Fiona Ve***-Colby.
Come get me baby
(FiftyFour, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 1:16, Reply)

Her name was Brett
Way back when in first grade I told her I love her. It was just puppy love... She was a tomboy, into sports and the like.

Now I'm gay. I think it's a sign.
(RF, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 1:02, Reply)

First Love
My second love was a preacher's daughter named Andrea. We had it good until I discovered she thought I was going to go to Hell for not being a Baptist. We broke up shortly after. We still hang out, and occasionally fool around. She's quite rough in the sack!

My third love was a crazy emotional chick who I stupidly decided to live with for a year. This was followed by a breakdown, breakup, get back together, breakup, get back together, and breakup. This time it's permanent. Since then she's become a mangy whore.

Sadly, I caught a fleeting glimpse of the love of my life this summer. Too bad she wouldn't have me.
(tefu, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 0:59, Reply)

Painful memories
Her name was Alyx. I now avoid her, after it turned out she had the intellect of a dead squirrel (all the knowledge she seemed to posess when she was about 10 was due to her parents pushing her).

She's been obsessed with Tom Cruise for over half a decade now, apparently, and wants to become an air hostess. Thank God we moved to seperate schools when we did...

That, however, could be considered a crush bought on by the onset of puberty. My first extended, intense experience with love was with a girl called Samantha, aged 13. We fancied each other to bits, and actually fooled around for a while, behind her then-boyfriend's back. She "let slip" about us to him, and they split up. Did I get a look in? Nope- she used it as an excuse so she could go out with someone else. Due to rather unusual circumstances (her lying expertly, and also being so clinically insane I couldn't really judge her), I let this slide, and for the next 2 years she made out with me as revenge every time her new bloke pissed her off. She pretended to be oblivious to my infatuation until I started telling her face to face. Needless to say, our relationship became rather strained, and we haven't spoken in quite a while...
(youthink, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 0:07, Reply)

hmmm
i dunno about love.. but the first girl i was crazy about was Geraldine Kay. We were both 6yrs old at the time... i remember she used to ask to see my willy in class and i'd gladly oblige and get into trouble. Then one day, out of the blue, she ran across the playground to me, pulled down her knickers and lifted up her red chequered school dress.. and i remember looking at her midrift and thinking "what the fuck is that!?". I remember standing there so shocked and confused i couldn't talk...

Until recently i thought i had lots of 'true loves', but only now i have met the girl of my dreams it seems, at 23 years old... and i'm the happiest I could ever be :¬D

will it last? i hope so...

just to think i thought love was just when you really really wanted to shag someone over and over... doh! Now i have 'emotions'.... and don't feel the need to get pissed so much... it's a strange one :¬S
( northernwifeb3ta is going to Dubai in December :D for "work", Fri 21 Oct 2005, 0:00, Reply)

Twice the pleasure
I have two tales for you goodly gentlefolk:

1:
First girlfriend. We were both fifteen. She was a Wimbledon ballgirl. It didn't last long - a month or two perhaps. She split with me after the first (and indeed only) time I got off with her. I think she mistook me putting my arms around her for, er, something else. Just as well, really. She had long, blonde hair that you could run your fingers through and get them stuck. It was _that_ frizzy. I remember being quite upset about it until my old man told me that Have I Got News for You was on.

2:
Second girlfriend. We were both 19. I fell for her on the floor of the University of Warwick's sports hall. Not the most promising of venues, I confess. We were both at a big student conference there, and were in the same year at the University of York. I had been turfed out of the place I had laid out (German tourist style) beforehand and ended up next to her. She fell asleep and, looking back, I think I fell in love with her then. I didn't really realise it, though.

So, I picked up the courage to ask her out on the coach back. Then she mentioned that hideous phrase - "my boyfriend." Fvcksocks.

A few months later, I heard that they were no longer an item. So, I asked her out, by way of asking her to do a graphology assessment for me, bizarrely enough. I was so nervous I had to write down and practice what I wanted to say ( I've subsequently framed it) She was rather taken aback, and asked for some time to think.

Foolishly, I thought I was in there.

I wasn't. The next day she turned me down. Her previous boyfriend had been a bit of a headcase, apparently. She didn't feel ready for another relationship.

I didn't eat for two days. I wrote out Radiohead lyrics. Nuff said.

Fast forward two weeks. I met her at a Battle of the Bands heat. We had a good natter and she agreed to go out to a club (of the alternative music variety) the following night. I didn't see her until gone midnight - I thought I'd been stood up. She had a decent enough explanation, although I can't remember what it was offhand.

The next day I saw her at the Amnesty stall. She asked to have a word with me. We went outside. It was the middle of February and was a little bit on the chilly side to say the least. We sat down. She asked me out.

Five and a half years later, this October, I took her to the same spot and proposed to her. She said yes.

Ah, almost forgot. Between me asking her out and her asking me out, I decided to take revenge on her previous bf. I got him super-soaked and flanned during RAG week. I eventually owned up to this a few months into our relationship. Her reaction? "But that wasn't him!". I'd put out a contract on the wrong bloke, poor bugger.

Girth? Length? You love it.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 23:52, Reply)

My first love was






dead
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Thu 20 Oct 2005, 23:14, Reply)

mmm
I was probably about 6 or 7. Timmy was the boy of my dreams. We were good friends, though he wasn't actually aware of how I really felt for him.
That is, until recess one day, when I got sick of waiting.

I pushed him down, sat on top of him and tried to pull his pants off. The teacher pulled me away in time and Timmy freaked out and ran off.
I haven't talked to him since.
Sigh.
( trintrin has jam for blood, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 23:05, Reply)

reminder
Ah those young days, eh? There was a poem that reminds me of those times:

We were meant to be together
My perfect love, eternal flame
The only way it could get better
Is if I had the guts to ask your name.

Damn childish shyness!
(sunbomb, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 22:55, Reply)

ze germans
when i were a nipper, every year three generations of family squirrel would go on holiday to cornwall, and we'd stay in the same b&b. one year there was a german girl and her parents in the room next door. we hung out loads, our parents didn't mention the war, and at the end of my holiday she gave me a rather pretty crystal which i promptly left by the side of the road on the way home when we stopped so i could do something about my carsickness.

thinking about it if we'd been ten years older i would have probably got a much better present and lost something else.
(squirrelysquirrel, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 22:29, Reply)

She just sent me a text saying "I love you"
Its taken almost a year for her to sort out her shit and decide that I'm awesome but now things are absolutely spifftastic.

She's wonderful, I think I'll answer that with "ditto".
(divadsci, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 22:10, Reply)

My first love?
Definitely Chaos on the Spectrum. I could play that for hours.
(richard pye, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 21:48, Reply)

bob from pigeon street
I loved him. he drove a scooter, kept pigeons, had a charming beard and wore a duffel coat. I was *so* disappointed when I realised that he was a cartoon character...
( biscuitbiscuit is in ur garden, watering ur plantz, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 21:35, Reply)

First love you say?
Liked S+M, Broke up with me after a day and kept unhealthy obessions with Germans. I say no more.
(Shadowman, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 21:16, Reply)

Amy....sigh....Amy
My first love was a girl named Amy. We were in 4th grade. One night I had a dream that one of her parents and one of my parents both got killed and our remaining parents got married. Not much of a dream, but I went to school the next day, and "wooomp!" there she was, in all her cuteness, right down to her oversize knit mittens.

Being my first love, I didn't want to screw it up (truth, I was scared to death!). So I kept quiet and tried to learn everything I could about her without her knowing, that way I could dazzle her at the right time and she'd be mine forever. I'd lie awake at night and the ticking of my clock meted out her name: a-me a-me a-me. I had the perfect plan. I'd ride my bike past her house until she saw me. At first I'd play all distant, like I didn't see her, then I'd start up a distracted conversation and her heart would melt for me. Then she'd chase me and we'd be together forever.

So I looked in the phone book, and there were only a couple houses with her last name that I figured she could have lived in. One was a person named Delose who lived on "Pleasant View Rd." Pleasant View, I'm sure. Rode past all summer, no luck. All fall, no luck. I did see her once while I was riding, though (not at the house - more on that later). It was right after school and she jumped out in the road and waved her arms at me. I kept riding. So much for my great plans (for those who don't already know, don't play distant. Life's too short. You blow it once you blow it forever, and life's too long to carry regrets!).

I thought my chances were great on the last day of fifth grade when my friend Joe chased her with a snake and I got to play the good guy. "C'mon, leave her alone!" However, I never saw her again, and still have never said a word directly to her. She moved at the end of fifth grade (snake trauma related?), but I was to carry on the crush for another year.

Actually, I did see her once more (here's the first punchline of the story). I was riding my bike after the end of eighth grade to see my new girlfriend (the first real one, meaning first foolin' 'round). I saw a girl walking across a parking lot with Amy's last name on the back of her pullover. She looked at me and it was her. God giving me one more chance? God teasing me? I'll never know. You can bet on lonely nights through my teens and 20s I wondered if I ruined my life at the tender age of 10. That was truly the last time I saw her.

The second, and funnier, punchline: Remember Delose? The house on Pleasant View? Saw an obit in the paper later. He had died at age 86. Yep, I spent the summer of 1982 stalking a geriatric WWI vet!
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 21:15, Reply)

Now true love, that's hard to find!
Took me 34 frickin' years before I found "The One". She is definitely worth the wait! (Just wish that I had met her many years ago.) Tolerates my little eccentricities -ie my fondess for a drink (or four) and general weirdness.

I'd use her shit for toothpaste.

'nuff said.

Legless -write your damn memoirs!
(CdrVimes, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 20:35, Reply)

I was about 7 and had a crush on a guy who went to the same drama class as me.

He was called Robin.

Pity is my name is Marion.
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 20:30, Reply)

My first love was a girl called Karen
We spent 2 hours snogging in a packing crate listening to Whitesnake's 'Here I Go Again'. Magic..........then she moved away and I never saw her again.
(charliesays, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 19:52, Reply)

Right I've had enough of all these whiney emo cunts posting stories about some teen angst bollocks that no-one else could give a flying shite about, so here's my happy story
We met when we were 16, it was at this local club place with shit £6 bottles of piss and even shitter music, but it was the only place for miles around so everyone in the locality ventured there on a weekend.

This weekend I happened to be out, I had had one too many drinks and saw a ladyfreind of mine with very attractive freind.

Cue me doing that pissed up half walking half dancing swagger up to them loaded with vodka and thus feeling more confident (if slightly less coherent) by the second.

I get closer, they havent run away yet,mmmm things are going well I think to myself, I walk up and deliver my killer opening line..
"hello I havn.."
I'm cut short by the fact Ive just tripped over my own legs and fallen onto both of them, I make light of the situation talk to my freind for a bit then fuck off before I do something else stupid seeing as I'm not getting any more sober.

Well imagine my surprise when said friend walks up to me the next day a school and says her sexy mate would like to get my number!
I'll spare you the next 7 years but to cut a very long story just long, we're still together, she is more beautiful than ever and thanks to her I might be getting a PHD at Oxford university and we've never been happier

In your face miserable emo twats
(Absynth&Cheese Have you tasted my Jesus, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 19:32, Reply)

oh, allow me to out-nerd you.
first love; elementary school. It didn't go anywhere past his friends laughing at me, but I committed the ultimate nerdery and named a roleplaying character after him.

No, seriously. I still play the character too.
(megomobile, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 19:26, Reply)

4 first loves of increasing magnitude
1) Jet from the gladiators

2)I met my next first love at the age of 4/5. St Jospehs primary school at handsworth, a girl called Alice. I once dived over the table in reception and ripped my mates maths book cos he stole my seat next to her. I even shunned the first girl in our class to get breasts for her. We stayed freinds through secondary school but it never amounted to much.

Que first love 3) I met a girl called becky on a family camp for our scout groups (she was a cubs older sister) After about 3 or 4 weeks we were on a coach coming back from alton towers we were snuggled up on the back seat with her coat over her lap. It was at this point that i first came to know that "fishy fingers" wasn't just something ur nan cooked for ur tea on thursdays. About 2 weeks later I had decided that I must be in love with her and went and told her. (being the young, nieve, 15 year old virgin with a hard on that i was i thought it wud be the best way for me to finally get my end away) She dumped me the day after :(

and finlly first love number 4) I met a girl at around june time last year and we really hit it off and i ended up snogging her at a party. when i eventually had to go she spent the rest of the night crying cos she'd just cheated on her bf of 6 months. We stay freinds but nothing much ever happens. Que 6 months later she accidentaly send a message to me which was meant for her best mate goin on about how she's thinking of ending it with bf who she's been with for nearly a year now.... que shoulder to cry on!!! We ended up sleeping together and she still remains the best shag of my life. After a couple of weeks at this she diceded to finally end it with her bf on their year anniversary. She didnt want to go straigh back into another relationship so we spent the next 3 months as fuck buddies until eventually in may she aggreed to go out with me. Come the end of the summer we went to Filey for a weekend together (non-stop-party-town!!!) On the second night we'd been stood on the sea front just holding each other looking at the stars and the waves and shit, then we went up to the room and just laid in bed together at which point i finally plucked up the courage to tell her just how in love with her i was. It ended 2 weeks later and we hardly speak any more.* It still hurts and depresses me just how much i managed to fuck things up with her.


*Sleeping with 2 of her mates a couple of weeks after we broke up probably didnt help the situation

Apologies
(Duff_the_Funky_Chicken, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 19:19, Reply)

twins
my first love was...two loves (when i was about 7 or 8). they were identical armenian twins name mark and lance. they both followed me around constantly and my first kiss was both of them kissing either cheek at the same time. it was sweet. they moved away and recently came back and now they are sexy bitches! i wish id kept one!
(TehLala, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 19:13, Reply)

Ah... Phillipa
God... I don't even know why I was "In love with her". Basically through the age of 11 till 15 I used to be obsessed with her, until one day I actually told her I liked her. That's all I told her, never remembered to ask her out or stop scratching my nose (I do it when I'm nervous). Yeah so she said "Oh Really?", turned red (not the good kind of blush either, more like a "Oh my god.. this is a shit situation") and walked off.
I still to this day don't even know why I liked her, she's a filthy smoking chav now anyway. Amazing what smoke does to your body, she has eyebags the size of Johnny Vegas (who I also hate).
( Flowers the little boy that santa claus forgot, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 18:59, Reply)

In The Bushes
This was possibly one of my most foolish man-related episodes but possibly set the standard for my future love-life so far...
There was a guy in my class called Kevin Knight (pseudonym!). He was fat, ugly and generally a bit stupid - but he was pliable (!) and would hold my hand secretly under the table in class. As I was disturbingly sexually precocious for a 7 year old (I think this was the result of watching too many James Bond films), I co-ersed him into kissing me and we used to bugger off into the nature reserve at lunchtimes for "heavy snogging" (as we used to call it). Owing to my predatory sexual nature, this soon progressed into the "I'll touch yours if you touch mine" game. I'm not sure if I loved him but it felt quite nice :D
Sadly we were caught and reported to our classteacher. EEEK!
We were shamed and made an example of in front of the whole school about what happens when lust corrupts pure, young minds. Not a particularly nice thing when your mum is the chair of governors and your dad's the local policeman & it's a poncy Church school. I was never allowed to forget this and upon leaving school, my best friend of 18 years wrote "KEVIN KNIGHT IN THE BUSHES!!!!!" on the back of my shirt. Oh the ignominy...Is it any wonder why people tell me I'm like Samantha from SATC??? Hmmm.

Apols for length!
(SpongyMonkey is an honorary East Anglian on, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 18:55, Reply)

Remington Youth Club, 1995...
She was called Sarah. I thought she said I kissed like Batman:

"No, you kiss like Pacman".

It was shortlived.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 18:45, Reply)

Lovely Girl
Her name was Ellie, and we loved eachother even though we were only 6, too embarrassed to speak to eachother at school, and our courting amounted to a few games of skirtchase (like kisschase except the boys would pull up the girl's skirts when they caught them). I was mortified when her parents pulled her from my school to send her to some posh private place.

I forgot about her for years until I bumped into at a conference about 2 years back. My Princess had grown up into an Ugly Duckling.

A lucky escape.
(Waddo, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 18:43, Reply)

Primary School
Most of what occured at my first primary school is lost in the mists of my memory, but I do have some stories from it, some of which are very funny but will have to wait for an appropriate question.

This one relates to my first 'girlfriend', aged probably about 6, although I'm not entirely sure. I'm pretty sure she was called Melissa, and had dark hair, though beyond that I'm fairly hazy on details.

I barely ever spoke to her, but one day I decided that she was my girlfriend, possibly after my friends had convinced me that not having a girlfriend made you a total loser. I did not consult her on the matter, but did at least have the courtesy to inform her of this fact. That, I thought, was the end of it, I went back to playing Star Wars with my friends and she carried on doing whatever it is 6 year old girls do.

Some days later, she came up to me and told me that I was very nice, but her mum says that I just wasn't her type. How her mother knew what her type was, her being six and probably relatively inexperienced in the game of love that so many people are slaved to, and also having never met me, eludes me. But I didn't really mind. Star Wars was infinitely more fun.

As you may have gathered, I was a rather odd child.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 18:39, Reply)

Ten at a time
When i was five, i had ten girlfriends. Trouble was, they all had ten boyfriends. Our primary school became very inbred.
(Barbara, they're stealing our towels!, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 18:07, Reply)

Fasten your seatbelts - this is a long one!
When I was 14, I was a skipping happy lad whose years numbered twice of seven - my ever-bright constitution was continuously boosted by my parents' split-up and eventual divorce¹, my mother's feminist brainwashing², and schoolmates who constantly drilled into me the notion that I was an ugly thick pauper and that my mum gave birth to me into a bucket when she was 55.³

(Sounds like a recipe for disaster, doesn't it? Plough on, dear reader, and find out why 'twas not so....)

The saviour of my sanity came from the unlikeliest of places - school. I'll call her Emma for the usual reason. Ye gods, I can still remember her now (no mean feat, given how scant my long-term memory is at the best of times) - she was about 5'10", had golden-brown hair down to her shoulders, was slim and satisfyingly shapely, and had the most stunningly gorgeous dark brown eyes I have seen for many moons. I fell in love with her! (Name me one red-blooded lad who wouldn't in the circumstances....)

Unfortunately, there were some considerable problems hindering any progress I might have made. The first was my disposition - shut-in and nervous, I could barely have talked to her, never mind anything else! (It would be a little different now... ;-) The second, more serious problem was that she was in fact a teacher.⁴ A geography teacher. The one who didn't teach me. Bugger! But if nothing else, her presence instilled in me a preference for slightly older and more sophisticated women (by one or two years nowadays rather than ten!) and a strong attraction to dark brown feminine eyes....⁶

(Also of negligible interest is the story of Mel, a beautiful dark-eyed girl I worked with a few years later who had a crush on me; a nice change from usual, but I still fucked up. Go me. For that reason it is not one I want to recall, and besides this post is quite long enough as it is without yet more of my nostalgic burblings clogging it up.)

Well, that was the earliest crush/love I could remember. If there were any before then, they were obviously not memorable. Either that or my memory is very bad. If it's the latter, then writing my autobiography is going to be a tough job.



No apologies for the footnotes, you loves 'em!

¹ It took nearly ten years.
² When you're scared to even talk to girls for fear of commiting an unknown offence against them and getting struck down by some sort of divine retribution, you are brainwashed.
³ Kids, eh? Maybe they were joking, but the joke wore very thin over five years. I'd bet my life savings that whoever said schooldays are the best of your life was some kiddy-fiddling 40-year-old cunt working for the local council... except that I have no life savings and wouldn't waste them on a bet like this if I had them.
⁴ Surprised you there, didn't I?
⁶ She voluntarily left my school and the teaching profession after two years, most likely driven to desperation by the pupils' behaviour. Whenever I see those adverts on TV encouraging people to take up teaching, I think of what happened to her - and laugh cynically. This does get me some odd looks from my housemates, though....
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 18:06, Reply)

At primary school we so became adept at gauging the relative
acceleration of attractive/unattractive girls during the game of 'catch and kiss' that we tailored our runs to enable us to be caught by the fit ones and go fast enough to outrun the mingers. My particular favourite used to come back to mine after school and we'd enjoy a possibly inappropriate (i was 9, she 8) quasi-sexual romp 'like on dynasty' until it was time for my mum to arrive home from work, at which time my amour would scoot over the back fence and i'd blame my dishevelled appearance on either a 'fight' or a 'race'. Fast forward 20 years to the wedding of a mutual friend. My first love is about to leave the hotel where we've all got rooms. She sees me and wanders over smiling affectionately. We embrace and I whisper sweet nothings into her ear, at which point my memory goes blank. The next afternoon during the customary debrief with the groom he mentioned my performance as he was stood next to me at the time. The conversation went as follows:
him; well that was a masterstroke
me; what?
him; when (X) came over to give you a hug, you suggested to her that instead of going home she should come back to your room where you could recreate those stolen moments by shagging each other senseless. She broke off from hugging you long enough to give you a hard slap and a glare that would dissolve glass. Her dad, who was stood right behind you, wasn't too impressed either. Neither was her brother who plays rugby for wigan and had come along with a few of his teammates. No-one saw you for the rest of the evening...
(liberace's boudoir, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 17:43, Reply)