I love the movie "Security Device Enclosed"
But the stores seem to have thousands of copies of it.

It must not be selling well.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 15:07, Reply)

Be Kind Rewind
WTF?

That is all
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 14:54, 3 replies)

My all time fave is 'Dirty Harriet'

I was staying at the 'Sleep-in' in Amsterdam - a very unofficial hostel. It was 1984 and I was 21. By day, I'd wander the city streets and squares and sit listening to buskers between coffeeshop visits; by night, I'd sit around the Sleep-in bar, rolling and smoking championship quality joints as the clock slowly unwound.

On my third morning, I rose at the crack of noon and wandered into the showers - they were open-plan, like school changing rooms. Oh, and uni-sex.

I put down my towel, took off my baggy t-shirt, stepped out of my Naxos sandals and dropped my loose fitting 501s. Then, with a bar of soap, walked to a nearby shower, turned the taps and shut my eyes as the water cascaded over my tanned skin. As I opened my eyes to find the soap, I noticed a girl wearing a thin cotton dress was slowly unbuttoning it not ten feet away. She was naked underneath, and she smiled at me as she lay it on the bench and walked to a shower jet close by.

She was stunning: blonde wavy hair, blue eyes, perfect full breasts, evenly tanned perfect figure.

"Hello," she said, "I'm Brigitte, I've been following you."

"Oh! I'm Che," I stammered, "I can't believe I've not noticed you."

She laughed and stepped a little closer, droplets of water running in magic rivulets down her body. "How would you like to earn some money?" she asked.

"Well, that depends," I said, "I wouldn't do anything illegal."

I could feel Little Che vying for attention, like a little boy in class who knows the answer and is trying to attract the teacher: "Oooh oooh, Miss, I know, I know". Like a good teacher, I did my best to ignore him.

"We're making a film and my leading man has hurt his back," she said, "I think you'd be perfect for the part." She stepped back under the stream of water, giving Little Che a mischevious glance before looking deep into my eyes, "Yes, you'd be perfect."

-------------------------------------------

So that's how I found myself a few hours later, with my punky hair and rough clothes, lying on the floor with Brigitte stood, straddling me in a tight shirt and mini skirt, pointing a gun at me and saying:

"So, Punk. Do you feel lucky?" I nodded and her face widened into a lascivious grin. "OK, get up and lean against that wall, spreadeagled. I need to frisk you." I 'assumed the position' and she proceeded to frisk me very thoroughly, somehow managing to rub up against me an awful lot.

"I'm not satisfied, you're holding out against me; I'm going to have to conduct a strip search" Is it usual for the cop to strip first? I didn't think so, but I wasn't going to argue, she was the one in charge.

"So that's why they call you Dirty Harriet," I moaned as her intimate physical examination forced me to yield my secrets all over her face and breasts.

---------------------------------------------------

Prizes if you see where the fiction starts and the truth ends.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 14:45, 7 replies)

Les Valseuses
starts with Gerard Depardieu being pushed down a hill in a shopping trolley.

Which is clearly a perfect way to open any film.

The imdb keywords give a clue to how it continues:

* Breasts * Impotence * Buddy * Male Nudity * Gay Sex * Female Nudity * On The Road * Naked Woman * Female Rear Nudity * Female Frontal Nudity * Vandalism * Forced Sexual Contact * Mugger * Car Theft * Gunshot Wound * Kidnapping * Robbery * Burglary * Rebellion * Sex * Train * Suicide * Murder * Escape * Based On Novel

(I suspect imdb has no categories for *breast milk drinking and *people thrown in a river)

Despite / because of its' complete lack of morality, it's a really life affirming film.
( monkeon schmonkeon, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 14:29, Reply)

PJM's post inspired me..
To think of Re-makes that aren't a pile o' wank.

Ok, so personally, I don't mind Godzilla (it's a guilty pleasure), but generally any decent film being re-made is a bad idea (Taxi, The Italian Job, Get Carter, etc).

So, I'd suggest:
1) Gone in 60 Seconds - ok, it's no oscar winner, but it's got cool cars, Angelina Jolie and it's shot nicely. The original 70s film was utter, utter tripe. In fact, I think they just kept the name.

2) Batman Begins - think about it, the Tim Burton "Batman" tells the story of how the Joker kills Bruce Wayne's parents and thus how he comes to become Batman ("Did you ever dance with the Devil in the pale moonlight?"). Suddenly, in Batman Begins, we have Batman being created by a childhood accident and several years being turned into a ninja in Tibet. It takes huge liberites with the accepted timelines of the comincs, etc, but Batman Begins is amazing. The Dark Knight looks great, too. Nothing will ever top Pfieffer's Catwoman, though - superbly portrayed as more of a tragic figure, but hugely shagable in that PVC suit.

3) Casino Royale. Don't get me wrong, I think Brosnan was a better Bond and should have done at least one or two more, but there is a great parkour sequence at the start of this and, despite the plot going AWOL and the dire third act that was shoe-horned in where Bond wants to quit and his missus dies (have they been watching On Her Majesty's Secret Service, by any chance?), it's still far far better than the godawful pastiche of the same name done in the 60s and obviously fuelled by a fistful of LSD and helmed by a director who was out of his mind. David Niven was the only one who escaped with any dignity from that wreck...

3) The Magnificent Seven. Yes, Kurosawa's Seven Samurai is arguably the better film, but the point is that this was a re-make that took the essential outline, made it more relevant to the audience and then made a great film out of it.

4) The Mean Machine - another guilty pleasure (mainly for Jason Statham, who was admirably psychotic). Yes, we don't have a prison system that involves the possibility of being shot by the guards at any time, unlike in the southern USA, but I think it hangs together well when compared to Burt Reynold's 70s movie (now suddenly renamed The Longest Yard, presumably to stop the piggy-backing of DVD sales). No, it's not great, but it's just as watchable as the original, albeit without the searing heat, threat of death and grittyness of parts of the earlier film. A good attempt, although why you'd want to re-make Mean Machine is beyond me.

5) Highlander 2. Not a remake? Then how do you explain the fact it completely re-tells the story of how the Immortals come about? The bad side? Well, it's a bit cheesy and some of the model effects were rather badly done, but that's about it from my point (oh, and it does get a bit preachy about the Ozone layer, etc). The good bits - Sean Connery, the scene in the Tailors' shop, the Bladerunner-esque scenery around the diner where Macleod deals with the dude on the flying snow-shoes...oh, and the soundtrack!

6) not strictly re-makes, but Young Sherlock Holmes and Without a Clue are two brilliant re-tellings of the age-old detective story that will brighten up any wet sunday afternoon.

I'm sure there are more...
(Chad, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 14:28, 6 replies)

Thank you for smoking
Very funny and with a dry sense of humour,

another recommended one

(does anyone know if this is based on a book a la Fast Food Nation?)
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 14:24, 2 replies)

Forgot to post this last night
I was watching one of my favourite movies, Apocalypse Now on Film 4 late last night.

It came to the scene where they gunned down the family on the boat (when the woman rushed to save the puppy).

As they opened fire I was suprised by the sound of someone laughing behind me, it was my daughter who had woken up for some reason and come downstairs to see what was happening.

My wife thinks my daughter laughing at mass killing is due to my influence (God knows how as I do all my murdering alone).

I love being married
(mon bison powered by magnets, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 14:22, Reply)

Life Of Brian...
Classic film, well written and genuinely humorous!

'He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!'

Although I thought the Mel Gibson remake lost some of the humour...
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 14:17, 3 replies)

Rom-zom-com
Shaun of The Dead

Admittedly I havn't looked through all previous posts but so far I have yet to come across any mention of this amazing film. I must have seen it about 40 times, no word of a lie. Any film that labels its genre as a romantic comedy with zombies deserves a watch.

"Are there any zombies out there"
"No I dont think so"
*looks slightly to the right*
"Oh, wait, there they are"

"Some men tried to get into the house earlier"
"Mum are you OK?!"
"Well, they were a bit...bitey"

"Why have we got to go to Liz's?"
"Because we do."
"But she dumped you!"
"I have to know if she's all right!"
"Why?"
"Because I love her!"
"All right... gayyy."

I could go on but I'll leave it there. I have yet to find a single person who does not find this movie hilarious.
(BigFatPaulie, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 14:14, 1 reply)

My top 10 films with bumming in
1. Shawshank Redemption
2. Scum
3. Brokeback mountain
4. The Shining
5. Roadhouse (not positive they were bumming)
6. The Kiterunner
7. Screw My Wife Please 34: and Make Her Wacky
8. Anal Excursions 5
9. American History X
10. Deliverance

Edit: Latest additions...

Pulp Fiction
Last Tango in Paris
Human Traffic
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 14:00, 8 replies)

Maiden
I really hope that I'm going to enjoy The Chemical Wedding.

Co-written by Bruce Dickinson (Iron Maiden).

It's out in the summer.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 13:58, Reply)

Thought I'd also mention...
I'm gonna git you sucka, a great film thats a parody of blaxploitation movies.

Just thinking about John Slade being followed everywhere by musicians playing his theme music makes me chuckle


I really need to get this on DVD (if its available) now my VCR has died :-(
(mon bison powered by magnets, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 13:41, 4 replies)

A few noteworthy films...
...for various reasons, not necesarily my favourites but they excel in their genre where others have failed:

The Last Winter - Imagine John Carpenter's "The Thing" crossed with "The Shining" and set in Alaska and you probably already have an idea of what this is like. Directed by Larry Fessenden on an ultra-low budget, it is beautifully paced as the tension builds. Add a macho Ron Perlman reducing to a bedwetting wreck and a neat explantion of the spooky goings on and you have a great little horror film that doesn't need limbs flying all across the screen.

Hardware - One of the best post-apocalyptic killer-robot films. Gritty, grimey, dirty, bloody, it's a great example of what can be done with a small budget and unfamiliar actors (okay, you get Lemmy as a speedboat-taxi driver and Iggy Pop as a mad radio presenter). The director, Richard Stanley was royally fucked when he was signed up to do The Island of Dr Moreau and hasn't made a feature film since.

Nine Queens - Picked this up a few weeks ago in the "World Cinema" section of Zavvi for £6. Absolute bargain. It tells the story of two Argentinian conmen - one experienced and one amateur who is taken under the wing of the experienced and shown some of the tricks of the trade. It is on a par with The Sting and it all works beautifully.

Save the Green Planet - It's Korean and it's bonkers. It's comedy, it's horror, it's sci-fi, it's mad. To say too much about it would ruin some of the surprises to be had during the film, but if you like Korean films and haven't seen this then you won't be disappointed.
(lo-fi_shop_assistant, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 13:26, Reply)

The best film I ever saw

was about mix tapes.


No wait, it was the worst.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 13:23, 2 replies)

Epics
Last of the Mohicans - Set during the French Indian Wars, a fantastic storyline, plenty of scalpings and and a haunting soundtrack, The music always makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

Apocolypto - Another story of doing anything for love, a film of 2 halves, bloody and brutal, beautifully shot in South America.

Full Metal Jacket - so quotable, funny at times, harrowing at others.

Anchorman - Rib breakingly funny, the best of the 'frat-pack' films

Gladiator - Another film where the actions scenes steal the show, again there is an epic soundtrack and top acting all around

300/Sin City - The Frank Miller style graphics make these films stand out, good story lines.
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 13:17, Reply)

Time to get your petrol cans and matches, boys and girls...
Am I the only person who thinks that
Mike Myers' films are generally a bit shite?

Wayne's World? Meh. Amusing in places, and I laughed willingly at the scene with the cue cards ("Sphincter Boy", "This man has no penis", etc.) but I thought the majority of the film was a bit crap - like it was trying too hard to force a load of really weak jokes. Give me Bill and Ted any day.

Austin Powers? Again, mildly amusing when I first saw them, but ultimately not that funny. Upon re-watching the first two on the telly, so minus the benefits of the big screen, they do, again, seem to be flogging a dead horseful of second-rate jokes. And the main character really gets on my tits.

This little rant wouldn't have come to mind had it not been for the fact that every day I now walk past countless posters for his new film. I really don't think I want to see it.

I'm off to find a fireproof jacket now in anticipation of the wrathful disagreements of the fans...
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 13:11, 5 replies)

Breakin' 2 - Electric Boogaloo
Its just incredibly cheesy and is excellent to show off the fashions of the 80s. Oh and it has some pretty damned impressive breakdancing in it too!

The plot is the stereotypical Ghetto youth being ousted by a rich property developer who is then backed into a corner and gives in and gives their building back, all the while windmilling and roboting to the town council offices to protest!

Theres some top totty in there too.

Ohh and MC Mike from FunHouse is one of the lead characters....
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 13:05, Reply)

Made In Britain
Has anyone apart from me seen this?

It's a fantastic (though incredibly depressing and sad too) film about a skinhead who gets locked up in a Young Offender's Institution for putting a brick through someone's window.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 13:02, 3 replies)

Spoofs!
It's probably been mentioned a million times already, but Airplane 1 & 2 (2 is slightly better imo) are the best films i've seen. I was crying with laughter through most of them :D I dont think they will ever get old!

These are also awsome:

Naked Gun 1, 2 & 3
Hot Shots 1 & 2
DBAMTSCWDJITH (too long to type)
Loaded Weapon
Secret Agent
Austin Powers (is a spoof i guess?)
(Lexachu A buh? no, not a buh, a bomb!, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 12:56, 2 replies)

Good shout.
Whilst I do like some films on artistic merit, there is more than definitely a place for brainless tat as well. And Starship Troopers, whilst not as clever as it thinks it is, is fucking champ. And never let anyone tell you otherwise. Or make you watch the second one...
(Nimrod's Son Boredom provokes some interesting habits..., Wed 23 Jul 2008, 12:20, 6 replies)

Theres
a film called "The Game" never seen it but a friend was saying how shit it was last night and it reminded me i was playing The Game so i have to tell you all.
( Trollman, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 12:00, 3 replies)

A few
"Still Crazy" - MUCH better than "Spinal Tap"
"Cathula" - need to find the sequal.
"Full Metal Jacket" - a film of 2 halves.
(kitescreech still here, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 11:56, Reply)

Kentucky Fried Movie
One of the funniest films in my younger days. So many quotes (some of which we still use) a bit of sex, some tits and generally a very funny politically incorrect film.

Blade Runner - Top film. I liked both the normal one and the directors cut but prefer the directors cut as the voice over explains whats going on rather than leaving you to work it out for yourself.

Animal House - John Belushi on fine form and an all round top film

Airplane! - What can I say about this film really.......I laughed so much I pissed my pants..the second time I watched it because you miss so much the first time because you are laughing
(scowners shagged his mum on, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 11:52, 2 replies)

i enjoyed jacobs ladder
with tim robbins,pretty fucked up film
(Rattlehead all time with the gay, forever touching, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 11:37, Reply)

soooo many movies
I have a lot of faves that have already been said. One surprise film that I thought was really moving (honest!) was Little Miss Sunshine.

v funny.

For the record.....people need to sit through the pain of Inland Empire by Lynch. The most weird, depressing, disturbing and wrong movie I have ever seen.

anyone seen it ?
(GeordieKermit, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 11:25, Reply)

Yellowbeard
If ever there was a comedy worthy of praise it would be this movie. The greatest comedy that I have ever seen - ever. No other comedy even comes close to touching this movie with a nuke from orbit.

An amazing cast, wonderful writing, snappy lines ("How did all these men die?" - "Plague." - "Plague?!? That man has a sword through him!" - "He fell on it.") all coalesce to make an unforgettable movie experience.

The bastard is that you can't get it on DVD yet and my VHS (remember those) is completely worn away with use.

96 minutes of time well spent if you ask me.
(UncleChuckles "Cthulhu fhtagn", Wed 23 Jul 2008, 11:09, 2 replies)

Mickey Blue Eyes
Inexplicably, this is the favourtie film of my Mrs. I agree that it is midly amusing but I suspect that she is one of the only people on the planet who would claim that as their favourite.

A few months ago we had some friends round for dinner and one of them is a serious film type who has even made his own short film. He was telling us about some 1960's black and white Russian film he had been watching that day when my Mrs told him about Mickey Blue Eyes being her favourite film of all time. He almost choked on his prawns and sat there in shocked silence for at least half an hour. I don't think that his brain could compute the horror of it.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 11:06, 1 reply)

Films I still haven't seen
Strangely i've probably seen less films than a remote african village with only a tin can for a satellite dish and fish bowl for a TV. I've yet to see:

Scarface
Any Godfather film
Only watched Pulp fiction this year and that's the only taratino film I've seen.
In fact name any Oscar winning film of the last 10 yrs and I haven't seen it.

Strangely the less of the celluloid tapestry they call 'film' that I see the more I realise what a load of utter shite 99% of it is. Am I the only one who thinks Hollywood has gone so far up its own arse that the only thing you see when you go to the movies is a talking arsehole that wants to rape me for cash?
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 11:00, 2 replies)

The Dark Knight…an insomniac’s review.

It has probably been mentioned before on these momentous pages but I am a great believer in the ‘hype / expectations / disappointment’ ratio…i.e. the more a film is built up, the higher it goes in your estimations, therefore the anticipation increases and in the end you more often than not wind up pissed off when you finally watch it because it doesn’t match up. To paraphrase Top Gun:

‘Its ego is writing cheques its body can’t cash’

On the flipside, if you hear nothing but shithouse reviews, you go into a movie with expectations that are lower than the arse of a dog with worms, and then, unless the film really IS the biggest steaming tepid bucket of donkey snot, you come out pleasantly surprised and satisfied

(I know what you’re thinking and yes…I am that shallow and easily swung by public opinion. I am the 1% that is affected by advertising etc.)

Anyhoo…so I couldn’t sleep last night…for the umpteenth time recently. Now I don’t know if I’m suffering from coming off the painkillers & sleeping tablets from my happy ‘bout of gout’ last week, but ever since I stopped taking them I just can’t seem to get any shut eye. What’s that all about?

Moving swiftly on….it was Wednesday morning, 3am, and considering my eyes were being forced open by metaphorical matchsticks I decided that a good way to whittle away the hours before work was to watch ‘The Dark Knight’.

I can’t think of a film in recent times that has received the same amount of hype and pre-release praise as this one. I was looking forward to it like I was ‘on a promise’.

All the hype – all the expectation…the ratio was off the scale.

It simply had to deliver. This film was either going to ‘blow the bloody doors off’ every other movie this year (at least) and I would spend the next few weeks (or until the football season starts) waxing lyrical about the veritable plethora of spectacular sequences, and how it evoked the senses in a way that only a masterpiece of cinematic artistry can…

Or…

I was going to be crushingly disappointed…despising it and everything the self indulgent twaddle-fest stood for…I would revel in ripping every aspect of every scene to shreds with the acid tongued ferocity of a recently-made-redundant alien-predator hybrid who is experiencing a particularly heavy period.

The ratio is written…There could be no ‘in-between’

So here is my review of this summer’s big blockbuster, The Dark Knight…

…

It was alright.



Edit: Considering this QOTW is about the ‘Best Films Ever’, perhaps I shouldn’t have bothered with this post. Still…hindsight…it’s a cunt ain’t it?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 23 Jul 2008, 10:36, 4 replies)

along with many other people
I don't think i can actually pick a favourite, and if i did then it would probably already have been mentioned by someone else. So, i'm going to choose an obscure film, thats still brilliant and i think people should see.
La Moustache. It's in french (but dont let that put you off) and it's about a guy who shaves off his moustache. No, seriously. If i said any more i'd be ruining it for you.
Incidentally, i have now watched this film with three females that i've been attempting to have sex with, and totally failed to get it together with any of them. It's still a great film though, just perhaps not for trying to get someone to fuck you.
(unciebana It's good, but it's not right., Wed 23 Jul 2008, 10:29, Reply)