I occassionally work as security personnel at music festivals.
Someone complained to me at one of the events over the summer that they found a semen filled condom covered in shit and blood stuck to their back when they climbed out of their sleeping bag in the morning.

He knew he didn't get lucky because they had left him a thank you note for use of the tent.
( Munsta, Thu 9 Feb 2012, 12:54, Reply)

pea
I found this stuck to our bog. I think it may have been me.

(Gormo is the reason why paradise lost, Thu 9 Feb 2012, 12:40, 1 reply)

A final one for you, while we wait for the new question:
Joe Scaramanga and I used to share a batchelor pad together - it was very Men Behaving Badly - lager cans, ashtrays, computer games, no cushions.

One Saturday, in the middle of summer, we decided to clean up for some reason - I did the hoovering, Joe was cleaning the oven, tunes on, beer ready in the fridge, and boy was it hot work! Soon we were both stripped down to just jeans, and suddenly the doorbell rang.

I went down and answered, and there was a door-to-door salesman, who proceeded to try and sell me some windows.

"We rent, mate - you'll want the landlord" I told him.

"Yes, but perhaps you could advise him" said Mr Salesman.

"I don't think so," said I, "I'm sure he'll be in touch if he's interested"

"Well could you give him some literature please" he said "Because these windows ... " he was really quite persistent.

Now, I'm normally quite good at closing the door, but this guy was quite the artist, and managed to keep me there, and the door open, for several minutes, until suddenly his face changed, he backed off, and, stuttering, said, "Erm ... ah ... maybe, er ... maybe I'll just go, then ... ", and off he went.

I was about to be surprised at this sudden change of heart, until I heard a gruff voice behind me say "You alright, mate?", and turned to see Joe - all 6' 3" of him, topless, in jeans, wearing a pair of yellow marigold gloves that were covered in brown ... well ... shit ...

... and saw myself, topless, in jeans ...

both of us clearly sweaty ...

I'd like to think that that salesman still dines out on the story as well.
( A Vagabond lol commie povvo, Thu 9 Feb 2012, 11:56, 2 replies)

It is slower than a /talkers sex life on QOTW today.

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 9 Feb 2012, 11:16, 12 replies)

.
I work at a well know DIY store while I am studying, the pittance that I get paid helps me buy essentials (beer). Anyway this DIY store has offers on every Wednesday for the over 60`s with a discount card, it’s easy to apply for, they just need some ID such as driving licence, passport, bus pass. Anyway the customers on a Wednesday are referred to as the PSOF or Piss Soaked Old fuckers. For good reason, most of the doddery old sods stink. If you have pissed and shit yourself do you really need three bags of concrete and twelve plants that have been marked down to 10p each as they are dead?
(Orkstomper, Thu 9 Feb 2012, 8:50, 9 replies)

Another dog story
A few weeks ago, I got a puppy. She's cute, adorable, fuzzy, loving, and prone to eating her own feces.

I try to stop this charming habit, but she's a quick little thing and often is munching down on tasty brown goop before I can distract her.
(I still let her lick me on the face though. I suppose I have a fairly high tolerance for disgusting.)

However, that isn't the story I meant to tell. The story is that this poor animal got a coccidia infection and a giardia infection in close succession, probably due to this aforementioned practice. These parasites both produce explosive, smelly diarrhea. Or maybe it was the medication for them that did that.

I swear, I turned my back on her for one second and this normally house-trained animal managed to paint halfway up the wall with an enormous splatter. I don't know how she did it. It was higher than her head. Serious pressure must have been building up in there.

The next hour was spent scraping it off the wall while trying not to gag and liberally applying bleach and dog-related scent removal products. The whole house still stank. All windows open, I took her for a long walk to give it a chance to air. No go, still stank when I went to bed that night.

Next time, I'm getting a fish. (lie, I secretly love it, poop explosions and all)
(TheWonderfulWombat It came to me in a dream., Thu 9 Feb 2012, 4:25, 9 replies)