All the Bond movies with nekkid dancing girlies!!!
We were transfixed by these and they were the talk of all the lads at school, including one who always swore blind 'I could see her fanny!'.

Aaaah, nostalgia. RedTube anyone?
( NooShmoo It's a fantazmagorical pile of ultra bollocks, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 15:29, Reply)

My dad
He wasnt the first rude thing I ever saw but he dad have a fantastic collection of European bongological education videos. An entire antler hardcase's worth. I was probably about 8 or 9 when I was searching for hidden christmas presents and found this suitcase which, obviously, must contain my presents. So me and Che, my half caste friend opened the case and were most put out to find nothing but VHS tapes, they didnt even have labels on them for god sake. Anyway we worked are way through them hoping to find transformers the movie, or a new nightmare on elm street but all we saw were naked people trying to climb over each other repeatedly. This was of no use to use so the case was returned where it remained until I was 12/13 and at high school. Suddenly I was Hugh Hefner with my suitcase of porn and two video recorders. I made a killing at a fiver a time for what seemed like every male in the school. And from that small acorn grew the sexually perverted deviant that is typing this now.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 15:21, 17 replies)

A piano leg

(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 15:18, Reply)

I remember NOT seeing the love scene from Terminator,
as my dad had thoughtfully blanked that portion of the tape. Murder and destruction were fine, but two people performing an act of love would clearly have stunted my emotional development.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 15:13, 12 replies)

Christ, I have absolutely no idea.
I went from being such a sheltered child that anything of that variety would have passed completely over my head and not registered as 'rude', to in more recent years being saturated in so much filth of every variety that it's all become a blur.

(I imagine that, like everyone else here, the very first rude thing I ever saw would have been a more intimate and detailed view of my mother's ladybits than any other human being on the planet would ever have, but thankfully I wasn't actually sentient back then, and time and the merciful gods of childhood neural development have conspired to render the memory nonexistent.)

I guess the transitional period between angelic naivety and jizz-sodden debauchery would have come around the time I first read Complicity, so I'm arbitrarily going to declare the bondage scenes in that the First Rude Thing I Ever Saw. Also, quite possibly, The Mental Images I've Jacked Off To Most Often Since Then.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 15:03, 10 replies)

The Benny Hill Show
used to get me slapping the bald man's head.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 14:58, 4 replies)

We used to have an old IBM with no hard drive,
boot disks and all that lark. Well one of my friends went and got a rare copy of leisure suit larry in the land of the lounge lizards and numerous copies were made. We were all young enough to understand type "call taxi", "talk to barman" and the very popular "flush toilet".

But of course we were all too young to understand the sleazier underbelly of the game. That is until I decided to read out to my parents the jokes from leftys bar, while their friends sat in the room all over for a nice sunday lunch.(http://www.adamhearn.co.uk/games/lsl/larry1ega/jokes.php-nsfw)

I couldn't understand why, as I read out what I assumed were brilliant jokes, all the adults faces went from shock, to horror and settled at disgust.

The fallout from my comedy fail resulted in all but one of my friends copy of the game also being confiscated and destroyed. Realizing we had some thing that we shouldn't we worked ever harder to finish the game and were rewarded with pixelated censored sex and the conclusion that sex with women gives you aids and you have to kill yourself.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 14:56, 5 replies)

Actually,
I think, rather depressingly with the benefit of hindsight, but it was more innocent times pre-internet, the first thing I ever saw that I somehow thought of as rude would have been the opening credits of Tales Of The Unexpected.

Which I just found on youtube and am dissapointed to note that they haven't caused a flicker...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oc46Gk-6qrA
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 14:30, 1 reply)

Postcards From Devon
Once whilst visiting my grandparents in Plymouth, my parents took me to the seafront down by the Hoe. Pfft.

There was a covered shopping area type thingy kiosk that sold rude postcards. They were colour cartoons of women with pendulous norks doing an array of rude things to moustachioed men.

I understood the ones where they were just fucking but I couldn’t work out the oral ones so I asked my parents why the man was doing a wee in the ladies mouth. They didn’t know. Nor did my grandparents.
Even the man who ran the kiosk didn’t know, he was clearly embarrassed by his lack of knowledge too.
( Dervel OTBC, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 14:23, Reply)

The Discovery...
Oh so many all around the same time…

Anyone remember ‘Wicked Willy’… My dad a book under his bed – always read it when they went out….
loved the pictures – never got the jokes.

But…

There was an alleyway near our house and the kids used to collect conkers from there every autumn. It was only round the corner from our house. We’d always be found down there - it was great until….The Discovery happened. Not 1, not 2 , not 10 – but a bin liner full of ‘Johhny Vaughn’ mags. Not your old classics like Razzle or Escort. These had blokes in it as well - doing things to the protagonists. It was a haul of biblical proportions.
These were what you would call ‘Truckers Specials’ - hand selected by our Logistic Knights of the Road on their visits to the continent. Either someone had decided to have a good clear out of their lorry or someones’s wife had found it and told him to ‘get rid’.

I can still picture some of the images…If these were on the internet now – they’ come under the category of ‘Specialst’ or ‘Other’

IT didn’t last for long… there was a Turd in the Punchbowl. Someone had told one of the parents of this discovery and so they all met up in the street – and took action. They got one of those garden furnaces (a metal bin with holes in it) and opted to burn them.

One thing I remember was that it was the Mums that went and located the haul and dragged it back to its firery grave not the Dads…Like they all knew that had the Dads taken control of the situation – the bin liner would have come back a lot lighter than it should have been…

I can’t help but think that these were being stored for someone else – only put there the previous night, until a safehouse could be found – he might have paid a handsome sum too… .

From that days onwards (my childhood), I never walked past a bin liner or plastic bag without kicking it open with my feet – and it payed on several occasions.
(Pat mustard, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 14:14, 3 replies)

I expect the juxtaposition of childhood and sexuality inherent in this weeks question is going to drive the /talkers into a foaming frenzy.

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 14:14, 9 replies)

Lovely Jubblies
1st time I became aware that I liked ladies and especially their bosoms was seeing Julia Breck's massive norks probably watching Spike Milligans Q series, or Monty Python (also Carol Cleevland)
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 14:13, 2 replies)

The encyclopaedia of sexual love.
Or some other such pseudo reference book type title.

I remember it was a hefty tome, a tan coloured hardback with acres of dull text interlaced with the occasional fuzzy photo of 70s era hairy couples in non-graphic positions and a few biology type diagrams. I do recall a chapter on fantasy talking of how normal it was for women to cream themselves over the thought of being raped. (I never encountered that fetish again until the advent of the internet) it stuck in my mind because of the title picture, a staged 'rape' on moorland which seemed to be (this was mid 80s) a perfume advert crossed with a Peter Sutcliffe reconstruction.

I later found out that the book had been purchased to provide answers to the multitude of awkward questions from my elder brother which my (single) mother wished to avoid. It was therefore not intended for the innocent eyes and curious mind of 5 year old me.

It did however afford me the understanding required for the truly life-changing discovery of a VHS grot flick. "Inside Marylin" but that's another story.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 14:13, Reply)

Back in 1813
I saw a young ladies bare ankle.
( Dervel OTBC, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 14:10, 7 replies)

It's not even that rude.
In fact, it doesn't even need the word 'that' in the sentence, it's just not rude.

But there was an image that seared itself onto my young brain with such force that it created a direct link to my groin that to this day is still functioning. It's the sexiest movie scene of all time and I can picture it now as clear as the day I first saw it. It's not The Postman Always Rings Twice. It's not Don't Look Now, It's not Ursula Andress walking out of the sea in Dr No or Bo Derek walking along the beach in 10. Nope, it's not the start of Betty Blue or Kelly Le Brock being bought to life at the start of Weird Science. Nope, the first thing I can remember that caused me to become vividly and uncomfortably aware of what my penis is for is from The Man With Two Brains.


Yes, I became a man the moment Kathleen Turner pressed the button on her hospital bed, raised herself up and shoved her tongue down Steve Martin's throat.



(also, a year later, when Michael Douglas landed face down between her thighs in Romancing The Stone...well...christ, you don't want to know what that did for me).
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 14:04, 1 reply)

Kay's catalogue...
... ladies' underwear section.

Surely this is everyone's?

Oh, and if it is and you ever strayed into the teenage girl's underwear section, the brunette with the remarkably big boobs for her age is now my wife. She has remarkable big boobs for any age, these days.
(ScousersPet, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 13:49, 23 replies)

Walking in on my sister sitting on her boyfriend's face really wasn't a great moment in my life.
"I SAID 'WHAT?', VAGABOND, NOT 'COME IN'!" she screamed at me.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 13:35, 10 replies)

Naughty joke
Probably one of the first times that I ever thought about sex. I mean, I probably thought about it before, but not in the clinical, factual manner that I realised after hearing the following phrase/joke:

"If you smoke after sex, you probably did it too fast..."

I never really got that joke, but when I did, a whole new world opened up to me: I realised that sex involved copulation and physical movements. With a girl.

I must have been 12 or 13 or so.
(Bassie999, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 13:34, 4 replies)

Obviously


Your mum
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 13:33, Reply)

When I was a wee lad I had two older friends who were girlfriend and boyfriend
I told them that I didn't believe they really had sex with each other. One day they asked me to make a cup of tea. When I bought the tea back they were fucking in the living room. I was still super naive and said I don't believe you're really having sex, he turned her around to show me quite clearly that not only was he penetrating her but she was also on her period. Remains one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life.
( Peej, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 13:32, 20 replies)

Dear Dr Freud...
Shameless that I am, I still find myself disturbed by this confession:

The first time I was ever taken to a public swimming pool, my head was turned by a tall, leggy yummy mummy strutting past wearing nothing but a tiny, yellow bikini, wobbly bits wobbling away like nobody's business. The rudeness of this sight was seared directly onto my brain, and after all these years I can see her even now. She's probably in her 60s these days, and gravity being such this it is, they hang somewhere round her ankles.

I decided there and then that I must own one of these yummy mummies. A plan was hatched to capture as many as three, tie them up and hide them behind the bins on our housing estate, where I could strut up and down and inspect my prizes. I even went through a trial run of the kidnap operation, in which I would swoop down a steep hill on my tricycle, sweep up my victim and take her - tied and gagged - to my cunning hiding place where they would be forced to wear a yellow bikini.

I was five years old.

I think I'm over that stage now. Honest.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 13:27, Reply)

It was probably the photo of my first step-father, (not current step-father), naked and getting a blow job of a woman who wasn't my mother.
Found it in his bedside drawer. He also looked like a seventies porn star. This was in the seventies though so most men looked liked seventies porn stars.
( girlinthehole, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 13:23, 2 replies)

Your MUM....
lulzroflharharlol and stuff.

Such the comedian.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 13:21, 1 reply)

Porno mag
In my day, porn was sensibly acquired from a bush - usually sodden, torn and probably used.

The first glimpse of naughtiness was at a young age, probably around ten years old. My friend Neil had found this very rude magazine whilst walking to school and after a quick debate before class, it was agreed we would study it at dinner time.

We knew it was a porno, we had heard about these things before - but our first glimpse of this world was not what we expected.
For one thing we thought sex involved a guy and a girl, not TWO guys and a girl. And we couldn't figure out why they were 'peeing' on her too.

We would have studied it further, but Neil got mugged on the way home from school and some older kids nicked it off him.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 13:18, Reply)

my uncle's winky.
it went all stiff. i didn't like it.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 13:16, 13 replies)

Max Miller

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 13:15, 2 replies)

Ladies and Gentlemen...
... I give you The Ronnie Barker Book of Bathing Beauties

Oh, and pages 213-243 of the Great Universal catalogue.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 13:12, 6 replies)

First?
Shelly Davis' fanny. Cost me five pee, even though she was MY girlfriend.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 13:11, Reply)