BAGPUSS
This kindly little fella here...


OK, this might take a little explaining...

Back when I was a fresh-faced student in up in Manchester I got friendly with a girl named Kim. Nice girl. Great laugh, but - more importantly – she had the finest, hugest, roundest set of knockers I’ve ever had the good pleasure to rub up against. It was like she worked in a beach ball shop and was constantly walking round carrying some of the stock out in front of her. Anyway, we fell into a fuck-buddy-sort-of-in-a-relationship-situation. We were students, constantly skint, and quite frankly having the occasional fuck didn’t cost anything and saved money on the heating bills.

One time after a night on the town I ended up back at Kim’s place. It was freezing cold. So naturally we start getting it on. After some obligatory drunken missionary intercourse, Kim suggests we try a different position. Belching and trying to keep my Boddingtons sloshing about in my guts and not all over my partner and the duvet, I nod and she quickly assume the classic doggy-style position, arse sticking up in the air, her long hair tumbling down over her face. Fair enough. She might look a little like Captain Caveman in this position and I can’t see her tits anymore, but thems the breaks and she did have a mid-table arse*... As I approach from the rear, cock in hand, aiming for Kim’s gaping meat pie hole with the skill and dexterity of a drunken X-Wing pilot attempting to locate the ventilation shaft on the Death Star.

Then, as helmet touches curtains, Kim says with a sly little giggle: “Not that one!” And she raises her arse in the air and performs a little come-hither wiggle. Well, fuck me... Up to this point I’d never experienced any backdoor shenanigans, so I was instantly alert and my semi-floppy beer cock went stiffer than a homeless guy in Jeffrey Dhamers apartment. After a short break to lube up with some handy hand cream (I can remember it was FCUK branded, which I thought was pretty apt), we clambered back on the bed and I slid my cock inside Kim’s ever-so-tight chocolate box. And... in the next few moments... I discovered my purpose, I realised why I’d been put on this planet...

The weird thing was, though, that I spent all the time humping away at Kim’s brown star Galactica gazing up at a poster she had above her bed. Kim was a bit of a girly type girl, liked her soft toys and her flowers and there was so much pink in her bedroom it felt like we were fucking inside a giant fondant fancy... And the poster above her bed was none other than sleepy, yawny star of that eighties stop motion TV show, Bagpuss. I ended up getting lost in that kindly, wistful gaze, that open, soulful face... while I played hunt the sweet corn inside my friend’s bum hole. And as I came, squirting my load deep inside Kim, feeling my knees buckle – I was gazing up at Bagpuss, his big fuzzy eyebrows raised in a slightly concerned manor – as if he wanted to know I’d pull through without causing myself any major injury.

It was pretty damn disturbing.

And from that moment on every time I’ve had anal I’ve always, always, ALWAYS had a mental image of Bagpuss flash through my mind. It’s like I’ve been conditioned in some way... It’s gotten so bad that all I have to do is see a photo of the little white-and-pink git and I start getting the horn. Toy shops? Fuck no; can’t go anywhere near them in case I inadvertently stumble across a Bagpuss aisle and get an instant tent pole in the trouser department. Not a good idea when you’re surrounded by kids.

But probably the worst Bagpuss-related episode was a few years back when my ex, Emma and I were engaged in a little shit-stabbing after a night on the sauce. I was so pissed that I completely forgot to marshal my thoughts, to gather myself together, so as I came I shouted:

“BBBB-AAAA-GGGG-PPPP-UUUU-SSSS !!!” Before collapsing on Emma’s sweaty back and shoulders. There was a brief pause and before my cock had even slipped out of my girlfriend’s dirtbox I heard a perplexed:

“What did you just say?”

*Using the tried and tested judging of arses compared to Premiership football teams calculator.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:16, 18 replies)

( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:18, closed)

So what?

(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:57, closed)

CHRIST!

( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:04, closed)

Is he a fetish?


I guess this means I won't make "THE JMG LIST OF APPROVED, INTERESTING B3TANS"
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:05, closed)

I don't choose the list.

( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:53, closed)

So this doesn't get a 'firm handshake' then?
You disappoint me, son. As a Newcastle United supporter I thought you'd understand all about fantasy.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 23:38, closed)

JMG...
Cock off back to \talk or wherever you're from
(Kip, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 23:10, closed)

Write something funny then
Go on, you moody mushroom.
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 7:30, closed)

"Hunt the sweetcorn"
made me laugh & want to hurl at the same time - click
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:19, closed)

I'm giggling like a loon at that last bit
*Clicks*
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:24, closed)

*click*
for brown star Galactica.

My Relentless and me parted ways
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:24, closed)

You git!
Now I can't get the Battlestar themetune out of my head...
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:31, closed)

And...
...Emma loved him.
(Tugnut I got them all..., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:20, closed)

Emily
goddammit, Emily.
(Rsoles, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 22:03, closed)

Class
don't think I'll ever look at Bagpuss the same way again. clicks for ya!
(Lizard King, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:40, closed)

Best bit for me is
"went stiffer than a homeless guy in Jeffrey Dhamers apartment", which is top.
(Land of Green Ginger It's dreamy weather, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:49, closed)

That was when
I twigged who the author was.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 20:57, closed)

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply to this...

But I've only just stopped laughing.

more top quality work sir.

*Applauds and clicks damn hard*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 26 Oct 2009, 9:57, closed)