.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Wed 10 Jan 2007, 16:40, Reply)