Expect to hear alot from me this week!!
My very first boyfriend Eddie was a huge fan of rubber ducks, he liked to shove one in my mouth and put another in between my buttocks while he 'did' me. But when I asked him to bite me he called me a freak and dumped me!
(MissUnexpectedNuttering Mad to live, Mad to talk, and burn, burn, burn...., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:18, 7 replies)

No holes barred
When I was a student I randomly bumped into a short blond girl that I had known years back at school and had once had a snog with. At that time a snog was a much as she had ever managed so I assumed that she was still probably a little reticent in the sack. She was still shy as anything and would barely speak to anyone. It was only after a few drinks that I realised that she was not quite as inexperienced as she used to be. Maybe it was her describing how she liked to sit on the gear stick of her car (backdoor, thank you very much) or how she gave me a nosh in the car park as we said goodbye after our first meeting.

I naturally said I wanted to see her again (ok I practically begged) and we started to 'go out'. For the next 2 months, I had the most crazy sex imaginable with this shy and timid nympho. I genuinely think that there is nothing that she would not have done. She was like Jenna Jameson's more filthy sister. Getting to the fetish part of the story, she confided in me that her greatest fantasy was to be shagged by 5 guys at once. Front door, back door, mouth and one in each hand. Now, I'm no prude or owt, and am up for most things, but even I would not be keen to share her with 4 other grunting sweaty guys.

For some reason, still not really known to me, I ended it after a few months. I think that it had something to do with lack of any kind of relationship beyond crazy shagging, either that or my knob was about to fall off.

These days I am married with young kids so the most action I get is a hurried fumble once a fortnight if I'm lucky.

I miss librarian nympho girl.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:17, 7 replies)

Oooooo!
Nurse outfits!! How the hell did I forget that??!? Especially ones that have large boobs just straining to burst free from their PVC bastille...I think I need a lie down!
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:16, Reply)

Freckles.
Best invention ever.
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:16, Reply)

nothing too shocking
I quite like being bitten, groped hard, scratched, choked (but not too hard!) and smacked. Outside of that, fairly normal stuff like handcuffs, whipped cream/chocolate sauce, outdoor locations, etc...
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:12, 1 reply)

Cunnilingus. Yes I know it's not exactly a fetish.
What is it about it I like so much? Nothing turns me on more than a full three course chomp at the holiest of holies. I could literally stay down there all evening. I'd love to be allowed to illicit more than one orgasm (doesn't have to be a "multiple") in one sitting, but I'm not allowed!? Add in a bit of reciprocal oral though, and I'm happy as Larry.
More on track though, a nice bust trying to escape from a nice corset...Heaven
I must be really boring! Not in bed though, obviously.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:10, 16 replies)

Defetishisation
This tends to be the process for me:

1. Emvee develops taste for a particular kink
2. Emvee meets a girl with self-professed taste for particular kink
3. Girl promises Emvee that they can try out particular kink together
4. Girl continues to promise Emvee that they can try out particular kink together
5. Years pass of vanilla relationship without kinks
6. Emvee asks whatever happened to trying out kink
7. Girl confesses she was never into that particular kink anyway
8. Girl blames Emvee for trying to force kink on her
9. Girl makes Emvee feel like shit for even suggesting it in the first place
10. Girl uses all her womanly powers to layer guilt on Emvee every time she sees him
11. Emvee's life becomes long cycle of recrimination for being such a disgusting pervert
12. Emvee can't take it any more and breaks up with girl
13. Alone and lonely, Emvee visibly flinches whenever particular kink is so much as mentioned and despite never getting to try it out, has lost all taste for it

That pretty much sums up my last five relationships...by the time I'm 40 I'll be lucky if I can think about tits and still be able to smile. Why is it that women always advertise themselves as fun and willing to try stuff but as soon as you get close to them they turn into commitmentaholic prudes?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:02, 23 replies)

Alka Seltzer
My mate told me this so I hope it is true......
He was in the army and there was a particularly rampant girl who had done the rounds. Her affections could be bought for half a cider and black if you know what I mean.

He gets her back to his place and they're doing the naughty when all of a sudden she asks him to put two Alka Seltzers up inside her muff. Apparently she started fizzing like a Catherine Wheel and bucking like a mustang.

It's sort of intruiged me ever since.
( Hitler's Barber Soylent Green is high in saturated fat, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:52, 6 replies)

A young woman's buttocks.
Round, bouncy, perky. Anywhere there are crowds, I love seeing all the young women with round, bouncy, perky womanly buttocks.

Faces? As long as she has one. Tits? A handful is fine with me. Legs? Creamy thighs & shapely .. second to buttocks.
Buttocks? Second to none!
(barrycounty, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:52, 3 replies)

Good baby!
Had to pearoast this one.

THIS WAS A FRIEND OF A FRIEND!!! (i.e. me)

Imagine yourself at Lancaster University. Just for a minute.

Bloke meets girl on college bar crawl. Bloke and girl get snogging, bloke and girl decide to have sex in her room.

They go back to the room and the girl prepares a lovely nightcap, some sort of warmed mysterious liqueur that the guy hasn't experienced before, but it goes down very well apparently.

What happened immediately after that is rather inconsequential, I believe that they had mediocre to good sex, and fell asleep together.

However.

Chap wakes up early the next morning to a rather unsavoury smell, and a feeling of unwelcome and unexpected liquid warmth. He looks down and realises he is wearing a nappy. A full nappy.

Is terrified. Tries to leave without waking girl but she catches him and starts desperately trying to pull off the nappy, and this is the lovely part, she was screaming "Good baby, good baby!!".

She eventually rips the nappy off and sets about eating the contents. Man leaves. Man cries. Man has a shower.
(Waspard has your wank bank account details, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:50, 11 replies)

Celebrities!
All shapes and sizes i love em all, so far to say reading Hello/OK magazine gives me a chubby.

Only the other week i was queuing up waiting to meet yet another Celeb for what seemed like forever, getting more and more turned on every inch closer. Christ i was ready to blow volcano style!

Eventually I'm next... NEXT! fuck my bum cheeks slowly i was at the point just before climax as i stepped forward, struggling to speak all i could do was smack poor Leona right in the temple!

Now my friends i have a new fetish! this takes me further than anything before, please try it, all of you forget your pride and dignity give it a whirl!

cant wait to meet Kerry Katona now
(MudButton does not mean to offend but......, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:47, 3 replies)

Dorty gorls from Nor-Nye-Land
Preferably gingers.

/rubs thighs
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:44, Reply)

Girls eating chocolate
More specifically, girls eating KitKats. Or Jaffa Cakes at a push. Gives me the horn instantly. Most other kinds of chocolate are a no go.

I'm really not sure why to be honest.

And one of my mates can only get off if there is the smell of freshly washed clothes in the room. I honestly have no idea why it has to be freshly washed clothes. Sure, I appreciate what I can smell of them*, but not to the point where I spluff my pants over it.

*have lost majority of sense of smell, so can't smell much. Taste is also on it's way out.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:42, Reply)

Good looking feet in great shoes
mmm theres nothing like a ladies foot in a decent shoe. When i say decent, probably deforming the foot and causing bunions and pain.

Looks great though
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:40, Reply)

I like it when girls hit me
Proper girly punches, mind you - I once told a friend's fiancée it was a turn-on, and the next think I knew I was doubled up following a ju jitsu blow to my solar plexus.

Still gave me a chubby though.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:39, 1 reply)

Eyelashes
This could have been my answer last week (I Don't Understand the Attraction) too, because I don't know why - and I can't control - my weird love of eyelashes. If cakey with makeup, or grossly elongated and curved fakes, they do nothing for me. But thick, long, natural lashes make me drool.

It always catches me by surprise - I'll be talking with someone, and suddenly notice that they have lovely lashes, and I'm smitten.

This attraction would be OK if only beautiful, fit ladies had pretty eyelahes. But, no, fat chicks and (most disturbing) guys, can have great lashes too. Creeps me right out when I find myself admiring some fellows eyelashes.
(danalan Pretty good, for an amateur., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:32, 4 replies)

Trains.
Having sex whilst on a train really does it for me.(Rather than with a train in some sort of Ballard fantasy.) Maybe it is the steady rhythmic thumping, perhaps the image of riding this long phallic object penetrating a waiting tunnel - or maybe the dangerous prospect of being caught if one of the children go tell the ticket clipping man dressed as The Fat Controller.
(Tugnut I got them all..., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:31, 1 reply)

What a great opportunity to air my preferences on a forum like this.
I think I'm pretty normal although I do enjoy a spot of 'squelching'. (not to be confused with 'snurging') What really turns me on is to sneakily shit in women's handbags.

The first time was when I was about 16. My aunt was staying with us and one morning I got up early and spotted her handbag in the kitchen. I was actually on my way to the bog for a morning dump so I was 'loaded'. Nobody was around so I emptied my arse inside the bag. From that moment, I was hooked. Now I crap in handbags whenever the opportunity arises. I find the A&E department at the hospital a real turn on. It is quite easy to sneak into an accident victim's cubicle and curl on out in their handbag which is usually quite visible.

My most ambitious squelch was at home last week when the woman from Social Services was visiting me on another matter, one which I would not want to enter into on here as it could offend the child, her mother and their neighbour's dog, not to mention the shop that supplied the hose. The woman was taking a statement and asked if she could use the bathroom. I knew she didn't need a bath but she just needed to split the whiskers and as she left the room, I opened my blurter, coiled out a brownie into her briefcase and opened the window to expel the aroma. She re-entered the room and her nose twitched as there was still a slight smell of shyte in the air. I iws thinking on my feet and quickly told her that I had just farted and if she took deep breaths it would go quicker. By now the smell eminating from her briefcase was getting stronger. So strong you could sew a button on it so I bid her good day and showed her the door. To date I have recorded, in pictures, over 276 squelches which you can see on my website http://www.ilikeshittinginwomenshandbags.co.uk/gallery/ There is a lovely picture of my arse on there too.

So how many of you share my fetish then? Oh, and snurging is sniffing bicycle saddles. I'm not a fucking pervert!
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:30, 16 replies)

I'm lactose intolerant
and therefore not a huge fan of dairy products in general, which wasn't a huge problem on my hike across Russia.

Deep in the mountains however, I was starving hungry, I was desperate, and some kindly monks shared the fruits of their mountain goats with me.

That's how I got into the sect's Ural feta cheese.
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:30, 2 replies)

I fucking love those £4.99 chocolate catapilla cakes from ASDA.
I like the contradicting textures, the chocolate fondut being all soft and slightly sticky. And the M&M/Smartie things around the side being all hard and bumpy, causing more bumps against my toes. And then you've got the cake bit that you can put between your legs and squeeze your legs together to feel them coming out the top.

It's one of those great fetishes that you can be with a partner with, watching them squeeze the cake between their bumcheeks, and then licking their elbows covered in chocolate fondut, but you can also do it by yourself. Only problem (well, it's not a problem, I like it) it can be a bit messy, so when the cleaning lady comes around to do the sheets, you can tell her you got hungry for a midnight snack, but all the pills I take make me fall asleep, and I must have accidently rolled over the cake.

It's one of those things that if you do it every day (I once did it every day for a month, that was expensive, I can tell you) it looses it's appeal, but every once in a blue moon it's a great treat.

I got talking to the check out girl and told her it was my nephew's birthday, but then I saw her again a few days later when I was buying another cake (once their squished up, they're not very good anymore), so I had to use the other till.

My motivation board !

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:24, 6 replies)

I have
a feeling I am going to feel very vanilla by the time this QOTW is over, but for my money.

Men in suits (though perhaps that is tapping into some hitherto unknown lust for power and money?)
Really nice hands
Legs. I like men, but on the occasions I've been attracted to girls (properly, not alcohol-fuelled) it has been their legs. Absolutely gorgeous, and definitely sexual
And sadly though I try to keep it hidden cos it's slightly strange but eyeliner. On people obviously, rather than in. Anyone who can carry it off is good in my book.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:22, 4 replies)

I enjoy..
Having gay sex with popular boy band members, however i have to kill them afterwards...wouldnt want my exploits getting in the News of the world!
(MudButton does not mean to offend but......, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:18, 2 replies)

I knew a girl who liked having containers put up her.
Jamjars mainly, but if she was feeling particularly frisky, an old bottle of toilet duck. That really got her off.
( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:17, 4 replies)

BAGPUSS
This kindly little fella here...


OK, this might take a little explaining...

Back when I was a fresh-faced student in up in Manchester I got friendly with a girl named Kim. Nice girl. Great laugh, but - more importantly – she had the finest, hugest, roundest set of knockers I’ve ever had the good pleasure to rub up against. It was like she worked in a beach ball shop and was constantly walking round carrying some of the stock out in front of her. Anyway, we fell into a fuck-buddy-sort-of-in-a-relationship-situation. We were students, constantly skint, and quite frankly having the occasional fuck didn’t cost anything and saved money on the heating bills.

One time after a night on the town I ended up back at Kim’s place. It was freezing cold. So naturally we start getting it on. After some obligatory drunken missionary intercourse, Kim suggests we try a different position. Belching and trying to keep my Boddingtons sloshing about in my guts and not all over my partner and the duvet, I nod and she quickly assume the classic doggy-style position, arse sticking up in the air, her long hair tumbling down over her face. Fair enough. She might look a little like Captain Caveman in this position and I can’t see her tits anymore, but thems the breaks and she did have a mid-table arse*... As I approach from the rear, cock in hand, aiming for Kim’s gaping meat pie hole with the skill and dexterity of a drunken X-Wing pilot attempting to locate the ventilation shaft on the Death Star.

Then, as helmet touches curtains, Kim says with a sly little giggle: “Not that one!” And she raises her arse in the air and performs a little come-hither wiggle. Well, fuck me... Up to this point I’d never experienced any backdoor shenanigans, so I was instantly alert and my semi-floppy beer cock went stiffer than a homeless guy in Jeffrey Dhamers apartment. After a short break to lube up with some handy hand cream (I can remember it was FCUK branded, which I thought was pretty apt), we clambered back on the bed and I slid my cock inside Kim’s ever-so-tight chocolate box. And... in the next few moments... I discovered my purpose, I realised why I’d been put on this planet...

The weird thing was, though, that I spent all the time humping away at Kim’s brown star Galactica gazing up at a poster she had above her bed. Kim was a bit of a girly type girl, liked her soft toys and her flowers and there was so much pink in her bedroom it felt like we were fucking inside a giant fondant fancy... And the poster above her bed was none other than sleepy, yawny star of that eighties stop motion TV show, Bagpuss. I ended up getting lost in that kindly, wistful gaze, that open, soulful face... while I played hunt the sweet corn inside my friend’s bum hole. And as I came, squirting my load deep inside Kim, feeling my knees buckle – I was gazing up at Bagpuss, his big fuzzy eyebrows raised in a slightly concerned manor – as if he wanted to know I’d pull through without causing myself any major injury.

It was pretty damn disturbing.

And from that moment on every time I’ve had anal I’ve always, always, ALWAYS had a mental image of Bagpuss flash through my mind. It’s like I’ve been conditioned in some way... It’s gotten so bad that all I have to do is see a photo of the little white-and-pink git and I start getting the horn. Toy shops? Fuck no; can’t go anywhere near them in case I inadvertently stumble across a Bagpuss aisle and get an instant tent pole in the trouser department. Not a good idea when you’re surrounded by kids.

But probably the worst Bagpuss-related episode was a few years back when my ex, Emma and I were engaged in a little shit-stabbing after a night on the sauce. I was so pissed that I completely forgot to marshal my thoughts, to gather myself together, so as I came I shouted:

“BBBB-AAAA-GGGG-PPPP-UUUU-SSSS !!!” Before collapsing on Emma’s sweaty back and shoulders. There was a brief pause and before my cock had even slipped out of my girlfriend’s dirtbox I heard a perplexed:

“What did you just say?”

*Using the tried and tested judging of arses compared to Premiership football teams calculator.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:16, 18 replies)

I dont know if this is a fetish
My ex-boyfiend liked to try and have sex with with all his clothes on, including his coat and shoes. He never got to, I always said NO! He also enjoyed being caught masturbating.

Two of the many reasons why he is my ex-boyfirend. The only regret I have is I didnt think of dumping sooner.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:13, 8 replies)

My mate Aaron
... has a series of bizarre fetishes. One of which is gagging, possibly because he has a self-confessed chode and can't make a girl gag himself.

The one time vomiting was introduced into sex, however... it did not go well.

Aaron, it is important to note, is a lovely man. He's big and cuddly and despite looking like a nutter with two half-sleeve tattoos and a goatee beard, he's really funny and... he's like a big lovable dog, really.

Anyway, Aaron gets a rare chance at the beginning of this past summer - a chance to get laid. An ex-girlfriend phones him and says she's just broken up with her boyfriend, would he come up and visit her in Birmingham? Of course he would!

So, he drives all the way up to Brum from London, and winds up in her front room with her hot flatmate also. Result.

Aaron is not a big drinker. He drinks, sure, but it goes to his head very quickly. He used to say he was allergic to alcohol; we used to believe him. That's how bad he is.

So, he decides a bit of Dutch courage won't hurt and polishes off a few beers before they head out to the first club. It all goes well, she's WELL up for it and he's having a great time. They decide to move to a different club...

Walking there, Aaron feels an all-too-familiar sensation. He needs to vom. Shit. He makes his excuses, ducks down an alley and sprays puke through his hand. A little bit goes on the girl's shoe.

Blown it.

Actually, no... he washes his arm in some nearby loos, takes off his pukey shirt and it's all good. Next club, she's STILL up for it. He can't believe his luck - he's managed to puke on her and he'll still get laid. He is, however, sensible enough to drink water for the rest of the night.

Flash forward - Aaron and the girl in question are lying in bed in a state of undress, chatting drunken shit. Aaron sips his water and wonders when the sex can start. Then, an all-too-familiar sensation.

Shit. Aaron claims a need to go to the toilet, bursts out of the room and begins to spew barely after he shuts her bedroom door. All down the stairs. He runs, barefoot, through his own vomit before arriving in the toilet and voiding the rest of his stomach's contents. Retrieving a shirt from his bag, he cleans up as best he can, turns the lights off and goes back to bed.

What she doesn't know can;t hurt her, and the chatting shit commences once more. Then, all-too-familiar feeling BLEUGH.

He pukes, just a little, on his hand. Wiping it on her bed, he makes his excuses again, again puking just as he leaves the room. All down the stairs, which he has just cleaned. He sprints through his own puke again, and another wave of bile is ejected as he enters the kitchen. All over the toaster, in the sink, up the walls... everywhere.

To his credit, I would have just gotten in the car and left at this point. He gets out the pukey shirt, cleans up again and goes back upstairs.

I wish I could tell you he then fucked her, but he simply said he couldn't sleep without the TV on and went downstairs to kip on the sofa.

Length? Shorter than it is wide.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:12, Reply)

Insert dressing-up-like-a-space-bound-bounty-hunter pun

(Richy_T hundreds if not thousands of dollars, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:11, Reply)

This drives me potty
I'll be masturbating away quite happily, then suddenly... the wank-ADHD starts.

"oo tasty lady doing naughty things to me... ARGH my mum."
"oo tasty man doing things to me... ARGH children playing in a park"
"oo bouncy jiggling brea... ARGH Kim and Aggie."

And so it continues... Each interruption breaks the flow of things and reduces the enjoyment of the experience.

vaguely related to topic, but in an anti-way.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:09, 9 replies)

Neutrogena shower gel
The smell of Neutrogena shower gel reminds me of the first time I ever showered with a girl, just the merest whiff evokes that memory and gives me the raging horn.

However, this once got me into trouble. A few years ago I was dissatisfied with my life, the endless grind of work was getting me down and I didn’t feel like I was achieving anything worthwhile. It was in this frame of mind that I stumbled into a church and confessed all to a kindly priest. In a flood of tears I explained how I found modern life to be unsatisfying and uncaring and that I would like to become a Catholic and perhaps even join the priesthood. The priest calmed me down and said that becoming a Catholic was a serious matter and that I should take some time to think about it. He suggested that I come back after a month of abstaining from pleasures of the flesh and lustful thoughts and desires, then he would discuss my future with the church.

I returned a month later and the kindly priest asked me how I had got on. I explained that everything had gone well for the first 3 weeks, but then I picked up a bottle of Neutrogena shower gel and made the mistake of giving it a sniff. This caused such a powerful recollection of past sexual experiences that I was so overcome with lust I couldn’t help but masturbate furiously, after 3 weeks of clean living the release was incredible and I had the most explosive orgasm of my life, hot jizz squirted everywhere. The priest looked at me in horror and told me that I was no longer welcome in the Catholic church, I explained that I quite understood as I was no longer welcome in Tesco’s either.

Some of the above is not true, but the smell of Neutrogena DOES gives me a stonking bonk-on which is about as close to a sexual fetish as a boring accountant such as myself is likely to get.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:08, 5 replies)