Just a phase
I like to think I’m a perfectly normal, well balanced human beign in the sex department. Not very kinky, just pretty damn normal insert-and-spurt kind of guy. But I wasn’t always like this. I think I ironed out all the kinks during the mastabatory opus also known as my early teenage years. Back then life was one big adventure centred round my cock and what I could make it do, and what it could do for me. Here’s a few of the more memorable experiments:-

ICE
On one of the many Saturday mornings I was left alone in the house while my parents fucked off to Tescos to do the food shopping, I discovered something pretty damn amazing. When I should’ve been sat in front of Number 73 watching some butch lesbo in dungarees talke to Gaz Top about some inane load of old monkeyspunk, I was busy exploring. And this is when I discovered that the inside of the freezer was cold... (OK, not the brightest kid, I admit it). First off I tried t-bagging my balls in a bowl of icewater. Hmmmm. Nice. Sort of made them shoot back up into my body as if they’d been hit by a mallet, but in a pleasurable kind of way. Then I broke off a bit of ice and rubbed it over my bell end and trapped a bit under my foreskin. Hmmmm. Also quite nice... I finished off by straddling the bowl of ice water, pulling the pud, and stopping occasionally to jam a bit of crushed up ice down my japs eye. It was absolutely fucking INCREDIBLE! And when I shot my load it came out the consistency of frozen yogurt, which lets face it, is a fucking bonus.

THE SHED
For your average teenage wank king, the common or garden shed is a veritable cornucopia of delights. Holding your cock against the lawnmower handle and reving the fucker up was a particular favorite. Sprayed enough cum over that appliance I’m suprised it didn’t get pregnant. But this favoured hobby of mine stopped suddenly when l I realised my dad’s sweaty palms had been where my pulsing spam dagger was oozing... put me off bigtime, that little did. So I moved onto the toolbox. Thats where I discovered the glue. Not the really hardcore stuff, but the wood glue. It looks like spunk, I reasoned, so it might look pretty good slopping round my cock. And it was. An amazing way to danger-wank. The trick is to toss off before the glue solidifies so much that you can’t actually move your hand anymore. Then, when you’ve kissed the sky and released a few batallions of your white-helmeted warriors, you have to rush back into the house and wash the gloop off before your cock’s encased forever Han Solo in carbonite style. Its exciting. Its exhilirating. Its the dogs bollocks. However, if your dad ever changes to a more expensive brand of all purpose glue when he discovers his supplies have mysteriously disappeared you’ve got to be very cautious. This is how you can end up loosing your pubes and a fair bit of cock, finger, and palm skin.

SISTER’S BEDROOM
OK, this is a bit of a no go area, but ahhh, fuck it. I spent a few confusing wankathons examining the contents of my sisters knicker drawer. It was wrong, it was disgusting, but that just made it feel so much better. And when I found a packet of tampons I hate to admit, I did actually have a primo uber-wank over the rather sexy instrucional diagrams. (Took me a good few years after that to find out what the fuck these little cottony things were for – I thought it was some kind of internal padding to help keep the average vag nice and roomy for your average cock)...

THE FRIDGE
My favorite wank accessory area. After a brief sojurn to the kitchen drawers (don’t whatever the fuck you do put a cocktail stick down your japs eye – hurts like fuck and only the most painful piss of your entire fucking life will get the fucker back out again), I ended up at the fridge. Fucking food was my passion. Earned me my childhood knickname of Mr Kipling, this did. And I can testify – he does indeed make exceedingly good cakes... But after I’d fucked my way through the fresh produce and crisper drawer, I realised I was getting bored. I had to try something new. Something daring. Something a little different....

All I can say is, if you’re going to stick a vegetable up your arse try something durable and strong. Carrots snap off and tend to get stuck. Five fucking days... FIVE FUCKING DAYS of terrible, stomach churning constipation and excessive laxative-taking later and I managed to uncork myself and gave birth to a sloppy shit the size of the Titanic... Not a good idea.... Not good at all...

But, like I say, I’m pretty normal now...
( SpankyHanky, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 14:37, 6 replies)

.
You Nasty
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 14:41, closed)

Pretty normal now?
ha a ha ha ha

clicks
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 14:44, closed)

I think you'll find...
...that they are "exceedingly good cakes"
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 14:47, closed)

Ha!
Yep - I stand corrected. Cheers. Gotta love a manor house... I mean, really love it...
( SpankyHanky, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 14:50, closed)

Ice, OK, that might work.
But getting glue on your cock is just asking for trouble.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Mon 26 Oct 2009, 19:34, closed)

Spanky...
You will never be normal, and that is why we love you!
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 21:14, closed)