sarah cawood...
I stopped the door from slamming in her face, she showed her appreciation by ignoring my existence and jumping the queue.
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Thu 11 Feb 2010, 1:21, Reply)

Tim Westwood.
Dearest Timothy,

you are not black, urban, or poor.

you are white, middle-class, and went to a prestigious grammer school.

It's probably too late for you stop being a cunt.

I'm going to get a doctor to help with your delusions.

His name is Dr Kervorkian

Love

SHG
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 22:41, 7 replies)

I hate his face
bono
That is all.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 22:37, Reply)

The Beatles
Cheeky Liverpudlians that lurv their city, and fucked off as soon as they got enough money (a bit like all the other professional "scousers")
It's music for sheeple.
Bland, cliched, average musicians.
Over-rated by millions.
Self-righteous preaching cunt (that's you McCartney)
Self-publicist wanker (that's you Lennon)
Insipid voice-over twat (that's you Starkey)
Easily influenced by pseudo-mystic bollocks (work it out)

Two fucking more bullets..........
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 22:34, 7 replies)

Reassessing my opinion of Kerry Katona
For a number of years I've enjoyed loving to hate Kerry Katona. Not really paying much attention to the vapid nicotine addicted bint but keeping my eye firmly enough on the cover of the celebrity magazines (and buying the occasional one) to know the latest drugs / drink / cosmetic surgery / bankruptcy / relationship breakdown she was presently courting the press with.

My biggest source of incredulous exasperated hatred was the claimed bi-polar disorder from which she suffered. Drunkenly slurring her way through her This Morning interview to cocaine induced twitching limbs and swinging jaw on her MTV programme and blaming it on bi-polar medication.

A couple of evenings ago I was playing with our new BT Vision box and going through the TV On Demand stuff when I found a series of Kerry Katona : What's the problem and put it on in the background while I was surfing the interwebz. I didn't pay it much attention until one episode where she was reunited with her Mother who was a dead ringer for Jabba the Hut. When I saw how her Mother spoke to her, comparing her to Damien from the Omen, slapping her and generally acting like a disgusting obese alcoholic bitch who clearly had no regard for her daughter's feelings something completely unexpected happened. I felt really sorry for Kerry and realised what a fucking dire upbringing she had had.

Not sure how it'd escaped my attention up until that point that her erratic behaviour, crash diets, drink and drug problems stemmed from her childhood and I was overwhelmed by a sense of sadness. A sense of sadness that she was allowing herself to be exploited (and admittedly paid handsomely) to feed the baying mob of the public, that shamefully included me, who were ready to watch her have a cardiac arrest or emotional breakdown on television.

"SO WHAT?!" I hear you cry. "She's brought on herself and she's the one signing the contracts with MTV and she's getting paid shedloads of wonga for doing it!"

But isn't it sad? Isn't it sad that there is a large audience of people who want to watch a mentally ill person dangerously close the edge trying to exist in a pressure cooker celebrity environment for their own amusement?

I suddenly felt horribly guilty. I was one of those people. I wanted to watch her coke addled and chain smoking and laugh at her trying to pass it off as bi-polar. But it's horrible really, this mentality that it's acceptable to aggravate people and push them nearer and nearer to meltdown to sell papers and boost ratings. I almost want to say inhumane but realise that I've already strayed far enough to have lost most of you.



Apologies for the lack of teh funnehs.
(Fireyfox is prepared to change, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 21:59, 3 replies)

P Diddy / Puffy/ Daddy Dipshit
For one reason alone:

The amount of records on which he appears as the token rapper intoning mindless things like "Uh-huh" or "damn right" in order to claim 50% of the songwriting royalties. The man's a prize twat.
(JessicaJugs, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 21:59, 6 replies)

Joe Q Public
Ok, I’ll admit famous may be pushing it. But then again, every time that I turn on the news or read a magazine the dipshit is proffering ‘opinions’ on subjects that old Joe clearly doesn’t have a clue/give a shit about. Fuck knows why the reporters are asking his opinion? No one wants to hear it, we’d rather hear more from the professional.

Joes opinions range from ‘it’s bad’ to ‘it’s sad’, with maybe a little ‘disgusting’ in between.

Ol’ Joe is a bit of a dirty bastard as well. He’s always thinking of the children, and telling everyone else that they should be thinking of the children as well. Well not quite everyone obviously.

Joe is also the king of the knee jerk reaction. Frequently heard to exclaim that ‘something must be done’. Of course, Joe doesn’t know what needs to be done and you can get fucked if you think that Joe’s going to raise a finger to do ‘something’ himself. But something needs to be done and that voice of his will be heard.... after all Joe pays his taxes.

But the main reason I hate Joe so much? It is simply because Joe doesn’t have to be like he is. If he’d just take an extra 30 seconds thought before shouting someone down, or just a little reading before grabbing that pitchfork and spearheading the latest witch hunt; he might not be the reactionary fellow that he is and be far more pleasant for it.

I feel that you’re letting the side down Joe, and that hurts.
( Kovacs Slogan free since 2003, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 21:34, 4 replies)

Another one
All WAGs/"Glamour models"

At the risk of starting a debate - I think it is absolutely disgusting that so many girls nowadays aspire solely to conform to one of these classes (or both). There are countless young girls whose sole ambition is to be a gold-digging bimbo who takes off her clothes to attract a high-earning parter then solely exists to hope he doesn't replace her with another model after he has cheated on her at every opportunity. Emmeline Pankhurst et al would be turning in their graves. The fact is that women can now do more than their forebears ever hoped to do, and these illiterate spunk-dumpsters have put feminism back 50 years. It disgusts me and the only reason I won't type any more is because I fear I am going to explode with anger.

The only other thing I will say is - when I was a kid, all I wanted to be was an paleontologist or an astronaut. Not to take my clothes off to whore myself out to the highest bidder. I understood the value in education.


(I am now so angry I am about to eat someone)
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 10 Feb 2010, 20:32, 15 replies)

Bah
For some reason, David Cameron has been sending me letters telling me why I should vote Tory - despite the fact that I have, since I grasped the idea behind politics as a child, always been of the 'rather dead than Tory' mentality. Anyways, this is the message I scrawled all over his latest photo-shopped attempt at making me vote for his abomination for a party (and sent back in the S.A.E. he kindly sent)

I hold the firm belief that you will ruin our country. You fucking spoon-faced twat and your chinless wonder friends have only your own concerns in mind. If you write to me again, I will class it as harrassment. The fact that I am 20 does not mean I am a floating voter, nor does it mean that I am stupid enough to fall for your empty promises - I am still old enough to know what you did to the NHS and (despite the fact that I went to state school) educated enough to know what you did to UK industry the last time you were elected. Fuck you, plasticine face,

Belladonna.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 10 Feb 2010, 20:24, 14 replies)

Macca
Paul McCartney wrote some songs a few years ago was successful for a time. He then made the classic mistake of not dying young.

Now he is a faded and pathetic shell of a man who has been living in the past for decades and believing his own mythology. His existence has been irrelevant for so long now that he might as well be dead. In fact, his continuing life since about 1980 is something of an embarrassment.

All that tedious "man of the people" shit... his absurd "thumbs up" gestures... his pisspoor albums... his diversification into "classical music", "poetry", "paintng" and, for all I know, particle physics. And that ludicrous marriage to the peg-leg fantasist showed him up as a man so outdated that he thought he had to marry a busty gold-digger just to get a shag.

I've never even liked the Beatles.
(JessicaJugs, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 19:45, 3 replies)

Ant and fucking Dec
I haven't got a TV and so I manage to miss most of what passes for entertainment these days. But recently I saw this pair of pricks doing their schtick and it made me wonder.

Why?

A couple of monkeys would be more engaging. They're so anodyne, they're the distilled water of TV presenting. Moon-faced, bland, unremarkable - they almost cancel each other out like some kind of bizarre equation. It's like watching air.

And yet, despite all of their inoffensiveness (or because of it), I dream of crucifying them with red hot nails. They represent the utter void that popular entertainment has become: a democratised soup of platitudes and ephemera - a children's story for retards.

And let's not forget the atrocity that was PJ and Duncan. The perpetrators of that seething splat of musical shite are now two of TV's highest paid faces. I say faces, but I mean faeces: masks of gurning desperate yearning to be liked.

I don't like you. I despise you both.
(JessicaJugs, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 19:25, 3 replies)

mean very obvious joke inspired by the comments left after my last sjp post
sarah jessica parker walks into a bar

the barman says 'why the long face?'

i'll get me coat
(ladyintheradiator, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 19:15, 1 reply)

oh god here goes again..
Ben Affleck, dear god, him and that fat arsed mexican bint j-lo creating a negative vacuum of pointlessness between them, the lanterned jaw numpty narcissist twat, Pearl Harbour jeeeeesus!!! him supposedly representing the cream of WW2 bravery with a vacuous grin and a paper thin shallowness what a rotten fucking insult.
Now that Kate Beckinsale, even if she turns out wrong in many ways short of child abuse and murder I still would. Matt Damon? he's alright apart from the puppy torture that is.
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Wed 10 Feb 2010, 19:09, Reply)

Derren Brown.
You can appear on my screen when, and only when, you can spell 'Darren' properly, you prick.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 19:05, 5 replies)

Kelly "Talent Vacuum" Osborne
What's not to hate?

Appearance: moronic and overweight checkout operator with a permanent expression of slack-jawed idiocy.

Claim to fame: being the daughter of a drug-ravaged buffoon

Natural habitat: shops, trendy bars, tattoo parlours, obscure satellite channels, the bargain bin at Lidl, rehab

Career arc: can't sing, can't dance, too ugly to be a model and too stupid to be a TV presenter (which is really saying something).

Identifying marks: prison tats, lantern jaw, Lego hair, still looks like an underage mother no matter how much her clothes cost.

See also any Geldof kid and any "wife of..."
(JessicaJugs, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 18:35, 1 reply)

Sarah Palin.
Fuck the hint.
Nuff said.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 18:10, 3 replies)

Oh yeah...
Darren Day also. Everything about him makes me want to fuck hot water. Gigantic cunt made of human shit
(Dr Fishfinger Want's to see a fat man give a tit wank, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 17:58, Reply)

Jennifer Aniston
Has anyone ever become so irrelevant so quickly? Fair enough, everyone in Friends was a fucking cum sponge, but everyone assumed she'd be someone, based on the fact that she was the best looking of 6 anuses. When the biggest thing to have happened to you in the last 5 years is getting fucked off by your boyfriend for a much better option, you may as well just drink bleach. Even Vince Vaughn fucked her off & he looks like a modern day Frankenstein. Fuckin' hair-styled, rom-com twatette, piss organ
(Dr Fishfinger Want's to see a fat man give a tit wank, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 17:56, 1 reply)

spice boy Jamie Redknap
loathe his skinny and shiny grey suit and his squeaky voiced pundidtry 'yeah Richard he's a top top player' and 'oh yeah triffic skills' sounding like a sour cockney mouse and you can stick your holiday ad and the wii remote up your arse too.
I like his missus though she's nice, louise, got back in nice shape well sharpish after she popped one out. Felt a bit sorry for her a few years back after she was kicked out of that girl group because she was white, wasn't keen on 'stuck in the middle with you' bit pointless really can't improve on a classic multi platignum selling albums, wembley, sellout tours presenting career etc and she had the last laugh on them though, she married a premiership footballer! oh ....Jamie Redknap
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Wed 10 Feb 2010, 16:47, 3 replies)

Barack Obama
Bit obvious I know, but let's face it he's the guy we all love to hate
( rduke "you can buy most things in most shops", Wed 10 Feb 2010, 16:19, 10 replies)

dappy
I know he's not very famous but what a twat.
(Agent Dale Pooper k in the p, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 15:56, 2 replies)

Bit controversial I know but...

...isn't time The Simpsons was ended? I was a big fan from the time they first showed them on normal TV, we used to watch them with our daughter - good family fun.

But enough is enough. I didn't bother going to see the Simpson Movie, but saw it on telly fairly recently. Well, saw most of it, I fell asleep about two thirds through.

Just give it up. Move on. You've all made more than enough money - aren't you bored with it? Do the grown up thing, man the fuck up and MOVE ON.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 15:18, 6 replies)

Stephanie from Lazytown
Six years I have been sending her pictures of my cock and not so much as a thank you.

Stuck up bitch.
(Tugnut I got them all..., Wed 10 Feb 2010, 15:13, 6 replies)

Alex Ferguson and David Moyes
Because in every interview given they just can't pronounce the word "Situation". Instead they offer something like Sea-e-atechun. Really gets on my goat. That scar faced tosser Hansen does it too. The majority of the scottish league managers/footballers probably do it too but I don't watch Scottish football because it's generally a load of bawbags.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 14:43, 6 replies)

Tony Blair
Just because Psymon Spark is keeping score and he deserves at least a +1.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 14:38, Reply)

Vic Reeves
You know how your perception of famous (or even slightly well-known) people changes if you ever meet them? No? Well, it does. Anyway, I loved absolutely everything that came from the imagination of Mr Vic Reeves (or, if you prefer, Jim Moir) up until 2001, when things were rather soured for me.

My sister got married the previous year - nobody noteworthy turned up at the wedding, but later that year in conversation with my new brother-in-law he matter-of-factly informed me that he is in fact some kind of cousin to Vic Reeves (something might be removed somewhere along the line), and saw him socially a couple of times a year. Of course, I immediately started pestering him for an invitation, and after several months persuading my sister's husband that I wasn't a psycho, stalker or uberfan, one summer I ended up at a "do" at Mr Reeves' mansion in a secret location (well, not so much secret as now forgotten).

As it turns out, the BBC had decided to bring back Shooting Stars on BBC CHOICE in the New Year, so Vic was in the middle of designing some of those set-piece "games" inflicted on celebrities at the end of the programme. He asked if I'd be a "guinea pig" for once he was working on, so in my eagerness to impress I agreed, and that's how I came to be in the middle of his large entrance hallway with other guests curiously staring at me as somebody wheeled on what looked like a cricket sightscreen made up of little doors, like an advent calendar on wheels. Or a giant mobile game of Battleships, as letters were marked along the top and numbers down the side. "Roger Moore... pick a door!" trilled Vic, and I obliged. He then opened the one I'd chosen to reveal it was covering a small round window, which he invited me to walk over and peer into.

To this day I still have no idea what the point of the game was actually supposed to be, as I lost it at that point. The thing is, I'm actually scared shitless of all rodents. Especially when one unexpectedly appears right in front of your eyes, magnified by a slightly convex piece of glass. Regardless of whether said mouse is for some reason dressed in a foppish outfit with a feather in its hat.

Now I know I barged right through a few of his friends to get myself out of the front door and sprinting down the drive, but, instead of apologising, checking if I was OK, or downplaying the incident, Mr Reeves decided that my serious phobia gave him licence to pick on me for the rest of the night, and turned out to be a vicious prick about it all. I don't actually know if he ever knew my real name, but if he remembers me it'll be as "Ratboy". Tit.

My brother-in-law told me later that he'd seen the complete list of gags that had been used to make up the "game board" next to their door number, some of which were actually quite funny. Just my bloody luck to pick "Fey mouse peephole - I8".
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 14:35, 5 replies)

Andie McDowell
I used to like her. Or maybe it was the characters she played in movies. Then i saw her on a hair advert and now I have to change channels quickly before I vomit everywhere.

Oh and I hate the usernames on B3TA. Pretentious bollox.
(loeufestdanslejardin, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 13:50, 2 replies)

It'd be funny
if the leader of the Catholic church was to appear on Emmerdale. If I saw that, I don't think I could help but burst out laughing.

"Farmhouse pope!" I'll err, hoot.

Now That's What I Call Tenuous Punnage Vol.3
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 13:45, 1 reply)

I'm sure someone will have already mentioned him
Tony Blair for being as big of a warmongering nasty bastard as GW Bush. Not only that, it's the fact that he's not sorry for invading Iraq. "They've got WMD" he said. No they didn't. They knew that anyway. I believe it was the reason Robin Cook resigned.

"If we'd have left Saddam alone, he would've developed WMD"

Would he fuck. What with? The country was sanctioned to death almost. They had no military to speak of let alone any method of developing a nuclear arsenal. The Iraqi national orchestra couldn't import spare parts for instruments, that's how bad it got.

I would go on, but you know the rest.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 13:31, 5 replies)