I am a robotics genius (or so the Japanese think)
A few years ago as a fresh faced graduate I a got my first “proper” job in a secondary school. The school was run by a power hungry bastard who got a bonus for keeping staff wages down, hence my starting wage of £11,100 per year for an IT Tech with a degree. Oh well I thought, I needed the experience and as it turns out having the three years there did help me get my current B3ta friendly job on much more cash. However my faking story changed my life for the better.

One of our senior management people had witnessed an Australian school build a cheap and cheerful robot that could be controlled over the Internet. He stated getting ideas. In October 2005 he came to me and said “Phil (for that is my name) I started a collaboration project with a Japanese university promising them that our school had built a robot that could be controlled over the Internet” “Oh” I said “Why would you tell them something like that” “well” He replied “I saw the Australians make one and thought our students could do it too.

Now I digress here to explain why this was a stupid thing to say. The town I live in has one of the the highest teen pregnancy rates in the country. The school I worked at was in the bottom three schools in the county. It was a school of thieving little shitbags. Robot building was never going to happen.

Sooooo back on track. He tells me that it needs to be controlled over the web and that a replica Mars landscape will be created and the Japanese will attach a drill to the robot and drill around.

“So Phil you know IT right? Build it for me”

“Ummmmm I don’t really know much about robots how long do you have”

“It needs to be done in about 4 weeks so I can fly to Japan for two weeks and show it off to them”

Coals to Newcastle I thought. “Four weeks, sorry it’s just not enough time”

“I’ll take you with me!”

“Four weeks it is then, but I’ll need an open ended budget”

“Done”

Of course I really know nothing about robots so I type “WiFi enabled robot” in to Google and come up with a company in Canada run by Chinese people who build robots with WiFi. I ordered one for about £2000 and had it sent over. I took off all the labels and used the schools laser cutter to make vinyl logos of both the schools and stuck them on instead. A quick mess about with the control program in VB removed the company’s logo and put in the schools logo. Set up a web vpn, called the Japanese and they were soon remote controlling our computer that in turn controlled the robot “that I built”

So three weeks later I am on a plane to Japan. I have an 11 hours flight to explain to the students “how they built the robot” so when they gave their speeches they would sound genuine. At this point they had never even seen the thing.

It was so high tech that there was no way that we had built it. It had sensors for everything, auto patrol made, returned to its charger if it went flat, it could detect human presence and tell you how many people were in a room. It looked fantastic. They were NEVER going to believe we built it.

So we landed in Kyoto and were driven off to our accommodation. We were there for two weeks and were treated like kings and queens. Everything was amazing and it truly changed me as a person (but that’s another story) When I went shopping with the Yen I’d scraped together they wouldn’t let me pay for anything, I was followed around by three guys who just kept buying me stuff.
Then it came to it, a half day of sharing projects.

The bloody thing didn’t even work properly.

BUT they were impressed, VERY impressed. They started rethinking their drill to make it better because of how well we had built this thing.

After the two weeks of sightseeing and half a day of work were over we flew back, later that year the Japanese flew over to get some more details on it so they could make their drill. Then a year after our original trip we were invited back for another two weeks. So we did it all again. Took it over and pretended we had built it. They paid for everything. I got yet another “Once in a lifetime” trip and two weeks off work paid in full that didn’t come out of my holiday because I was technically at work. This time it went over even better because I got it working.

When we got back we were in the newspapers over there and over here. I was pictured with the robot and hailed as “The schools own Robotics Expert” Yeh right on 11 grand pah. It opened doors for me and now I have a much better job on much higher pay.

So there you go, I spent someone else’s money and faked my way to 4 weeks in Japan on full pay, everything I tried to buy paid for, food and accommodation paid for (expensive restaurants every night) and had some amazing stuff to put on my CV and a great reference and newspaper clippings to back it up.
The robot now gathers dust as no-one can use it, it never got a drill attached.

I still know fuck all about robots.

No Apologies for length it was the best time of my life.
( Peej, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 9:55, 10 replies)

great story
I'm glad you got a great time out of it. I would have been too afraid of any passing sherlock holmes to go in the papers. *clicks*
( thiswasmyclone, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 10:16, closed)

*click*
for the sheer balls-out cheek of it!
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 10:26, closed)

Click
Out fucking standing!
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 13:43, closed)

Rommel
I believe the term is "You magnificent bastard!". Well done - that's balls for you. Have a click.
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:38, closed)

Rule
Pics or it didn't happen. I wanna see the newspaper clipping, and don't tell me you didn't keep one or I'll know your lying.

Awesomes story though, I am massively jealous.
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Sat 12 Jul 2008, 5:04, closed)

Evidence?
Here you go :)

i21.photobucket.com/albums/b261/sybaf/HPIM3277.jpg

i21.photobucket.com/albums/b261/sybaf/HPIM3302.jpg

i21.photobucket.com/albums/b261/sybaf/S5030156.jpg

i21.photobucket.com/albums/b261/sybaf/japanday1039.jpg

i21.photobucket.com/albums/b261/sybaf/japanday1031.jpg

i21.photobucket.com/albums/b261/sybaf/PB030002.jpg
( Peej, Sun 13 Jul 2008, 13:10, closed)

fantastic!
Applause for you Mr.Blagger!

And an excellent example to set to the children :p
( the dalai farmer always likes tea, but especially on, Sun 13 Jul 2008, 13:53, closed)

Bravo!
Tip top bit of grifting! I doff my cap to you sir.
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Sun 13 Jul 2008, 17:28, closed)

haha
thats amazing *click*
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Sun 13 Jul 2008, 20:34, closed)

I think
that this has to win.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 21:58, closed)