So for my mum's 60th birthday a couple of years ago, she insisted on taking the whole family to Alton Towers.
Oh dear Christ what a god-forsaken shithole of a chav's wet dream that place is BUT the kids loved it so that's fine with me.

What was not fine was that the older lads insisted on going on the ... Giant Headfuck ... or whatever the most mentalistly stupid rollercoaster was.

Now - I don't even do Pirate Ships. I've done bad acid, I've been in car crashes, I've abseiled, bridge swung, and been shot at, and so I'm really quite happy taking the little ones on the poot-poot train around the animal enclosure - I'm really not interested in having my body thrown around repeatedly at 5G by an automated device designed to strike terror into my very soul, so no - I wasn't going on.

While they were queuing, mum and I took the smaller ones on the train, and returned to the rendezvous via the sweet shop to get a big bag of sugar lollies for all the kids.

The lads came back enormously excited, and mum gave each of them a lolly.

One of them was having trouble unwrapping his - they had a plastic wrap sealed tightly with sellotape, so I offered to help.

"Here you are, lad" I said, "Give that here and I'll unwrap it for you."

This bastard thing was clearly designed by a sociopath - the sellotape was absolutely bound, and even using what nails I have I was having distinct trouble with it.

Observing this, my nephew cried frustratedly, "Uncle Vagabond you're rubbish! You're too wuss to go on the rollercoaster, and now you can't even open a lollipop!"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 12:10, Reply)