debbie
many moons ago, i shared a flat with my best friend, debbie. she was going out with a bloke whom we shall call tim, as i've forgotten his name.
being the sex-crazed bitch that she is, i would often be relegated to the couch of a night, so they could get up to mischief in peace in the bedroom.
one particular night, there was a lot of to-ing amd fro-ing between the bedroom and kitchen, not to mention excessive giggling.
just as i was finally starting to nod off, i heard a tremendous shriek from the bedroom. rushing out into the hall to investigate, i was greeted by the sight of debbie, naked and dripping pink goo, rushing to the bathroom. as she ran past, she screamed at tim: "you fucking stupid prick! you're not supposed to leave the angel delight in the freezer for 2 hours first!"

oh, how i laughed.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 8 Aug 2009, 1:03, 9 replies)

Mental autoposting
I once had a fling with a girl who liked mayonnaise.

In mind of the the tsunami of basically identical tales currently occurring, this has hopefully already posted the whole story directly into your mind without the need for words or illustrations. It's like you just came back from Rekall.

All I will say is this: you know when you leave mayonnaise out of the fridge and it kind of goes translucent? This effect is exacerbated by body heat. But it still tastes of mayonnaise. So I am told.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Sat 8 Aug 2009, 0:13, 1 reply)

A different ketchup bottle.....
Yet again a question comes up that I've got chuff all to contribute from my own sordid past (obviously not sordid enough) so here's a 'friend of a friend' tale... (Although names were mentioned at the time and this might very well be true...)

...FoF had the good fortune to be a reasonably talented athlete in a rather popular team sport; so much so that it became his day job. As is often the case with professional sportsmen he picked himself up a trophy wife. FoF was besotted. After sticking his wick in various slappers in his younger days he found someone to settle down with and look pretty in front of his team mates.

Unfortunately for FoF, Trophy Wife was what could be described as A Bit Of A Slut and proceeded to get banged, buggered and generally got her orifices filled (often at the same time) by various men, many of whom were FoFs team mates. By all accounts TW was an extremely popular young lady...

And so it came to pass that FoF returned from an away game that had kept him away from his beloved for a couple of nights. Getting home tired but still on a high from a good win, our hero proceeds to get down to some good lovin' with his lady...

..."But whats this?" thinks FoF
"Vaginas shouldn't contain hard, round, metallic things..."

...as he removed the lid from a ketchup bottle from wifey's mimsy...

Now this is easily explained. "I was lonely" would probably be all the explanation required in many cases. The fact that neither of them liked the red stuff so usually none would be in the house was a slight inconsistency, but was soon forgotten.

Until FoF opens the fridge while visiting his best friend a few days later...

...Yep, there was a lidless ketchup bottle inside - the daft cunt had kept it. Not only that, but when FoF silently held it up, (now former) best mate went white and ran out of the door.

Blood was spilt soon after. Followed by a divorce...

(Edit: I like linebreaks and I don't give a fuck)
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Fri 7 Aug 2009, 23:28, 1 reply)

Bananas
not very original
(hadasamatter, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 23:25, 1 reply)

BREASTMILK
As any dad should know. The most erotic thing is BREASTMILK. YUMYUM
(hadasamatter, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 23:20, 4 replies)

insertion
once enjoyed a Bounty strAight from the girlfriends paradise,funny thing was, we were on the double bed in the show flat of a block that i was working at as a labourer so had left the latch up on said showflat door.The later bounty episode occurred and i must have done a great job with my toungue of cleaning up her twat, 'cos next day tell tale sign was large wet patch on mattress and foreman moaning like fuck because he thought we'd leaked water from above where we were plastering.I never told a soul 'till now and that were 30 years back.AAAhhhh the taste of paradise BOUNTY
(hadasamatter, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 23:16, Reply)

i've said it before and i'll say it again
my ex writing his own name on his own arm with chocolate body paint and licking it off with his own tongue has to be the very definition of egotism, no?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 23:02, 6 replies)

warning car ehaust residue is carcenogenic
Fucking cars
now i have a growth
(hadasamatter, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 22:54, Reply)

My anecdote
My brother, who's now a surgeon with the NHS, swears blind that at a party in a posh part of Dublin, he strolled into a kitchen to find the female host, and fellow medical student (pissed as a newt), had rubbed pedigree chum on her ladybits and the dog was there licking it off.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 22:41, 4 replies)

Dream On
My first wife and I were very unadventurous in the bedroom – I was always a bit of an ingénue when it came to sex and she, frankly, couldn’t be bothered. However, on occasions, which invariably involved alcohol, we would sometimes try something different.

Alcohol use was mainly restricted to the weekends and one Friday night we were at home and partaking of a drink or several. Now, some of you may remember a very funny American comedy show called “Dream On” which was shown on Friday evenings by Channel 4 in the early nineties. “Dream On” was an early HBO programme and, as such, was rather adult at times.

On the evening in question, the lead character, Martin Tupper, was involved in some sexual shenanigans with a very fetching young lady. Amongst their activities, was the use of aerosol cream to make circles around the lady’s nipples. “We should try that some time” says a mildly inebriated Ping Pang – “Well we’ve got some of that squirty cream in the fridge” says the former Mrs Ping Pang, and off I went.

Having procured the cream we set about getting naked and the ex suggested that I apply it to her in the same way as Martin Tupper had to his paramour. I, however, had other ideas and decided to apply the dairy-based foodstuff to her lady garden. We both giggled for a bit and I then announced my intention to remove the cream using my mouth.

After a couple of mouthfuls, I began having serious regrets. A combination of a bit too much alcohol, squirty cream that had possibly been in the fridge a couple of days too long, and my ex’s propensity to have slightly pungent curtains led to me feeling rather strange. I lifted my head to tell her that maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea, and promptly threw up all over her.

After that we returned to strictly vanilla-style, off with the lights and up with the nightie sex, although I should point out that since meeting the current Mrs Ping Pang I have become a sexual thundergod and will try anything (but only once).
( Ping_Pang_Piddley_Dee couldn't give a big shiny fuck., Fri 7 Aug 2009, 21:41, 2 replies)

Crumbs!
Bread has crust - not really sexy or interesting or offensive, it's just necessary at the edges to form a barrier between the soft bready stuff and the outside world. Crust has particular texture - dry, crumbly, flaky, crusty. This is not a texture you want to associate with sex. Crusty is not sexy.

In my school apart from (sometimes) hot and cold running water and flushing (sometimes) toilets (apart from the one we bred maggots in), we also had the luxury of a toaster in the common room. We loved that toaster and I think for one year I lived on nothing but toast toast toast. yum.
I was doing a round of toast for everybody and the new girl in class asked for me to cut the crust off hers. Didn't think that was strange, but I wondered why she went a little green when she said 'crust'
This happened several times and so I asked her if she had some kind of phobia? She proceeded to tell me the story about a girl in her previous school. This girl was upset because her boyfriend had out of the blue refused to sleep with her and dumped her. It was her first time and they were getting naked in her bedroom when suddenly he got up and left.
Of course all her friends were supportive, saying 'what a bastard', 'you deserve better', 'theres nothing wrong with you, he's got the problem' etc etc when she said...


which once heard cannot be unheard...


"Coz all girls are crusty down there, aren't they? Maybe he was scared off because I'm really crusty"
( zozamaroo, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 20:26, 12 replies)

Kinda food...well....drink....in a bottle...
Some years ago, the current Mrs-Mog, was not Mrs-Mog and Mooglemania was at the end of a very unpleasant marriage...fooling around between myself and the Mrs-Mog-to-be was somewhat commonplace.. That's the scene set, begin story...

The young lady of my affection had popped over for a bit of the kinky stuff and by the end of things, was tied on all fours wanting to be pleasured with a large cold bottle of "Archers" she had espied on the shelf... well I wasn't going to say no, and so this took place....

Some hours later, the bane of my life had returned to an immaculate living room and no sign of my little sex-pot. She sat down, complained about a hard days work spending my money and took the self same bottle from the shelf.... The bottle which I had forgotten to clean... my horror turned to mind numbing amazement followed by hard-stifled hilarity as she unscrewed the cap and took a swig straight from the bottle (classy) and complained it tasted a bit odd".

Length? She says I'm more than adequate.
( mooglemania Please disregard this sig., Fri 7 Aug 2009, 19:39, Reply)

My tepid groin is a bundled mass of withering eardrums....
Backstage everything was buzzing along as normal when suddenly, and with a bang the stage doors flew open and Wanderlei charged into the room swinging the door shut behind him.
"Where Dana?" he screamed "WHERE DANA!"
Dana was sat in his office on an imported Japanese leather chair, casually spinning around on his heels. The glare from his Macbook filled the room along with the smell of stale booze and Dana's huge personality itself.

His door clattered open.
"Hey Wanderlei, how've you been? Have you seen the doctor?" Dana offered.
"I don't want to be cut!" screamed the hulking Brazilian, "Don't want to be cut again!" he heaved.
Dana, knew why he was worried, Wanderlei had lost his last three bouts, and though he always put on a good show for the crowd, Dana had begun to suspect that where once lay the granite of Wanderlei's chin, now sat an easy access button, ready to be pressed by his opponents and all too ready to be exploited.

As much as he acted the 'tough mouth' around the press Dana cared about the safety of his guys, perhaps more than anything else. "Look Wanderlei..." Dana began, "we all have an expiration date-" suddenly Wanderlei interrupted "DON'T CARE! I WANT ONE MORE FIGHT!" he was heaving now, and to be perfectly honest, Dana was terrified.
"OK, OK Wand" pleaded Dana, "we'll get you one more fight, who do you want? Chuck? Forrest? Rampage?" all of these were good answers for our stout customer, and each one presented different challenges...
"Want to fight car!" shouted Wanderlei in his Sao Paulo drawl...
"who the hell's Carr?" countered Dana.
"NO!" shouted Wanderlei "want to fight car in ring, want to fight Peugot 309 for championship!"

Dana leaned forwards and placed his hands on the floor at shoulder width apart and lurched his whole body into the sticky air, raising up onto his hands so his legs dangled in the air like the legs of a wobbly frog. He reached into his trousers with one of his gnarled feet and pulled his lad out into the cool night air for all to see.
Then, without so much as a word he darted towards the door making turkey noises, gobble gobble gobble, still running on his hands, at tremendous speed, legs akimbo, his boy bouncing in the breeze.

"That was three long years ago" whispered Wanderlei tenderly "..but there's not a moment that goes by that i don't think of that wonderful man."
Dana nodded in agreement.
Everyone looked confused...
(jindodsdadsdogsdead I am not stusut79, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 18:42, 1 reply)

The humble butternut squash.
I believe I may be the reason they are kept so far away from the tomatoes in my local asda.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 17:59, 2 replies)

Pineapple yogurt
does not make a good lubricant - too gritty, and not in a good way. Tastes pretty hanging too.
( 0nyx, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 17:45, 1 reply)

Champain
When i was 18 or so, me and my ex went on our first holiday to her old dears villa in Tenerife. Since it was our first holiday we splashed out on some cheap champers(we were students) in duty free and decided to indulge in some tingly bubbly oral action.

She got some champagne and my cock in her mouth at the same time and i immediatly recoiled in agony, it felt like she had poured acid down my japs eye.
(ShitShoe, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 17:31, Reply)

Almost food sex..
I met a gorgeous girl on a night out and my luck was in; at closing time she invited me back to her flat. Much kissing and groping occured in the taxi on the way home and we literally fell through the front door, such was our desire to make the beast with two backs. Pushing me onto the sofa, she told me to wait whilst she went and powdered her nose.

Now, I'd been dancing a fair bit and I was a bit clammy around the crimson-topped truncheon to say the least - my balls were starting to stick to the inside of my thighs. I darted into the kitchen and gave myself a quick rinse at the kitchen sink with a dishcloth. 'Better than sweat' I thought.

I made in back to the sofa before she returned and got comfortable, trying to look composed. Said lady returned and passionately kissed me before dropping to her knees, head between my legs. She unzipped my jeans and slipped them off like a pro, my erect member pointed skywards and throbbed with anticipation. I watched as her head moved closer and closer, her lips started to part and she licked her lips in anticipation, keeping eye contact with me.

This was almost too much for me, I was gagging for her to take me in her mouth. I closed my eyes as I felt her warm breathe on my shaft and braced myself.

"Ewwww. Why is there a baked bean in your pubes?", she exclaimed.

That kind of ruined it for me.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 16:39, 7 replies)

Not quite 'Food', and not quite 'Sex'...
but I've noticed quite a few stories seem to involve one's private parts and chilli, and I think I can go one better.

My girlfriend ran me a bath the other day. A nice, relaxing bath. You know those menthol crystals that you put in the sink while you're having a bath, to clear your throat? Well, she decided to put them in the bathwater instead. A whole tub.

It was worse than any chilli to dick interface I've ever had. My balls were stinging for about 3 hours, and then they went completely and utterly numb.

Lovely.
(Flap Burger hasn't really got a burger made of flaps, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 16:18, 1 reply)

Chocco Madness
I had a boyfriend (for a very short time) about 12 years ago that went to Stoke university (that should have been a warning sign!). He lived in a house with 4 other students, even though he was in his late 20’s (another warning sign!). Boys being boys or men being boys – you decide, porn was the choice of décor for the pad, beautifully cut out centre folds from Playboy, Fiesta and Mayfair adorned the walls in the hall, living room and even the kitchen (put me right of my kebab). From this I naively assumed that he had a fairly good carnal knowledge and the he might be pretty adventurous under the duvet, or in fact on top of the duvet or even up against the porn filled walls!
The first weekend I stayed with him I ventured all the way down from Scotland equipped with new lingerie, perfume and the obligatory 1997 sex accessory - a tube of chocolate body paint – complete with brush.
After a nice evening out at the cinema (we went to see the Full Monty) and a few ciders and blackcurrant, we headed home. Things were hotting up when we got back to his student pad – clothes coming off in the porn laden hall – we didn’t care if spotty Neil from Bedroom number 3 caught us.
As we were getting down to it (shagging that is) I decided to whip out the chocolate body paint, he looked very confused but I assured him that this was all the rage and that we should give it a go. Carefully he undid the top and knelt over me…. Then the stupid fucker squirted the entire contents all over my face!! END OF SEX,
End of relationship about a week later.
(JellyBelly JellyBelly, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 15:36, 2 replies)

So...
...is it generally known to all (except me, obviously) that ketchup and indeed ketchup bottles are riddled with STDs? I mean, why the condom?
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 15:08, 8 replies)

Not much foody secks
My sheets are too expensive.

Did have a 'how many midget gems can you fit in your belly button?' contest.

Her - 3

Me - 7

:(
( Rookie You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 14:22, 2 replies)

No
I can't say I've ever been prescient, apart from right now, obviously.
( rofl harris, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 14:08, Reply)

What this QOTW needs
is an amusing tale of someone falling onto a ketchup bottle, but forgeting about the condom.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 14:03, 3 replies)

Thinking about this question
I've just realised it gives a whole new meaning to 'first date'.

*thinks better of posting 'date rape' joke*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 13:51, 3 replies)

ketchup
Does getting a hand job off Anneka Rice count?
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 13:39, 3 replies)

Sucker
"Bloody hell – what's that in the corner?"

Returning home from a night off the leash on the last day of our Air Cadets annual camp – in which we were quite rightly flung out of a local pub after one of our number asked for "a cup of beer, please mister" – we trooped into a darkened barrack room to be met with a mysterious shape on one of the beds at the far end.

Someone switched on the lights with the pink-pink-pink-hum you only get with ancient fluoresent tubes. God, I wish they hadn't done that.

It was Marky. Marky was naked. Marky was naked, on his barrack room bed, sucking himself off in a manner that would make any yoga aficionado proud. That which has been seen cannot be unseen, and the sight of the skinny wretch playing a solo on the pink oboe will live for me for the rest of my life.

And if there's one rule in the cadet forces, it is this: Never, under any circumstances, allow yourself to be caught by your peers sucking yourself off in the barrack room. Publicly disgusted but secretly impressed, "You sick, sick fucker" and "Just wait until we tell EVERYBODY" and "I'm gonna puke" rang out as others ran in to see what the fuss was about.

And then, Gaz pointed at something. Something on Marky's cock, which by now resembled the nozzle on a rapidly deflating airbed. Normally, you'd be vilified for looking at your mate's hampton, but these were extraordinary circumstances.

"Jesus H – are you bleeding?"

"N...N...No," stammered Mikey, who was only just recovering the power of speech, "It's jam."

Strawberry jam.

"I stick me cock in the jam," he said with a new-found air of belligerence, "...an' then I suck it off."

"Wait..." I ask, dreadful thoughts filling my head, "how often have you done this?"

Not the words I wanted to hear: "Every night since we got here. There's fuckloads in the kitchen."

"I had jam on my toast this morning. You didn't...?"

The question that did not need to be asked. But he nodded anyway.

We covered him in jam and left him naked and screaming on the other side of the airfield. That learned him.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 13:33, 3 replies)

I wonder how much fun you could have with a roasted pea?
Frankly, the way my love life is going at the moment, I would stand a high chance of being rejected by a cucumber. So allow me, if you will, to repost this slippery little gem.

I was watching a dvd round at a friend’s house a while back. Her housemate was upstairs enjoying some very vocal love action with her boyfriend. Suddenly, it went quiet. Then there was a rather loud “Ooooooow”. A door slammed and we heard footsteps running down the stairs. She burst into the living room wearing nothing but a towel, ran straight past us into the kitchen. She then ran back out clutching a half full pack of butter, pausing only to say…

“Anal. Ran out of lube…”

…before running back upstairs to carry on.

I have never eaten toast round at my friend’s house since.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 13:32, 8 replies)

Cucumbers in painful places
Less my food sex experience but that of a (thankfully) former flatmate of mine. She was a bit of a nutter for a lot of reasons, but this is the only one that fits this question...

(Insert wavy lines)

I got back from work and popped into her room to say hi and was a bit suprised to see a cucumber I had bought a couple of days ago lying on the bedroom floor. When I queried its presence on her floor she explained, in a very matter of fact kind of way, how it got there.

Essentially her boyfriend had visited earlier and, being a bit bored, somehow things had progressed in a direction that ended up with my cucumber being inserted into her ass. She even helpfully pointed out the milky love-stains her boyfriend had thoughtfully sprayed up the bedroom walls following said insertion.

Seeing the slight look of disturbance (combined with slight arousal - she was pretty hot) on my face, she immediately said "oh it's fine, you can still use it - I'll just wash the shit off".

Charming girl...

If the right question comes up I might even share the story of how she tried to lure me into a threesome with crack-addict Buddist monk.

Length? Long enough to pop my cherry.
(Robin of the Hood isn't into the whole brevity thing, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 12:55, 8 replies)

The most painful thing that ever happened to me
I'd just finished eating a fish supper with my ladyfriend whilst sitting on my bed, and bloated from all the food, we were settling down for a night of back2back Nip/Tuck episodes and perhaps some naughtiness later on once the food had gone down. Before this could get underway however, I decided it would be prudent to clear away all of the dishes etc. Save having to do it in the morning.

She had other ideas however. Turns out she wasn't as full as I was, and before I had time to react, my throbbing member was deep inside or her mouth, the same mouth which just five minutes previously had been masticating a piece of battered cod.

Turns out the salt from the accompanying chips was still in her mouth too though. The stinging sensation I felt at the top of my helmet was like nothing I've felt before or since. Sheer, raw, uncompromising pain. So great in fact was the agony, that it caused me to jerk backwards and fall arse-end first off the side of the bed... straight on top of the bottle of Heinz ketchup that we'd been using to garnish our feast of fish and chips not ten minutes prior.

Explaining that one at A&E was a bit tricky, especially when they found an unmistakable latex sheeth over the top of the bottle, which I can only presume my girlfriend had put there due to having misplaced the original lid and not wanting the contents to go off. Bless her.

Not sure they believed me in the end.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 12:39, 6 replies)

Odd
No one done the old sweetcorn under the foreskin tale yet?
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Fri 7 Aug 2009, 12:36, 5 replies)