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Tell us / show us / send us the best thing you've ever cooked or had cooked for you. Even if it is a £10 burger.

Or knock yourself out and tell us knock-knock jokes. Just make them funny and about sheds

(, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 12:29)
Pages: Popular, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

i made a cake


and was rightly proud of it too
(, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 15:00, 15 replies)
This was the first cake I ever baked... and the best
It was for my son's 3rd birthday and was chocolate and banana sponge inside :)


(, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 13:06, 5 replies)
Another cake wot I made
Me and the mrs do cakes:



We call this one FishCake. Arf.

I'll post more in the replies... Let me know if you'd like to see even more!
(, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 10:19, 11 replies)
Started as a joke


However, it began to look quite good after a while, so I made one.


(, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 0:17, 9 replies)
A few years back, especially for B3ta, I made a meatenburg cake.


(, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 13:47, 19 replies)
No up to kaptinkurtz's standard
But I made this for my daughter's birthday:


(Just the cake, not the plastic zebra)
(, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 16:10, Reply)
Had some batter left over from deep-frying some Haddock.
I present to you.... the delicacy that is the Deep Fried Battered Greggs Sausage Roll!



(, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 10:36, 36 replies)
The continuation of Airman Gabber's Artery clogging experiments... The KFC Doubledown.
Before going to America in 2011 I'd heard of the legendary KFC 'Bunless Burger' where they use chicken instead of bread. After searching through Las Vegas & Orlando to no avail we finally went into a KFC in New York and asked where we could get a double-down. "Oh you can get them at all KFC's. We just don't advertise it for health reasons."

"We'll take 2!"

So this is how it looks in the Advert.



This is how it was presented to us. Although visually it was a disappointment when tasted was as good as anticipated, if not better. If we'd not been on the last day of our holiday we'd have gone back for another one



Some Months later I had a drunken pop at recreating it. Not having access to the Colonels (ahem) special sauce I had to improvise.

Behold!



I punched my arteries in the tits when I ate this baby.

They have now gone on to make the Doubledown Zinger burger so a repeat journey across the atlantic is a must. Bastards still don't serve them in the UK though.
(, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 11:37, 19 replies)
There was a man called Greg
Who went to work on an egg
When he hit a speed bump
The egg shot up his rump
And then lodged inside his rectum where the warmth caused it to hatch into a chick that then pecked it's way out of his colon causing blood to pour out of his bumhole and run all down his leg.
(, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 21:30, 2 replies)
Crisp sarnie
Salt and vinegar or Walkers pickled onion.

Only a cunt wouldn't!
(, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 22:07, 5 replies)
Weird American Foods
So I've been living in Florida for 7 years today! In that time I've faced all kinds of hatred for being a dirty forrunner, which could be due to all the red coat jokes I keep making.

Any way, a large portion (no pun intended) of the downright hatred* I've faced has been due to the rather poor reputation British food has. Personally I see nothing wrong with fish pie, beans on toast, lamb, hot dog sausages with scrambled eggs for breakfast, ketchup on French toast, the near-IV of tea I consume or the myriad of other things Americans find so grotesque.

So, in retaliation, here's a short list of American foods which really proves they shouldn't be allowed to sneer at Blighty grub:

The Monte Cristo Sandwich
Most commonly it's sliced ham, turkey and swiss and American cheese. Not too bad? It's sandwiched between French toast, fried, topped with icing sugar and served with jam. And chips.

Chocolate chip pancake-covered sausage. On a stick.
Enough said.

KFC's Double-Downs
Previously mentioned, not really that bad as far as flavours go, but just morally wrong.

Corn dogs
Mini hot dogs fried in corn bread batter. On a stick.

Grits
Kind of like porridge but made from corn meal, grits are like a weird gelatinous grey matter which contain no flavour whatsoever. I've tried many ways of eating these (they come as a free side in a lot of breakfast places and I always forget to tell them not to bother) - some people like them sweet, some people like them savory and mix in butter and/or salt and pepper, one girl cut her bacon and eggs into little pieces then poured the grits over it. I like mine in the bin. I'm assuming the gloopiness of grits is the only reason they're not served on a stick.

That said, I am shocked England and Saudi beat America to hot dog stuffed crust and burger-docking-station-crust pizzas.



*Might be more playful banter than downright hatred (in fact I've been nothing but welcomed by the vast majority :) )
(, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 23:36, 16 replies)
There was a young lady from Hyde,
who ate twenty green apples and died.
While her lover lamented,
the apples fermented,
and made cider inside 'er insides.
(, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 19:56, 1 reply)
I had some German Sausage once.
But the inevitable punchline is the Wurst you've ever heard.
(, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 17:51, 2 replies)
It was back in 2009
It was in 2009.

Two friends (former now as we fell out in Belgium) decided to travel across the world. I had to go back for a motorbike repair and we split up and only saw each other in Istanbul.

After some troubles (read muggings and beatings) in Azerbaijan, I turned back and went north. It took me a month to arrive in Mongolia.

My morale had dropped through the floor after riding the road from hell, knee deep mud dropping my motorbike every 20 metres for nearly 200 miles. Suffered lot of small niggling injuries and was wet all the time with the runs and puking and a trillion mosquitoes for company.

I arrived in Ulan Baator and it was raining like crazy with the streets flooding...

Threw everything into the tent and found a local guy and hobbled to his tent. I didn't speak Mongolian but offered him 50,000 (about £15 at the time) just to stay in his warm Ger... £15 was 3 months salary. He bogged off on his horse..... I fell asleep and was woken an hour or so later.

Outside were a large number of blokes and a goat tied to a pole outside. I watched them dispatch the goat, cutting a hole in its chest and squeezing its heart. They stared to blow torch the hair off its body and roast it..... lots of alcoholic horse milk and goat and it tasted just divine after weeks of Russian eggs and bread....



I had a similar experience when I arrived in S Korea, having ridden from Ulan Ude to Vladivostok where I literally starved for days I had run out of Russian money and a bank which starts with B had blocked my card all money was devoted to petrol. Got on the ferry after not eating for 5 days landed a day later in Sokcho and finally got some money out....

All I had was a simple ramen dish with egg and veggies. But the taste after being starved for a week was heavenly....
(, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 14:54, 5 replies)
I made this.

(, Sun 30 Jun 2013, 9:13, 16 replies)
If I wanted to look at pictures of someone else's lunch I'd go on Instagram.

(, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 14:48, 4 replies)


(, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 13:27, 6 replies)
Airman Gabber's heart clogging food recreation adventure Part 4
Knowing my passion for recreating unhealthy American foods back over here in Blighty one birthday Mrs Airman Gabber managed to source the materials to recreate a small part of the Hooters Experience back home.
If you've not had the pleasure of visiting this chain of diners it's essentially a chicken wing and seafood shack hosted by young attractive girls in orange hot pants. They are encouraged to skate around (hot food and rollerblades - what could possibly go wrong?) looking lovely and also encouraged to flirt with the (mostly) male clientele to keep them eating and drinking.

Before cooking which basically involves taking the wing-tips off with scissors, coating in the breading and throwing in a deep fat fryer until 90% of the oil has been soaked up by the chicken then covering with the (in this case hottest) sauce they sell.



Coated in 3 different types of Wing Sauce. All ready to stuff into our faces.


I have to go lie down now. My heart feels a bit twitchy.
(, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 10:01, 30 replies)
Part 3 of Airman Gabber's Quest to block his arteries with home cooking..
After enjoying a pulled pork sandwich in Las Vegas it was my quest to recreate the delicacy. As you don't seem to be able to buy pulled pork in many places back in Blighty I was going to have to start with raw bits of an animal.

After rubbing the shoulder of dead pig in a selection of spices it's a case of bunging it into the oven for what seems like 300 years but was in actuality only 5 or 6.

What you end up with is a rather succulent and greasy offering like so:



After pulling it apart using a couple of forks like you would do with a crispy duck and mixing it with plenty of high calorie sugary BBQ sauce this is the sort of thing you end up with. Absolutely gorgeous but with the length of cooking it probably cost £10 in electricity on top of the cost of the meat. Might try it in a slow cooker next time.


(, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 14:27, 23 replies)
Pigge ffarced
Take rawe egges, and drawe hem thorgh a streynour, And then grate faire brede; And take saffron, salt, pouder ginger, And suet of Shepe, And do medle al togidre into a faire vessell, and put hit in the pigge wombe Whan he is on the brocche, And then sowe the hole togidre; or take a prik, and prik him togidur, And lete him roste.

Serv wyth potatoe chyppes and a grene ysalat, upon the couche whilst beholdynge Ystendres.
(, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 11:09, 4 replies)
Cheesy Vegemite Scrolls.
*For all you derprived pommie and Atlantic Cousin saddos - vegemite is the fucking God of Kings' fud.*

You'll kneed -
a sheet of frozen puff pastry.
About a tablespoon of vegemite.
Some cheese (a small handful of grated) - I suggest a strong, bitey cheddar mixed with some mozzarella to temper the ched.

You need too -
heat oven, line a tray with baking paper.
Wait until pasty is defrosted.
Smear vegemite over pastry covering all but a 10mm strip on 1 side.
Sprinkle cheese mix evenly over the top. Press down.
Roll pastry from the end opposite the unadulterated strip. Put some water on your finger and coat the strip. Roll quite tightly onto the pure, virginal strip.
Cut 12mm rounds using a santoku knife so it doesn't stick.
Place rounds cut side down onto the baking paper.
Bake in the oven for 10-15 min or until the pastry in brown or until the cheesy vegemite mix has bubbled up looking for all the world like your kid's meconium.
Turn off oven (shouldn't have to say this but... b3ta), remove tray from oven (tea towel or oven-mitt may alleviate burning here), allow scrolls to cool, if you can wait.
Munch happily.
EDIT: Any spelling/grammar mistakes are best fwded to shambo.
(, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 8:40, 46 replies)
Holiday breakfast
Lots of black pudding.

And bacon, eggs, sausages, fried bread, beans, plum tomatoes and a glass of Guinness.

Oh, and if I had them, I would be treating the bull seals and crabs a snack of fried troll bollocks if I had the opportunity :)
(, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 2:24, 2 replies)
pig heads
The housemate mentioned below once mentioned that pig's heads are thrown away at his slaughterhouse. I was disgusted by this waste of life and asked him to bring me home a head or two. There's a lot of meat on a head, and pig's cheeks are delicious - a delicacy in many countries. I also hate the idea of food being wasted.
He kept forgetting to bring any and eventually was about to move away from the area. Just before he left, he told me he had a present for me.
It was two bin bags full of pig heads, all cut in half.
The poor new lady was rather shocked to come home to find me in the kitchen furiously preparing, roasting and picking pig heads, which were basically all over the kitchen. I ended up with lots of roast pork in the freezer and a tub full of uncooked brains which I eventually found to be rather nice whisked into omelettes...
(, Sun 30 Jun 2013, 20:48, 7 replies)
The best chocolate cakes ever!
250g Soft Unsalted Butter
250g Best Quality Dark Chocolate (85% Cocoa)
330g Muscovado Sugar
4 Large Eggs
2/3rds Teaspoon Vanilla Extract
2/3rds Teaspoon Salt
150g Plain Flour
200g Chopped Hazelnuts (optional)
Turn the oven to 180 degrees (160 for a fan assisted oven)
Melt the butter and sugar together in a pan, when melted, put the muscovado sugar in and take it off the heat. Squish the lumps out of the sugar and pour into a mixing bowl.
Mix in the eggs, and the rest of the ingredients together adding the flour and nuts last, if you're not keen on mixing then just whisk the shit out of it.
Put the mixture into 24 cake cases and bake for 10 minutes, turn the baking trays round and then cook for a further 10 minutes.
They taste so damn good and it's very difficult to get them wrong...

Mmmmmm!

Edit:
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Ineedap.
(, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 22:27, 8 replies)
Shameless Pea
Last year I made a giant sized toffee crisp. It was delicious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVbHoxssSKM

It took me all weekend and I hand-painted the wrapper all by myself.
The lady I gave it to was very pleased. She used to eat a toffee crisp every day for lunch.
(, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 15:55, Reply)
Ken's Big Bite
A slice of Hovis Best of Both Invisible Crust (Thick)
A light smearing of Flora Pro-Activ Extra Light
Then on with the ham -
Tesco’s Finest Wholegrain Mustard Wiltshire Cured Ham
£2.97 for four slices
That’s 3 Clubcard points
Quality
Not like the “20 slices for £1.29” crap, which is mostly water, and has the texture and flavour of a mouse’s tongue
On top of the ham, some grated cheese. Davidstow mature cheddar or Cracker Barrel - something with a bit of bite
On top of that some thin slices of Sainsbury’s Flavouripe tomato - tricky, this - need a very sharp knife - careful - mind fingers - ah!
Cold tap on
Five minutes
Frantic, sweaty, but ultimately fruitful search for Elastoplast
There
Then some black pepper, from a pepper grinder purchased during a desperate excursion to IKEA, during which there was an argument with the wife, a cricked neck, a harrowing visit to the lavatory, confusion, fermenting ire, and intermittent thoughts of suicide
Then lettuce - not that tastless iceberg rubbish, but 2 leaves of Sainsbury’s Organic Little Gem Heart. Tasty. Mmm
Then the finishing touch: a blob of mayonnaise - Hellmans, of course
Only the best
Then on top of all that the the other slice of Hovis Best of Both Invisible Crust (Thick) again lightly smeared with Flora Pro-Activ Extra Light
Then press gently down - not too hard
And replace the slice of tomato that has fallen out
Onto a plate with it
Perfection
Anticipation
Salivary glands in operation…

And then, like a thief in the night,
Ken, with his teeth, took a bite.
(, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 21:31, 2 replies)
Best and worst
I was in Hong Kong with my other half about this time last year. Say what you like about that place, the food is fantastic. We had a soup starter followed by roast goose, followed by an entire (beautifully cooked) lobster with noodles and cheese sauce. For the equivalent of £10 a head.

Best meal I've ever had. And the worst.

Because we were with her semi-estranged father. A man she described with the phrase "Don't worry about him hating you. He will, but he hates everybody".

I defy anyone to enjoy a meal where they are obliged to share the table with a man who hates their guts, while trying to eat lobster - coated with the world's most slippery cheese sauce - with chopsticks in a posh Hong Kong restaurant, watched with barely disguised amusement by what felt like half the clientele.

At least her dad seemed to enjoy my misery.
(, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 20:35, 1 reply)
I used to be editor of a magazine in China
Much of our advertising was from the big hotels. One evening a hotel put on a "media appreciation night". Around thirty of us hacks were shepherded into a foyer, where on three tables carved ice sculptures were surrounded by pots of fois gras, slices of lemon, and shots of quality vodkas; hot waitresses perambulated, offering glasses of champagne. After maybe half an hour of this we were led into the main dining room, where we had a six course meal including birds nest soup, delicate tuna steaks on a bed of rock salt, and impossibly tender wagyu beef, all with finely selected wine pairings. Then there was a raffle, and everybody won something.

Corruption: don't knock it until you've tried it.
(, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 17:45, 12 replies)
Fine Dining
Way back when, I was working in italy of all places. In Rome even, go me!

Anyway, it was December 31st, 1999, and Germanwife and I were going out to the NATO college end of year do. We arrived at 1900, her in a rather nice dress, me in a local suit, and both quite ravening for the multi-course meal promised for 2000 hours.

Little did we know what was to follow. It was not a three- or five- courser, and not a standadr meal, but one of the Italian it's-not-eating-it's-socializing affairs. I don't remember the exact courses, but it went something like this: (10 minutes per course, 10-15 minutes of dancing and speeches and stuff in between):

1) One single thin cut of veal on white bread. Interesting, not my thing. Two bites.
2) A Salad involving olives. Five bites of mostly air.
3) Another salad, this one involving bell peppers and rice. A bit shit. Three bites.
4) Spaghetti with a choice of sauces. Chose Aglio e Olio. Was nice. Four bites.
5) Zampone. Kind of like meat loaf, but stuffed in a hollowed-out pig's foot. V. nice, wife grossed out. Two portions, three bites each.
6) Roast Beef type thing in a red wine sauce. Magnificent. Four bites.

It continued in this way for 21 courses, until 0300.

The first thing we did after, even before going home? Bought a fuckoff-sized pizza with mushrooms, ham, and salami.

Cost of official dinner type thing: About 300 pounds, half for us, half for the German government. Effect of official dinner thing: Magnum bottle of Veuve Cliquot to take home (Dancing competition, we came in third), and a feeling of hunger that steadily climbed to locust levels.
Cost of pizza: About 15 pounds. Effect: A feeling of divine calm as we wallowed in grease dripping from the huge slices.
(, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 15:50, 6 replies)
Hang on a sec, TWO sections of QOTW devoted to people talking about their lunch?
b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/
(, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 15:30, Reply)

This question is now closed.

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