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Enzyme says: Tell us your tales of grot, grime, dirt, detritus and mess

(, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 13:04)
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Potential poisoning just for shits and giggles (mostly shits)…

Only last night I was regaled with this tale on the subject of things very foul. Now, before anyone starts – I was told this by a bloke that I haven’t known for very long, who was rat-arsed, in the pub, so as we all know – these types of people are amongst the most truthful and trustworthy of all living things, and so all shouts of ‘lies’ will instantly be declared null and void. Needless to say however, I shall resort to using the word ‘apparently’ quite a bit…

As we chatted, I happened to mention the subject of this weeks’ QotW to my friend, and inevitably the subject wandered on to various disgusting things that we had witnessed in our lives. My compadre, however, then proceeded to out-do any of my feeble efforts by dragging up the following fable.

‘Apparently’, a few years back, the very pub we were wallowing in last night was frequented by a bloke called ‘Pete’, who, to put it mildly was an utterly wankish cunt-cake – we’re talking Piers Morgan league here. An oafish, overly confident cockboil who would insist on ‘playing’ the most feeble and generally unfunny practical jokes this side of Uranus.

One of his favourite ‘japes’ was to spike people’s drinks with Mercury. Now I wasn’t aware of this, but it was explained to me that the dense properties of mercury have a tendency to react with the stomach contents to create a highly powerful (and potentially painful) laxative. Oh, how everybody nobody but Pete would laugh as random helpless victims would occasionally find themselves with a look of purest despair etched across their faces, before leaping up and legging it to the crappers - their thumbs securely up their shitesockets, where they would then proceed to veritably shit themselves there and back again.

The teller of this tale was also the victim of this cruel jocularity once, and my face contorted with horror as he described his walk home from the pub that fateful day, where he would have to stop every few yards, rapidly heave his kex to the floor by the nearest available patch of grass, and then empty himself with the minging megathrust of an arse-assisted Asian Tsunami.

However, even this pales into comparison to the time when Pete decided to expand his victim list from regulars (who had the ability to exact revenge on him) to total strangers, and he once popped his poo-producing prank into the drink of an attractive lady in her thirties who had innocently walked into the pub with some friends…and was wearing a white dress. Strewth.

I was informed that Pete, an overweight, sweating globule of lumbering disgusting-ness could adopt the stealth of a veritable ninja when it came to dropping this ‘weapon of ass destruction’ onto unsuspecting townsfolk (I imagine he’s probably now quite adept at dispensing royhpnol – he sounds like that sort of bloke), and not only was the unsuspecting woman none the wiser to this twatblocks’ masterplan, but nobody else saw him do it either so they could give her fair warning.

The lady sipped away at her drink as she continued her innocent chat with her companions, blissfully oblivious to the untold horror that was about to unfold. My friends’ suspicions were first aroused that something might not be right when he overheard the lady complaining of stomach ache. With this, his glanced turned to Pete - who had already started his trademark evil cackle...

Bless her, my witness informs me that despite the obvious discomfort, the poor woman must’ve been trying to remain ladylike and ‘hold it in’ pinching her butt-cheeks together ever tighter whilst inevitably plunging towards crisis point. It was just a matter of time...

Finally, she decided that she could wait no longer and stood up…but the problem was that she had already waited too long. As she rose and purposefully strode towards the toilet, her dress began to dramatically stain as her rupturing innards decided to give in and explode involuntarily. The woman then launched into a sprint as she continued spraying violently down her clothes and legs as her farting springs mercilessly quacked out gallons of purest liquid shit into the surrounding area.

A wave of shock washed over the whole pub as the woman's friends rushed to her aid and Pete continued to prolapse with laughter.

Eventually he was barred for some other preposterous ploy that backfired hideously. However, I asked my friend why nobody had ever turned him in, and I was told that although it was obviously Pete that was the perpetrator, his guilt was only inferred by his ever-presence whenever this despicable act occurred, and Pete’s response every time, in conjunction with his accompanying conversations regarding the usage of Mercury – unfortunately this only made for circumstantial evidence. Nobody had physically seen him drop the mercury first hand. However, I understand that ‘pub-justice’ was exacted on him on more than a few occasions.

Overall though, I think I’m glad I never met this ‘Pete’ chap – as I feel I would be quite justified in kicking him squarely in the man-berries. What a cunt.
(, Wed 8 Feb 2012, 10:58, closed)
mercury?
I would have thought that the laxative effect of having your drink spiked with mercury would be the least of your worries
(, Wed 8 Feb 2012, 11:20, closed)
I know...

Potentially poisoning somebody in the name of a (pun warning) shit joke.

I don't know, but I imagine ground up laxative tablets from the chemists would do the same job?

...but Mercury is what I was told.
(, Wed 8 Feb 2012, 11:25, closed)
It's possible, I suppose
www.wondersandmarvels.com/2010/09/mercury-laxatives.html
(, Wed 8 Feb 2012, 11:52, closed)
Feed him some lead.
A pipe about 3ft. long would do.
(, Wed 8 Feb 2012, 11:52, closed)
I'm fairly sure mercury wouldn't work
For one thing, it's 13 times denser than water, so even adding a small amount to someone's glass would make it feel weirdly heavy. Secondly, because it's so dense and not miscible with water it would just sit in the bottom of the glass until whoever was drinking would spot it. I don't honestly think they'd miss it. Someone tried this with oranges once, a while ago - they injected the oranges with mercury, but when people peeled the oranges the mercury just fell out.
(, Wed 8 Feb 2012, 17:45, closed)
I'm glad it wasn't just me
thinking along these lines.
(, Wed 8 Feb 2012, 19:56, closed)

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