SHAFT ! ! !

A few years back I had the misfortune to go to the Roskilde music festival in Denmark.

I say misfortune because my idea of a fun time isn't sitting in my own shit and vomit for four days surrounded by crusty new age peeps with an eversion to personal hygiene. (I mean, some of the women had larger packages than me, what with the years and years of pubic growth they had going on down in their nether regions).

But, Danes are pretty cool people - they like beer and shagging, so it wasn't that bad in retrospect - just as long as you don't mind pulling pubes out of your teeth for a month afterwards.

In a downtime and having consumed far too much of the local tipple, Tuborg, my merry troop found a disco type tent where there wasn't any fucking music, just a load of sweaty teenagers gyrating to buggery. I had to check my ears - for a moment I thought I had gone deaf and almost pissed myself with fear.

Then I noticed the headphones.

Every fucker in the tent was wearing headphones...

Turns out its one of those quiet disco things, where they give you a set of cans as you go in and you can pump the music up as loud as you want. Everyones listening to the same stuff so you can all have a bit of a dance, only your not pissing off the stoners scattered about outside discussing who was better, George or Bungle, or fuck knows what.

There was a phase a few years back when a room full of sweaty teenage girls was the sort of place I'd kill my own mother to get into.

So, we sauntered inside, picked up some headphones, and started getting into it.

Slipknot was playing, apparently. Fine by me. I say apparently because my cans were fucked. I tried fiddling with them for a bit but realised this was gonna make me look like a twat and limit my chances of getting some fine Danish lurving...

So I thought: Fuck it. And I started throwing some shapes and generally following what everyone else was doing.

If they were jumping up and down alot, I'd do likewise.

If they slowed it down a bit, so would I.

It was great fun. It really was.

I started drawing the attention of a young Danish lady (my dance style is pretty fucking spectacular, if I do say so myself - they say people dance like they shag, so in my case its very fast, with lots of enthusiasm, and usually while smoking). And I think the Danish lady was rather taken with me.

We start dancing.

I'm doing everything I can to impress her: Throwing my arms and legs about and head banging, as if to say: Hey, if I've got this much energy on the dancefloor just think how much I'd have back at your tent.

It was at round this time I took a sneaky look toward her crotch - no bulging pubic mound! Ree-sult!!! This girl was a) into me, and b) had a well maintained bush. Though to be honest with you the fact she had a pulse was probably enough for me - I HAD drunk an awful lot of beer and the goggles were well and truly strapped to my face.

And all the time I couldn't hear a fucking thing.

This went on for a while and I completely lost myself in the 'music'. It may have been the effect of the beer, but I reckon I looked like one cool mother fucker out there.

I was so into the moment and this girl that I closed my eyes and let the rythm of the imaginary music take me. I was pumping away to the made-up beat and showing this girl that I was the alpha male of the establishment.

...or so I thought.

I'm not too sure how long I was dancing away like this, grunting like a gorilla and generally being a big drunken sweaty man...

Anyway, when I opened my eyes again the only person left in the tent was the poor fucker playing the records.

Everyone else had fucked off.

He told me that he'd stopped playing the music five minutes ago and was wondering how long I'd keep it up.

Even my so called mates had fucked off, the bastards.

I remember slurring something to the fella like: 'Well, mate. In Britain we just keep going until we want to stop, not when the music does.'

And I stumbled drunkenly away, thinking I was some cool white Shaft character.

Looking back I realise I just looked like a shaft.

What a fucking idiot I am.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 10:11, 8 replies)

*applause and clickage*
I have to say I'm really, really impressed with the way folks have dredged up these ghastly tales for the entertainment of others - I fear I've buried most of mine so deep I can't even access them any more, my mind won't let me.

Fuck me, that's a hilarious tale, well told.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 10:18, closed)

Likewise
Isn't repression wonderful? What I'm working on now is repressing the knowledge that I might have repressed anything before...
(annexed, Wed 21 Jan 2009, 13:01, closed)

that is fucking brilliant
however, I've been to Roskilde a couple of times, and aside from the European penchant for pissing wherever they please, I found the festival to be cleaner, friendlier and more well organised than any in this country.

Admittedly I was off my face the whole time....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 10:20, closed)

Did you see
the naked race? I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. All those lovely lithe Danish girls (there were some blokes too but its amazing how my brain can filter that shit out), legging it round the place. Ahhh, that was nice. I know these Danes are liberal, but I think they drew the line at having some British fella having a wank whilst watching....
( SpankyHanky, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 10:23, closed)

I didn't see that :-(
think I was there in 2001 and 2002 and they may not have had them. also, it's a big festival!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 10:52, closed)

I ve worked on a few of these
and you're not the first , at least you had headphones on , some twunts just dance about
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 14:52, closed)

Excellent story
You seem a lot like me, but despite this I'll *click* :)
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 21 Jan 2009, 3:35, closed)

Double cringe but good recovery!
Best tale i've read on here in ages! Nice one dude.
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Wed 21 Jan 2009, 12:52, closed)